Time Travelling Zombies Vs The Dinosaurs

If you are unfamiliar with SyFy Channels brand of movies, check out this post: My Simplistic Review of Sharknado.

If you don’t feel like clicking the link, and I know that you don’t…basically in a nutshell, SciFy Channels movies are weird, low budget, campy, and silly.

In other words: perfect.

Here is a short list of some of their offerings:

Alien Apocalypse

Rage of the Yeti

Dinoshark

Jersey Shore Shark Attack

Sharktopus

SO with that in mind, here are two movie concepts I would like to pitch to the SyFy channel.

Movie Concept Numero Uno:

Act I

The year is 3013 and Zombies have taken over the planet Earth. Only a few hundred uninfected humans are left including the evil Dr. Richard Dicks. The evil Dr. Richard Dicks has been building a time machine, unsuccessfully mind you, for the last twenty years. His plan is to go back in time before the Zombie Apocalypse and become rich off the stock market as inspired by the movie Back To The Future 2. Franklin Shallow and the Shallow Freedom Fighters learn of the evil Dr. Dicks plan and formulate a plan of their own to stop him. Franklin Shallow and the Shallow Freedom Fighters execute their plan in the middle of the night and everything goes wrong! As Franklin and the evil Dr. Dicks fight in hand to hand combat they accidentally start the untested Time Machine. Suddenly hordes of Zombies that have been kept at bay by the evil Dr. Dicks security systems break through and start eating all the Freedom Fighters and the evil Dr. Dicks evil Henchmen. As the zombies descend on Franklin Shallow and the evil Dr. Dicks, the Time Machine emits an eerie bright light and sucks all the Zombies into it, along with Franklin and the evil Dr. Dicks.

Act II

The Zombies, Franklin, and the evil Dr. Dicks find themselves back in time in the land of dinosaurs. The Zombies start attacking the dinosaurs. The big dinosaurs like the Brontosaurs and the T-Rex easily step and crush the Zombies, but the smaller Dinosaurs, like the  Compsognathus and the Velociraptor fall victim to the zombie’s bite and become Zombie Dinosaurs. Franklin and the evil Dr. Dicks realize they need to work together, along with the bigger dinosaurs to stop the Zombies and the Zombie Dinosaurs before the time line is drastically changed and man would cease to exist.

Movie Concept Numero B:

Crazy Grandma

The Stickman’s are an ordinary family. The family consists of Mom Stickman, Dad Stickman, Brother Stickman, Baby Stickman, and Grandma Stickman. Grandma Stickman often feels left out and ridiculed by the family.  The Stickman’s don’t mean to make Grandma feel this way, it just sort of happens. One Saturday night the Stickman’s decide to go out to their favorite fancy restaurant, The Olive Garden.  During the family’s fifth serving of the Never Ending Pasta Bowl Promotion, Grandma Stickman starts chocking on a meatball. The Stickman’s not realizing the severity of Grandma’s chocking start laughing and pointing at her. Not until Grandma starts turning blue does the Olive Garden waiter rush to her aid and applies the Heimlich Maneuver. Grandma passes out for a brief moment and goes to Hell. During her visit to Hell the Devil gives her special powers and super strength. When Grandma comes too, she goes on a rampage and kills everyone in the Olive Garden. She kills the Stickman’s by hanging them from the ceiling with Spaghetti. Then Grandma starts her killing spree through the small town with various funny one liners and new and crazy inventive killings.

Grandma Stickman is finally stopped by the Local Sheriff and the Local Demonologist in a show down that involves Ben Gay Ointment, Bingo Cards, and a car whose left blinker light has been on for the last seven miles.

Jack Is Better At This Vine Thing Than Me

No secret, I’m a big fan of Social Media. I usually try the latest and greatest, but mostly stick to the big three…at least for me…Twitter, Facebook, and WordPress.

Here is my quick take on some of them:

Twitter – The best one out there, by far, hands down. If you don’t have a Twitter, get one. If you don’t understand it, learn. One of the greatest things about it, is it’s list feature. You can create a news list, comedy list, sports list, etc.  Then you have little pockets of news and entertainment. However, sometimes the 140 character limit gets annoying because I can be wordy.

Facebook – Good for those posts that you just can’t get down to 140 characters no matter how hard you try.  Also apparently good for baby pictures, car pictures, and cryptic sad posts.

WordPress – A community. Enough said. Love.

Instagram – If you like pictures of other people’s food, then this is the place for you.

LinkedIn – Seems to be a network for people in business. The only thing I use it for is to promote this blog and the Long Awkward Pause magazine. I imagine people sitting around in business suits, opening their LinkedIn feed and seeing my posts about boobs, twinkies, and toilet paper and throwing their phones at the window. I drove by the Chase Bank building in downtown Orlando the other day after publishing and saw a big pile of cell phones lying outside of it and I smiled. I knew I did my job well that day.

FourSquare – Tells people when your not home. Good for members of the Wet Bandit Gang.

GetGlue – Tells people what shows you are watching. People really don’t care what shows I’m watching, I get that. However, you earn virtual stickers for checking into certain shows. The really cool thing is that GetGlue will send you real stickers of your virtual stickers for free! Everyone likes stickers.

Tumblr – If you like animated Gifs and seeing the same funny picture 50 times from 50 different people, then this different take on the blog format is for you. Also, boobs.

Google + – This service was suppose to be the Facebook killer. Well, after killing nothing, it’s now overrun by Google employees and people in various web related industries. If you’re a techie, web designer, or computer programmer, then you will want to hang out here.

Pinterest – It started with the women of the world posting their craft and holiday ideas. Slowly, some of us has been invading it with our dumb pictures and themes. I actually have a big following on here and have declared myself the King of Pinterest.

YouTube – We all know what this is…the cool thing about YouTube is that over the last couple of years they have funded original programming, and a lot of those shows are incredibly good. Three that I like to watch are: TableTop, Why Would You Eat That? and Bored Shorts TV. I also use YouTube to catch up the Jimmy Fallon Show.

There are other sites out there, but who cares?

About…I don’t know…6 or so months ago, along comes Vine for Android. IPhone users had Vine for awhile. If your not familiar, it’s an app where you record 6 second videos that play in a continuous loop.

Side Note: When Vine hit the Android platform the IPhone people were upset. This makes no sense to me, because if you are in to creating something, why wouldn’t want more people to see it? You just doubled your number of followers dumb ass! This was the start of putting a sour taste in my mouth about Vine.

Side Note Two: Vine has a created a new type of porn. The 6 second porn. Make your own obvious jokes here.

Side Note Three: I suck at Vine. I suck at all those other platforms too, but I really, really, really  suck at Vine.

For example, this was one of my first Vines:

And it has all the classics of what most Vines are: something random, some kid, and not very interesting.

Here is another attempt:

A lot of Viners…I don’t know if that is what they call themselves, but I’m calling them that…like to practice the art of misdirection, by filming one thing, then cutting to something random. Here is my attempt:

(If there is no sound, hover over the video with your mouse cursor and click the speaker icon that comes up. Your not missing anything if you can’t get it to work.)

I’m not a good Viner. Most of my vines miss the key action of the scene, like this from Medieval Times:

In this vine, it starts with me missing the start of the competition, thus the guy just sitting on the horse, then cut to me missing the battle, which is why you see the knight getting off the ground, and finally a missed shot of a knight being tossed from his horse.

This one is of a zombies at Universal’s Halloween Horror Nights walking through the bar line. I started the video too early and missed the actual walk through. No second chance with this stuff, which is why I just posted it anyway. It was cool…the part not in the Vine that is…

Here is another zombie where I cut off the Vine just before the attack on some unsuspecting tourist in line:

If you pay close attention, at the end you can see him about to lunge. I missed the lunge. The lunge was the best part.

As of this writing, I only have about 30 Vines. It’s not really something I plan on doing regularly.  Vine already has it’s standout “stars” as it is, one of them being Nicholas Megalis:

Go follow Nick, and in the meantime, I’ll just leave you with my best vine:

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The First Fifteen Minutes Of: The Horde (2009)

Why only review the first fifteen minutes? Because that is going to tell you whether or not or you would be interested in the rest of the movie.

The synapses: An end of the world battle between gangsters, cops and zombies in a high rise.
Directors: Yannick Dahan, Benjamin Rocher
Starring:  Claude Perron, Jean-Pierre Martins and Eriq Ebouaney
Total Running Time: 1:37

The film is originally in French, but the version I saw was dubbed over in English. Don’t worry, no reading required.

Zero Minutes In:

We open the movie to a view of a dead body, with an Angry Dude with a cross tattoo on his arm staring over a body.

Who is the dead man? Who is the Angry Dude?

We don’t know, because we cut to a funeral scene. The Angry Dude is there along with some French Chick. Which makes sense because the film is French, remember? We pan around the funeral attendees who mill between each other, always looking like they are going to say something to one another, yet they never do.

Then everyone kisses this Barbra Streisand looking lady. A scruffy bearded guy talks to her. We find out that the Dead Man is this woman’s husband. She tells Scruffy to “bring them all back to her.” Scruffy promises.

Next scene is at night. The Angry Dude, The French Chick, Scruffy, and Another Funeral Goer are shown trunk view from a car.

5 Minutes In:

They don some black ski masks, grab some guns, and head towards a skyrise apartment building.

Breathing heavy we get near the building to listen to some Guys With Dogs tell each other to “Fuck off!” That prompts what I assume is Angry Dude to tell the masked people to head to the back of the building. Which they do to some very fine dramatic music.

Crap! Some man is standing at the back of the building too! One of the masked men pulls out a knife. Another one tells him, “We are not here for a blood bath.” And promptly goes to the Dude That Was Just Standing There and beats him up.

Angry Dude rips off his mask. He is really angry now. Quickly pulling out his knife he kills the Dude That Was Just Standing There. Scruffy takes off his mask. Angry Dude tells him that, “Yes, we are here for a blood bath.”

They pull down their masks and enter the building.

Once inside the building, we enter a stairwell and do that whole: point-guns-in-different-directions-in-case-anyone-is-coming thing.

Some mustached man with a shotgun busts in on them from behind. Gun trigger sounds emit. Angry Dude pulls out a rather large wallet with a silver coin in the middle of it and holds it up.

We are guessing that is the French version of a police badge. The man with the shotgun tells the cops that he is the Superintendent of the building. They have a quick conversation about the whereabouts of the men they are looking for, the lookouts around the place, and also the fact that building is condemned. Up the stairs the cops (or coin collectors) go. The Superintendent mutters something about how this is his building and heads off in the opposite direction.

As we climb flight after flight of stairs we run across some mean looking chick smoking a cigarette.

We have a twenty second stare-off and move on. The Smoking lady looks like that the entire twenty seconds.

Continuing up the stairs we finally reach the top. A quick recap of the game plan from the Angry Man about who is blowing what up and who is shooting who, and of course the standard: “No one moves until I say so!”

10 Minutes In:

More gun pointing in various directions, this time down an empty hallway. We also do that finger in the air thing, where you point up to the sky to signal it’s clear and then wave the next person to run through to the target. A staple of all rush and seize scenes.

Next we do some of that silly putty/chewed bubble gum explosive thing, where we play with it and stick it on the door. Then you stick a exposed copper speaker wire into it.

However, before we can finish setting up the blow-the-door-open charges, the Superintendent bursts onto the scene to offer his shotgun to the Coin Collectors to help aid them against whoever is behind the door. Some loud whispering ensues, and the Angry Man steps in front of the door just as a bullet comes flying through it. What bad timing on his part.

Some more shooting through the door happens, then some explosions, until some guy emerges holding a gun.

The Superintendent shouts something unintelligible at the Guy With The Big Gun and is immediately shot by him like a hundred and forty times. So much for offering that great gun. He didn’t even get one shot off!

Another guy emerges and we start unmasking the Coin Collectors. (cops really, not trying to confuse you.) As the Second Guy discovers these masked men are Coin Collectors, a Third Guy emerges from the door, looking just as mean and grumpy as the first two.

How many mean and grumpy guys are behind this door anyway?
Four apparently.

As Third Guy is telling the other two to drag the bodies into the apartment, he tells Fourth Guy to go warn the Guys With Dogs downstairs that they have been breached. Fourth Guy blinks a lot and runs off. A Fifth Guy appears to help as Third Guy stares at the wounded Angry Dude. Third Guy rips off Angry Dude’s mask, and drags him into the apartment. He shuts the mostly blown apart apartment door.

We then cut back to the Guys With Dogs, but we just look at them for a brief second before returning to the interior of the apartment. All the Coin Collectors are against the wall. The Angry Dude is clearly dying and breathing like he has asthma.

But wait…another quick shot of Guys With Dogs and then back to the interior of the apartment.

We now see some Guy Tied On The Toilet. French Chick looks at him like she knows him. Third Guy holds a gun to Scruffys head and says, “Are you here looking for your (something unintelligible) and shoots Guy Tied On The Toilet.

15 Minutes

In review: So far not a single zombie. We have some good (or bad) cops seeking revenge against some bad guys in a condemned apartment building. They get caught.

Cast Of Characters So Far:
The Coin Collectors – Angry Dude, French Chick,Scruffy, and Another Funeral Goer plus Barbra Streisand looking lady.
The Bad Guys – Guy With Big Gun, Guys Two through Seven, Guys With Dogs.
Miscellaneous – Mean Smoking Lady, Dead Guy At The Beginning, The Superintendent

My Prediction For The Rest Of The Movie: The surviving cops and the bad guys will find a way to work together when the zombies do start appearing. Since this is in France the zombies will be fast, because European zombies are always fast. That’s how you tell they are European. At the end of the movie the French Chick, The Head Gangster, and Scruffy will survive or possibly just Scruffy.

Would I Continue Watching: Yes. It has potential, plus even though there has been no zombies yet, I see them coming in the very near future.

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What Other People Post On My Facebook Wall Pt 1 (NSFW)

Thought I would share a little of what other people post on my Facebook wall:

If you go to lazertits.com it really is a site featuring lazers and tits.

It’s true!

I don’t know who the guy is that commented…and I don’t know if he is calling me an old man or my friend that posted the picture an old man. But if I was a Jedi, he would be forced choked…or made to go streaking in the quad.

I never realized.

What are you trying to say?

It’s funny because it’s true.

I can sometimes focus on four things at once.

Pure awesome.

This graph is way off. More blue, a lot less green, maybe a tad more red…which if you think about it, that’s what adding more blue does…increases red. Mind blown.

Me Vs. The Doll

The Toddler has these dolls that she constantly needs help dressing and undressing.

First off, these dolls are kind of scary.

They are based on old 1950’s horror monsters like Dracula, The Mummy, A Zombie, and Donald Trump…but they are suppose to be High School Teens.

This one’s name is Draculaura.

She needs help with the clothes because…

The doll is manufactured by Satan himself.

Evidence #1: They are based on horror creatures that use to give me nightmares as a kid. Every Saturday night we would sneak downstairs after the parents went to bed and watch the Late, Late, Horror Movie Double Feature on Channel 10. They featured all the classic 1950’s monsters.

And they scared us. Now, they are a toddler’s toy.

How times have changed.

I guess there are scarier things in the world today.

Evidence #2: Really small sleeves, really big hands, and fingers spread far apart.

I submit Exhibit B, in support of the small sleeves, big hands, spread fingers claim.

It takes nearly a better part of the day to try to remove the shirt of this doll…pretty much like trying to remove the shirt of a real woman.

Halfway there after 5 hours of struggling.

6 beers bought for the doll and 5 more hours later, I finally have her shirt off to reveal that she is a B cup.

Now unbeknownst to me, the Toddler doesn’t actually have a change of clothes for the doll. The doll apparently only owns one shirt.

So guess what?

THE TODDLER WANTS THE DAMN SHIRT BACK ON!

I just spent 10 hours getting the shirt off!

But  in my frustration and rage, while trying to get the shirt back on, something happened.

The hand popped off.

That’s right folks, just pop those hands right off.  The shirt no problem now. I can now put it on and take it off easily, quickly, and stress free.

Hands free!

Take that Satan’s doll maker!

Doll 2

Dad 1

Hey! That’s from my private collection! Who put that in here?

“You didn’t tell there was a party going on in here!”
“There is always room for you chick with odd colored skin”
“You look uncomfortable. Pop off those hands so we can take that dress off.”

[Just crossed the line enough….to not get Freshly Pressed. 😉 ]