My Interview With A Gross Stunt Taste Testor

Come visit me at Long Awkward Pause as I try maggot cheese…enough said.

Ed Ames unlocks the studio door for me, as I enter the dimly lit corridor.

“Shhhh!” he says.  “Remember, we are not suppose to be here.”

“I know,” I mouth back.

I am at a secret location which is an old  movie and TV set. We continue down the hall until we reach the aging wooden stage. On the stage sits a lone card table with several glass bowls. We head up the three rickety stairs and towards the table. A single light shines down and highlights the bowls.

Ed points to them one by one and tells me whats in them, “Dish one: Balut, which is underdeveloped duck fetus in an egg….Dish two: Beetle larva…and dish three: casu marzu, or maggot cheese.”

“And these are all safe to eat?” I ask a little hesitantly.

Ed smiles, “Yes, of course. That’s my job, to research the most bizarre and grossest…

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On A Side Note: With Author Rodney Lacroix

Join me over at Long Awkward Pause today as I interview or don’t interview Moooooog35 aka Rodney Lacroix. He has a new book and it’s hilarious!

This was supposed to be an interview with author and humorist Rodney Lacroix, but since the man decided to release a book* and get married in the same week, I decided to do him a favor…well, more his for his bride… I decided do the article without him. Rodney agreed to do the interview mind you, but I have learned that women are crazy, especially when they are getting married…or eating, or watching TV, or…even sleeping!

So, you know Rodney…you owe me. I saved your marriage before it even began. I had made plans to fly to New Hampshire and meet Rodney on his home turf. I thought we would conduct the interview in a local Gastropub. I’m not sure what a Gastropub is, but it has the word gas in it, so I thought Rodney might like that. Then I would order us two Kentucky Breakfast Stouts, a local…

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Mike Calahan: International Man of History

Come read about two of the super talented guys I work with at Long Awkward Pause as Chowderhead interviews Mike Calahan, takes sexy pictures of him, and they share a cup of coffee.

These guys always make me try to up my writing game. Great, great, great interview!

Long Awkward Pause – A New Adventure In Blogging

In lieu of reblog Thursday, I have some exciting news.

I’m announcing the birth of a new, exciting, epic, original, ingenious, bold, spicy, operatic, collaborative masterpiece:

Long Awkward Pause!

What is Long Awkward Pause you may ask…and even if you didn’t ask, you may ask after you recover from your excitement over this announcement.

(I will wait until you pick yourself up off the floor, dust your pants off, and compose yourself thus-ly.)

Long Awkward Pause is a humor magazine collaboration between myself, Blurt, B.L.O.G., Monk Monkey, and Ramblings Of An Apathetic Adult Baby. We will take reader submitted topics  and write about them either once or twice a month depending on schedule, earth rotation, Chick-fil-a openings, births, deaths, oil changes, and other such hazards of the blog world.

I’m really excited to work with these guys, and I hope you’ll be just as excited to read our stuff. And if your not excited, at least tell your friends how not excited you are about this site, and how they should check it out for themselves.

You can view  the site, here. Don’t forget to follow, pretty please. Currently the site is just featuring reblogs of us, the actual first post will be on or around Aug. 2nd. It’s a topic submitted by Jo Ellen of Two On A Rant and it’s a tasty one. Feel free to fill out the form on the about page and suggest your own musings.

For everyone who follows, you will receive one free email notification!

Meet Christopher De Voss: Writer for Zombie Survival Crew

Once again it’s Thursday which means it’s a day of reblogging….but is it okay to reblog someone when they are talking about me? Of course it is!

cestlavie22

One thing I absolutely love about blogging is being exposed to new people. In the blogosphere you can meet all types of people who get a chance to do interesting things.

One thing my blogging buds might not know about me is I love Zombies. I am obsessed with the Walking Dead, I have seen most Zombie movies on the shelf and I am pretty sure I am a chick you would want with you if a Zombie Appocalypse hit.

In my blogging travels I ran across one of the writers for the “Zombie Survival Crew” and I just couldn’t pass up the chance to interview him and share with you what he had to say:

Interview with Christopher De Voss:

 

For those who don’t know, what is the general premise of “Zombie Survival Crew?”

 

The ZSC is a web site/club started by Juliette Terzieff. They specialize in…

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Meet Mark Desenti – Zombie Survival Expert

There is a quiet city just north of Orlando called Clermont. It’s a growing community located on the main route 50 highway. It’s got rolling hills, a few car dealerships, a Kmart, and a Target. When the Chipolte restaurant opened up recently, it was a big deal.

Just off Highway 50 is a subdivision about a mile down. It springs up out of nowhere a little after seeing nothing but rolling grass and trees. In this subdivision is an important house. It belongs to Mark DeSenti, a Zombie Survival Expert.

“Zombies? Pfffft!” you scoff.

But ask yourself: If the Center for Disease Control in Atlanta felt the need to write up and publish information on zombies and zombie attacks…are you really willing to discount the fact that it could not happen? Are you willing to risk your life and the lives of your loved ones and pets because you discount it as mere late night movie fodder? Do you want to be caught with your pants down, around your ankles, as several hungry zombies turn you into a seven course intestinal meal?

Of course not!

But where to begin?

That’s where people like Mark can help.

Mark DeSenti, Zombie Survival Expert

Mark recently let me into his zombie room, which is part tribute to the genre, and part survival preparation center. And in the center of his collection, a very real and useful Zombie Survival Kit.

Looks like an ordinary house, but inside that second floor window lies the key to zombie survival.

The purpose of the kit, of course, is to be able to house the essential tools needed to survive an actual zombie attack. The kit also must be portable in case anyone needs to vacate from an oncoming, non-stop, zombie horde.

Mark keeps the key in a secret safe place.

So let’s unlock this and check what’s inside:

First up you should have some tools. A good multi-tool is essential and can be found easily at any Home Depot. Mark acquired this unique portable saw and added it to his personal kit. You may want to include a rubber mallet and nails as well.

Zombie Kit building 101 always includes the machete. Not only is it an invaluable tool for a variety of reasons, it is also a deadly bludging weapon.

And speaking of weapons…pictured here is a Raging Bull .44 Magnum. Big, powerful, responsive.

The actual name of the ammunition that the .44 takes is called Zombie Killers. If that doesn’t tell you this is the right weapon for the job, then nothing will.

Contains of the kit: Portable Saw, Machete, Bowie Knife, Raging Bull .44 Magnum, Cobra 380, Ammunition. Not in the picture: .22 Long Range Rifle, and a Handheld Crossbow.

Now, besides what is in the grab and go box…also on hand:

Water jugs, canned food, a tent, and tarps.

Mark has also devised specific escape plans if needed, sort of like when you had to come up with a fire escape route for your house in grade school. What is really cool is that Mark’s preparedness will come in handy for any type of emergency situation, including Florida’s most common natural enemy, hurricanes.

He is also very astute when it comes to the layout of the area surrounding his house, and has devised several specific and different alternative plans if anything should go wrong.

An example of some good advice from Mark:

“If you can get to a UHaul Storage Place that has trucks. Get one. They are generally full of gas, because people are required to bring them back with a full tank. They have room for everything of course, and they can take a beating.”

So basically if you live in Clermont, Florida and the zombies come, find Mark. Or if you are nowhere near him, instead hire him out to help you put together your own Zombie Survival Kit and devise your best escape routes.

You can contact him here: Markdesenti@cfl.rr.com

My only advice to Mark for the Zombie Survival Kit…add a deck of cards. In the off chance there is any down time at all…not likely…you made need some entertainment.

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A Teenager Interviews Me

Carlos Santiago, age 14, was supposed to interview someone who was influential in the community for school. Well, in true teenage fashion, Carlos dragged his heels and was now desperate. So last minute, guess who comes knocking on my door?

Did you say Carlos?

Because the answer was really obvious if you didn’t.

I told Carlos I’m nobody, and I don’t really do anything for the community. He said that I was being published, so that would be good enough for now and besides his project was due tomorrow.

Fair enough.

I told him the only way I would do it is if I could put it on my blog because I have no good ideas for a post today anyway. He said he didn’t care if I did, he doesn’t read my blog anyway.

Really?

Ok.

Well here it is:

Today we are interviewing Chris De Voss, one of the authors of Zombie Survival Crews up and coming book. Chris, what is the title?

Um, no title or release date announced yet. However, it’s a compilation of stories, art, and poems all with a zombie theme. This is their second book, and I’m excited to be a part of it.

Just stick to answering the question directly please.  I don’t need a sales pitch. It’s not like I’m going to read it. Zombies are stupid. I mean really, really dumb things to write about. Hello? Shot to the head. End of story. What is your favorite movie, and if you say a zombie movie, you’re lame.

Well, guess what you little…um…ok…it’s actually Better Off Dead. It’s a comedy. So there!

Never heard of it.

John Cusack movie from the 80’s. Super funny.

Who is John Cusack? Not that it matters, I’m not going to watch it! Old man movie! It’s like 70 years old.

You’re math is really off and how about we move on to the next question.

What is your favorite book?

World War Z. It is a zombie book, and I don’t care if you think it’s lame. I grew up reading a lot of Stephen King, so I guess I have always liked the horror genre. Hey, Carlos…you know what’s lame? Interviewing someone on all their favorite things. I think you might get a better grade on this if you get a little more in depth or detailed with your questions.

What is your favorite color?

Green. Really?!

You write a blog. I don’t read it. What’s it called?

Well, it was called The Zombie Journals, because it was going to be about zombies. Then I decided to write about whatever, so now it’s not really called anything. Just kind of my blog, I guess. Ha Ha.

That’s stupid. 

I’m sorry. Is there another question? Or are we ending it there?

Yeah, I have to ask more. This isn’t long enough. You’re pretty boring, so I don’t know what to ask.

Well, Carlos…isn’t this suppose to be about someone who helps the community? So why don’t you ask me what I do for the community.

Oh yeah. Thanks. What are some of the things you do for the community?

Nothing.

Hey! That’s not helping! Do you want me to fail?

Carlos, I don’t want you to fail, but you can’t be mean to me either. Usually interviewers don’t insult their interviewees. Except maybe David Letterman.

Oh. Yeah. Sorry. I guess I was a little hard on you.

So ask me something else. Make it good. Get an A on this assignment.

Soooooo…when you write your blog…well it’s pretty dumb. Do you smoke a lot of weed before you write something? It seems like you do.

No….

Get Drunk?

No!

Do you have a mental plate in your head?

No! I thought you said you don’t read it.

Well, sometimes if there is nothing on TV…

Do you have any real questions? Because I have lost interest in helping you.

What is your favorite color?

Good luck on your grade Carlos. Goodbye.

 

The Last Of The Jonathon “Jasper” Johns Guest Posts

For Jonathon “Jasper” Johns last guest post, I let him interview me.

The Interview

by Jonathon “Jasper” Johns

Jasper: Hello, today I’m going to interview Christopher De Voss on my blog, mostly because all the real celebrities were busy. So I settled for this Z-lister.

Chris: Um, it’s actually my blog, and thank you…I think.

Jasper: I must compliment you are your choice of guest writers, which would be me. Aren’t you happy you begged me to do it?

Chris: Actually you begged me to do it.

Jasper: How do like all the new followers?

Chris: Um, I lost 32 followers truth be told.

Jasper: And your stats went through the roof!

Chris: Well, not quite.

Jasper: Huh? I don’t think so.

Chris: Well, as of this morning my WordPress stats are down 40%, my Klout score is down to 21, and my Empire Avenue stock is -2.

Jasper: Which one of my posts do you think was the most genius?

Chris: To be honest I really liked the Fishing Story. It was open and honest and funny. It showed a unique side of you.

Jasper: No. That was a throw away. It was stupid. I think my post were I insult you was brilliant. I think it got the most views as well.

Chris: Yeah, yeah. It was great. I’ve heard them all before from you. It actually got the least number of views of all your posts.

Jasper: Are you looking at the same stats that I’m looking at?

Chris: Probably not. So, I know you had problems coming up with ideas. I bet you have a little more respect for the craft now.

Jasper: I found it quite easy.

Chris: Baylee-Ann said you didn’t sleep the whole week, and that you mostly sat in front of the computer and wept.

Jasper: I was…um…looking at a very sad website. It was about your blog.

Chris: Yup. I kind of expected you to say that. So, are you going to start your own blog?

Jasper: No, no. The Freezy Pleasy* takes too much of my time. I had to close it in order to cover your ass. So are you going to start your own blog? Because your current blog sucks. Except for this week. This week it was awesome.

Chris: Was that suppose to clever…or make sense?

Jasper: And that was my interview with Christopher De Voss. While he falls into internet obscurity, please visit The Freezy Pleasy for some great specials located in the heart of Kissimmee, Florida. Mention the code words: “Jasper for blog master!” and receive 5% off your purchase total.

*The Freezy Pleasy is the store that Jasper runs. They sell freeze dried foods.

Jonathon “Jasper” Johns Vs. Zombie On The Ferris Wheel

If you are unfamiliar with Jonathon “Jasper” Johns, he is a neighbor of mine, a zombie fanatic, and hates my blog. He lets me know that he hates my blog quite frequently.

You can catch some of his comments here:

Jonathon “Jasper” Johns Simplistic Review Of Zombie Swag

Johnathon “Jasper” Johns Guest Writes

Interview With Jonathon “Jasper” Johns

Well Jonathon hasn’t made an appearance in a while…until this Saturday. He knocked on my door and is accompanied by his lovely wife, and former 1959-1963 Playboy Bunny at the Playboy Club in Chicago, Baylee-Ann.

Me: Jasper, Baylee-Ann, what can I do for you?

Jasper: Chris, this is my wife, Baylee-Ann.

(Note: Jasper introduces me to his wife every time I have ever come in contact with both of them together.)

Me: Yes, Jasper. I know Baylee-Ann. We have met numerous times.

Baylee-Ann: Hi, Chris.

Jasper: Right, right.

(Silence)

Me: So, Jasper, which story did you not like this time?

Jasper: How did you know?

Me: Call it intuition. Let me guess…all of them.

Jasper: How did you know?

Baylee-Ann: Hi, Chris.

Me: Hi, Baylee-Ann.

Jasper: There is one in particular though, that really…really…I just can’t seem to wrap my noggin’ around it.

(Silence)

Me: Which one is it Jasper?

Jasper: Well…the one about the zombie and the Ferris Wheel…what’s it called? Zombie Goes Round And Round The Ferris Wheel?

Me: Something like that. (He is referring to this story: Zombie On The Ferris Wheel.) What’s wrong?

Jasper: Well, I got some questions.

Me: Go ahead.

Jasper: Ok….how did the zombie and the guy get on the Ferris Wheel?

Me: I don’t know.

Jasper: What do you mean you don’t know?

Me: I don’t know. That’s kind of the point. It gives it some mystery to the story. Your not suppose to know.

Baylee-Ann: Hi, Chris.

Jasper: But why would anyone put someone on a Ferris Wheel with a Zombie and chain them together? It doesn’t make any sense!

Me: I don’t know. Maybe the guy owed money to someone. Maybe he borrowed money from the mob, and this is the new way the mob deals with people who don’t pay them back…instead of a horse’s head in the bed, they put you on a Ferris Wheel with a Zombie!

Jasper: Horse’s head in the bed?

Me: Never mind that. Any other questions?

Jasper: Yes! Why doesn’t the man on the Ferris Wheel have a name?

Me: I don’t know. Doesn’t seem like he really needs a name. It’s just a short story.

Jasper: He needs a name. I’ve been thinking of names. I want you to name him: Ricky Dale.

Me: OK. His name is Ricky Dale.

Jasper: And I want you to go back and rewrite the story with the name, Ricky Dale in it. And I want you to give me a co-author title.

Baylee-Ann: Hi, Chris.

Me: Hi Baylee! How many times are you going to say Hi to me?

(Baylee-Ann shrugs.)

Me: Jasper, I’m not rewriting the story. And I’m not giving you a co-author credit.

Jasper: What? Didn’t we just agree the man’s name was Ricky Dale?

Me: Yes, I guess. More so just to please you, so I can get back to my life.

Jasper: So, the guy didn’t even have a name! Now he has a name! The story wasn’t complete until I just helped you name the guy! It’s so much better now. The story sucked until I named the guy.

Me: Did you really just say that to me?

Jasper: Chris, you can’t write Zombie stories. I’ve told you this…I have Facebooked you this….I have tweeted you this…I even wrote it on the back of your car in soap. Next time you write a Zombie story, call me first..please…so it doesn’t suck so bad.

Me: Are you done?

Jasper: Am I getting my byline?

Me: No, and your wife is too old to be out in public without a bra.

Baylee-Ann: Oh, thank you, Chris.

Me: Your welcome, Baylee-Ann. Bye Jasper.

Jasper: (Angry) Come on Baylee-Ann. Let’s go home and delete our WordPress bookmark!