The All-Time Best Fictional Baseball Team Ever Produced by Hollywood Movies

The 2014 Major League Baseball season has begun and to kick it off here’s a look at the best baseball players and coaches at each position from the minds of the screenwriters, directors, and actors in Hollywood.

Roy Hobbs – Right Field, The Natural (1984)

This 35 year old rookie and former pitching phenom is the stand-out of stand-outs on our list. He alone has more talent than the rest of the list combined and his movie is considered a classic. Sure in the movie the 35-year-old Hobbs is played by 48-year-old Robert Redford (which make the scenes where a 19-year-old Hobbs has his baseball career delayed by psycho Barbara Hershey utterly ridiculous), but the actor’s well worn features just show us that over the 16 years in between getting shot on a train and joining the hapless New York Knights, Hobbs has seen some serious stuff. Hobbs and his…

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My Interview With A Gross Stunt Taste Testor

Come visit me at Long Awkward Pause as I try maggot cheese…enough said.

Ed Ames unlocks the studio door for me, as I enter the dimly lit corridor.

“Shhhh!” he says.  “Remember, we are not suppose to be here.”

“I know,” I mouth back.

I am at a secret location which is an old  movie and TV set. We continue down the hall until we reach the aging wooden stage. On the stage sits a lone card table with several glass bowls. We head up the three rickety stairs and towards the table. A single light shines down and highlights the bowls.

Ed points to them one by one and tells me whats in them, “Dish one: Balut, which is underdeveloped duck fetus in an egg….Dish two: Beetle larva…and dish three: casu marzu, or maggot cheese.”

“And these are all safe to eat?” I ask a little hesitantly.

Ed smiles, “Yes, of course. That’s my job, to research the most bizarre and grossest…

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Reboot Of Long Awkward Pause

I’m really excited to announce the next incarnation of Long Awkward Pause.

Yes, you guessed it…we are turning into a erotic sex site! It will have all the usual stuff: erotic writing, sexy pictures, dancing teddy bears, sex toy reviews, tips on canning fruit…

We will be focusing on bringing you our style in  more of a online magazine format with each columnist handling different topics.

Yes, no longer will you be forced to watch Mike Calahan write about twinkies!

You are all welcome.

Here is a preview of what November will bring:

Blogdramedy – That’s Entertainment Or Not!
BD’s take on the liberal arts, past and present.

 

Rants – What Sandpapers My Balls

Rants doing what he does best…telling you like it is!

Mike Calahan – From the Only Moderately Cluttered Desk of Mike Calahan

Editorals/Opinions in the Calahan style that most of you are a fans of already.

Myself – On A Side Note…My Interview With

I’m kind of stepping out of my wheelhouse…mostly because I don’t have a wheelhouse…and will be interviewing people from all over the interwebs.

Justin Gawel – Title To Be Announced
Editorals/Opinions. Justin’s take on stuff! In Justin’s world! In Justin’s way!

Monk Monkey – Wake up to yourselves, you CHIMPS!
Giving you the best advice on taking care of your mind/body/health in a way that only a spiritual guru monkey can…

Cordelia – Title To Be Announced

An expert in food and beverage. This will not be your standard recipe how to page, but will cover a gambit of food related topics. Some even unexpected…

Omawarisan – Title To Be Announced

Editorals/Opinions. Everyone’s favorite retired humorist takes on life.

Chowderhead – This Day in Pop Culture History

Chowder’s unique take on the world of pop culture and entertainment. No one will be spared.

I’m really excited about this new direction and hope you check out everyone’s articles every Monday and Friday starting November 1st. There will still be a spot for suggestions and we will also be looking for guest writers.

A big thank you for those who have supported us from the beginning and we will see you at The Pause. (That’s what the cool kids call it.)

Throwing Long Awkward Pause Through Gizoogle

*Warning: Severe language used in the pursuit of comedy. Proceed at your own risk.*

Gizoogle is a web site that takes other web sites and turns them into something you might hear come out of Snoop Dog/Lion’s mouth. So I thought it would be funny to take the staff of Long Awkward Pause’s personal sites and throw them threw Gizoogle and see what spits out.

BrainRants

Original Post: Thanks For Nothing Congress

Nobody should be surprised that I’m so disgusted right now I could vomit.  A government shut down forced by two squabbling, childish, spoiled sides of what is supposed to be an elected body of our representatives.  In other words, they’re supposed to be looking out for our interests, not theirs.  Can they do this?  Apparently not.

Who am I blaming?

Gizoogle Version:

No Muthafucka should be surprised dat I’m so disgusted right now I could vomit.  A posse shut down forced by two squabbling, childish, spoiled sidez of what tha fuck is supposed ta be a erected body of our representatives.  In other lyrics, they’re supposed ta be lookin up fo’our interests, not theirs.  Can they do this?  Apparently not.

Dum diddy-dum, here I come biaaatch! Who tha fuck is I blaming?

Blogdramedy

Original Post: SHERLOCK REVEALED: A TICKLISH CONVERSATION WITH DOCTOR WATSON

I’ve been told I’m a good listener. Okay, maybe it was just that one time but you can’t unring a bell.

I’m taking that talent and mixing in a little helping of sly digs and satire to bring you a new recurring feature. It’s called “SIDE B – secretly taped interviews with celebrities of the moment.” Side A are the pre-approved, publicist-friendly interviews, which are totally boring and available on iTunes for 99 cents.

Here the microphone is hidden and the drinks are free.

Gizoogle Version:

I’ve been holla’d at I’m a phat listener n’ shit. Okay, maybe dat shiznit was just dat one time but you can’t unrin a funky-ass bell.

I’m takin dat talent n’ mixin up in a lil helpin of sly digs n’ satire ta brang you a freshly smoked up recurrin feature. It’s called “SIDE B – secretly taped rap battlez wit clownz of tha moment.” Side A is tha pre-approved, publicist-friendly rap battles, which is straight-up borin n’ available on iShit fo’ 99 cents.

Here tha microphone is hidden n’ tha dranks is free.

Mike Calahan’s B.L.O.G.

Original Version: To All Who Come To This Happy Place… Aaaarrrggh!

To All Who Come To This Happy Place… Aaaarrrggh!

Perhaps I’d been serenaded “The Ballad of Davy Crockett” once too often while still in the womb or maybe it was the steady diet of Donald Duck brand orange juice made with fruit concentrate that did it to me. Whatever the root cause, I was raised with an inherent love of all things Disney. To my sister and me, Disney cartoons and films were seen as the embodiment of all things good, they conveyed a world where things were safe, where good things happened to good people and where solutions to most of our problems were just a Sherman brothers song away. I believed that the Disney magic was real. Real, that is, until… that one day.

What happened that day, you ask?

Gizoogle Version:

To All Dum diddy-dum, here I come biaaatch! Who tha fuck Come To This Kool as fuck Place… Aaaarrrggh!

Perhaps I’d been serenaded “Da Ballad of Davy Crockett” once too often while still up in tha womb or maybe dat shiznit was tha steady diet of Dizzle Duck brand orange juice made wit fruit concentrate dat done did it ta mah dirty ass. Whatever tha root cause, I was raised wit a inherent ludd of all thangs Deez’nuts, n’ you can put dat on yo’ toast. To mah sista n’ me, Deez’nuts cartoons n’ films was peeped as tha embodiment of all thangs good, they conveyed a ghetto where thangs was safe, where phat thangs happened ta phat playas n’ where solutions ta most of our problems was just a Sherman brothers cold lil’ woo wop away. I believed dat tha Deez’nuts magic was real. It aint nuthin but tha nick nack patty wack, I still gots tha bigger sack. Real, dat is, until… dat one day.

What happened dat day, you ask?

Justin Gawel’s Ramblings From An Apathetic Adult Baby

Original Version: Other People’s Bodies: The Terrifying Frontier

*My deepest apologies to everyone.  I’ve been scrambling the last two weeks and haven’t posted.  Going forward, it looks like I’ll be contributing to ThoughtCatalog too, but I’ll be trying to post everything both here andthere.  Regardless, here or there, pants or no pants, I love you all.

One non-descript day you’re out on the street, sucking down a hot, tasty wiener with furious unchecked gusto. As your jaw unhinges like an anaconda to accommodate your fervent, uncurbed enthusiasm, you’re in paradise, never more certain of your identity and purpose.  But, like being hit by a runaway train, later that day you’re blindsided by a documentary on the processed meat industry and, just like that, you swear off hot dogs forever and an existential crisis ensues.

Gizoogle Version:

*My fuckin deepest apologies ta everyone.  I’ve been scramblin tha last two weeks n’ haven’t posted.  Goin forward, it be lookin like I’ll be contributin ta ThoughtCatalog too yo, but I’ll be tryin ta post every last muthafuckin thang both here n’ there.  Regardless, here or there, baggy-ass pants or no pants, I gots a straight-up boner fo’ y’all.

One non-descript dizzle you’re up on tha street, suckin down a hot, dirty wiener wit furious unchecked gusto fo’ realz. As yo’ jaw unhinges like a anaconda ta accommodate yo’ fervent, uncurbed enthusiasm, you’re up in paradise, never mo’ certain of yo’ identitizzle n’ purpose.  But, like bein hit by a runaway train, later dat dizzle you’re blindsided by a thugged-out documentary on tha processed meat industry and, just like that, you swear off bangin’ dawgs forever n’ a existential crisis ensues.

Monk Monkey

Original Version: Your fortune: Told!

Hereby forthwith thou shall see yon fortunes toldeth by thine stars unto me…

TAURUS
Act like a bull today. A big bull. A hot bull. A bull so steamy hot, melted butter would melt right off your back and drip to the floor. Perhaps a lovely maiden will come and lick the butter off the floor?

AQUARIUS
Get out of the aquarium and jump into your life! Today is the day to do great and wondrous things! Eat ten pringles in one go, roll a tomato down an incline, incline your head at a tomato…the opportunities are endless and the world is your oyster!

 Gizoogle Version:

Hereby forthwith thou shall peep yon fortunes holla’d ateth by thine stars unto me…

TAURUS
Act like a funky-ass bull todizzle. It make me wanna hollar playa! A big-ass bull fo’ realz. A bangin’ bull fo’ realz. A bull so steamy hot, melted butter would melt right off yo’ back n’ drip ta tha floor. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Perhaps a ghettofab maiden will come n’ lick tha butter off tha floor?

AQUARIUS
Git outta tha aquarium n’ jump tha fuck into yo’ game biaaatch! Todizzle is tha dizzle ta do pimped out n’ wondrous thangs muthafucka! Eat ten pringlez up in one go, roll a tomato down a incline, incline yo’ head at a tomato…the opportunitizzles is endless n’ tha ghetto is yo’ oysta son!

Cordella

Original Version: …The Time I was Chased by a Moose.

As a part of my recovery, it is very important for me to share, what life was like before, what it’s like now, and what I am hoping for in the future.  I am going to start with a little bit about what it was like. I’ve decided to keep it light, as my past few posts have been pretty heavy, keeping in mind that though the story might be funny, it’s a small piece of what brought me to my newfound sobriety. Here we go…

Once upon a time I had an idea…I know, not good. I decided, that after 2 1/2 years in AA and NA that I was cured of my alcoholism. Imagine that. I was cured y’all! I had graduated! I didn’t need no stinking recovery!!

Gizoogle Version:

As a part of mah recovery, it is straight-up blingin fo’ me ta share, what tha fuck game was like before, what tha fuck it’s like now, n’ what tha fuck I be hopin fo’ up in tha future.  I be goin ta start wit a lil bit bout what tha fuck dat shiznit was like. I’ve decided ta keep it light, as mah past few posts done been pretty heavy, keepin up in mind dat though tha rap might be funky, it’s a lil’ small-ass piece of what tha fuck brought me ta mah newfound sobriety yo. Here we go…

Back up in tha dizzle I had a idea…I know, not good. Y’all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! I be fly as a gangbangin’ falcon, soarin all up in tha sky dawwwwg! I decided, dat afta 2 1/2 muthafuckin years up in AA n’ NA dat I was cured of mah hittin tha brew like a muthafucka. Imagine dis shit. I was cured y’all! I had graduated hommie! I didn’t need no stinkin recovery!!

Omawarisan’s Blurt

Original Version: Wonder Woman’s Invisible Airplane – Ingeniously Ridiculous or Ridiculously Ingenious?

Stealth aircraft have been an important part of our military for years. Their invisibility to radar helps keep air crews safe;  that is very cool.

You’d have to say something if you saw this. (image via brick of the day.com)

–

I’m not sure how good being invisible to radar is for those of us flying commercial. Seeing and being seen is important for thousands of us every day as we fly on business or for vacations. Because people smarter than I am are on that issue, we don’t have a lot of problems with military stealth planes and other planes running afoul of one another.

Gizoogle Version:

Yo, stealth aircraft done been a blingin part of our military fo’ years. Their invisibilitizzle ta radar helps keep air crews safe;  dat is straight-up cool.

You’d gotta say suttin’ if you saw all dis bullshit. (image via brick of tha day.com)

–

I’m not shizzle how tha fuck phat bein invisible ta radar is fo’ dem of our asses flyin commercial. It aint nuthin but tha nick nack patty wack, I still gots tha bigger sack. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Seein n’ bein peeped is blingin fo’ thousandz of our asses every last muthafuckin dizzle as we fly on bidnizz or fo’ vacations. Because playas smarter than I be is on dat issue, our phat asses don’t gotz a shitload of problems wit military stealth planes n’ other planes hustlin afoul of one another.

Chowderhead

Original Version: Closing the Debate on Open Relationships

Last week a couple of friends and I got into a heated debate on the topic of Open Relationships.  And by “heated debate,” I mean “drunken melee involving projectile beer bottles, bawling/brawling girlfriends, whips and boomerangs, the police, and flying monkeys.”

PBS meets COPS meets Monty Python. 

But we’ll save that story for some other time.

“Yeah, he said the boomerang went that way.”

–

There was no real need for me to delve, but I love playing Devil’s Advocate. Anytime is a good time for a hearty bowl of philosophy soup.  However, my “scientific findings” from last Friday indicate that the generally conservative public thinks otherwise: the topic of Open Relationships really twists people’s guts.

Gizoogle Version:

Last week a cold-ass lil couple playaz n’ I gots tha fuck into a heated rap battle on tha topic of Open Relationships.  And by “heated debate,” I mean “drunken melee involvin projectile brew bottles, bawling/brawlin hoes, whips n’ boomerangs, tha police, n’ flyin monkeys.”

PBS meets COPS meets Monty Python. 

But we’ll save dat rap fo’ some other time.

“Yeah, da perved-out muthafucka holla’d tha boomerang went dat way.”

–

There was no real need fo’ me ta delve yo, but I gots a straight-up boner fo’ playin Devil’s Advocate fo’ realz. Anytime be a phat time fo’ a hearty bowl ofphilosophy soup.  But fuck dat shiznit yo, tha word on tha street is dat mah “scientistical findings” from last Fridizzle indicate dat tha generally conservatizzle hood be thinkin otherwise: tha topic of Open Relationships straight-up twists people’s guts.