Tag Archives: ode

Those Insensitive Children’s Games We Played

3 Oct

Play time is different for kid’s nowadays. Gone are the times when your parents would kick you out of the house armed with only a ball and your bike, and you wouldn’t see each other until dinner.

Friday was meatloaf night, I was always late on Friday night.

Imagination and pick-up games ruled the neighborhood. Everyone would meet at the “spot.” And the “spot” was different per social class child gang.  Our “spot” was a cleared out field that was going to be developed into houses as soon as the plots of land were bought. In the background stood the forest which was only  a few hundred feet of uncleared woods, but at 10 years old, perfect for building a tree fort or going hiking without any fear of getting lost forever like Hansel and Gretel…the Brothers Grimm version, not the weird movie remake.

Two other important differences from the way children play today.


There was a clear cut winner, whether it was an individual or team sport. Not everyone had an equal chance of winning. It did depend on your skill. If you swung and missed the ball three times with your bat, you sat down, you were out. You didn’t keep swinging until you eventually hit the ball. Often if you were the kid that sucked at baseball, you were the kid that was King of dangerous homemade bike ramp jumping.


For better or for worse the names of the games were not always politically correct. No one seemed to notice or care. Two prime examples from my childhood was: Smear the Queer and Black Man’s Tag.

If you are unfamiliar with the game Smear The Queer, the rules are simple. Throw the ball in the air and whoever catches has to run without being tackled. This could be played with any number of kids from 2 to 200. There is no designated place to run to, you just keep going until A) you’re tired or B) you’re tackled. If you get tackled then you throw the ball in the air and it starts all over again.

The great thing about this game: no thinking required. A helmet should have been required, it wasn’t, but definitely thinking went out the door. Your caveman instinct of survival kicked in and you just ran and ran until your friends piled on top of you like fat kids on the last Klondike bar.

For most, the offensive word in this game is Queer.  But I think the scarier word is actually; Smear. Think about how you would Smear something. Now think about violently Smearing something…or someone. Queer could be derogatory or empowering depending on how you say it. (Think Queer Eye For The Straight Guy) However, Smearing is Smearing, and there is no coming back from a proper Smearing whether your finger painting or recreating a Slasher movie.

In Black Man’s Tag the basic concept was that one person was “It”, and would tag the other players who were running back and forth between two safe zones. If you got tagged, you would join the “It” person and help them tag people until their was only one left, which was usually my friend Gilbert. He was damn fast. He was German. I don’t know if that is what made him so fast, but I think Germans played around with genetic enhancing during Word War II.

He may have been a by product of that.

We played this in the school’s parking lot with each end of it being the safe zones. You could not be tagged in the safe zone. If only big cities worked this way too.


A Simple graph for visualization.

I don’t know why it was called Black Man’s tag. Never really thought about the name until I became an adult. I had Black friends who played it. They never said anything about the name either.

“Hey, why does it have to be Black Man’s tag, why can’t it be Island Pacificer Tag? Or Spanish-American-Croatian Tag? Huh? Racist!”

The names of both of these games could admittedly have been chosen better. Maybe Black Man’s Tag could have been renamed Zombie Tag and Smear The Queer could have been renamed Rugby.

But as a kid it didn’t matter what the name of the game was, we just wanted to play.

Good job Gilbert, you genetically enhanced bastard. Good job.

Breaking Bad As Written By Edgar Allen Poe

29 Sep

Once upon a Sunday night, while I pondered channel surfing,
Over football, reruns, and 60 Minutes, Oh bore
In my seat, I nodded, nearly pondered a Tosh repeat
What was the answer, but a teacher dying of cancer
‘Tis can’t be entertaining,’ I muttered, ‘I will watch this one episode and nothing more.’

Ah, distinctly I was engrossed, this coward teacher host,
And his brother-in-law the DEA jerk
Whom he rode along on the meth bust, an undiscovered perk
Which sparked the idea for an empire desire
The angels name Jessie to help
Heisenberg here for evermore

At first the RV housed the cook
Tighty-whitey in the dessert, was the hook
It’s the purest of the pure, moving one rock at a time
Was not enough to pay the tough bill that the doctor’s inflict
On Heisenberg and nothing more

A finger lickin’ chicken came a knockin’
Knockin’ knockin on He Who Knocks Door
The money was flowing, as the meth was growing
Blue was the signature hue, that built the family vault
But only Flynn knew not the truth, his cereal spoon of youth
And Gus was in charge evermore

Until one fateful day, Gus was blown away
And Walt and Jessie fought, retiring to the car wash that he bought
Soon Mike was led astray, his men would get no pay
Cold, cold Todd would appear, and shoot a kid, oh dear
Causing Heisenberg to retire and nothing more

Complications would arise, much to everyone’s surprise
As Hank would die that day, and Walt would run away
Saul could not help, for his own spinoff show had been dealt
Jessie is captured and put in the ground to stay
While Todd looks like Matt Damon, evermore

Heinsberg doth Skyinsberg berate, what will be now be his fate
The show will come to a close, with Jessie and his broken nose
A Machine Gun and Ricin are the clue, graffiti on the wall in blue
All five seasons I did adore, although it probably could have ended in four

As I fear Heinsberg will be nevermore

Damn you Raven!

“Everyday Quotes” turn the mundane into art

13 Jun

It’s Thursday, time to shake out a reblog that’s been caught between the sheets. For this week’s reblog, I actually had this idea about a year ago, but I forgot I had this idea until I saw it in print on Era Magazine to which I immediately said, “Hey, that’s funny! Wait! I thought of that almost a year ago….crap!” So enjoy Era Magazine’s version of my idea, which to be fair, I never wrote down or told anyone.

Era Magazine

The trend of combining inspirational quotes floating over pretty vintage pictures is currently dominating Tumblr and Pinterest. Seems like there’s some magical quote to make you feel better about anything from being single to just being reckless and stupid. Artist Felicity Fenton puts her own spin on that trend by turning mundane phrases we’ve all uttered and spun them into art.

See the rest on her site!

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A Can Of Green Beans

2 Apr

Green Beans

Oh, Can Of Green Beans

How You Mock Me

With Your Green Beany-ness

With Your Label With Your Picture On It

Looking Delicious


I Do Like Wax Beans A Little Bit Better

Just So You Know!

To Be Honest

I Do Like You Mixed With Wax Beans

If Only The World Could Mix As Well

As You And Wax Beans

Then The World Would Be A Better Place

A Little Bit Of Green

A Little Bit Of Wax

No Cauliflower Though

That Stuff Is Nasty

Ol’ Shaky Cheese – A Collection of Love Poems

3 Sep
Ol’ Shaky Cheese
I prefer to call you Parmesan
The other way
Makes it sound like you have
Parkinson’s disease


Take off your coat…
And your necklace…
And your sweater…
And your shirt….
And your tank top…
And your corset…
And your bra…
And your nipple covers…
Is that really an Aquaman tattoo between your breasts?


Sometimes I look at the stars and count them
1,092,345,637,253, 1,092,345,637,254,1,092,345,637,255…
Our love is like counting stars
And long and tedious
And died like a million years ago


Don’t forget
When the Zombie apocalypse
Spam is your friend


The Beef and Broccoli you had for lunch
Which is just a hunch
On my part
Because while you ate all the Beef
The Broccoli is still stuck between your teeth

TV Theme Songs As Haiku’s

29 May

See if you can guess these TV Show Theme Songs I have put into Haiku Format.

I don’t think any these will be too hard.

Hint: They are older shows


Baby, You Wondered

Cincinnati, On The Air

WKRP, Yeah


Love, Exciting, New

Come Aboard Expecting You

Let It Flow Romance


Just A Good Ol’ boy

 Born  In Trouble With the Law

Only Way They Know


All of them, golden

This lady met this fella

Much more than a hunch


Now this story is how

I became Prince of Bel Air

Smell ya later cab


You take good, take bad

And there you have, Facts of Life

Gotta Get ’em right


Show me that smile

As long as we got each other

Baby rain or shine


On your mark get set

Let’s go now, got a dreaming

Make all your dreams true


Time to play the music

Time to light the lights and meet

The Muppets tonight


A three hour tour

Now sit right back and you’ll hear

A tale of a trip


Da Doo Da Doo Da

Doo Da Da Da Da Daaaa Daaaa

Da Doo Doo Doo Daaaaa


Protected: BrainRants vs The Zombies

10 May

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