Breaking Bad As Written By Edgar Allen Poe

Once upon a Sunday night, while I pondered channel surfing,
Over football, reruns, and 60 Minutes, Oh bore
In my seat, I nodded, nearly pondered a Tosh repeat
What was the answer, but a teacher dying of cancer
‘Tis can’t be entertaining,’ I muttered, ‘I will watch this one episode and nothing more.’

Ah, distinctly I was engrossed, this coward teacher host,
And his brother-in-law the DEA jerk
Whom he rode along on the meth bust, an undiscovered perk
Which sparked the idea for an empire desire
The angels name Jessie to help
Heisenberg here for evermore

At first the RV housed the cook
Tighty-whitey in the dessert, was the hook
It’s the purest of the pure, moving one rock at a time
Was not enough to pay the tough bill that the doctor’s inflict
On Heisenberg and nothing more

A finger lickin’ chicken came a knockin’
Knockin’ knockin on He Who Knocks Door
The money was flowing, as the meth was growing
Blue was the signature hue, that built the family vault
But only Flynn knew not the truth, his cereal spoon of youth
And Gus was in charge evermore

Until one fateful day, Gus was blown away
And Walt and Jessie fought, retiring to the car wash that he bought
Soon Mike was led astray, his men would get no pay
Cold, cold Todd would appear, and shoot a kid, oh dear
Causing Heisenberg to retire and nothing more

Complications would arise, much to everyone’s surprise
As Hank would die that day, and Walt would run away
Saul could not help, for his own spinoff show had been dealt
Jessie is captured and put in the ground to stay
While Todd looks like Matt Damon, evermore

Heinsberg doth Skyinsberg berate, what will be now be his fate
The show will come to a close, with Jessie and his broken nose
A Machine Gun and Ricin are the clue, graffiti on the wall in blue
All five seasons I did adore, although it probably could have ended in four

As I fear Heinsberg will be nevermore

Damn you Raven!

The Finals Of The World Championship Uno Competition

Welcome to the World Championship Uno competition brought to you by CardTV.  I’m your host Philip McCray.

In this, the final round, our players will be Jonathon Applebottom in the west position, Nancy Ficklestein in the East position, George “The Butcher” Butcher in the North position, and Gary, an Orange about to turn bad in the South position. (Playing as the orange’s hands will be Uno Grand Judge, Albert Unomasterson.)

It’s been a long…tedious…some what boring to watch and moderate competition to far.

Alright, the cards have been dealt, and a yellow number 5 has been revealed to start the round. Play begins with “The Butcher”, he looks at his hand in total concentration…after many minutes of senseless debate he plays a yellow 8. The crowd claps.

Now going clockwise to Nancy Ficklestein…she immediately lays down a Draw 2. The crowd gasps. What an bold opening  move! Albert draws two cards from the top of the deck for Gary the Orange. Gary the Orange doesn’t look happy and shoots Nancy a nasty navel look! Folks, this is going to get heated.

Play resumes with Applebottom. Applebottom is a four time World Champion Skip-Bo player, and has recently decided to try his hand at Uno. Smart call as he has made it to the final table in his very first tournament. Applebottom draws a card, a lackluster first move. The crowd sighs.

As the players take a quick over-priced bottled water break, I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to our network president Brandon Smelker for sleeping with his one and only daughter…and then cheating on her with the Head of Programming’s favorite niece…oh….and then cheating on them both with three drag queens from Newark…

If any or preferably all of them could find it in their hearts to forgive me, and possibly give me back my old assignment at the World Series Of Poker Championships, I would be up most grateful and promise to keep Mr. Happy in my pants where he belongs.

I was dumb. I was stupid. And it will never happen again. I can’t take this Uno tournament anymore! It has been the worst, most boring, 112 hours of my life! Give me back my Poker Championships…please!

Wait, I have just been handed an important update…well, I guess it is more like a promo announcement…Ladies and Gentlemen join me next week for the World Series of Cribbage…90 and up Seniors division….next Friday night…4:30 pm early….before the buffet opens…applesauce night…

Damn….sigh.

Ok, now play resumes with “The Butcher” playing a Wild Draw 4 Card….

The Picnic Lovers Association Tennessee Edition

Hi There! This is Tom from The Picnic Lovers Association Tennessee Edition or P.L.A.T.E. for short.

We would just like you folks to know that P.L.A.T.E. is making picnicking cool again! Over the years the number of picnicking families has drastically dropped. This maybe due to the popularity of video games, bad iPhone navigation applications, the economy, the rise in bear attacks…who knows for sure?

We don’t.

Random Fun Fact: Did you know bears love Mentos?

P.L.A.T.E. is starting a new campaign to get you and your family outdoors again. Let’s go picnicking!

For starters, do you remember the David Lee Roth song, “Just like Paradise?”

The lyrics went, “This must be just like living in paradise, and I don’t want to go home.”

With our new campaign we will be using this song but changing the words to: “This must be just like picnicking in paradise Please pass the potato salad.”

Also, we have printed a whole new slew of fun, friendly, and free literature. Pick up such informative brochures as:

• Picnic In The Arctic
• Don’t Be Bullied By Bears!
• One Hundred And One Ways To Picnic Safely While Surrounded By Bears
• Can I Drink The Lukewarm Milk?
• Picnicking…It’s Like Playing An HD 3D Video Game
• Bears Love Picnicking Families And Bears Love You
• You Want Me To Pee Where?
• What To Do When A Bear Rips Your Arm Off
• David Lee Roth’s Guide To A Safe And Fun Picnic Experience
• David Lee Roth’s Guide To Petting A Bear Plus Bonus How To Jump Kick DVD

Random Fun Fact: If a bear tears your arm off, you have 12 minutes to get to the hospital in order to get it reattached successfully.

And we also have some beautifully printed on 35% recycled paper,  brochures on Barbecuing:

• David Lee Roth’s Guide To Dancing With A Microphone And Barbecuing
• How Long Can The Chicken Leg Sit On The Ground And I Still Eat It?
• How To Make Your Bratty Kids Eat Stuff With Grill Marks On It
• How To Make Barbecue Sauces Bears Hate
• Beat Your Meat – How To Flatten Meat For Barbecuing
• Dear God, Do They Barbecue In China?
• How To Get Barbecue Stains Out Of A Pissed Off Bear’s Fur

We also have some great suggestions for family activities:

• Frisbee Golf
• Frisbee Bowling
• Frisbee Badminton
• Throw A Football Around
• Fish The Football Out Of The Lake Because Uncle Tom Sucks At Throwing A Football
• Exploring The Woods
• Running Through The Woods
• Running Through The Woods Because A Bear Is Chasing You
• Bear Hunting
• Bird Watching
• Here, Eat This Weird Wild Berry And See If It Kills You Roulette
• Identify Wild Animal Droppings
• Butterfly Collecting
• Jump In A Pile Of Poison Ivy
• Chase The Squirrel
• Why Does Uncle Ed Want Us To Call Him The Squirrel?

So come on America! Join P.L.A.T.E and celebrate with your family the joys of picnicking in the great outdoors!

Random Fun Fact: Did you know Dentists hate bears?

I’m Ted and I’ll be there, picnicking!

Hope to see you and your family there as well!

(I’ll be the one in the too tight shorts, so you can kind of make out my package, but not quite.)

Dinner With The Angry Family

YOU BURNT THE ROAST AGAIN! THIS IS THE SIMPLEST DISH IN THE WORLD TO MAKE…THROW IT IN THE CROCK POT, PRESS A BUTTON, AND YOUR DONE! HOW DO YOU MANAGE TO BURN IT EVERY TIME?!

IF YOUR SUCH A MASTER CHEF, MR. BALD-GORDON-RAMSEY, THEN YOU COOK DINNER!

I WOULD STILL HAVE MY HAIR IF I WASN’T MARRIED TO YOU!

CAN’T WE, FOR ONCE, HAVE A PLEASANT MEAL WITHOUT ALL THE FIGHTING?!

I JUST WANT TO EAT MY PEAS IN PEACE!

CAN SOMEONE FEED THE BABY, PLEASE?!

WHY ARE YOU PEOPLE SO SELFISH?! MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DUMPED ME AND YOU PEOPLE CARE ABOUT IS SOME CHEAP BURNT MEAT?!

DID YOU SAY YOUR GIRLFRIEND DUMPED YOU?! ARE YOU SAYING YOU’RE A LESBIAN?!

DON’T YOU DARE SAY THAT MEAT IS CHEAP! 

ARE YOU LISTENING?! OUR DAUGHTER IS A LESBIAN!

WHY DON’T YOU REALIZE HOW HOT THAT IS DAD?!

WHY CAN’T YOU PEOPLE EXCEPT ME FOR WHO I AM?!

CAN SOMEONE FEED THE BABY, PLEASE?!

WOOF!

MEOW!

If one of you don’t mind…can somebody change my litter please? It’s been like four months…

I’M GOING TO EAT THE HAMSTER IF SOMEONE DOESN’T FEED ME SOON!

*gulp*

And scene.