Several Really Short Stupid Poems

Title: Sure, But I’m Not Dancing With Your Uncle That Was Just Released From Prison

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Title: Stoners Can Be Dicks

Hickory Dickory Dock

The Mouse Smoked All The Pot

The Cheetos Are Gone

Isn’t That Such A Crock?

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Title: Pigs Are Smarter According To Whom

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Title: Your Gym Membership’s First Month Is Free When You Sign Up Today

Some Guys Have A Six Pack

Some Have Four

I Have A Twenty Four Pack

Resting In

The Refrigerator Door

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Title: A Democracy Is Better Than An Omniscient God

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Title: Why Is Affordable Health Care So Un-affordable?

I Scratch And I Scribble

This Poem That Is Nothing But Dribble

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Title: Ode To Short Celebrities

Your Elevated Shoes

Do Nothing For Your Douchey Views

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Title: Women Logic

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Reboot Of Long Awkward Pause

I’m really excited to announce the next incarnation of Long Awkward Pause.

Yes, you guessed it…we are turning into a erotic sex site! It will have all the usual stuff: erotic writing, sexy pictures, dancing teddy bears, sex toy reviews, tips on canning fruit…

We will be focusing on bringing you our style in  more of a online magazine format with each columnist handling different topics.

Yes, no longer will you be forced to watch Mike Calahan write about twinkies!

You are all welcome.

Here is a preview of what November will bring:

Blogdramedy – That’s Entertainment Or Not!
BD’s take on the liberal arts, past and present.

 

Rants – What Sandpapers My Balls

Rants doing what he does best…telling you like it is!

Mike Calahan – From the Only Moderately Cluttered Desk of Mike Calahan

Editorals/Opinions in the Calahan style that most of you are a fans of already.

Myself – On A Side Note…My Interview With

I’m kind of stepping out of my wheelhouse…mostly because I don’t have a wheelhouse…and will be interviewing people from all over the interwebs.

Justin Gawel – Title To Be Announced
Editorals/Opinions. Justin’s take on stuff! In Justin’s world! In Justin’s way!

Monk Monkey – Wake up to yourselves, you CHIMPS!
Giving you the best advice on taking care of your mind/body/health in a way that only a spiritual guru monkey can…

Cordelia – Title To Be Announced

An expert in food and beverage. This will not be your standard recipe how to page, but will cover a gambit of food related topics. Some even unexpected…

Omawarisan – Title To Be Announced

Editorals/Opinions. Everyone’s favorite retired humorist takes on life.

Chowderhead – This Day in Pop Culture History

Chowder’s unique take on the world of pop culture and entertainment. No one will be spared.

I’m really excited about this new direction and hope you check out everyone’s articles every Monday and Friday starting November 1st. There will still be a spot for suggestions and we will also be looking for guest writers.

A big thank you for those who have supported us from the beginning and we will see you at The Pause. (That’s what the cool kids call it.)

A Tale Of Love Lost In Forty-Seven Acts Condensed Into One

The bug hit the car’s windshield with as mighty of a thud as a bug hitting a windshield could make. It’s guts spreading flat against the smooth glass creating a kaleidoscope of brownish-grey-green hues across it’s surface. In an instant, the driver of the car, a Mr. Alan Furlow, hit the windshield wiper fluid and the blue liquid squirted the messy guts away. Well, not really away, the guts now congealed on the windshield wipers as they waved back and forth, back and forth, way much too long over the arch of the windshield.

What was really unusual and quite coincidental about this bug was that his name was also Mr. Alan Furlow. The driver, Mr Alan Furlow, had no way of knowing that he just accidentally killed and washed away his bug doppelganger, Mr. Alan Furlow, thus giving him a pass on Bad Karma’s ugly head intervening in on his day, but it also didn’t change the fact that this death still occurred.

Mr. Alan Furlow, the driver not the bug, suddenly felt the need to step on the gas petal harder. The car protested for half a second and then sputtered five pistons faster. Alan felt the hairs on his neck rise, but he didn’t know what that meant. He scratched the back of his hand absently.

Half way around the world, Mr. Alan Furlow’s true love, a Miss Margery Pinklestein, also absently scratched the back of her hand. Mr. Alan Furlow and Miss Margery Pinklestein had never met, no would they ever meet, for they were doomed from their birth to wander the Earth without each other. In a weird twist of fate, the bug versions of Mr. Alan Furlow and Margery Pinklestein had met and were in fact, married. Margery of course, was now a widow, although at this moment she didn’t realize it. Currently she was sitting in their 4 bedroom dung hole assuming that Mr. Alan Furlow, the bug, not the driver of the car, had been distracted…again…on his way to the big sunflower with which she had tasked him to collect some pollen for dinner. Margery, the bug, not the hand scratching human half way around the world, was planning on making her famous Sunflower loaf in celebration of his recent promotion from poop roller to poop scout.

Meanwhile Margery Pinklestein, the person, not the widowed bug, had nothing of interest going on this day and will not be talked about again in this diatribe.

Mr. Alan Furlow, the driver, not the dead bug who will not be dining on Sunflower loaf this evening, nor will he be bragging to his friends at the stagnant water hole about his recent pay raise, decided to go through the drive thru of his favorite burger place; Colonel King Burger. The sales promotion of the month was the Double Loaf Burger. Mr. Alan Furlow purchased one of these and drove away. As he unwrapped his Double Loaf Burger from the greasy wax paper, his heart felt heavy. A single tear leaked from his tear hole and slalomed it’s way down his chubby cheek. He wiped it away with the back of his hand and thought nothing of it. He sighed and also thought nothing of that as well.

Mr. Alan Furlow, the living not the dead, finished his loaf, and while licking his greasy  fingers tossed the wax paper into the backseat of his car. It landed on top of a pile of many other Colonel King Burger wrappers. It disturbed a family of bugs whom Mommy Bug had just given birth to a litter of 50 brand new spanking baby bugs.

And she was debating naming one of them Alan.

(Their last name was Hippensnatch so it didn’t mean much, but you know…whatever.)

~Fin~

Time Travelling Zombies Vs The Dinosaurs

If you are unfamiliar with SyFy Channels brand of movies, check out this post: My Simplistic Review of Sharknado.

If you don’t feel like clicking the link, and I know that you don’t…basically in a nutshell, SciFy Channels movies are weird, low budget, campy, and silly.

In other words: perfect.

Here is a short list of some of their offerings:

Alien Apocalypse

Rage of the Yeti

Dinoshark

Jersey Shore Shark Attack

Sharktopus

SO with that in mind, here are two movie concepts I would like to pitch to the SyFy channel.

Movie Concept Numero Uno:

Act I

The year is 3013 and Zombies have taken over the planet Earth. Only a few hundred uninfected humans are left including the evil Dr. Richard Dicks. The evil Dr. Richard Dicks has been building a time machine, unsuccessfully mind you, for the last twenty years. His plan is to go back in time before the Zombie Apocalypse and become rich off the stock market as inspired by the movie Back To The Future 2. Franklin Shallow and the Shallow Freedom Fighters learn of the evil Dr. Dicks plan and formulate a plan of their own to stop him. Franklin Shallow and the Shallow Freedom Fighters execute their plan in the middle of the night and everything goes wrong! As Franklin and the evil Dr. Dicks fight in hand to hand combat they accidentally start the untested Time Machine. Suddenly hordes of Zombies that have been kept at bay by the evil Dr. Dicks security systems break through and start eating all the Freedom Fighters and the evil Dr. Dicks evil Henchmen. As the zombies descend on Franklin Shallow and the evil Dr. Dicks, the Time Machine emits an eerie bright light and sucks all the Zombies into it, along with Franklin and the evil Dr. Dicks.

Act II

The Zombies, Franklin, and the evil Dr. Dicks find themselves back in time in the land of dinosaurs. The Zombies start attacking the dinosaurs. The big dinosaurs like the Brontosaurs and the T-Rex easily step and crush the Zombies, but the smaller Dinosaurs, like the  Compsognathus and the Velociraptor fall victim to the zombie’s bite and become Zombie Dinosaurs. Franklin and the evil Dr. Dicks realize they need to work together, along with the bigger dinosaurs to stop the Zombies and the Zombie Dinosaurs before the time line is drastically changed and man would cease to exist.

Movie Concept Numero B:

Crazy Grandma

The Stickman’s are an ordinary family. The family consists of Mom Stickman, Dad Stickman, Brother Stickman, Baby Stickman, and Grandma Stickman. Grandma Stickman often feels left out and ridiculed by the family.  The Stickman’s don’t mean to make Grandma feel this way, it just sort of happens. One Saturday night the Stickman’s decide to go out to their favorite fancy restaurant, The Olive Garden.  During the family’s fifth serving of the Never Ending Pasta Bowl Promotion, Grandma Stickman starts chocking on a meatball. The Stickman’s not realizing the severity of Grandma’s chocking start laughing and pointing at her. Not until Grandma starts turning blue does the Olive Garden waiter rush to her aid and applies the Heimlich Maneuver. Grandma passes out for a brief moment and goes to Hell. During her visit to Hell the Devil gives her special powers and super strength. When Grandma comes too, she goes on a rampage and kills everyone in the Olive Garden. She kills the Stickman’s by hanging them from the ceiling with Spaghetti. Then Grandma starts her killing spree through the small town with various funny one liners and new and crazy inventive killings.

Grandma Stickman is finally stopped by the Local Sheriff and the Local Demonologist in a show down that involves Ben Gay Ointment, Bingo Cards, and a car whose left blinker light has been on for the last seven miles.

Breaking Bad As Written By Edgar Allen Poe

Once upon a Sunday night, while I pondered channel surfing,
Over football, reruns, and 60 Minutes, Oh bore
In my seat, I nodded, nearly pondered a Tosh repeat
What was the answer, but a teacher dying of cancer
‘Tis can’t be entertaining,’ I muttered, ‘I will watch this one episode and nothing more.’

Ah, distinctly I was engrossed, this coward teacher host,
And his brother-in-law the DEA jerk
Whom he rode along on the meth bust, an undiscovered perk
Which sparked the idea for an empire desire
The angels name Jessie to help
Heisenberg here for evermore

At first the RV housed the cook
Tighty-whitey in the dessert, was the hook
It’s the purest of the pure, moving one rock at a time
Was not enough to pay the tough bill that the doctor’s inflict
On Heisenberg and nothing more

A finger lickin’ chicken came a knockin’
Knockin’ knockin on He Who Knocks Door
The money was flowing, as the meth was growing
Blue was the signature hue, that built the family vault
But only Flynn knew not the truth, his cereal spoon of youth
And Gus was in charge evermore

Until one fateful day, Gus was blown away
And Walt and Jessie fought, retiring to the car wash that he bought
Soon Mike was led astray, his men would get no pay
Cold, cold Todd would appear, and shoot a kid, oh dear
Causing Heisenberg to retire and nothing more

Complications would arise, much to everyone’s surprise
As Hank would die that day, and Walt would run away
Saul could not help, for his own spinoff show had been dealt
Jessie is captured and put in the ground to stay
While Todd looks like Matt Damon, evermore

Heinsberg doth Skyinsberg berate, what will be now be his fate
The show will come to a close, with Jessie and his broken nose
A Machine Gun and Ricin are the clue, graffiti on the wall in blue
All five seasons I did adore, although it probably could have ended in four

As I fear Heinsberg will be nevermore

Damn you Raven!

Philosophy Fueled By Sangria

How To Be A Sangria Philosopher:

Step One: Drink a lot of Sangria.

Step Two: Drink even more

Step Three: Grab a pen and paper before you pass out.

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The world is divided into two groups: the Haters and the Hated. Now if the Hated also turn into Haters, then  the world would essentially be full of Hated? Or would it be full of Haters? Or would there no longer be two groups, the Hated and Haters, and just one collective hashtag-hater-hates.

It’s hard to say.

It’s hard to think.

If all we do is hate, then we as a society will hate to be hated, thus fueling more hate upon the hated-haters.

Hashtag: Rock-n-Roll! Hashtag: Rick Rolled!

HAHAHAHAHa……..what?

Essentially what the world needs now, is love sweet love…papa was a rolling stone…

What the world needs to do is just love, man. Love.

I love you.

Does anybody even understand the lyrics to Champagne Super Nova anyway?!

What?

Oh yeah…the world needs to stop hating. It doesn’t matter if your black or white or ebony or ivory…Sister Christian, oh the time has come, don’t cha know that you’re the only one to say, ok.

Ok.

Because you’re motorin’.

Yeah…you’re motorin’!

That’s so deep, man! Think about it!

So, to sum it up….stop hating, even though Ebony and Ivory is sung by two legends doesn’t make it a great song, and Oasis and puppies are over-rated.

Peace. Must. Sleep. Now.

The Trouble With Having A Land Line

The trouble with having a land line house phone is that no one calls you on it except solicitors, telemarketers, and debit collectors. It came with the cable bundle or else we would not have it. Like most modern families, everyone has there own cell phone.

Here are some examples of the conversations that take place on the house phone:

Ring, Ring

Me: Hello?

Them: Hello? Are you the head of the house?

Me: Occasionally.

Them: Huh? Never mind. Anyway our company will be in your area and will be offering a special discount for a limited time. We are the Hobo Moving Company and we can move anything that you could fit into a handkerchief on a stick…

Click

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Ring, Ring

Me: Hola!

Them: Mr. De Voss? Hello! Your last name doesn’t sound Spanish!

Me: It’s not. Who is this?

Them: This is Fred from the National Eczema Rebounders Democratic Society, or N.E.R.D.S if it’s easier for you. We have you as a registered Democrat, is that correct?

Me: Yes, sort of. I’m really an Independent, but Florida makes you choose one of the big two. What is this about?

Them: Well, sir we are an organization looking to raise money in order to put James Ripkin on the Presidential ticket for 2016. If all goes well, he would be the first President to have eczema in the White House, something that has been sorely lacking in the governmental system…

Click

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Ring, Ring

Me: Speaking

Them: Please stay on the line for a limited time special offer. Introducing the Smart Burrito! You can take pictures, make calls, check your email, update your calendar, then just add guacamole and sour cream and you can eat it too.

Click

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Ring, Ring

Me: De Voss residence.

Them: This is John from The Balsa Wood Furniture Company. Your order is ready to be picked up.

Me: Excuse me?

Them: Your Balsa Wood Couch and Loveseat is ready to be picked up, sir.

Me: I didn’t order any Balsa Wood furniture, nor would I ever.

Them: You don’t have to be rude. Just so you know our furniture is hand crafted with the finest Slot A to Slot B technology!  It’s light as a feather too. You can rearrange your living room with only one hand if you want, plus if it ever breaks, each piece of furniture comes with a free bottle of Elmer’s Glue…

Click

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Ring, Ring

Me: Hello, Hello

Them: You have been selected to win a free $5oo Dollar Tree Gift Card. Please press 1 if you speak French, press 2 if you speak Spanish, press 3 if you speak German, press 4 if you speak Russian, press 5 if you speak Mandarin, press 6 if you speak Pig Latin, press 7 if you speak  Creole, press 8 seven times if you speak the African Clicking Language, press 9  if you speak Binary, press the Pound Sign if you….

Click

—–

Ring, Ring

Me: Hello

Them: *Heavy Breathing*

Me: What is this, 1975? Why don’t you post pictures of your junk on the internet like all the other sickos?!

Them: *Heavy breathing suddenly stops* Um, I don’t know how to upload the pictures from my phone, you insensitive prick!

Click

Nathan Vs Marvin And The Dump Truck

Nathan had eaten so many salt and vinegar potato chips that the roof of his mouth hurt. His fingers were dusted in salt and chip particles. He  grabbed Lucy’s hand, which was covered in Cheeto dust. Today was the day they were going to make a stand.

They stood at the edge of the sandbox. Hand in snack covered hand.

Marvin, the sandbox bully, had the dump truck of course, because Marvin always had the dump truck. It was the one sandbox toy that still had all it’s wheels.

Today Nathan wanted to play with the dump truck. Today was Nathan’s day to play with the truck. It was his birthday after all, and when it was someone’s birthday they should be able to play with the dump truck.

Lucy was going to help him get the dump truck. Although Lucy looked ridiculous. Her face, hands, and shirt was covered in orange Cheeto powder, which made her look like a pumpkin that had psoriasis. The two of them might be able to calmly and collectively convince Marvin that just this once, Nathan should be allowed a turn with the dump truck…it was his birthday after all.

Nathan and Lucy slowly approached Marvin whose back was turned to them and one of his chubby little hands was pushing the dump truck back and forth. Nathan felt the sand squishing between his toes and nervous sweat coating the back of his shirt.

Nathan cleared his throat. “Marvin,” he croaked rather meekly.

“What?!” Marvin grumbled as he continued to push the dump truck back and forth, back and forth.

Nathan cleared his throat again, only a little louder this time. “Today is my birthday, and…”

Marvin interrupted, “What do you want? A cookie?” Marvin laughed as if that was the most original and funniest joke he had ever heard.

Lucy chimed in, “That would be nice! Oh, and it’s Nelson’s turn to play with the dump truck.”

“Who is that?” Marvin sneered. “Your girl friend?!”

Nathan sputtered, “Yes…well no…well sort of…she’s my friend whose a girl…”

“Really? Well, is your girlfriend going to help you fight me for this dump truck?”

“If I have too!” Lucy said boldly. “It’s Nathan’s birthday. For once he should get to play with the dump truck!”

“Really?!” Marvin said in feigned deep thought. “Let me think about that for an hour or two and I’ll let you know if it’s okay…since it’s your birthday and all.”

“Oh, that’s nice of you,” Nathan said and smiled.

“No it’s not, Nathan,” Lucy cried. “He is tricking you!”

Marvin laughed and laughed. He laughed so hard that his sides began to hurt. He grabbed his sides and held them as he continued to laugh. In one quick scoop Lucy grabbed the Dump Truck and handed it to Nathan.

“Hey,” Marvin tried to squeeze out while laughing. “Give it back!”

“No!” said Lucy rather sternly with her hands on her Cheeto stained hips. “It’s Nathan’s birthday, and he is going to play with the dump truck or I’m going to call my lawyer!”

Marvin stopped laughing. He looked at his watch. “Fine!” he mumbled. “I have a 3 o’clock meeting with my stock broker anyway!” Marvin grabbed his $400 alligator shoes, brushed the sand of his $900 suit,  and headed towards his BMW.

“Tomorrow the dump truck is mine again!” he called straightening his tie before driving off.

“Happy birthday Nathan,” Lucy said.

“Thank you Lucy,” Nathan responded as they both sat down in the sand to play with the dump truck.

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Meet Christopher De Voss: Writer for Zombie Survival Crew

Once again it’s Thursday which means it’s a day of reblogging….but is it okay to reblog someone when they are talking about me? Of course it is!

cestlavie22

One thing I absolutely love about blogging is being exposed to new people. In the blogosphere you can meet all types of people who get a chance to do interesting things.

One thing my blogging buds might not know about me is I love Zombies. I am obsessed with the Walking Dead, I have seen most Zombie movies on the shelf and I am pretty sure I am a chick you would want with you if a Zombie Appocalypse hit.

In my blogging travels I ran across one of the writers for the “Zombie Survival Crew” and I just couldn’t pass up the chance to interview him and share with you what he had to say:

Interview with Christopher De Voss:

 

For those who don’t know, what is the general premise of “Zombie Survival Crew?”

 

The ZSC is a web site/club started by Juliette Terzieff. They specialize in…

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