Six Christmas Reindeer that Didn’t Make the Delivery Team

This is a piece that was written by my fellow Pauser, Chowderhead and myself…well to be honest it was about 90% Chowderhead and 10% myself.

The task of expediting billions of presents to mouthy brats around the globe in one night is a heaping pile of responsibility – one that requires a sharp, sober team of hoofed navigators to help carry it out. There’s only room for one drunken deviant on the parcel delivery team, and that’s Santa Claus; a morbidly obese shut-in operating under the delusion that wearing a belt and boots with red pajamas is more than a just a kinky homage to Hugh Hefner, it’s a fashion statement.

Assembling a dashing team of sleigh navigators has historically been no simple task – one that requires a formal tryout, which annually results in reject letters being handed out to dozens of four-legged, horn bearing hopefuls. Remember all those Reindeer games? These caribou take it seriously and have been training all their lives!

Now I know you’re familiar with Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, and that freak, Rudolph; but according to some loose media source there were 6 previously unknown potentials that narrowly made the cut.

(To be honest, they weren’t even close to making the cut.)

Flasher

Official scouting report notes indicated that this obscene creature couldn’t keep his reindeer gear tucked between his furry little thighs during the tryouts. A lewd compulsion to flash his candy cane and holly berries in front of festive front room windows not only kept him off the team, but also nearly landed him a two year stay on the pet offenders list.

Dahmer

Initially, his calm demeanor and ability to take orders earned him a spot on the flight crew team. However, his membership status was revoked shortly after scouts discovered his hidden cannibalistic tendencies. He didn’t last too long at tryout camp, and neither did his stable mate, Meaty.

Square Dancer

It was determined that this uncoordinated mess of a creature might potentially blow the cover so to speak. During the trial package drop, Square Dancer attempted to Doe See Doe with Flasher, producing unacceptable decibel levels up on the roof tops.

Grab your partner don’t be shy,

Eat some magic corn, then you’ll fly

Land on the roofop, dosey doe

Santa is in the house,

your ass is standing in the snow

 

Nixon

A soft spoken and charismatic leader-type at first glance. However, walking papers were issued after one scouting team official candidly discovered him editing Christmas Lists and the official package delivery route. The incident was later coined, KringleGate. For the full story, you can watch the movie, All The Reindeer’s Men starring The Elf that Wanted to be a Dentist and the cast of The Island of Misfit Toys.

Vomit

Suffers from motion sickness. Also didn’t look good for any publicity photo shoots, for Vomit always had about six air sickness bags hanging off of him…just in case.

Stupid

His offenses are too long to list. Fellow trial mates frequently complained of inappropriate blinker usage during practice flights, and Stupid fell of a roof during one trial run while attempting a chimney handstand. The incident resulted in a broken femur, insurance settlement dispute that has been ongoing since its occurrence. Officials would not release any further details or names of the scouts associated with Stupid’s official invitation, but it’s been rumored that Stupid maybe in the new Jackass movie.

Blitzed’n

This deer liked his beer, which affected his steer. His also liked his vodka, just like his poppa. You would usually find him in passed out in the gutter, with a hooker nicknamed, Nutter Butter.

Since we are talking alternative reindeer, did you know that when Rudolph throws a hissy fit because he is such a big celebrity, (sometimes they do that) that his cousin from Germany, Christoph sometimes fill in?

True fact.

A Seven Year Old Writes My Blog Today

Me: What should I write about?

Seven Year Old: NOTHING!…The Night Before Christmas!….Duffy!…I DON’T KNOW! I’m out! Wait! Watch me jump rope!

*grabs jump rope and jumps for three seconds*

Daddy, I want a phone for Christmas! Can I go play with Whitney? I’m hungry. Can I have some Oreos? Do you know what? I liked Frozen. Do you know what my favorite part of the movie was? When she was knocking, and the snowman said, ‘Is she going to knock? She probably doesn’t know how too.’ That was funny. Here is a fake lemon. Don’t eat it, it’s fake. Can I watch TV? Is Dog with a Blog on? When’s Christmas? Do I have to go to school tomorrow? Fa la la la la LA LA LA! I like spaghetti. Can we have spaghetti for dinner. Where is Mommy? MOMMY! Oh, there’s Mommy. Mommy, Mommy, Mommy. Mommy, can we have spaghetti for dinner? Let’s play restaurant. What do you want to order? We have Fruit Salad and Fruit Cocktail. The Fruit Salad has a lot of strawberries in it and the Fruit Cocktail only has a little bit of strawberries in it. I like Fruit Salad. Can I play on the Playstation? Whitney has the new XBox. XBox is a funny word. When’s dinner? Can we have Fruit Salad for dinner? Watch me jump rope!

*grabs jump rope and jumps for two seconds*

I want some yellow pants. Will you buy me some yellow pants? Whitney has yellow pants. Do you know what’s funny? Chocolate mousse! How can a moose be chocolate? I like Skittles. Mommy likes Sour Patch Kids and you like Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups. Why do you like zombies? I hate zombies! I hate math. Do you know what would be a yummy? Chocolate moose cupcake! But don’t get the antlers suck in your mouth! HAHAHAHA! What do you think Grandma is doing right now? Watch me jump rope!

*grabs jump rope and throws it across the room*

HAHAHAHA! Daddy! The screen on your computer is still blank! Why aren’t you writing anything? You could write about my Furby! He is funny! He has no batteries. I need batteries. Daddy, why are you holding your head in your hands? Do you have a headache? I once had a headache. Hey, my tooth is loose! Look, Daddy! Look at my loose tooth!

*wiggles tooth*

Daddy, are you going to write anything? The screen is still blank. That line thing keeps blinking. Daddy, why did you put your head on the keyboard? HAHAHAHA! You wrote a bunch of D’s with your head! DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD! I can write the word Dog and Cat and Toe….

Daddy?

Are you going to write something?

Reboot Of Long Awkward Pause

I’m really excited to announce the next incarnation of Long Awkward Pause.

Yes, you guessed it…we are turning into a erotic sex site! It will have all the usual stuff: erotic writing, sexy pictures, dancing teddy bears, sex toy reviews, tips on canning fruit…

We will be focusing on bringing you our style in  more of a online magazine format with each columnist handling different topics.

Yes, no longer will you be forced to watch Mike Calahan write about twinkies!

You are all welcome.

Here is a preview of what November will bring:

Blogdramedy – That’s Entertainment Or Not!
BD’s take on the liberal arts, past and present.

 

Rants – What Sandpapers My Balls

Rants doing what he does best…telling you like it is!

Mike Calahan – From the Only Moderately Cluttered Desk of Mike Calahan

Editorals/Opinions in the Calahan style that most of you are a fans of already.

Myself – On A Side Note…My Interview With

I’m kind of stepping out of my wheelhouse…mostly because I don’t have a wheelhouse…and will be interviewing people from all over the interwebs.

Justin Gawel – Title To Be Announced
Editorals/Opinions. Justin’s take on stuff! In Justin’s world! In Justin’s way!

Monk Monkey – Wake up to yourselves, you CHIMPS!
Giving you the best advice on taking care of your mind/body/health in a way that only a spiritual guru monkey can…

Cordelia – Title To Be Announced

An expert in food and beverage. This will not be your standard recipe how to page, but will cover a gambit of food related topics. Some even unexpected…

Omawarisan – Title To Be Announced

Editorals/Opinions. Everyone’s favorite retired humorist takes on life.

Chowderhead – This Day in Pop Culture History

Chowder’s unique take on the world of pop culture and entertainment. No one will be spared.

I’m really excited about this new direction and hope you check out everyone’s articles every Monday and Friday starting November 1st. There will still be a spot for suggestions and we will also be looking for guest writers.

A big thank you for those who have supported us from the beginning and we will see you at The Pause. (That’s what the cool kids call it.)

Throwing Long Awkward Pause Through Gizoogle

*Warning: Severe language used in the pursuit of comedy. Proceed at your own risk.*

Gizoogle is a web site that takes other web sites and turns them into something you might hear come out of Snoop Dog/Lion’s mouth. So I thought it would be funny to take the staff of Long Awkward Pause’s personal sites and throw them threw Gizoogle and see what spits out.

BrainRants

Original Post: Thanks For Nothing Congress

Nobody should be surprised that I’m so disgusted right now I could vomit.  A government shut down forced by two squabbling, childish, spoiled sides of what is supposed to be an elected body of our representatives.  In other words, they’re supposed to be looking out for our interests, not theirs.  Can they do this?  Apparently not.

Who am I blaming?

Gizoogle Version:

No Muthafucka should be surprised dat I’m so disgusted right now I could vomit.  A posse shut down forced by two squabbling, childish, spoiled sidez of what tha fuck is supposed ta be a erected body of our representatives.  In other lyrics, they’re supposed ta be lookin up fo’our interests, not theirs.  Can they do this?  Apparently not.

Dum diddy-dum, here I come biaaatch! Who tha fuck is I blaming?

Blogdramedy

Original Post: SHERLOCK REVEALED: A TICKLISH CONVERSATION WITH DOCTOR WATSON

I’ve been told I’m a good listener. Okay, maybe it was just that one time but you can’t unring a bell.

I’m taking that talent and mixing in a little helping of sly digs and satire to bring you a new recurring feature. It’s called “SIDE B – secretly taped interviews with celebrities of the moment.” Side A are the pre-approved, publicist-friendly interviews, which are totally boring and available on iTunes for 99 cents.

Here the microphone is hidden and the drinks are free.

Gizoogle Version:

I’ve been holla’d at I’m a phat listener n’ shit. Okay, maybe dat shiznit was just dat one time but you can’t unrin a funky-ass bell.

I’m takin dat talent n’ mixin up in a lil helpin of sly digs n’ satire ta brang you a freshly smoked up recurrin feature. It’s called “SIDE B – secretly taped rap battlez wit clownz of tha moment.” Side A is tha pre-approved, publicist-friendly rap battles, which is straight-up borin n’ available on iShit fo’ 99 cents.

Here tha microphone is hidden n’ tha dranks is free.

Mike Calahan’s B.L.O.G.

Original Version: To All Who Come To This Happy Place… Aaaarrrggh!

To All Who Come To This Happy Place… Aaaarrrggh!

Perhaps I’d been serenaded “The Ballad of Davy Crockett” once too often while still in the womb or maybe it was the steady diet of Donald Duck brand orange juice made with fruit concentrate that did it to me. Whatever the root cause, I was raised with an inherent love of all things Disney. To my sister and me, Disney cartoons and films were seen as the embodiment of all things good, they conveyed a world where things were safe, where good things happened to good people and where solutions to most of our problems were just a Sherman brothers song away. I believed that the Disney magic was real. Real, that is, until… that one day.

What happened that day, you ask?

Gizoogle Version:

To All Dum diddy-dum, here I come biaaatch! Who tha fuck Come To This Kool as fuck Place… Aaaarrrggh!

Perhaps I’d been serenaded “Da Ballad of Davy Crockett” once too often while still up in tha womb or maybe dat shiznit was tha steady diet of Dizzle Duck brand orange juice made wit fruit concentrate dat done did it ta mah dirty ass. Whatever tha root cause, I was raised wit a inherent ludd of all thangs Deez’nuts, n’ you can put dat on yo’ toast. To mah sista n’ me, Deez’nuts cartoons n’ films was peeped as tha embodiment of all thangs good, they conveyed a ghetto where thangs was safe, where phat thangs happened ta phat playas n’ where solutions ta most of our problems was just a Sherman brothers cold lil’ woo wop away. I believed dat tha Deez’nuts magic was real. It aint nuthin but tha nick nack patty wack, I still gots tha bigger sack. Real, dat is, until… dat one day.

What happened dat day, you ask?

Justin Gawel’s Ramblings From An Apathetic Adult Baby

Original Version: Other People’s Bodies: The Terrifying Frontier

*My deepest apologies to everyone.  I’ve been scrambling the last two weeks and haven’t posted.  Going forward, it looks like I’ll be contributing to ThoughtCatalog too, but I’ll be trying to post everything both here andthere.  Regardless, here or there, pants or no pants, I love you all.

One non-descript day you’re out on the street, sucking down a hot, tasty wiener with furious unchecked gusto. As your jaw unhinges like an anaconda to accommodate your fervent, uncurbed enthusiasm, you’re in paradise, never more certain of your identity and purpose.  But, like being hit by a runaway train, later that day you’re blindsided by a documentary on the processed meat industry and, just like that, you swear off hot dogs forever and an existential crisis ensues.

Gizoogle Version:

*My fuckin deepest apologies ta everyone.  I’ve been scramblin tha last two weeks n’ haven’t posted.  Goin forward, it be lookin like I’ll be contributin ta ThoughtCatalog too yo, but I’ll be tryin ta post every last muthafuckin thang both here n’ there.  Regardless, here or there, baggy-ass pants or no pants, I gots a straight-up boner fo’ y’all.

One non-descript dizzle you’re up on tha street, suckin down a hot, dirty wiener wit furious unchecked gusto fo’ realz. As yo’ jaw unhinges like a anaconda ta accommodate yo’ fervent, uncurbed enthusiasm, you’re up in paradise, never mo’ certain of yo’ identitizzle n’ purpose.  But, like bein hit by a runaway train, later dat dizzle you’re blindsided by a thugged-out documentary on tha processed meat industry and, just like that, you swear off bangin’ dawgs forever n’ a existential crisis ensues.

Monk Monkey

Original Version: Your fortune: Told!

Hereby forthwith thou shall see yon fortunes toldeth by thine stars unto me…

TAURUS
Act like a bull today. A big bull. A hot bull. A bull so steamy hot, melted butter would melt right off your back and drip to the floor. Perhaps a lovely maiden will come and lick the butter off the floor?

AQUARIUS
Get out of the aquarium and jump into your life! Today is the day to do great and wondrous things! Eat ten pringles in one go, roll a tomato down an incline, incline your head at a tomato…the opportunities are endless and the world is your oyster!

 Gizoogle Version:

Hereby forthwith thou shall peep yon fortunes holla’d ateth by thine stars unto me…

TAURUS
Act like a funky-ass bull todizzle. It make me wanna hollar playa! A big-ass bull fo’ realz. A bangin’ bull fo’ realz. A bull so steamy hot, melted butter would melt right off yo’ back n’ drip ta tha floor. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Perhaps a ghettofab maiden will come n’ lick tha butter off tha floor?

AQUARIUS
Git outta tha aquarium n’ jump tha fuck into yo’ game biaaatch! Todizzle is tha dizzle ta do pimped out n’ wondrous thangs muthafucka! Eat ten pringlez up in one go, roll a tomato down a incline, incline yo’ head at a tomato…the opportunitizzles is endless n’ tha ghetto is yo’ oysta son!

Cordella

Original Version: …The Time I was Chased by a Moose.

As a part of my recovery, it is very important for me to share, what life was like before, what it’s like now, and what I am hoping for in the future.  I am going to start with a little bit about what it was like. I’ve decided to keep it light, as my past few posts have been pretty heavy, keeping in mind that though the story might be funny, it’s a small piece of what brought me to my newfound sobriety. Here we go…

Once upon a time I had an idea…I know, not good. I decided, that after 2 1/2 years in AA and NA that I was cured of my alcoholism. Imagine that. I was cured y’all! I had graduated! I didn’t need no stinking recovery!!

Gizoogle Version:

As a part of mah recovery, it is straight-up blingin fo’ me ta share, what tha fuck game was like before, what tha fuck it’s like now, n’ what tha fuck I be hopin fo’ up in tha future.  I be goin ta start wit a lil bit bout what tha fuck dat shiznit was like. I’ve decided ta keep it light, as mah past few posts done been pretty heavy, keepin up in mind dat though tha rap might be funky, it’s a lil’ small-ass piece of what tha fuck brought me ta mah newfound sobriety yo. Here we go…

Back up in tha dizzle I had a idea…I know, not good. Y’all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! I be fly as a gangbangin’ falcon, soarin all up in tha sky dawwwwg! I decided, dat afta 2 1/2 muthafuckin years up in AA n’ NA dat I was cured of mah hittin tha brew like a muthafucka. Imagine dis shit. I was cured y’all! I had graduated hommie! I didn’t need no stinkin recovery!!

Omawarisan’s Blurt

Original Version: Wonder Woman’s Invisible Airplane – Ingeniously Ridiculous or Ridiculously Ingenious?

Stealth aircraft have been an important part of our military for years. Their invisibility to radar helps keep air crews safe;  that is very cool.

You’d have to say something if you saw this. (image via brick of the day.com)

–

I’m not sure how good being invisible to radar is for those of us flying commercial. Seeing and being seen is important for thousands of us every day as we fly on business or for vacations. Because people smarter than I am are on that issue, we don’t have a lot of problems with military stealth planes and other planes running afoul of one another.

Gizoogle Version:

Yo, stealth aircraft done been a blingin part of our military fo’ years. Their invisibilitizzle ta radar helps keep air crews safe;  dat is straight-up cool.

You’d gotta say suttin’ if you saw all dis bullshit. (image via brick of tha day.com)

–

I’m not shizzle how tha fuck phat bein invisible ta radar is fo’ dem of our asses flyin commercial. It aint nuthin but tha nick nack patty wack, I still gots tha bigger sack. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Seein n’ bein peeped is blingin fo’ thousandz of our asses every last muthafuckin dizzle as we fly on bidnizz or fo’ vacations. Because playas smarter than I be is on dat issue, our phat asses don’t gotz a shitload of problems wit military stealth planes n’ other planes hustlin afoul of one another.

Chowderhead

Original Version: Closing the Debate on Open Relationships

Last week a couple of friends and I got into a heated debate on the topic of Open Relationships.  And by “heated debate,” I mean “drunken melee involving projectile beer bottles, bawling/brawling girlfriends, whips and boomerangs, the police, and flying monkeys.”

PBS meets COPS meets Monty Python. 

But we’ll save that story for some other time.

“Yeah, he said the boomerang went that way.”

–

There was no real need for me to delve, but I love playing Devil’s Advocate. Anytime is a good time for a hearty bowl of philosophy soup.  However, my “scientific findings” from last Friday indicate that the generally conservative public thinks otherwise: the topic of Open Relationships really twists people’s guts.

Gizoogle Version:

Last week a cold-ass lil couple playaz n’ I gots tha fuck into a heated rap battle on tha topic of Open Relationships.  And by “heated debate,” I mean “drunken melee involvin projectile brew bottles, bawling/brawlin hoes, whips n’ boomerangs, tha police, n’ flyin monkeys.”

PBS meets COPS meets Monty Python. 

But we’ll save dat rap fo’ some other time.

“Yeah, da perved-out muthafucka holla’d tha boomerang went dat way.”

–

There was no real need fo’ me ta delve yo, but I gots a straight-up boner fo’ playin Devil’s Advocate fo’ realz. Anytime be a phat time fo’ a hearty bowl ofphilosophy soup.  But fuck dat shiznit yo, tha word on tha street is dat mah “scientistical findings” from last Fridizzle indicate dat tha generally conservatizzle hood be thinkin otherwise: tha topic of Open Relationships straight-up twists people’s guts.

My Simplistic Review Of The Simpson’s Tapped Out Help Blog With Guest Blogger Tom

Hey…it’s me…Chris. I have an obsession…besides the one most of you know about (boobs)…it’s the Simpson’s Tapped Out Game. I play it at least three times a day…everyday. I got a bunch of my friends to play it too. We huddle in corners at work furiously tapping our Simpson’s communities to earn money and pink donuts, closed off from the rest of the world like tapping Simpsons vampires…

Ok, maybe not quite like that.

That actually may have not made any sense…ignore that whole tapping Simpsons vampire thing…. 

Anyway, my friend Tom from the blog, TSTOhelp (which stands for The Simpsons Tapped Out Help) and myself are going to give you a brief overview of the game.

Chris: Welcome, Tom

Tom: Thanks for having me here. Big fan of the game huh?

Chris: I love this game! Tom, I thought it would be really cool if we role play for a minute. I’ll be Homer Simpson and you be a random Springfield person.

Tom: Uh, OK.

Chris: Just pretend we are walking down the street and you run into me, but remember I’m Homer, not Chris.

Tom: Yeah, I got the premise.  Hi Homer.

Chris: D’oh!

Tom: How are you doing today Homer?

Chris: D’oh!

Tom: Thanks Chris, that’s not really working. Why don’t I talk about the actual game instead.

Chris: D’oh!

Tom: Moving forward….Simpsons Tapped Out has become a worldwide obsession with people of all ages within a very short period of time, generating millions of dollars for EA by the mere act of telling people to tap furiously on their screens all in an attempt to create a village that outweighs everyone else’s.

Chris: Did you say millions?

Tom: Yes. It’s their number one revenue producing game right now.

Chris: Really? Does it make more money than Madden Football?

Tom: Yes, I believe it does. I don’t work for EA so I don’t have the exact figures on all their games.

Chris: Does it make more money than Bejeweled Temple Run Tetris  Solitaire?

Tom: I don’t think that’s a game. I think you just randomly mashed together some famous game names.

Chris: Maybe I did…

Tom: Continuing to move forward, the story of Tapped Out follows a highly likely scenario in which, Homer, playing on his ‘mypad’, accidentally causes a nuclear meltdown in the Springfield Powerplant and causes the Springfield we all know and love to be blown apart leaving nothing but himself and a green square of land.  With the help of Homer and the ‘giant finger’ (i.e. you), the task is the rebuild Springfield from scratch starting with the Simpson house.  Much like fellow real-time games such as FarmVille or The Sims series, Tapped out involves putting in time and patience to restructure Springfield however you see fit, erecting buildings and decorations reaps rewards such as XP and cash with characters in the mix as well (build a kwik-e-mart and get Apu etc.)

Chris: I like when Ned says, ‘Oh noooo’ when you assign him a task. Even when you tell him to go to church, he says it. Ironic.

Tom: Yes, the voices are done by the actual actors. The buildings all have unique animations when someone is in them. All in the Simpson style and look.

Chris:  I also like the Playboy Marge task where she goes around flashing the other characters.

Tom: There is no Playboy Marge task. This is a family game.

Chris: Well there should be. Hey, you want to see some funny pictures I took of the game?

Tom: Um, sure.

This is Nelson laughing at Cletus…only I was never fast enough to catch him with his finger up and pointing.

I think that’s Ned they have in the barrel. I can’t remember. I also like that Willie is more concerned with raking leaves, instead of the drowning Ned.

Ned is in double trouble here, not only is this guy beating him up in front of Burn’s mansion, but look to the left…there is a machine gun pointed at him too!

 

Tom: Those were great. All I can say is, keep practicing taking screenshots.  Thank you Chris for being extremely generous in lending me your blog for an opportunity to advertise my blog briefly; TSTOhelp It’s a relatively new daily post blog in which I provide information on The Simpsons: Tapped Out.  Walkthroughs, Building information, Charater Quests and Design tips, I take questions through my Facebook Page and through E-mail @ nam-redips15@live.co.uk – all of which I attempt to answer as soon as I get them and to the best of my ability.

I would really appreciate it if you guys could take a look (if you play the game) and share your views on the site and your experience with the game so far, I offer the chance to get involved and show me your designs and share pictures of your Springfields too!  If you don’t play the game, you really should 🙂

Chris: I love this game so much, I sometimes play while having sex.

Tom: That’s a little personal to share, don’t you think?

Chris: Sometimes I get carried away and scream, ‘Give me your pink donut!’

Tom: Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea…By the way Simpson’s Tapped Out is available on iTunes and the Android Play Market, and it’s free!

Uncle Harold’s Guide To Grilling The Perfect Steak

Uncle Harold is a lot of things…grumpy, uncultured, rednecky, illiterate, possibly a kleptomaniantic…

But the one skill the man does have, is the ability to cook the perfect steak. Uncle Harold actually wrote and published a book called: ‘Learn How To Grill The Perfect Steak– a must have skill! “

Uncle Herold demanded graciously allowed me to share a small excerpt from the book.

Enjoy?

Learn How To Grill The Perfect Steak– a must have skill!

by Harold De Voss

It will not only impress your lady friend…it will impress her father, ex-boyfriend, her twelve-year-old brother whom has only had his eyeballs glued to Skyrim for last twelve hours, the dog, the cat, and maybe even Grandma, who will put your perfect steak in the blender before eating it.

You must learn how to grill a steak, and learn how to cook it well…no, no, not well done…as a matter of fact, avoid well done at all costs. Never grill a steak past medium. But first thing’s first…attire.

Don’t dress like this:

Sidenote: Make sure the size of your grill matches the size of your manhood.

You can support your team, but lose the hat and lose the oven mitt. Remember, oven mitts are for ovens, and not grills…otherwise they would be called grill mitts.

See how that works?

Some marketing guy spent hours naming the accessories to match the appliances. You need your hands bare to help tell the temperature of the steak. Don’t be a wuss.

Don’t wear your apron over your chest either. Fold it in half around your waist.

See? Much better…

Avoid Theming:

Sidenote: The size of your spatula does not have to match the size of your manhood. People will think you are overcompensating.

If you absolutely have to theme…and don’t theme…but if you have to…don’t mix your themes…such as gay sequined Uncle Sam with ironic Native American headdress. You should have gone with gay sequined top hat complete with American flag poking out of the brim.

Finally, never over dress:

Dry cleaners laugh and charge you double for steak juice covered blazers. Also, never wear a scarf…for anything…unless you’re a mailman in Canada or Minnesota.

Onto cooking:

First thing is to be sure to let your steak come to room temperature before cooking. If you’re an Eskimo this actually means 70 degrees Fahrenheit. In Celsius, this is 21.1111 according  to Google because otherwise I wouldn’t know or care about Celsius.

Also, season after the steak is cooked, never before. Always to taste. Salt, pepper, and maybe a little powdered garlic should do the trick.

Some spices to avoid using:

• Cinnamon
• Nutmeg
• Scary
• Arsenic
• Baby Powder
• Mint
• Catsup

Never cut or poke the steak to determine it’s temperature. This will let juices escape. The best method is to check with your finger. This takes some practice, just like if you were checking a woman with your finger, but once you get the hang of it, you will be a steak grilling rock star. (Caution: Always ask a woman permission before checking her with your finger.)

Which would be weird.

How would you hold a guitar and grill at the same time…c’mon think about it!

While the steak is cooking, press on the meat in several places.

Sidenote: Wait until the steak is not engulfed by flames before touching with your fingers.

Hold your hand out like you are going to shake someone’s hand 1930’s gangster movie style, but not 2012 Gundam style.

Take the your index finger and poke the fleshy area between the thumb and palm. This is what raw meat feels like. This is also what  the fleshy area between your thumb and palm feels like.

For rare, press the tip of your index finger to the tip of your thumb. The fleshy area below the thumb should give a little. This hand position is also useful for meditating.

Gently press the tip of your middle finger to the tip of your thumb. When everyone is complaining that it’s taking too long to eat, release middle finger to upright position.

Press the tip of your ring finger and your thumb together. The flesh beneath the thumb should give a little more. My Father did all the grilling in the family. He cut his pinkie off with the lawn mower one summer, so this picture is in honor of him.

Hate you Dad.

Don’t worry about medium well or well done. Never cook a steak to these temperatures. You might as well eat McDonald’s instead. Not the food, the packaging.

Happy Grilling!

Reblog Thursday Pt 9

Happy Reblog Thursday. This maybe considered cheating but…what the hell. Thanks to La La for letting me “sit in” on a little slice of her unusual adventures. Seriously, if your not following this blog, you should be…all of Baltimore does.

Reblog Thursday Pt 2

Welcome to reblog Thursday. I had to do a lot of work on this reblog this morning, because I had to find it! My scrolling hand is tired! Check out the blog: Mike Is Happy Relatively. It’s funny and most of the titles on his articles would need two book covers to fit them on.

Mike is happy.

So

no

I am

not a poet

Nor will I ever be

I know

No matter how

I lay the words out

centered or justified

I simply cannot justify

even trying because

I still don’t get Shakespeare

DiCaprio or otherwise

and my entire understanding of classical music

comes from Bugs Bunny, but

I do like the rhythm of words

and repetition and maybe one day,

historians will look back on what I’ve written and agree that,

if you stand back and squint, it looks kind of like a candlestick holder. Or a rocket.

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What Other People Post On My Facebook Wall Pt 1 (NSFW)

Thought I would share a little of what other people post on my Facebook wall:

If you go to lazertits.com it really is a site featuring lazers and tits.

It’s true!

I don’t know who the guy is that commented…and I don’t know if he is calling me an old man or my friend that posted the picture an old man. But if I was a Jedi, he would be forced choked…or made to go streaking in the quad.

I never realized.

What are you trying to say?

It’s funny because it’s true.

I can sometimes focus on four things at once.

Pure awesome.

This graph is way off. More blue, a lot less green, maybe a tad more red…which if you think about it, that’s what adding more blue does…increases red. Mind blown.

The Last Of The Jonathon “Jasper” Johns Guest Posts

For Jonathon “Jasper” Johns last guest post, I let him interview me.

The Interview

by Jonathon “Jasper” Johns

Jasper: Hello, today I’m going to interview Christopher De Voss on my blog, mostly because all the real celebrities were busy. So I settled for this Z-lister.

Chris: Um, it’s actually my blog, and thank you…I think.

Jasper: I must compliment you are your choice of guest writers, which would be me. Aren’t you happy you begged me to do it?

Chris: Actually you begged me to do it.

Jasper: How do like all the new followers?

Chris: Um, I lost 32 followers truth be told.

Jasper: And your stats went through the roof!

Chris: Well, not quite.

Jasper: Huh? I don’t think so.

Chris: Well, as of this morning my WordPress stats are down 40%, my Klout score is down to 21, and my Empire Avenue stock is -2.

Jasper: Which one of my posts do you think was the most genius?

Chris: To be honest I really liked the Fishing Story. It was open and honest and funny. It showed a unique side of you.

Jasper: No. That was a throw away. It was stupid. I think my post were I insult you was brilliant. I think it got the most views as well.

Chris: Yeah, yeah. It was great. I’ve heard them all before from you. It actually got the least number of views of all your posts.

Jasper: Are you looking at the same stats that I’m looking at?

Chris: Probably not. So, I know you had problems coming up with ideas. I bet you have a little more respect for the craft now.

Jasper: I found it quite easy.

Chris: Baylee-Ann said you didn’t sleep the whole week, and that you mostly sat in front of the computer and wept.

Jasper: I was…um…looking at a very sad website. It was about your blog.

Chris: Yup. I kind of expected you to say that. So, are you going to start your own blog?

Jasper: No, no. The Freezy Pleasy* takes too much of my time. I had to close it in order to cover your ass. So are you going to start your own blog? Because your current blog sucks. Except for this week. This week it was awesome.

Chris: Was that suppose to clever…or make sense?

Jasper: And that was my interview with Christopher De Voss. While he falls into internet obscurity, please visit The Freezy Pleasy for some great specials located in the heart of Kissimmee, Florida. Mention the code words: “Jasper for blog master!” and receive 5% off your purchase total.

*The Freezy Pleasy is the store that Jasper runs. They sell freeze dried foods.