Tag Archives: internet

Now Find Me…

13 Jan

Hello…and welcome.

I’m glad you found me.

However this is my old blog. It has a lot of short stories, funny musings, and other ramblings. Feel free to explore…

There will be no new updates on this site.

But…

When you are done, head over to Long Awkward Pause to find me in my new home!

It’s a really funny magazine staffed by myself and many talented writers, podcasters, and YouTubers.

The Most Outlandish Tale About Anxiety and Depression Ever Told

11 Apr

Wait wait, the story doesn’t start here!  This is a blog hop, people!  Click HERE to start from the beginning.

—–

The taller of the two figures looks straight at me and says,

“Is there something I can help you with?!”

He seems a little annoyed. I try to play it light,

“Um, your extension cord is showing…hee, hee…”

The shorter one frantically begins looking over the bundle. The droplets of sweat that have accumulated on his forehead spill to the ground in a salty typhoon for any passing by ants to enjoy. He spies the extension cord and reaches for it with one hand.

“No! Stop! We are dropping it!” the Tall one grits through his teeth.

The bundle starts to shift in their arms. Both men grasp for purchase, but gravity reaches up and yanks the package hard from their limbs. It hits the ground like a 300 pound professional wrestler hitting the mat in an over exaggerated, yet somewhat aerodynamic, death fall.

The metallic thunk reverberates off the pavement and bounces off the apartment walls.

The tall one hisses, “Jesus, we are going to wake up every make-up wielding dateless chick in the neighborhood!”

“Hey!” I said indigently. “Do not, and I mean, DO NOT call me a dateless chick! I am a dateless woman!”

“Sorry,” the Tall one replies.

Suddenly all eyes look at the plastic bag lying on the ground, which is now tiger stripped shredded from the contents within. What looks like a rather large lava lamp wearing a Christmas turtleneck is revealed. It also has two big hubcap wheels on the bottom of it, and two antenna sticking out of the top of it. The largest extension cord ever protrudes from a small compartment on it’s…butt? Duct tape is randomly stuck to it here and there.

“Poop on a stick, she has seen it!” hisses the Smaller one.

“Well, you know what we have to do now…” Tall replies with a rather wicked grin on his face.

—-

Click HERE to continue the story.

 

The Other Me Is A Fashion Designer

30 Dec

When you are trying to take over the internet, it’s not narcissistic to use Google Alerts.

It’s not.

Ok, it is a little…but it’s a great tool to find out where you land in the search engines, if anyone is interested in the product you’re putting out, and helps to capture who your audience is outside of the WordPress community.

I use Google Alerts to track this nonsense, as well as (and more importantly) my sister project: Long Awkward Pause.

If you are not familiar with Google Alerts, it emails you when certain words that you ask it to track are typed into the Google search engine. The other day, this pops into my email:

googlealert

There are a couple of things that make this even more funny and coincidental then it already is…probably only to me…but I’m going to share anyway:

– There are a lot of people with the last name of DeVos, with the one ‘S’, not a lot with the two ‘SS’ ‘s, (that’s a lot of processor apostrophes) like mine. So the fact that there is another name exactly like mine is incredible. It would be like if there where two people named Hippo Bandersnatch in the world.

– If you go to Long Awkward Pause and look at the writers list, you will notice my brother, Jack, is also on the staff. If you really pay attention, you will notice he is billed as Jack DeVoss, while I’m billed as Christopher De Voss. (With a space between the De and the Voss) There is no space in Jack’s last name. That’s because he spells it correctly, and I do not. Why have I chosen to add a space? When I was younger, and trying to be a famous actor, I thought it looked cool. That’s all, just the coolness factor. (which there is none…(and I’m not famous, but kind of stuck with it now. (this is just to add another parenthese)))

– Target is my favorite store.

Now going back to the article that the Google Alert, altered me to; this I think, is supposed to be a picture of the Target fashion designers: Peter Pilotto and Christopher De Voss:

The article didn't credit who was who...

The article didn’t credit who is who…

One looks like a shorter version of the lead singer of Coldplay and the other looks like any lead German-born bad guy in an action movie such as Die Hard. (Die Hard 12, Die Hard With A Fashion!)

Here are some examples of their die hard fashion designs:

It all looks like something Sally would wear from Nightmare Before Christmas.

It all looks like something Sally from Nightmare Before Christmas would wear.

In case you are not familiar with the reference:

sally

Sally

I think if any of my friends would say that if I designed fashion for women, it would look something like this:

Not true!

Not true!

I would actually design something more in the lines of this:

Sofia-Vergara-Cleavage-At-CFDA-Fashion-Awards-Red-Carpet-PHOTOS1-550x482

Although, I would probably sneak something like this into my fashion line:

41gzjU4FzPL._SS500_

I will use this same name thing to try to score free clothes from Target:

“You don’t know who I am?! I designed this plaid button down shirt! I’m fashion designer, Christopher De Voss! Now put these clothes I have in my basket here on Target’s tab! I’m headed to the food court!”

On A Side Note: With Author Rodney Lacroix

22 Nov

Join me over at Long Awkward Pause today as I interview or don’t interview Moooooog35 aka Rodney Lacroix. He has a new book and it’s hilarious!

issue banner

This was supposed to be an interview with author and humorist Rodney Lacroix, but since the man decided to release a book* and get married in the same week, I decided to do him a favor…well, more his for his bride… I decided do the article without him. Rodney agreed to do the interview mind you, but I have learned that women are crazy, especially when they are getting married…or eating, or watching TV, or…even sleeping!

So, you know Rodney…you owe me. I saved your marriage before it even began. I had made plans to fly to New Hampshire and meet Rodney on his home turf. I thought we would conduct the interview in a local Gastropub. I’m not sure what a Gastropub is, but it has the word gas in it, so I thought Rodney might like that. Then I would order us two Kentucky Breakfast Stouts, a local…

View original post 1,059 more words

Jack Is Better At This Vine Thing Than Me

22 Sep

No secret, I’m a big fan of Social Media. I usually try the latest and greatest, but mostly stick to the big three…at least for me…Twitter, Facebook, and WordPress.

Here is my quick take on some of them:

Twitter – The best one out there, by far, hands down. If you don’t have a Twitter, get one. If you don’t understand it, learn. One of the greatest things about it, is it’s list feature. You can create a news list, comedy list, sports list, etc.  Then you have little pockets of news and entertainment. However, sometimes the 140 character limit gets annoying because I can be wordy.

Facebook – Good for those posts that you just can’t get down to 140 characters no matter how hard you try.  Also apparently good for baby pictures, car pictures, and cryptic sad posts.

WordPress – A community. Enough said. Love.

Instagram – If you like pictures of other people’s food, then this is the place for you.

LinkedIn – Seems to be a network for people in business. The only thing I use it for is to promote this blog and the Long Awkward Pause magazine. I imagine people sitting around in business suits, opening their LinkedIn feed and seeing my posts about boobs, twinkies, and toilet paper and throwing their phones at the window. I drove by the Chase Bank building in downtown Orlando the other day after publishing and saw a big pile of cell phones lying outside of it and I smiled. I knew I did my job well that day.

FourSquare – Tells people when your not home. Good for members of the Wet Bandit Gang.

GetGlue – Tells people what shows you are watching. People really don’t care what shows I’m watching, I get that. However, you earn virtual stickers for checking into certain shows. The really cool thing is that GetGlue will send you real stickers of your virtual stickers for free! Everyone likes stickers.

Tumblr – If you like animated Gifs and seeing the same funny picture 50 times from 50 different people, then this different take on the blog format is for you. Also, boobs.

Google + – This service was suppose to be the Facebook killer. Well, after killing nothing, it’s now overrun by Google employees and people in various web related industries. If you’re a techie, web designer, or computer programmer, then you will want to hang out here.

Pinterest – It started with the women of the world posting their craft and holiday ideas. Slowly, some of us has been invading it with our dumb pictures and themes. I actually have a big following on here and have declared myself the King of Pinterest.

YouTube – We all know what this is…the cool thing about YouTube is that over the last couple of years they have funded original programming, and a lot of those shows are incredibly good. Three that I like to watch are: TableTop, Why Would You Eat That? and Bored Shorts TV. I also use YouTube to catch up the Jimmy Fallon Show.

There are other sites out there, but who cares?

About…I don’t know…6 or so months ago, along comes Vine for Android. IPhone users had Vine for awhile. If your not familiar, it’s an app where you record 6 second videos that play in a continuous loop.

Side Note: When Vine hit the Android platform the IPhone people were upset. This makes no sense to me, because if you are in to creating something, why wouldn’t want more people to see it? You just doubled your number of followers dumb ass! This was the start of putting a sour taste in my mouth about Vine.

Side Note Two: Vine has a created a new type of porn. The 6 second porn. Make your own obvious jokes here.

Side Note Three: I suck at Vine. I suck at all those other platforms too, but I really, really, really  suck at Vine.

For example, this was one of my first Vines:

And it has all the classics of what most Vines are: something random, some kid, and not very interesting.

Here is another attempt:

A lot of Viners…I don’t know if that is what they call themselves, but I’m calling them that…like to practice the art of misdirection, by filming one thing, then cutting to something random. Here is my attempt:

(If there is no sound, hover over the video with your mouse cursor and click the speaker icon that comes up. Your not missing anything if you can’t get it to work.)

I’m not a good Viner. Most of my vines miss the key action of the scene, like this from Medieval Times:

In this vine, it starts with me missing the start of the competition, thus the guy just sitting on the horse, then cut to me missing the battle, which is why you see the knight getting off the ground, and finally a missed shot of a knight being tossed from his horse.

This one is of a zombies at Universal’s Halloween Horror Nights walking through the bar line. I started the video too early and missed the actual walk through. No second chance with this stuff, which is why I just posted it anyway. It was cool…the part not in the Vine that is…

Here is another zombie where I cut off the Vine just before the attack on some unsuspecting tourist in line:

If you pay close attention, at the end you can see him about to lunge. I missed the lunge. The lunge was the best part.

As of this writing, I only have about 30 Vines. It’s not really something I plan on doing regularly.  Vine already has it’s standout “stars” as it is, one of them being Nicholas Megalis:

Go follow Nick, and in the meantime, I’ll just leave you with my best vine:

Facebook Friday Pt 9

20 Sep

Happy Friday to all of yous with regular jobs:

fbfridaysept17a

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I thought I would share some posts from some of my friends as well:

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~Fin~

A Lesson In Dutch Pronunciation

12 Sep
brother

My Brother….

Posted this on Facebook...

Posted this on Facebook…

With this caption....

With this caption….

Ha ha ha! Clever!

Then this happened:

This was just a play on words right? A joke? Yes?Hello?

This was just a play on words, right?

A joke you know…

Yes?

Hello?!

Oh really...uh huh...yes...yes...interesting...

Oh really…uh huh…yes…yes…interesting…zzzzzzz…..

This still works, right? Is it still funny? Huh, Dutchboy?

This still works, right? Is it still funny?

Huh, Dutch boy?

Oh...good call!

Oh…good call!

The Trouble With Having A Land Line

9 Sep

The trouble with having a land line house phone is that no one calls you on it except solicitors, telemarketers, and debit collectors. It came with the cable bundle or else we would not have it. Like most modern families, everyone has there own cell phone.

Here are some examples of the conversations that take place on the house phone:

Ring, Ring

Me: Hello?

Them: Hello? Are you the head of the house?

Me: Occasionally.

Them: Huh? Never mind. Anyway our company will be in your area and will be offering a special discount for a limited time. We are the Hobo Moving Company and we can move anything that you could fit into a handkerchief on a stick…

Click

—–

Ring, Ring

Me: Hola!

Them: Mr. De Voss? Hello! Your last name doesn’t sound Spanish!

Me: It’s not. Who is this?

Them: This is Fred from the National Eczema Rebounders Democratic Society, or N.E.R.D.S if it’s easier for you. We have you as a registered Democrat, is that correct?

Me: Yes, sort of. I’m really an Independent, but Florida makes you choose one of the big two. What is this about?

Them: Well, sir we are an organization looking to raise money in order to put James Ripkin on the Presidential ticket for 2016. If all goes well, he would be the first President to have eczema in the White House, something that has been sorely lacking in the governmental system…

Click

—–

Ring, Ring

Me: Speaking

Them: Please stay on the line for a limited time special offer. Introducing the Smart Burrito! You can take pictures, make calls, check your email, update your calendar, then just add guacamole and sour cream and you can eat it too.

Click

—–

Ring, Ring

Me: De Voss residence.

Them: This is John from The Balsa Wood Furniture Company. Your order is ready to be picked up.

Me: Excuse me?

Them: Your Balsa Wood Couch and Loveseat is ready to be picked up, sir.

Me: I didn’t order any Balsa Wood furniture, nor would I ever.

Them: You don’t have to be rude. Just so you know our furniture is hand crafted with the finest Slot A to Slot B technology!  It’s light as a feather too. You can rearrange your living room with only one hand if you want, plus if it ever breaks, each piece of furniture comes with a free bottle of Elmer’s Glue…

Click

—–

Ring, Ring

Me: Hello, Hello

Them: You have been selected to win a free $5oo Dollar Tree Gift Card. Please press 1 if you speak French, press 2 if you speak Spanish, press 3 if you speak German, press 4 if you speak Russian, press 5 if you speak Mandarin, press 6 if you speak Pig Latin, press 7 if you speak  Creole, press 8 seven times if you speak the African Clicking Language, press 9  if you speak Binary, press the Pound Sign if you….

Click

—–

Ring, Ring

Me: Hello

Them: *Heavy Breathing*

Me: What is this, 1975? Why don’t you post pictures of your junk on the internet like all the other sickos?!

Them: *Heavy breathing suddenly stops* Um, I don’t know how to upload the pictures from my phone, you insensitive prick!

Click

Telephone

If Blogging Invaded TV Shows

29 Aug

If Blogging Invaded TV Shows:

trueblog

Local newspaper reporter Susie Stackedhouse knows how it feels to be an outcast. “Cursed” with the ability to post three times a day, she starts a blog about vampires and vampire culture. When  vampire/blogger Burt Romperton, a handsome 173-year-old living vamp comes to town, Susie is drawn into a series of journal blogs surrounding Burt’s mysterious penchant for only posting at night. Add in a blogging werewolf, several video blogging fairies, and a Tumblr addict shapeshifter, and Susie’s world will never be the same again.

bloggingdead

The Blogging Dead tells the story of the months and years that follow after the internet is destroyed. A group of bloggers, led by a ranter blogger, Dick Grimey, travel in search of a new internet connection. Along the way they encounter dangerous groups of people with no internet…and nothing to do. This new people just stumble aimlessly around, lost and growling, looking for something…The group must survive these internet-less zombies…and each other…

bloggingbad

“Blogging Bad” follows protagonist Willy Whipple, a copyright editor who lives in New Mexico with his wife  and teenage son who has dyslexia. Whipple is diagnosed with Stage 12 cancer and given a prognosis of two months left to live. With a new sense of fearlessness based on his medical prognosis, and a desire to secure his family’s financial security, Whipple chooses to enter a dangerous world of blogging with Amazon Advertisers to help pay the bills. The series explores how a copyright editor such as Whipple releases a typical How-To blogger from the daily care free post-whenever-the-wind-blows-world and follows his transformation into corporate spokesperson.

blogmen

The show revolves around the conflicted world of Dude Dabbler, the biggest blogger in the business, and his co-writers. As Dude makes the decisions on which articles to post, he struggles to stay a step ahead of the rapidly changing social media fickle times and the young bloggers who just want to post boob pictures nipping at his heels.

gamesofblogs

Summers with kids out of school seem to span decades. Winters can last a lifetime. And the struggle for the Blogging Throne has begun. It will stretch from the south, where budding recipe bloggers think they should publish a cookbook; to the vast and savage eastern lands filled with fashion bloggers; all the way to the frozen north. Sex Bloggers, Ranters, Mommy Bloggers, Travel Bloggers, Reviewers, …all will play the “Game of Blogs.”

90120

For Sammy and Rudolph, the awkwardness of being the new bloggers is made worse by the fact that their dad has taken a job as the High School Journalism teacher. The school is one big culture shock for Sammy, a sweet and friendly blogger with a passion for cutting and pasting google images, and Rudolph, a wiz at blogging lists, and who was adopted by the Wilton family after they took him in as a foster child. Sammy and Rudolph have a close sibling relationship, which they’ll need to help them cope with all the teen bloggers, including Naomi, who doesn’t use her real name on her blog; Erik, a popular video game reviewer; David, an aspiring blog journalist who heads up the school’s stamp collecting club; and Goldy, a rebel who produces and stars in a YouTube-type video series. The Wilton family has just begun to realize how much their lives are about to be published.

Heads Will Roll

26 Aug

Warning: some Zombie fiction. I haven’t written one in awhile….

The severed head bounced down the stairs hitting each one with the thud of a sick bowling ball.

It looked like a rather macabre slinky coming down, just with not much slink.

Jason was used to such horrors…now at least. It was way better than the alternative upstairs. The alternative being a small and hungry horde of the undead.

Jason had the less risky job of collecting the fallen zombie heads and putting them into a big metal trash can. It was still dangerous though. He could still get bit.

He had joined the Zombie Elimination Task Force when his brother John joined. It was partly for something to do, and partly because his brother was the “Do-No-Wrong” member of the family. Everyone loved John, and everyone sort of tolerated Jason. At least that is how Jason felt. So he decided to do whatever John did to win over the rest of the family. Jason had not counted on John joining the Task Force.

At the Task Force initiation, John was picked for Zombie Hunter…of course, while Jason was picked for Clean Up Crew…of course.

Jason had one trash can full already. After the house was cleared, the heads would be burned and buried…what the Zombie Elimination Task Force called a B & B. Another team collected Jason’s trash cans from him and would prep the heads for the B & B.

Jason wore an old Umpire’s chest protector and big thick gloves. Sometimes the heads still would have some bite. The Zombie Hunter’s main concern was to thin the number of zombies by loping off their heads first, thus stopping the body from attacking. The body would generally just drop to the floor and twitch and spasm for a while…kind of like when you cut a worm in half…only worms of course, didn’t have arms and legs…or bleed. The Clean Up Crew would scoop the heads up, carefully as to not get bitten, and put them in the big metal trash cans. Later the heads would be examined and identified as best as possible. Most were never identified. Then a little B & B action would take place. Plots of land had been set aside for the burial grounds. Each head plot was marked with the number of craniums, today’s date, and the familiar bio-hazard symbol. The head fields had become quite the tourist attraction, enough so it now costs $2 to walk them.

Thud…Thud…Thud…Thud…Thud….

Another head came bouncing down the stairs. When it reached the bottom, its face was against the floor…which was perfect. You want the teeth away from you. What wasn’t perfect was the fact that this was a bald man. It’s much easier to grab the head by the hair and scoop it into the trash can in one quick step. Being this undead was bald, Jason would have to find the best place to lift the head without getting near its still active mouth. To make matters much worse, the head was covered in goo and blood. It was going to be a slippery beast for sure.  Jason tried to palm it like a basketball at first, but the human head is a lot heavier than one would think.

Especially a dead one.

So, Jason had no choice but to rest one hand on the top of the goop covered chrome dome and the other hand in its neck hole. Jason hated touching the neck hole. It felt weird, and more importantly it still felt somewhat alive. But this really was his only option.

As Jason picked up the head he could see it was still very active. The teeth were gnashing together. The sound was horrible. He could hear the sliding and scraping of enamel on enamel. The head twitch way too much.

This head was way too alive.

Ha ha…alive…

The goop didn’t help either.

Suddenly another head bounced down the stairs catching Jason off guard. His fingers sunk into the meaty neck hole, spraying a small gush of blood. Jason let out a cry of disgust as the hand resting on the man’s bald scalp slipped. Now the whole head was falling out of his hands. Jason adjusted himself as the head made it’s decent towards the floor.  Almost out of instinct from his days as a wide receiver on the Freedom High Patriot’s football team, he fell to one knee thus keeping the head from falling to the ground…but not the zombie’s teeth from taking a big bite out of flesh on his leg.

Jason was in shock. He dropped the head into the trash can and grabbed his leg. The blood spurt from his leg artery like a lawn sprinkler.

“No…no! NO!” Jason said through gritted teeth. He applied pressure with his hands to try to stop the bleeding.

Two more heads bounced down the stairs. Jason watched them; they almost seemed to bounce in slow motion. He hung his own head against his chest. He could feel his breath already slowing. The zombie’s bite worked fast. Usually it only took 5 to 10 minutes and you became a card carrying member of the undead shuffling crew.

“No,” he whispered.

From up the stairs he heard John call, “That’s it. All clear!”

Jason sighed and let go of his wounded leg. The blood started spurting again.

He called up the stairs, “Not quite…You have one more!” as he slowly climb the steps.