My Simplistic Review of Sharknado

14 Jul

Take a tornado…

Add sharks…

Inside of the tornado mind you…

And you have Sharknado!

It’s another one of Syfy channels, Oh-So-Bad-They-Have-To-Be-Watched movies following in the footsteps of such great classics:

Chupacabra Vs. The Almo
Flying Monkeys
12 Disasters of Christmas
Aladdin And The Death Lamp
Arachnoquake
Jersey Shore Shark Attack
Piranhaconda
Mega Python Vs Gatoroid
Sharktopus
 

Those are 100%  honest to goodness real movies.

To start the movie off, after surfing for a millisecond Ian Ziering, of 90120 fame, has to warn people that the waters have become shark infested. No one listens, of course as the camera pans back and forth across a nice bikini clad bottom.  Then a shark bites his buddy on a jet ski, followed by a huge rain storm. During the storm the sharks are picked up out of the water and deposited into a nearby restaurant on the pier.

Some creative shark kills during the shark filled restaurant scene:

Pool stick through a shark’s head.
Bar stool to shark’s jaw.
Randomly stored explosive canister jammed into shark’s mouth and blown up.
Broken shark filled Ferris Wheel rolls off the hinges, chases everyone down the boardwalk, and finally crashes into a hotel.

Now it’s storming even harder and the coastal town is flooding. As the waters rise the streets become populated with all types of sharks.

Hammerhead Sharks…
Great White Sharks…
Mortgage Lenders…
 

Ian warns some stranded motorists of the shark filled streets, but nobody is listening to him today. They all get chomped into pieces by the never satisfied fishes. I think they were waiting on Luke Perry for confirmation. One of my favorite special effects is when they needed to drive through some waves to escape to higher ground and I swear they filmed someone flicking a hot wheel with their finger to achieve this dramatic shot.

I won’t give away the whole movie but here are some key moments to look forward to when you watch it with your loved ones:

Sharks being blown out of street manholes
Tara Reid’s bad acting
Trying to pull a guy from a Shark’s mouth by his feet
Sharks swimming in a living room
Shark period jokes
Completely flooded shark filled house…except the driveway where the escape car is sitting 
Ian stopping the car a lot to try to save random strangers and most of them not listening
Shark eating through the roof of a moving car
Random decapitated Shark heads in the street
An Australian with no Australian accent whats-so-ever, except he does say, “Mate” every time he opens his mouth
MacGuyver wheelbarrow weapons
Flying a helicopter through a Sharknado
Electrified Sharks 
Blowing up the Senior Citizen’s Shark infested pool
Sharks attacking a helicopter while in the air
Shark crashing through a billboard
Ian saying, “The waters are rising!” a lot
Chainsawing yourself out of a Shark while rescuing a girl from inside it’s belly* 
 
 
I give this movie a rating of 2988 of 3000 shark teeth.
 
*Greatest scene ever!
 
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65 Responses to “My Simplistic Review of Sharknado”

  1. Monk Monkey July 14, 2013 at 10:21 PM #

    This sounds AWESOOOOOOOME!!!

    • Christopher De Voss July 14, 2013 at 10:28 PM #

      It was awesome! Awesomely bad! What was also bad was the fact that this published a day early as well. 😦

      • Monk Monkey July 17, 2013 at 7:24 AM #

        ha! Awesome!

      • Christopher De Voss July 17, 2013 at 10:39 AM #

        Do they have Sharknados in Australia?

      • Monk Monkey July 18, 2013 at 5:10 AM #

        Yes, it’s called “having a shower.”

      • Christopher De Voss July 18, 2013 at 9:24 AM #

        If that was the case, you would think Australians would be stinky. Yet Australia isn’t considered a stinky country, which brings me to one conclusion…. Australians are bad ass.

      • Monk Monkey July 19, 2013 at 4:29 AM #

        Einstein, other guy, de Voss. The three smartest men in Christendom.

  2. Ervin Sholpnick July 14, 2013 at 10:34 PM #

    And the Oscar goes to…….

  3. rayworth1973 July 15, 2013 at 12:03 AM #

    The best shitty movie of the year! I live for these icky bug movies. I’m just pissed they moved them to Thursdays instead of Saturday when they used to show them. My astronomy buddy said they originally aired the icky bugs on Thrusdays and moved them to Saturday a few years ago. Moving them back to Thursday was a bad move to me. Now they leave room on Saturday for that dud, Sinbad or whatever. Shit.

    • Christopher De Voss July 15, 2013 at 1:14 AM #

      Do you have On Demand on your cable, that’s where I watch most of this stuff. Then it doesn’t matter what night it’s on.

  4. ksbeth July 15, 2013 at 12:48 AM #

    I cannot wait to see this! It is right up my alley and I also look forward to the others. Wow –

    • Christopher De Voss July 15, 2013 at 1:10 AM #

      If you love bad cheesy movies, this was right up there!

  5. David Stewart July 15, 2013 at 3:56 AM #

    It’s surprising what a successful B-movie formula that is: combine two dangerous things, including their name. I’m predicting Ebolanado, Tapewormtsunami, and Diabetesvolcano anytime now.

    • Christopher De Voss July 15, 2013 at 9:41 AM #

      Diabetesvolcano would be a hit I’m sure. Bearnami is floating around the net as a possible sequel.

      • David Stewart July 15, 2013 at 9:48 AM #

        Bearnami sounds like it’s got some possibilities. I guess I should narrow it to the formula of: dangerous animal+natural disaster. In which case, I’d like to see Tarantulavalanche.

      • Christopher De Voss July 15, 2013 at 9:50 AM #

        That’s a mouthful.

  6. Kayla Lords July 15, 2013 at 5:47 AM #

    I don’t think I could force myself to sit through it…especially since I don’t like blood and gore. But now I don’t need to…yay!

    • Christopher De Voss July 15, 2013 at 9:39 AM #

      It’s not too gory…and what little gore there is, is kind of funny.

      • Kayla Lords July 15, 2013 at 8:00 PM #

        Funny gore? Eh?

      • Christopher De Voss July 15, 2013 at 8:05 PM #

        Yes. It’s meant to be tongue in cheek as opposed to gross out.

      • Kayla Lords July 15, 2013 at 8:11 PM #

        I’m still not interested in sharks in a tornado…my dreams are weird enough without the extra help!

      • Christopher De Voss July 15, 2013 at 8:25 PM #

        I read 😉

  7. denmother July 15, 2013 at 7:41 AM #

    I’m still trying to figure out why we lost 12 shark teeth on this rating. Do you just not like sharks or something? I mean come on, solid actors like Ian Ziering AND Tara Reid? 1 billion shark teeth right there to start. Sharks AND tornadoes? Who would have ever thought these two crazy things could ever go together? Damn. Butter me up some popcorn!

    • Christopher De Voss July 15, 2013 at 8:56 AM #

      It was Tara Reid’s acting! Oh my god it was bad! I think they took away lines from her at the end and told her to just stand there and look worried.

      • denmother July 15, 2013 at 10:13 PM #

        Poor Tara. She should always be worried. Somewhere she took a way wrong turn. And correct me if I’m wrong but I could swear Ian Z. used to spell his name Iain. There’s part of his problem. Why do I think I know that? Many evenings well spent on 90210 – the original!

      • Christopher De Voss July 15, 2013 at 10:14 PM #

        Maybe I got the name wrong…

      • denmother July 15, 2013 at 10:19 PM #

        Nope I googled it and it reads Ian, but I swear he had some Hollywood spelling back in the day. He’s made it disappear…. some stripper probably told him it sucked.

      • Christopher De Voss July 15, 2013 at 10:35 PM #

        Hahahaha!

  8. gingerfightback July 15, 2013 at 8:11 AM #

    This sounds like it could be Godfather 4 – it is that good

  9. El Guapo July 15, 2013 at 10:43 AM #

    Sadly, even Ian Zerling and William Heard can’t match the star wattage of Debbie Gibson and Tiffany in the syfy classic Mega Shark vs. Super Python (or something)…

    • Christopher De Voss July 15, 2013 at 10:53 AM #

      Yes, but that had a cat fight in it. It wins by default.

  10. silkpurseproductions July 15, 2013 at 1:05 PM #

    I love that you went with “mortgage lenders” instead of the easy choice of “lawyers”.
    Sounds like this one is one to savour. Looking forward to it.

  11. pieterk515 July 16, 2013 at 3:11 AM #

    Where do you get to see this kinda stuff? Also proof that there is life after 90210, even if it’s a crappy one.

  12. rheath40 July 16, 2013 at 11:29 AM #

    Ian Zehring stated in an interview that he was sure that this movie was going to be his ‘Pulp Fiction’. His ‘comeback’. Hahahahahahahahahahahah!

    • Christopher De Voss July 16, 2013 at 11:34 AM #

      It just maybe. He actually did a good job.

      • rheath40 July 16, 2013 at 11:37 AM #

        I’m sure he did, with what he had. Sharks scare me enough. A Sharknado, would make me lose my ever loving mind.

        If you want to watch a scary movie, check out Sinister with Ethan Hawke. I slept with the damn light on last night. OMFG!

      • Christopher De Voss July 16, 2013 at 11:46 AM #

        I love scary movies. I will check it out.

      • rheath40 July 16, 2013 at 11:57 AM #

        ;-p

  13. ohlidia July 18, 2013 at 2:22 PM #

    This was on TV the other night and I thought it was the funniest/worst movie ever!!

  14. Christopher De Voss July 19, 2013 at 10:57 AM #

    Reblogged this on Long Awkward Pause.

  15. DrFrood July 19, 2013 at 11:17 AM #

    O. M. Effin’. G.

    I love you Syfy.

  16. The Fat Girl Running July 20, 2013 at 7:44 AM #

    Pretty sure Chupacabra vs The Alamo is one I can’t miss!

  17. gswaterman July 20, 2013 at 10:05 AM #

    Great review – can’t wait to read the one on the just-announced sequel. Hands down (or bitten off), Syfy is the best TV channel, and not just because everything broadcast is based on a true story. All of their movies are the most splendid crap-de-la-crap, especially the early ones made on a budget of less than $10 – combined. Animal Planet, you can keep your damn mermaids, bring on Sharknado 2!

  18. kadja1 July 21, 2013 at 7:41 PM #

    I so want to see Mystery Science Theater resurrected…It would be awesome to see those reactions! LOL

  19. namredips15 July 28, 2013 at 5:32 PM #

    Hey man, love the review, been reading a lot of ypur posts recently and I’m impressed! I was wondering if you could do a random post on my site to help boost traffic somewhat?

    The site can be found at http://thesimpsonstappedouthelp.com/

    Regards

    • Christopher De Voss July 28, 2013 at 5:35 PM #

      I play the game. What kind of post where you thinking?

      • namredips15 July 28, 2013 at 5:39 PM #

        As do I! and many others. Anything really, just a post on your views of the blog, perhaps a personal review from yourself, something you readers can relate to 🙂 either that or a guest post that I can prepare if you’d prefer, let me know 🙂

      • Christopher De Voss July 28, 2013 at 5:47 PM #

        OK. Sounds good. I have a new project, longawkwardpause.wordpress.com launching August 1st. After that I can do something.

      • namredips15 July 28, 2013 at 5:48 PM #

        Many thanks 🙂 your help is appreciated and if I can ever return the favour let me know 🙂 I shall be reading your new blog when it comes to light 🙂

      • Christopher De Voss July 28, 2013 at 5:52 PM #

        Check it out now if you like. It’s up, but the official posts are on the 1st.

      • namredips15 July 28, 2013 at 5:57 PM #

        Ok, I will 🙂 thanks

  20. Andrew August 18, 2013 at 3:58 PM #

    Are you still planning on doing a radio play of Piranhaconda? If so can I audition? I’ve been reading a lot of books on radio acting, and think I can bring a sense of “art” to the production. Thank you ahead of time for your consideration.

    • Christopher De Voss August 18, 2013 at 4:13 PM #

      You are in.

      • Andrew August 18, 2013 at 7:44 PM #

        Thank you. I was worried I was wasting my time with all this practicing.

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