On A Side Note: With Author Rodney Lacroix

Join me over at Long Awkward Pause today as I interview or don’t interview Moooooog35 aka Rodney Lacroix. He has a new book and it’s hilarious!

This was supposed to be an interview with author and humorist Rodney Lacroix, but since the man decided to release a book* and get married in the same week, I decided to do him a favor…well, more his for his bride… I decided do the article without him. Rodney agreed to do the interview mind you, but I have learned that women are crazy, especially when they are getting married…or eating, or watching TV, or…even sleeping!

So, you know Rodney…you owe me. I saved your marriage before it even began. I had made plans to fly to New Hampshire and meet Rodney on his home turf. I thought we would conduct the interview in a local Gastropub. I’m not sure what a Gastropub is, but it has the word gas in it, so I thought Rodney might like that. Then I would order us two Kentucky Breakfast Stouts, a local…

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Jack Is Better At This Vine Thing Than Me

No secret, I’m a big fan of Social Media. I usually try the latest and greatest, but mostly stick to the big three…at least for me…Twitter, Facebook, and WordPress.

Here is my quick take on some of them:

Twitter – The best one out there, by far, hands down. If you don’t have a Twitter, get one. If you don’t understand it, learn. One of the greatest things about it, is it’s list feature. You can create a news list, comedy list, sports list, etc.  Then you have little pockets of news and entertainment. However, sometimes the 140 character limit gets annoying because I can be wordy.

Facebook – Good for those posts that you just can’t get down to 140 characters no matter how hard you try.  Also apparently good for baby pictures, car pictures, and cryptic sad posts.

WordPress – A community. Enough said. Love.

Instagram – If you like pictures of other people’s food, then this is the place for you.

LinkedIn – Seems to be a network for people in business. The only thing I use it for is to promote this blog and the Long Awkward Pause magazine. I imagine people sitting around in business suits, opening their LinkedIn feed and seeing my posts about boobs, twinkies, and toilet paper and throwing their phones at the window. I drove by the Chase Bank building in downtown Orlando the other day after publishing and saw a big pile of cell phones lying outside of it and I smiled. I knew I did my job well that day.

FourSquare – Tells people when your not home. Good for members of the Wet Bandit Gang.

GetGlue – Tells people what shows you are watching. People really don’t care what shows I’m watching, I get that. However, you earn virtual stickers for checking into certain shows. The really cool thing is that GetGlue will send you real stickers of your virtual stickers for free! Everyone likes stickers.

Tumblr – If you like animated Gifs and seeing the same funny picture 50 times from 50 different people, then this different take on the blog format is for you. Also, boobs.

Google + – This service was suppose to be the Facebook killer. Well, after killing nothing, it’s now overrun by Google employees and people in various web related industries. If you’re a techie, web designer, or computer programmer, then you will want to hang out here.

Pinterest – It started with the women of the world posting their craft and holiday ideas. Slowly, some of us has been invading it with our dumb pictures and themes. I actually have a big following on here and have declared myself the King of Pinterest.

YouTube – We all know what this is…the cool thing about YouTube is that over the last couple of years they have funded original programming, and a lot of those shows are incredibly good. Three that I like to watch are: TableTop, Why Would You Eat That? and Bored Shorts TV. I also use YouTube to catch up the Jimmy Fallon Show.

There are other sites out there, but who cares?

About…I don’t know…6 or so months ago, along comes Vine for Android. IPhone users had Vine for awhile. If your not familiar, it’s an app where you record 6 second videos that play in a continuous loop.

Side Note: When Vine hit the Android platform the IPhone people were upset. This makes no sense to me, because if you are in to creating something, why wouldn’t want more people to see it? You just doubled your number of followers dumb ass! This was the start of putting a sour taste in my mouth about Vine.

Side Note Two: Vine has a created a new type of porn. The 6 second porn. Make your own obvious jokes here.

Side Note Three: I suck at Vine. I suck at all those other platforms too, but I really, really, really  suck at Vine.

For example, this was one of my first Vines:

And it has all the classics of what most Vines are: something random, some kid, and not very interesting.

Here is another attempt:

A lot of Viners…I don’t know if that is what they call themselves, but I’m calling them that…like to practice the art of misdirection, by filming one thing, then cutting to something random. Here is my attempt:

(If there is no sound, hover over the video with your mouse cursor and click the speaker icon that comes up. Your not missing anything if you can’t get it to work.)

I’m not a good Viner. Most of my vines miss the key action of the scene, like this from Medieval Times:

In this vine, it starts with me missing the start of the competition, thus the guy just sitting on the horse, then cut to me missing the battle, which is why you see the knight getting off the ground, and finally a missed shot of a knight being tossed from his horse.

This one is of a zombies at Universal’s Halloween Horror Nights walking through the bar line. I started the video too early and missed the actual walk through. No second chance with this stuff, which is why I just posted it anyway. It was cool…the part not in the Vine that is…

Here is another zombie where I cut off the Vine just before the attack on some unsuspecting tourist in line:

If you pay close attention, at the end you can see him about to lunge. I missed the lunge. The lunge was the best part.

As of this writing, I only have about 30 Vines. It’s not really something I plan on doing regularly.  Vine already has it’s standout “stars” as it is, one of them being Nicholas Megalis:

Go follow Nick, and in the meantime, I’ll just leave you with my best vine:

Facebook Friday Pt 9

Happy Friday to all of yous with regular jobs:

I thought I would share some posts from some of my friends as well:

~Fin~

My Simplistic Review Of The Smart Watch

Samsung, Sony, and Apple are all in the process of releasing a smart watch, because our sun tanned wrists are just begging for that albino skin patch to reappear when not wearing one.

The watch market has been declining rapidly over the last couple of years with everyone using their cell phones to keep time, as well as display the weather, play games, look at porn, and update Facebook…basically everything a watch can’t do.

The Contenders:

Samsung Galaxy Gear

Sony SmartWatch 2 (I think it’s a bad design for a watch if you have to hold it in your palm…wait…what? Oh, nevermind…that was just for this picture.)

The Apple iWatch  released just minutes before the Apple iWatch 2 and 3 is unveiled.

Let’s take a minute and go down memory lane…remember the calculator watch?

How scientific!

Or the game watch?

If I remember right, it was as big as your head.

Or how about the WTF watch?

The watch for douche bags. You don’t know how to read it, but it gets people to notice you and then ask you how to read it. Which just makes you look at someone else’s watch for the correct time.

From the initial reports the smart watch has to work in conjunction with your phone, so I don’t really see the point. It let’s you know when you missed a phone call from the phone that most likely is in your pocket…ringing…or vibrating…or vibrating and ringing…or has a dead battery…

Changing the face of the watch using a Galaxy Note 3. (My next phone! Want!)

Moving on.

You can do what you might expect it to do, play music, update Facebook/Twitter, check email, view the weather instead of looking out the window…and take pictures. Some of the smart watches allow you to use it as a phone with a blue tooth headset on, and we all know how special the people who use those day in and day out look.

The camera on the Samsung version is in the wrist band so that you can take pictures while looking like a posed Power Ranger without the Power Ranger outfit. Actually I don’t know if you have the outfit on or not. I apologize for assuming the latter.

The watches will range in the $300 range which is a little pricey for a watch unless your a rapper.

I got your SmartWatch bitch! (Why do you suppose this picture is taken in the bathroom?!)

One advantage the traditional watch has over the Smart Watch, the traditional watch battery can last years, whereas the Smart Watch battery is hoping to get 26 hours.

One advantage the Smart Watch has over the traditional watch, technology is cool!

A Lesson In Dutch Pronunciation

My Brother….

Posted this on Facebook…

With this caption….

Ha ha ha! Clever!

Then this happened:

This was just a play on words, right?

A joke you know…

Yes?

Hello?!

Oh really…uh huh…yes…yes…interesting…zzzzzzz…..

This still works, right? Is it still funny?

Huh, Dutch boy?

Oh…good call!

If Blogging Invaded TV Shows

Local newspaper reporter Susie Stackedhouse knows how it feels to be an outcast. “Cursed” with the ability to post three times a day, she starts a blog about vampires and vampire culture. When  vampire/blogger Burt Romperton, a handsome 173-year-old living vamp comes to town, Susie is drawn into a series of journal blogs surrounding Burt’s mysterious penchant for only posting at night. Add in a blogging werewolf, several video blogging fairies, and a Tumblr addict shapeshifter, and Susie’s world will never be the same again.

The Blogging Dead tells the story of the months and years that follow after the internet is destroyed. A group of bloggers, led by a ranter blogger, Dick Grimey, travel in search of a new internet connection. Along the way they encounter dangerous groups of people with no internet…and nothing to do. This new people just stumble aimlessly around, lost and growling, looking for something…The group must survive these internet-less zombies…and each other…

“Blogging Bad” follows protagonist Willy Whipple, a copyright editor who lives in New Mexico with his wife  and teenage son who has dyslexia. Whipple is diagnosed with Stage 12 cancer and given a prognosis of two months left to live. With a new sense of fearlessness based on his medical prognosis, and a desire to secure his family’s financial security, Whipple chooses to enter a dangerous world of blogging with Amazon Advertisers to help pay the bills. The series explores how a copyright editor such as Whipple releases a typical How-To blogger from the daily care free post-whenever-the-wind-blows-world and follows his transformation into corporate spokesperson.

The show revolves around the conflicted world of Dude Dabbler, the biggest blogger in the business, and his co-writers. As Dude makes the decisions on which articles to post, he struggles to stay a step ahead of the rapidly changing social media fickle times and the young bloggers who just want to post boob pictures nipping at his heels.

Summers with kids out of school seem to span decades. Winters can last a lifetime. And the struggle for the Blogging Throne has begun. It will stretch from the south, where budding recipe bloggers think they should publish a cookbook; to the vast and savage eastern lands filled with fashion bloggers; all the way to the frozen north. Sex Bloggers, Ranters, Mommy Bloggers, Travel Bloggers, Reviewers, …all will play the “Game of Blogs.”

For Sammy and Rudolph, the awkwardness of being the new bloggers is made worse by the fact that their dad has taken a job as the High School Journalism teacher. The school is one big culture shock for Sammy, a sweet and friendly blogger with a passion for cutting and pasting google images, and Rudolph, a wiz at blogging lists, and who was adopted by the Wilton family after they took him in as a foster child. Sammy and Rudolph have a close sibling relationship, which they’ll need to help them cope with all the teen bloggers, including Naomi, who doesn’t use her real name on her blog; Erik, a popular video game reviewer; David, an aspiring blog journalist who heads up the school’s stamp collecting club; and Goldy, a rebel who produces and stars in a YouTube-type video series. The Wilton family has just begun to realize how much their lives are about to be published.

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Some Skits Found While Digging In The Garage (Part Three…and final…unless I find more)

Part One is here.

Part Two is here.

Reminders:

Side Note: While reading these, picture them being performed. (Especially this one.) It will be funnier.

Side Note 2: These are old.

Side Note 3: These will be funnier if you’re drunk. Our audience was usually drunk.

Side Note 4: This was my favorite one, and hardest skit to execute.

Skit Number Three:

Way Of The World

Setting: A typical talk show set with six chairs. The Host sits on the far right chair.

Bester: Hello! I’m your host Bester Casterbester, and welcome to another fascinating edition of: Way Of The World. Tonight’s second look into the week long series: “People Who Ask Questions…And The People Who Answer Them” concludes tonight. Let’s meet tonight’s panel starting on my left; Mr Dean Lowe…

Lowe: ( Nods)

Bester: …Mr. Steve Goodnfast…

Goodnfast: (Nods)

Bester: …Mr. Juice Tunney…

Tunney: (Nods)

Bester: …Mr. Ronald Clump…

Clump: (Nods)

Bester: …And in the very last chair, a bowl of Franks-n-Beans. Welcome Gentlemen.

All: Thank you.

Bester: First, Mr. Dean Lowe, a Presidential Adviser, who claims; Ask him any question, and he won’t know the answer. How are you doing tonight, sir?

Lowe: (Pauses, looks confused.) I…I…I don’t know.

Bester: Oh, I get it. I asked you a question, didn’t I?

Lowe: I…I’m not sure.

Bester: (In a half joking manner.) I see. This is going to get us nowhere really fast, isn’t it?

Lowe: I don’t know.

Bester: So let’s meet Mr. Steve Goodnfast, who works in an Information Booth in the mall. He claims to answer questions five minutes after they have been asked.

Goodnfast: Good evening.

Bester: When did you first discover this strange way of answering questions?

Goodnfast: (Sits there and says nothing.)

Bester: Mr. Goodnfast? Mr. Goodnfast? Let me repeat the question. When did you first discover this strange way of answering questions?

Goodnfast: (Sits there and says nothing.)

Bester: Oh yes. We must wait on his answer. I forgot. (turning to Lowe) This is going to be rough, isn’t it?

Lowe: I don’t know.

Goodnfast: Sometime when I was about three, I think.

Bester: What? Oh, oh yes. Mr. Goodnfast has finally answered my previous question from before. Do you find people get easily upset with you, Mr. Goodnfast?

Goodnfast: (Sits there and says nothing.)

Bester: Well, it looks like we have to wait again. Let’s meet Mr. Juice Tunney, a grade school teacher, who answers questions before they are asked, but always gets them wrong. Interesting…let me ask you this…

Tunney: (interrupting) By spanking my bare bottom with ham salad.

Bester: How did your parents try to help you through school? Oh, he has already answered…

Goodnfast: Yes, very easily…for I’m always behind in the conversation.

Bester: I’m sorry Mr. Goodnfast. What did you say?

Goodnfast: (says nothing)

Bester: (Turns to Lowe) What did he say?

Lowe: I don’t know.

Bester: Mr. Tunney, did…

Tunney: He said; ‘Shave off all my chest hair and make meatloaf out of it.

Bester: Never mind. We are almost out of time. Let’s meet our panel member, Mr. Ronald Clump, a psychiatrist from Brooklyn, who answers questions by asking questions. Sorry about all the madness.

Clump: Oh, it’s quite alright.

Bester: Are you sure?

Clump: Are you not?

Bester: Why did you just ask that?

Clump: What are you implying?

Bester: Nothing. I was just…

Goodnfast: I said; Yes, very easily…I’m always behind in the conversations.

Bester: What? Oh, wait! Forget I said that. Mr. Tunney…

Tunney: Stick my fingers up my nose and blow really hard.

Bester: But that doesn’t make asny sense to me asking you, how you survive in the work place. Never mind! (In a half turn to Mr. Lowe) How did I ever get myself into this?

Lowe: I don’t know.

Bester: Shut up! Don’t you know anything?! (jumps up)

Lowe: I…I’m not sure.

Bester: I’m sure we are out of time, and I am almost out of my mind. I’d like to thank each one of the panel members for coming here, and hope…

Tunney: If the plane of penguins arrives without landing on my bellybutton.

Bester: …we can invite them back someday?

Lowe: I don’t know.

Goodnfast: I said, easily I’m always behind in conversations. I’m not repeating it again.

Clump: When?

Bester: When what?

Clump: When do you want me back?

Bester: Why did you ask me that just now?

Clump: What…change your mind?

Bester: Just what is your major malfunction?!

Clump: Tell me what’s really bothering you?

Bester: Be quiet! All of you! I’ve had enough! I’m Bester Casterbester. Join us on Way of the World next week when our panel will consist of: People Who Have No Feet, But Still Insist On Wearing Shoes. Goodnight!

(Bester leaves immediately, and everyone else shuffles out behind him except Goodnfast, who is still sitting down. Clump grabs the bowl of Franks-n-beans and eats them on the way out.)

Goodnfast: I’d love to come back…

(Enter into next skit with Goodnfast still sitting in his seat. Change scene accordingly.)

Breaking Bad, Breaking Balls

Joe is the morning jock on one of the coolest stations in the country, CD102.1 FM. (I think…it used to be 101.1, but something happened. It’s in my hometown in Columbus, Ohio which is why I’m confused, ’cause I currently live in Florida. Anyway, it was one of the first stations to branch outside the mainstream of standard cut and dry rock and roll, and play whatever music they wanted. Enough background.)

Joe is a good guy, and has met more famous people than me*, but he is missing the mark here:

That Tim guy doesn’t watch the show, you can tell by the ignorant comment. Number one rule of social media, never comment on a show you have never watched. You will look stupid every time.

This…

…blows up to this…Oh the irony because Game of Thrones doesn’t take over the internet while it’s on…except for maybe this year because it sucked.

Jeff, you are my favorite person I don’t know on this thread. (Joe, your still my favorite person I do know on this thread.)

I, of course, like someone who has a favorite sports team, have my Facebook timeline decked out for today:

It’s my team’s colors.

The show resumes tonight, so if you need to get catch up:

*Which has nothing to do with this post. Just makes me jealous**.

**I’m hoping to be published again at the end of the year. I’m waiting to hear back from The Zombie Survival Crew.***

***I was supposed to meet Michael Rooker from the first time I was published with ZSC, so hopefully I can remind**** them of that if I’m chosen again for their new publication….’cause I never got to meet him. Maybe I can meet ‘Maggie’ instead…

****Although if I push the issue, they may not accept my submission***** because they may think I’m being a dick.******

*****I have to play it cool because this new publication is outside my comfort zone. So maybe I won’t push the issue until after the book hits the stores.

******I am a dick.

Randoms Pt 17

Celebrities’ Lessor Known Siblings:

Beer Grylls drunken brother of survivalist Bear Grylls

Bahama Cruise newly discovered step sister of Tom Cruise

Nono Moore a reviewer for buffets is also the sister of Demi Moore

—–

I call this next joke: Friendly Hooters…

—–

You be the judge:

—–

Do they still make waterbeds? And 70’s porno soundtracks? Asking for a friend.

—–

Remember, the new Long Awkward Pause topic starts….today! Hint: You may find it yummy, or you may not.

—–

I said a flip flop the flippie the flippie
To the flip flip flop, and you don’t stop

— Flip Flop Rapper’s Delight

—–

“If you were to quote me, a quote of a quote, then I would expect the quoted quote, to be quote worthy.”

—As quoted by: Christopher De Voss

—–

Final Thought:

A lot of people know that milk wasn’t meant to be consumed by humans. But not everyone knows that milk isn’t supposed to be consumed by cows either. In fact, the only animal that is suppose to drink cow’s milk is the jaguar, which is nature’s little joke, since the jaguar will eat the cow if given the chance.