Breaking Bad As Written By Edgar Allen Poe

Once upon a Sunday night, while I pondered channel surfing,
Over football, reruns, and 60 Minutes, Oh bore
In my seat, I nodded, nearly pondered a Tosh repeat
What was the answer, but a teacher dying of cancer
‘Tis can’t be entertaining,’ I muttered, ‘I will watch this one episode and nothing more.’

Ah, distinctly I was engrossed, this coward teacher host,
And his brother-in-law the DEA jerk
Whom he rode along on the meth bust, an undiscovered perk
Which sparked the idea for an empire desire
The angels name Jessie to help
Heisenberg here for evermore

At first the RV housed the cook
Tighty-whitey in the dessert, was the hook
It’s the purest of the pure, moving one rock at a time
Was not enough to pay the tough bill that the doctor’s inflict
On Heisenberg and nothing more

A finger lickin’ chicken came a knockin’
Knockin’ knockin on He Who Knocks Door
The money was flowing, as the meth was growing
Blue was the signature hue, that built the family vault
But only Flynn knew not the truth, his cereal spoon of youth
And Gus was in charge evermore

Until one fateful day, Gus was blown away
And Walt and Jessie fought, retiring to the car wash that he bought
Soon Mike was led astray, his men would get no pay
Cold, cold Todd would appear, and shoot a kid, oh dear
Causing Heisenberg to retire and nothing more

Complications would arise, much to everyone’s surprise
As Hank would die that day, and Walt would run away
Saul could not help, for his own spinoff show had been dealt
Jessie is captured and put in the ground to stay
While Todd looks like Matt Damon, evermore

Heinsberg doth Skyinsberg berate, what will be now be his fate
The show will come to a close, with Jessie and his broken nose
A Machine Gun and Ricin are the clue, graffiti on the wall in blue
All five seasons I did adore, although it probably could have ended in four

As I fear Heinsberg will be nevermore

Damn you Raven!

If Blogging Invaded TV Shows

Local newspaper reporter Susie Stackedhouse knows how it feels to be an outcast. “Cursed” with the ability to post three times a day, she starts a blog about vampires and vampire culture. When  vampire/blogger Burt Romperton, a handsome 173-year-old living vamp comes to town, Susie is drawn into a series of journal blogs surrounding Burt’s mysterious penchant for only posting at night. Add in a blogging werewolf, several video blogging fairies, and a Tumblr addict shapeshifter, and Susie’s world will never be the same again.

The Blogging Dead tells the story of the months and years that follow after the internet is destroyed. A group of bloggers, led by a ranter blogger, Dick Grimey, travel in search of a new internet connection. Along the way they encounter dangerous groups of people with no internet…and nothing to do. This new people just stumble aimlessly around, lost and growling, looking for something…The group must survive these internet-less zombies…and each other…

“Blogging Bad” follows protagonist Willy Whipple, a copyright editor who lives in New Mexico with his wife  and teenage son who has dyslexia. Whipple is diagnosed with Stage 12 cancer and given a prognosis of two months left to live. With a new sense of fearlessness based on his medical prognosis, and a desire to secure his family’s financial security, Whipple chooses to enter a dangerous world of blogging with Amazon Advertisers to help pay the bills. The series explores how a copyright editor such as Whipple releases a typical How-To blogger from the daily care free post-whenever-the-wind-blows-world and follows his transformation into corporate spokesperson.

The show revolves around the conflicted world of Dude Dabbler, the biggest blogger in the business, and his co-writers. As Dude makes the decisions on which articles to post, he struggles to stay a step ahead of the rapidly changing social media fickle times and the young bloggers who just want to post boob pictures nipping at his heels.

Summers with kids out of school seem to span decades. Winters can last a lifetime. And the struggle for the Blogging Throne has begun. It will stretch from the south, where budding recipe bloggers think they should publish a cookbook; to the vast and savage eastern lands filled with fashion bloggers; all the way to the frozen north. Sex Bloggers, Ranters, Mommy Bloggers, Travel Bloggers, Reviewers, …all will play the “Game of Blogs.”

For Sammy and Rudolph, the awkwardness of being the new bloggers is made worse by the fact that their dad has taken a job as the High School Journalism teacher. The school is one big culture shock for Sammy, a sweet and friendly blogger with a passion for cutting and pasting google images, and Rudolph, a wiz at blogging lists, and who was adopted by the Wilton family after they took him in as a foster child. Sammy and Rudolph have a close sibling relationship, which they’ll need to help them cope with all the teen bloggers, including Naomi, who doesn’t use her real name on her blog; Erik, a popular video game reviewer; David, an aspiring blog journalist who heads up the school’s stamp collecting club; and Goldy, a rebel who produces and stars in a YouTube-type video series. The Wilton family has just begun to realize how much their lives are about to be published.

My Simplistic Review Of The Simpson’s Tapped Out Help Blog With Guest Blogger Tom

Hey…it’s me…Chris. I have an obsession…besides the one most of you know about (boobs)…it’s the Simpson’s Tapped Out Game. I play it at least three times a day…everyday. I got a bunch of my friends to play it too. We huddle in corners at work furiously tapping our Simpson’s communities to earn money and pink donuts, closed off from the rest of the world like tapping Simpsons vampires…

Ok, maybe not quite like that.

That actually may have not made any sense…ignore that whole tapping Simpsons vampire thing…. 

Anyway, my friend Tom from the blog, TSTOhelp (which stands for The Simpsons Tapped Out Help) and myself are going to give you a brief overview of the game.

Chris: Welcome, Tom

Tom: Thanks for having me here. Big fan of the game huh?

Chris: I love this game! Tom, I thought it would be really cool if we role play for a minute. I’ll be Homer Simpson and you be a random Springfield person.

Tom: Uh, OK.

Chris: Just pretend we are walking down the street and you run into me, but remember I’m Homer, not Chris.

Tom: Yeah, I got the premise.  Hi Homer.

Chris: D’oh!

Tom: How are you doing today Homer?

Chris: D’oh!

Tom: Thanks Chris, that’s not really working. Why don’t I talk about the actual game instead.

Chris: D’oh!

Tom: Moving forward….Simpsons Tapped Out has become a worldwide obsession with people of all ages within a very short period of time, generating millions of dollars for EA by the mere act of telling people to tap furiously on their screens all in an attempt to create a village that outweighs everyone else’s.

Chris: Did you say millions?

Tom: Yes. It’s their number one revenue producing game right now.

Chris: Really? Does it make more money than Madden Football?

Tom: Yes, I believe it does. I don’t work for EA so I don’t have the exact figures on all their games.

Chris: Does it make more money than Bejeweled Temple Run Tetris  Solitaire?

Tom: I don’t think that’s a game. I think you just randomly mashed together some famous game names.

Chris: Maybe I did…

Tom: Continuing to move forward, the story of Tapped Out follows a highly likely scenario in which, Homer, playing on his ‘mypad’, accidentally causes a nuclear meltdown in the Springfield Powerplant and causes the Springfield we all know and love to be blown apart leaving nothing but himself and a green square of land.  With the help of Homer and the ‘giant finger’ (i.e. you), the task is the rebuild Springfield from scratch starting with the Simpson house.  Much like fellow real-time games such as FarmVille or The Sims series, Tapped out involves putting in time and patience to restructure Springfield however you see fit, erecting buildings and decorations reaps rewards such as XP and cash with characters in the mix as well (build a kwik-e-mart and get Apu etc.)

Chris: I like when Ned says, ‘Oh noooo’ when you assign him a task. Even when you tell him to go to church, he says it. Ironic.

Tom: Yes, the voices are done by the actual actors. The buildings all have unique animations when someone is in them. All in the Simpson style and look.

Chris:  I also like the Playboy Marge task where she goes around flashing the other characters.

Tom: There is no Playboy Marge task. This is a family game.

Chris: Well there should be. Hey, you want to see some funny pictures I took of the game?

Tom: Um, sure.

This is Nelson laughing at Cletus…only I was never fast enough to catch him with his finger up and pointing.

I think that’s Ned they have in the barrel. I can’t remember. I also like that Willie is more concerned with raking leaves, instead of the drowning Ned.

Ned is in double trouble here, not only is this guy beating him up in front of Burn’s mansion, but look to the left…there is a machine gun pointed at him too!

 

Tom: Those were great. All I can say is, keep practicing taking screenshots.  Thank you Chris for being extremely generous in lending me your blog for an opportunity to advertise my blog briefly; TSTOhelp It’s a relatively new daily post blog in which I provide information on The Simpsons: Tapped Out.  Walkthroughs, Building information, Charater Quests and Design tips, I take questions through my Facebook Page and through E-mail @ nam-redips15@live.co.uk – all of which I attempt to answer as soon as I get them and to the best of my ability.

I would really appreciate it if you guys could take a look (if you play the game) and share your views on the site and your experience with the game so far, I offer the chance to get involved and show me your designs and share pictures of your Springfields too!  If you don’t play the game, you really should 🙂

Chris: I love this game so much, I sometimes play while having sex.

Tom: That’s a little personal to share, don’t you think?

Chris: Sometimes I get carried away and scream, ‘Give me your pink donut!’

Tom: Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea…By the way Simpson’s Tapped Out is available on iTunes and the Android Play Market, and it’s free!

Breaking Bad, Breaking Balls

Joe is the morning jock on one of the coolest stations in the country, CD102.1 FM. (I think…it used to be 101.1, but something happened. It’s in my hometown in Columbus, Ohio which is why I’m confused, ’cause I currently live in Florida. Anyway, it was one of the first stations to branch outside the mainstream of standard cut and dry rock and roll, and play whatever music they wanted. Enough background.)

Joe is a good guy, and has met more famous people than me*, but he is missing the mark here:

That Tim guy doesn’t watch the show, you can tell by the ignorant comment. Number one rule of social media, never comment on a show you have never watched. You will look stupid every time.

This…

…blows up to this…Oh the irony because Game of Thrones doesn’t take over the internet while it’s on…except for maybe this year because it sucked.

Jeff, you are my favorite person I don’t know on this thread. (Joe, your still my favorite person I do know on this thread.)

I, of course, like someone who has a favorite sports team, have my Facebook timeline decked out for today:

It’s my team’s colors.

The show resumes tonight, so if you need to get catch up:

*Which has nothing to do with this post. Just makes me jealous**.

**I’m hoping to be published again at the end of the year. I’m waiting to hear back from The Zombie Survival Crew.***

***I was supposed to meet Michael Rooker from the first time I was published with ZSC, so hopefully I can remind**** them of that if I’m chosen again for their new publication….’cause I never got to meet him. Maybe I can meet ‘Maggie’ instead…

****Although if I push the issue, they may not accept my submission***** because they may think I’m being a dick.******

*****I have to play it cool because this new publication is outside my comfort zone. So maybe I won’t push the issue until after the book hits the stores.

******I am a dick.

It’s The Simpson’s

I live in the land of theme parks, and that land is named: Orlando.

One of the new big things that has come this summer is The Transformers ride to Universal Studios.

Bumblebee impersonating Tony Hawk.

It’s a pretty good ride. I even liked it when it was called Spiderman.

Spider-Man impersonating Tony Hawk trying to hold in a poo.

I know not everyone has made it down to Universal Studios Florida, so the joke there is that they are basically the same ride with different themes.

I’m actually more excited about something different that has come to Universal Studios and that is: Springfield!

They have had a Simpson’s ride for a couple of years and it is really good (and different from Spiderman/Transformers), and also the Kwik-E-Mart. When the ride first came, they turned a couple of the local 7/11s here into Kwik-E-Marts where they sold Buzz Cola, Krusty O’s, Pink Doughnuts, and Squishees.

To that ride, Universal has added Moe’s Tavern, Krusty Burger, The Frying Dutchman, Luigi’s, Duff Brewery, Lard Lad, and Android’s Dungeon. As well as a couple show themed places, which I don’t think where in the show itself, Cleatus’ Chicken Shack and Bumblebee Man’s Tacos.

You can correct me if I’m wrong.

I’m kind of weird about the show anyway. I’m actually not that big of fan. However, I think Homer Simpson is one of the best characters ever created. I’m a huge Homer fan. I even have a life size cardboard cutout of Homer that watches over the kids in our game room.

My my my my Homa…Kids you need to stop playing video games and go outside…but not too far outside…

For those who are not visiting me anytime soon, let me take you on a brief tour of the come-to-life Springfield.

Android’s Dungeon is actually not a comic book store but a bathroom. Kind of disappointing, but Comic Book Man did take a piss next to me when I used the facilities.

This is Moe’s and yes it is a real bar.

While we were waiting for Moe’s to open at 10:30 am…yes, you read that right…everyone would come to the door and take this picture. So the wife had too as well. I don’t think the tourists knew this was an actual real bar.

Sitting at the bar. The Flaming Moe is actually nonalcoholic. They put dry ice in the bottom of the drink to make it smoke. It tastes like orange soda. You can also get Duff, Duff Light, and Buzz Cola here.

The Flaming Moe up close.

Some more view of the inside of the bar. The guy in the picture works at the Frying Dutchman.

What could almost top Moe’s? Krusty Burger of course!

I don’t know what the special sauce is, but when they offer it, don’t turn it down. Get extra. On the side. It’s messy. Delish! Look closely at the paper lining the basket. This is the real deal.

Duff Brewery is going to be an outdoor bar. In addition to the other fine Duff products, it will also offer Duff Dark. It wasn’t open the day I was there, but it is now.

I don’t know if Lard Lad will be selling donuts, but you can find pink donuts the size of your head at Kwik-E-Mart.

The Action Hero Lists

Action Heroes Favorite Weapons…

1) Guns

2) Knives

3) Humor

4) Dynamite/bombs

5) Box Office Receipts 

 

Why Action Heroes Would Not Make Good Car Wash Attendants… 

1) They tend to crash cars

2) They tend to blow up buildings

3) They tend to not hold jobs long

4) They tend to blow up cars too

5) They tend to hate their boss

 

Top 5 Animals Action Heroes Hate…

1) Snakes

2) Sharks

3) John Malkovich

4) Walruses 

5) Dogs

 

Things Action Heroes Like To Jump…

1) Cars

2) Bodies of Water

3) Canyons

4) The Leading Lady

5) Buildings

 

Songs Action Hero Like To Listen To…

1) Jump – Van Halen

2) Grenade – Bruno Mars

3) Cuts Like A Knife – Bryan Adams

4) Anything by Guns And Roses

5) We Don’t Need Another Hero – Tina Turner

 

Best Action Hero Choices…

1) Bruce Willis

2) Arnold Schwarzenegger

3) Harrison Ford

4) Steven McQueen

5) The Rock

 

Worst Action Hero Choices…

1) W.C. Fields

2) Bill Gates

3) The Drummer From Def Leppard

4) Grumpy Cat (from the internet)

5) Pee Wee Herman

 

A Sampling* Of The Best Action Movies…

1) Die Hard

2) Speed

3) Enter The Dragon

4) The Matrix

5) Terminator 2

 

Games Action Heroes Like To Play…

1) Risk

2) Solitaire

3) Hide And Go Seek

4) Beer Pong

5) London Bridges

 

A Sampling Of The Worst Action Movies (but you’ll watch them anyway)…

1) Point Break

2) Face/Off

3) Spider-man 3

4) Howard the Duck

5) Sharknado

 

Best Action Hero One Liners….

1) Yippie Ki Yay Mother Fucker! – Die Hard

2) Say Hello to my little friend!  – Scarface

3) I’ve come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass…and I’m all out of bubble gum! – They Live

4) Hasta-la-vista baby! – The Terminator

5) Always bet on black! – Passenger 57

 

Worst Alarm Clock Sounds For An Action Hero…

1) Bombs

2) Fresh Prince Of Bel Air Theme Song

3) Bad Guy Explaining His Plans

4) 60 Minutes TV Show Clock Ticking

5) Samuel L. Jackson Reading Dr. Suess’ Hop On Pop

 

Why I Would Not Make A Good Action Hero….

1) I don’t look good in a wife beater

2) I can’t decide on a cool looking logo

3) I’m lazy

4) My catch phrase is, “I don’t know, what do you want to do?”

5) I need to eat. You never see action heroes eat.

 

*I said sampling, I did not mean these were the only ones!

 

 

 

 

Dear…Sincerely

Dear Candy Crush,

Playing Level 65 a thousand times without beating it is not fun!

Sincerely,

Not Spending Any Money On Charms You Bastard!

—–

Dear 6 Year Old,

I’m changing my name so you can’t call it a million times an hour.

Sincerely,

Mxyzptlk-ya-gowkza (Formally Known As Dad)

—–

Dear Game Of Thrones,

All you have done is talk for 9 episodes, and now we are going to make it exciting?!

Sincerely,

Smells Like Boardwalk Empire

—–

Dear Fart,

Your timing sucks!

Sincerely,

She Is Not Impressed With My Lovemaking Skills

—–

Dear Lazy People,

TV Remotes, Dishwashers, Car Clickers, ATMs, Cell Phones, Sporks

Sincerely,

The Spork Is Underrated

—–

Dear Iphone 6,

We have already released our phone so you could copy the features and make everyone buy new phones again. You’re welcome.

Sincerely,

Galaxy 4s

—–

Dear TV Executives,

Sleepy Hollow, Hannibal, Bates Mates…recycling at it’s best.

Sincerely,

That Does Nothing To Save The Planet

—–

Dear Three Blind Mice,

Sorry to hear your tails got cut off.

Sincerely,

1-800-Find-A-Lawyer

—–

Dear Eminem,

It would be cool if you were a TV advertising spokesperson. Just saying.

Sincerely,

M&M’s

—–

Dear Every Light On In The House,

Kids…Why? Is This Necessary?

Sincerely,

Thanks For Making Me Sound Like My Dad

Facebook Friday Pt 7

It’s always cool when a celebrity respondes to your tweet. I got two celebrities to respond to me this week.

I tweeted this out:

And got this lengthy explaination:

I knew it!

And even more impressive, when I tweeted this:

I got this:

—–

Got some backlash on this one. It was only a joke. I bought her Mother’s Day present at Family Dollar a week ago.

For those that don’t wish to squint it says: My favorite kid’s playground toy: “Let’s pretend to drive a fence.”

My Simplistic Review Of Zombieland The TV Series

Amazon.com has released their first orginal program (sort of since it’s based on the movie): Zombieland The TV Series.

Along with Netflixs, Crackle, YouTube, and maybe Hulu (to lazy to fact check) this represents the direction you maybe watching TV in the future.

Watch out overpriced cable companies.

I sat down and figured out that I pay $1440 a year for cable. That’s 1106.84 in Euro my overseas amigos.

To be fair, that  price does include cable with HBO and Encore, Internet, House Phone, and a DVR.

I don’t need the house phone, but I do need HBO and AMC. HBO for True Blood, Game of Thrones, Boardwalk Empire, and Girls. AMC for Walking Dead and Breaking Bad. (Breaking Bad ends this year. If you have never watched, you should. You have to start with season one, epsiode one…yes it’s that kind of show.)

I’m trying to figure out if I can cut the Cable handcuffs. It’s $8 a month for Netflicks and Hulu Plus each. It’s $79 a year for Amazon Prime, which includes unlimited streaming of all their shows. Otherwise you are paying a price per show. And you get free shipping on crap you buy from the site.

That ends up totaling to $271 a year. I don’t know what my internet would cost unbundled. One of my friends told me they pay $79 a month. I think I can get a lower price, but I will use that for now. That gives me a grand total of $1,219 (935.75 euro or 38124.73 rubles ) a year.

It’s not that much of a savings, plus you have to add a one time expense of an Apps TV. I know what some of you techies are thinking: you can use a gaming console, google/apple TV box, or a streaming BluRay player if you want…

True…but the Apps TV is much smoother, quicker, and you only have to turn on one device instead of two.

Yup, lazy. I know.

I think I might be able to get internet for $50 a month which would bring the total down to $871 a year.

(A savings of $569 a year…and if you act now, we will throw in a second one for free!)

(A second what?)

(Shhhh! I don’t know, just go with it!)

(Whatever….)

Still debating…but regardless of the debate I do want an Apps TV….

Ooops, my review of Zombieland The TV Series…

It was hard to get used to the guy that was playing Woody Harrelson’s part…not that he was bad, just he wasn’t Woody Harrelson. Other than that the production values were much higher than I expected.

The only negatives I had was electricity and OnStar is still available in their version of the apocalypse. OnStar maybe, but electricity? Come on!

First episode is free on Amazon.com.

Spongebob To Golf And Back

Sick. Sick. Sick.

I’ve been sick.

It was much more worse two weeks ago.

On Sunday I sat in a chair and just let the kids do whatever they want. My plan was to either:

A) Sleep and not move until I felt better

or

B) Die.

The 6 year old’s plan was to watch endless hours of Spongebob Squarepants on the DVR.

She did.

I did too.

Eventually she moved on to her karaoke machine to sing One Direction’s What Makes You Beautiful. (Her own special version.)

I watched the rest of Spongebob with the One Direction song blaring in the other room. The episode ended and clicked off of the DVR, leaving me with Golf…and the TV remote across the room on the couch.

In my sick state, it might as well have been in Iceland.

Or Greenland.

Or Mordor.

Or Mordorland.

Even though I live in Florida, I’m not a golfer. I tried a couple of times. I had a lot of fun too, until the greenskeeper yelled at me to stop racing the other golfers in the golf carts, and that I needed to actually play the game of golf. I got kicked out when they found out I didn’t even have a set of golf clubs with me.

I have never watched golf on TV before…

I found it boring to play, so I doubt I would find it much more stimulating to watch.

I was wrong! It was quite actually entertaining to watch. Now it could have just been the fever boiling my brain that made it so fun to watch, but regardless I was hooked for the afternoon.

First question that popped into my head…who decided it was a good idea to take the smallest ball possible and try to shoot it into a hole four miles away? This is where mini golf is better, because the hole is only 4 feet away and you get to travel through a windmill.

I think orginally the Scottish invented golf as a joke on everyone else.

“Ah, laddies! Here is a new sport…(hee hee). Try to take this itty bitty ball and put it in the hole way yonder there! You can’t see the hole, but trust me…it’s there. Swing this metal stick against the ball. Oh, and you can only do it in three tries or less. If not, you have to throw that tree stump around!”

Second question: How close are the golf announcers to the actual golf players in order that they have to talk like yoga instructors? I watched the golfers move from hole to hole…without golf carts mind you, no racing for these guys…but when they cut back to the anouncers, they didn’t seem to move at all…yet still talked like they were trying to put me in a trance.

For some reason after watching this telecast, on certain key words I will take off all my clothes and cluck like a chicken…but I don’t want to talk about it.

Shhhhhh!

(Asparagus)

The most impressive thing about watching golf on TV….the cameramen! They can follow that teeny tiny golf ball from swing to water hole. I wonder if you have to go to special golf cameraman school for that?

Golf cameramen get to race golf carts.

At the very end Tiger Woods won, which I guess doesn’t happen very often anymore…. ?

I don’t know.

People seemed excited about it. The strange thing was, was that Tiger Woods’ caddie slapped him on the butt like a football player! That’s dangerous man! Give Tiger the right opening and he will have sex with you.

It’s in the game.