Ode To My 64 Box Of Crayons

Oh there is Maroon, Antique Brass, Plum,

And Aquamarnie,

Asparagus, Yellow,

And Atomic Tangerine,

Who can’t live without Beaver, Bittersweet, Black,

And Blizzard Blue?

Or Blue Bell, Blue Grey, Blue Green, Blue Violet,

In fact Blues of every hue?

It’s better to Blush than be Brick Red,

As also to be Brown, than Burnt Orange,

But to be Burnt Sienna is something to be said.

Cadet Blue is pretty,

While Inchworm is silly.

Caribbean Green, Carnation Pink, Cerulean, or Cerise,

If it had one, would be the color of the breeze.

Chestnut and Copper,

Are understated colors,

While Cornflower, Cotton Candy, and Dandelion,

Stand out amongst the others.

If the world was colored Denim, Red, or Eggplant,

Then Scarlet, Magenta, and Forest Green

Would be jealous of that.

Fuchsia is to Purple,

As Gold is to Goldenrod,

However Fuzzy Wuzzy is not to Midnight Blue,

Those colors are too cool.

Grey and Green like Vivid Tangerine,

While Mango Tango hates Magenta,

If you ask

Tan and Pink,

They are always ones to think,

That nothing rhymes with Orange.

Several Really Short Stupid Poems

Title: Sure, But I’m Not Dancing With Your Uncle That Was Just Released From Prison

—–

Title: Stoners Can Be Dicks

Hickory Dickory Dock

The Mouse Smoked All The Pot

The Cheetos Are Gone

Isn’t That Such A Crock?

—–

Title: Pigs Are Smarter According To Whom

—–

Title: Your Gym Membership’s First Month Is Free When You Sign Up Today

Some Guys Have A Six Pack

Some Have Four

I Have A Twenty Four Pack

Resting In

The Refrigerator Door

—–

Title: A Democracy Is Better Than An Omniscient God

—–

Title: Why Is Affordable Health Care So Un-affordable?

I Scratch And I Scribble

This Poem That Is Nothing But Dribble

—–

Title: Ode To Short Celebrities

Your Elevated Shoes

Do Nothing For Your Douchey Views

—–

Title: Women Logic

—–

Breaking Bad As Written By Edgar Allen Poe

Once upon a Sunday night, while I pondered channel surfing,
Over football, reruns, and 60 Minutes, Oh bore
In my seat, I nodded, nearly pondered a Tosh repeat
What was the answer, but a teacher dying of cancer
‘Tis can’t be entertaining,’ I muttered, ‘I will watch this one episode and nothing more.’

Ah, distinctly I was engrossed, this coward teacher host,
And his brother-in-law the DEA jerk
Whom he rode along on the meth bust, an undiscovered perk
Which sparked the idea for an empire desire
The angels name Jessie to help
Heisenberg here for evermore

At first the RV housed the cook
Tighty-whitey in the dessert, was the hook
It’s the purest of the pure, moving one rock at a time
Was not enough to pay the tough bill that the doctor’s inflict
On Heisenberg and nothing more

A finger lickin’ chicken came a knockin’
Knockin’ knockin on He Who Knocks Door
The money was flowing, as the meth was growing
Blue was the signature hue, that built the family vault
But only Flynn knew not the truth, his cereal spoon of youth
And Gus was in charge evermore

Until one fateful day, Gus was blown away
And Walt and Jessie fought, retiring to the car wash that he bought
Soon Mike was led astray, his men would get no pay
Cold, cold Todd would appear, and shoot a kid, oh dear
Causing Heisenberg to retire and nothing more

Complications would arise, much to everyone’s surprise
As Hank would die that day, and Walt would run away
Saul could not help, for his own spinoff show had been dealt
Jessie is captured and put in the ground to stay
While Todd looks like Matt Damon, evermore

Heinsberg doth Skyinsberg berate, what will be now be his fate
The show will come to a close, with Jessie and his broken nose
A Machine Gun and Ricin are the clue, graffiti on the wall in blue
All five seasons I did adore, although it probably could have ended in four

As I fear Heinsberg will be nevermore

Damn you Raven!

Philosophy Fueled By Sangria

How To Be A Sangria Philosopher:

Step One: Drink a lot of Sangria.

Step Two: Drink even more

Step Three: Grab a pen and paper before you pass out.

—–

The world is divided into two groups: the Haters and the Hated. Now if the Hated also turn into Haters, then  the world would essentially be full of Hated? Or would it be full of Haters? Or would there no longer be two groups, the Hated and Haters, and just one collective hashtag-hater-hates.

It’s hard to say.

It’s hard to think.

If all we do is hate, then we as a society will hate to be hated, thus fueling more hate upon the hated-haters.

Hashtag: Rock-n-Roll! Hashtag: Rick Rolled!

HAHAHAHAHa……..what?

Essentially what the world needs now, is love sweet love…papa was a rolling stone…

What the world needs to do is just love, man. Love.

I love you.

Does anybody even understand the lyrics to Champagne Super Nova anyway?!

What?

Oh yeah…the world needs to stop hating. It doesn’t matter if your black or white or ebony or ivory…Sister Christian, oh the time has come, don’t cha know that you’re the only one to say, ok.

Ok.

Because you’re motorin’.

Yeah…you’re motorin’!

That’s so deep, man! Think about it!

So, to sum it up….stop hating, even though Ebony and Ivory is sung by two legends doesn’t make it a great song, and Oasis and puppies are over-rated.

Peace. Must. Sleep. Now.

If Taylor Swift Wrote About Real Life

McDonald’s Story

Standing in line waiting to order a burger

Your register girl is slow like a tumor

She doesn’t even know what a number 2 combo is

A number 2 is

The next thing I know

A wet floor cone is on the floor

I see no spill

So I walk around it

Walk around it

Chorus 1:

I ordered a 10 piece

You gave me 9 pieces

Where’s my Bar-B-Que?

It doesn’t look like the picture

Is this even real cheese?

This is my McDonald’s story

 

I look at the fry carton, it’s only half full

Just ’cause I’m skinny

Doesn’t mean I don’t like french fries

I like french fries

The drive through is backed up

People are screaming

Problem is the manager is only 14

He is only 14

Chorus 2:

I ordered a 10 piece

You gave me 9 pieces

I ordered a milkshake

You gave me a smoothie

Ronald kind of scares me

This is my McDonald’s story

 

 

 

Long Awkward Pause – A New Adventure In Blogging

In lieu of reblog Thursday, I have some exciting news.

I’m announcing the birth of a new, exciting, epic, original, ingenious, bold, spicy, operatic, collaborative masterpiece:

Long Awkward Pause!

What is Long Awkward Pause you may ask…and even if you didn’t ask, you may ask after you recover from your excitement over this announcement.

(I will wait until you pick yourself up off the floor, dust your pants off, and compose yourself thus-ly.)

Long Awkward Pause is a humor magazine collaboration between myself, Blurt, B.L.O.G., Monk Monkey, and Ramblings Of An Apathetic Adult Baby. We will take reader submitted topics  and write about them either once or twice a month depending on schedule, earth rotation, Chick-fil-a openings, births, deaths, oil changes, and other such hazards of the blog world.

I’m really excited to work with these guys, and I hope you’ll be just as excited to read our stuff. And if your not excited, at least tell your friends how not excited you are about this site, and how they should check it out for themselves.

You can view  the site, here. Don’t forget to follow, pretty please. Currently the site is just featuring reblogs of us, the actual first post will be on or around Aug. 2nd. It’s a topic submitted by Jo Ellen of Two On A Rant and it’s a tasty one. Feel free to fill out the form on the about page and suggest your own musings.

For everyone who follows, you will receive one free email notification!

Happy 4th Of July, A Quick Ode To The Holiday

Happy 4th of July
Here’s hoping
You don’t shoot
A firework in your eye
And you keep
All your Limbs,
Fingers, and/or Toes
But if you should happen
To shoot a firework in your Eye
Or your Limbs,
Fingers, and/or Toes
Just remember
Your forefathers died
For your right
To be stupid

Raise a glass of Sangria and Happy 4th.

A Can Of Green Beans

Green Beans

Oh, Can Of Green Beans

How You Mock Me

With Your Green Beany-ness

With Your Label With Your Picture On It

Looking Delicious

However

I Do Like Wax Beans A Little Bit Better

Just So You Know!

To Be Honest

I Do Like You Mixed With Wax Beans

If Only The World Could Mix As Well

As You And Wax Beans

Then The World Would Be A Better Place

A Little Bit Of Green

A Little Bit Of Wax

No Cauliflower Though

That Stuff Is Nasty

Protected: I’d Pee Like A Girl For You – Yet Another Poem Of Love (+ Bonus)

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A Simple And Classy Love Poem

 

You can fart on me in bed

I don’t mind one bit

Just be mindful

That you don’t accidently

Take a shit