The trouble with having a land line house phone is that no one calls you on it except solicitors, telemarketers, and debit collectors. It came with the cable bundle or else we would not have it. Like most modern families, everyone has there own cell phone.
Here are some examples of the conversations that take place on the house phone:
Ring, Ring
Me: Hello?
Them: Hello? Are you the head of the house?
Me: Occasionally.
Them: Huh? Never mind. Anyway our company will be in your area and will be offering a special discount for a limited time. We are the Hobo Moving Company and we can move anything that you could fit into a handkerchief on a stick…
Click
—–
Ring, Ring
Me: Hola!
Them: Mr. De Voss? Hello! Your last name doesn’t sound Spanish!
Me: It’s not. Who is this?
Them: This is Fred from the National Eczema Rebounders Democratic Society, or N.E.R.D.S if it’s easier for you. We have you as a registered Democrat, is that correct?
Me: Yes, sort of. I’m really an Independent, but Florida makes you choose one of the big two. What is this about?
Them: Well, sir we are an organization looking to raise money in order to put James Ripkin on the Presidential ticket for 2016. If all goes well, he would be the first President to have eczema in the White House, something that has been sorely lacking in the governmental system…
Click
—–
Ring, Ring
Me: Speaking
Them: Please stay on the line for a limited time special offer. Introducing the Smart Burrito! You can take pictures, make calls, check your email, update your calendar, then just add guacamole and sour cream and you can eat it too.
Click
—–
Ring, Ring
Me: De Voss residence.
Them: This is John from The Balsa Wood Furniture Company. Your order is ready to be picked up.
Me: Excuse me?
Them: Your Balsa Wood Couch and Loveseat is ready to be picked up, sir.
Me: I didn’t order any Balsa Wood furniture, nor would I ever.
Them: You don’t have to be rude. Just so you know our furniture is hand crafted with the finest Slot A to Slot B technology! It’s light as a feather too. You can rearrange your living room with only one hand if you want, plus if it ever breaks, each piece of furniture comes with a free bottle of Elmer’s Glue…
Click
—–
Ring, Ring
Me: Hello, Hello
Them: You have been selected to win a free $5oo Dollar Tree Gift Card. Please press 1 if you speak French, press 2 if you speak Spanish, press 3 if you speak German, press 4 if you speak Russian, press 5 if you speak Mandarin, press 6 if you speak Pig Latin, press 7 if you speak Creole, press 8 seven times if you speak the African Clicking Language, press 9 if you speak Binary, press the Pound Sign if you….
Click
—–
Ring, Ring
Me: Hello
Them: *Heavy Breathing*
Me: What is this, 1975? Why don’t you post pictures of your junk on the internet like all the other sickos?!
Them: *Heavy breathing suddenly stops* Um, I don’t know how to upload the pictures from my phone, you insensitive prick!
Click
Christopher De Voss 
Coincidentally, I taught my adult students the term “land line” today and I mentioned that I didn’t have one for precisely this reason: that no one ever called me except telemarketers and their ilk. I’m not sure if Korean telemarketers are better or worse than American ones, but they are easier to get rid of if you just keep speaking English to them.
Good idea! I’ll start speaking Korean when I answer from now on!
Actually I did used to speak Korean to the hustlers in southeast Asia when I was there. That usually discouraged them. Give it a try. Just say “ju-ge-lay?” over and over. It means, “you wanna die?”
jew-gee-lay? Is that the right pronunciation?
yeah, but the middle one is like the “gu” in “gun”
Gotcha
Then there’s the classic landline fail:
Ring ring
Me: Hello
Idiot: Are you home?
Click, because no reply would be good enough…
Haha! Awesome!
I try…said Macy Gray.
Thank goodness we gave up the land line. Now if the “This is your Captain speaking”,preceded by the big ship horn would stop calling my cell I would be a happy camper.
The Love Boat calls you?
No love there. Just some cruise line telling you how to win a trip if you call them back. Yeah…I’ll get right on that.
If Captain Stubing or Issac The Bartender were calling me, I would answer!
My land line (which is the only number I can be reached at b/c I hate cell phones and don’t actually turn it on or know the number!) is also attached to an ‘old school’ message machine which makes you listen to an unusually LONG message…and I find I have less weird calls if I let the machine ‘answer’ –
Challenge accepted!
Hee hee… we used to have a recording of Tully Kupferberg (from the Fugs) reading classfied adverts as ‘poetry’ – one was for a place that helps Jewish people find nice Jewish girls (Tully’s Jewish too) …and we would get so much HATE responses from that. And it wasn’t even a horrible thing – like the Christians seeking Christians kind of ads – but it was funny to hear people’s responses.
Ummm…challenge unaccepted. 😉
I can’t find the reading of that advert – but I LOVE the Rules of Social Studies…
What was rule number three again?
COPY YOUR HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT IN THE HOME WORK ASSIGNMENT PAD!
I like rule 5 – NEVER LEAVE YOUR SEAT! NEVER!
Poor kids during periods 1,4,5, & 7.
Haha!
One more for fun…
She has 35 problems, but the bitch ain’t one….
I have most of those dissuaders 🙂 except the underwear part – I wear mine for only 3 days. I have some class.
Hopefully you don’t wear the ones with the days of the week on them, because that would be confusing.
Even if I had days of the week undies, I doubt I’d be the kind to wear them in the correct order…because ‘organized’ is not a adjective I identify with.
Just don’t wear them backwards…
and inside out.
😉
But let me add – that I think all those things are kind of ludicrousn…I didn’t mean that the classified ads aren’t horrid to begin with; what I meant that the ad wasn’t some sort of anti-Jewish propaganda…
Oh no, I didn’t take it that way.
oh Good 🙂 I’d hate for you to think I’m horrid rather than just socially unacceptable and possibly awkward.
But aren’t we all?
The cool ones at least.
Hahaha, I love your sense of humour I’ve found out after perusing your blog for the last hour or so. 🙂 Yes, I know. I should be calling you to ask if you need your strawberries polished or something else daft, instead I did my research and will now call you to ask if you speak Korean. 🙂
Why thank you! I speak American Korean which is to say I don’t speak it at all…but in High School my girlfriend at the time was Korean! So that’s something, right?
Hahaha, that certainly is something. 🙂
Yep. Sounds about right. We really need to get rid of our landline. It’s like a dead zone.
If it didn’t make the cable cheaper, it would be gone.
I really want a Smart Burrito!!!!
Me too! Hold the guacamole!
I LOL when I read that part.
Balsa wood furniture works for me!
That’s because you are light on your feet!
I wonder if you can make those toy glider planes out of balsa furniture. I’d be in.
Maybe after you sat on it…and broke it…you could use the pieces…
Like you, my land line came with the cable bundle and is there for the amusement of telemarketers. I play games with them. I ask them to hold while I take another call. Go back in thirty minutes and see if they are still there. “Are you still there? Good, I’ll just be another minute.” Set the phone down for another half hour.
You should play a slasher movie in the background with screaming and what not, then see if they are still there after that.
You’re brilliant!!! Rev up the chainsaw!!!
😉
I love your sense of humour Chris!
Thank you! Much appreciated!
I love your body, Chris. And your balsa wood loveseat.
Thanks?
You’re welcome you sexy beef fillet.
Ha, we got one robocall last week that somehow intertwined itself with another robocall it was making at the same time. It was talking to and over itself. “Please press one if you would like to update…” “Sorry, I didn’t get that, please enter your number or say…”Press two if…” “Sorry I’m having trouble understanding. Let me transfer you to a customer service…” “Please stay on the line.” It finally transferred itself TO itself, only to have itself tell itself that it would have to call itself back during normal business hours!! That one took the cake. Thanks for a good chuckle today!
Thank you! That sounds hilarious!
Those were the reason we got rid of our land line; however, we live in a adobe home where cells can’t get a connection. We did go with another program less expensive than our local carrier. Now its peaceful not to have all the marketing calls flood your line! It also is great not having your name in a phone book! Good write up!
Thank you. Sounds like heaven!
It is now~ I enjoy your write-ups! 🙂
Now solicitors text you too!
“Hi Randy I found this great site to meet single chicks you should check it on. Are we still on for tonight?”
Haha! So true!
So true!
Occasionally, our landline rings. Occasionally, some of those are actual calls to us. Most of the time, though, the incidents you described are pretty much what I get. This is all on you, Alexander Graham Bell!!!
Damn you Alex!
LOL. This post reminded me why I haven’t taken part in the landline phone situation for around 7 years. I think the last person I know to even actively use one is my Grandmother… can’t you just disconnect it at the wall?
Yes, I guess I could…it’s not like we pay for it really…it came with the cable package. The original thought was that it would be a backup phone to get a hold of any of the children if they were home alone and not paying attention to their cell phones…but the damn thing rings so much with nonsense, everyone just ignores it. I’m thinking about purchasing a rotary phone for the nostalgia.
HAHAHA…. I didn’t go through something like that but i do share with you “the mutual hatred for land line” .
🙂