Tag Archives: scary

Not A Good Way To End The Year

3 Jan


The cigarette hung from his fingers of bone inches over the glass table top.  The smoke wisped into where ever smoke wisps too, just kind of up and gone. The hooded figure attached to the cigarette was slumped over slightly. His attire consisted of nothing but a single robe which hung slackly over his skeletal frame. The robe was old and a colorless gray. A heavy sigh was heard from inside the deep black hole where a rosy face should have been.

“Ok,” said a voice out of the left most darken corner in the room. “Let’s start from the beginning.”

The hooded figure sighed again, “How many times are we going to go over this?”

“As many times as it takes for me to get a story I believe.”

The  hand holding the cigarette raised from the table and disappeared into the nothingness of the face hole. Smoke billowed out, looking like some starless part of the galaxy that was on fire.

The voice from the corner spoke again, “Start from the beginning.”

“Of course,” said the robe with a smile. You couldn’t see his smile, but you sure could hear the smile. It was a blood curdling smile. A smile that many, many, people saw as the last thing they ever saw. A smile that stopped the blood flowing in ones veins. “I was making my rounds…”

“On what date was this?”

“It was on December 12th, 12:38 am  to be precise. I was assigned a Mr. Robert Hupert as my next collection. Mr. Hupert lived in the suburbs in a single story house. Nice lawn, well taken care of…I remember that. Anyway, easy stuff. I entered through the south wall and landed in the kitchen. It was a small kitchen. I was surprised as to how small it was…I don’t know why…you know, just compared to what the outside of the house looked like. Anyway, I was thirsty so I helped myself to a glass of water from the built in water dispenser in the door of the refrigerator. As with just about everyone’s refrigerator  in the world, pictures of what I assumed where the Grand-kids hung with those cheap fruit shaped magnets. A little boy was featured in one photograph, and a little girl in the other. The rest of the photos had them both in it, playing, laughing, hugging…it could have been any house in the world really…”

The Robbed Hood paused.

“Go on,” prodded the corner.

“Right. So I had a job to do and about seven others on my list for that evening. I admit I was in a hurry, but I’m pretty good at what I do. I have been doing it forever…literally forever. ”

Hood sneezed and a spider shot out from the black hole of his face, hit the table on it’s side. It recovered awkwardly and quickly, and then scampered away.

“Sorry,” he said and wiped his hole with the back of his cigarette holding sleeve. “So I head into Hupert’s bedroom where I expect him to be sleeping with  one of those CPAP machines attached to his face. I see a lot of CPAP machines anymore.”

“We don’t need to know that stuff, just stick to the relevant facts.”

“Hupert wasn’t asleep. He was awake.”


“He could see me,” said Hood. “He was looking right at me. I knew he could see me. His face was flush of color and he was shaking. He also pointed at me. His mouth was open and moving, but no sound was coming out. This is a look I’m only used to seeing when the collected are in their last seconds of life. I like to look into their eyes as the last bit of their soul leaves their bodies. The eyes lose their shine slowly, like a fading star until…pop…nothing. The eyes, after  they lose their soul mind you, remind me of rocks you find in a river bed; dull, lifeless, flatten, hard…but regardless…Hupert could definitely see me.

‘What do you want?’ Hupert asked me.

‘I’m here to collect you,’ I responded. ‘How can you see me?’

‘What do you mean?’ Hupert asked.

‘How can you see me?’ I asked again. ‘Normally you can’t see me until you are toting that fine line between this life and the next.’

‘I don’t understand what you just said, but why are you dressed like the Grim Reaper?’

‘Because,’ I said matter-of-factly, which is how I always talk. ‘I am the Grim Reaper.’

Hupert started to whimper, then he started to cry.

‘Why? Why me?’ he said.

It’s what they all say. If I had a nickel for every time I heard that question…

(I don’t know what I would do with it. I have no need for money. It would just be a big pile of nickels, I guess.)

‘Because, you have been ordered to be collected. I am never told why. I just collect.’

‘No, I’m way too young! I’m only 47! There has to be a mistake!’

If I had a quarter for every time I heard that this has to be a mistake…

(Again…just a big pile of wasted quarters.)

Hupert suddenly jumped out the window and ran down the street. I was stunned. That has never happened to me before. I didn’t know what to do. I just stood there for a moment. Then I headed back into the kitchen, got a beer and a slice of turkey from the fridge, and left.”

“You just left?” asked the corner in shock.

“Yeah,” replied the Reaper. “I just left.”

Some papers rustled from the darken unseen corner. “Do you know in the billion years we have been doing this, we have never had someone scheduled for collection just run away?! Not one! We have always collected! Our record, until now, has been 100% collected! What the hell where you thinking?!”

The Reaper sighed.

“I wasn’t,” he replied. “I was still in shock… he could see me.”

“Some special people can see you, like Mediums, Clairvoyants, Bakers, Priests…”


“I don’t know why, but yes, bakers,” boomed the corner as more papers were shuffled. “You’re fired.”

The Grim Reaper didn’t say anything. He had never been fired before, but of course this had been his one and only job ever.

“What about the quota?” asked the Grim Reaper.

The man from the darken corner stepped out of the shadows. He was wearing a white robe and had a long beard. In one hand he held a stack of official looking papers, in the other he stroked his beard. “We will just have to have a run on of ‘natural disasters’, the Midwest is due for a tornado, Japan needs another tsunami soon anyway. We will figure it out until we hire a suitable replacement. Not your concern.”

“Just don’t get Eligos. I hate that guy.”

“Not your concern.”

The Grim Reaper got up and grabbed his sickle…

“Leave the sickle,” said the Other.

The Grim Reaper got up, leaving his sickle, and walked out the door. Maybe he would go visit the tropics for awhile, have a vacation before deciding what to do with the rest of his eternity…maybe he would check out that restaurant on the fourth level of Hell that’s been getting all the rave reviews…

Maybe he would just seek out Hupert and kill him.

Do the job right.

Get his position back.

Maybe he would buy a puppy instead.

So many possibilities…

The Grim Reaper sighed to himself.

To be continued?

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26 Aug

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If Taylor Swift Wrote About Real Life

22 Jul

McDonald’s Story


Standing in line waiting to order a burger

Your register girl is slow like a tumor

She doesn’t even know what a number 2 combo is

A number 2 is

The next thing I know

A wet floor cone is on the floor

I see no spill

So I walk around it

Walk around it

Chorus 1:

I ordered a 10 piece
You gave me 9 pieces
Where’s my Bar-B-Que?
It doesn’t look like the picture
Is this even real cheese?
This is my McDonald’s story

I look at the fry carton, it’s only half full

Just ’cause I’m skinny

Doesn’t mean I don’t like french fries

I like french fries

The drive through is backed up

People are screaming

Problem is the manager is only 14

He is only 14

Chorus 2:

I ordered a 10 piece
You gave me 9 pieces
I ordered a milkshake
You gave me a smoothie
Ronald kind of scares me
This is my McDonald’s story

My Simplistic Review of Sharknado

14 Jul

Take a tornado…

Add sharks…

Inside of the tornado mind you…

And you have Sharknado!

It’s another one of Syfy channels, Oh-So-Bad-They-Have-To-Be-Watched movies following in the footsteps of such great classics:

Chupacabra Vs. The Almo
Flying Monkeys
12 Disasters of Christmas
Aladdin And The Death Lamp
Jersey Shore Shark Attack
Mega Python Vs Gatoroid

Those are 100%  honest to goodness real movies.

To start the movie off, after surfing for a millisecond Ian Ziering, of 90120 fame, has to warn people that the waters have become shark infested. No one listens, of course as the camera pans back and forth across a nice bikini clad bottom.  Then a shark bites his buddy on a jet ski, followed by a huge rain storm. During the storm the sharks are picked up out of the water and deposited into a nearby restaurant on the pier.

Some creative shark kills during the shark filled restaurant scene:

Pool stick through a shark’s head.
Bar stool to shark’s jaw.
Randomly stored explosive canister jammed into shark’s mouth and blown up.
Broken shark filled Ferris Wheel rolls off the hinges, chases everyone down the boardwalk, and finally crashes into a hotel.

Now it’s storming even harder and the coastal town is flooding. As the waters rise the streets become populated with all types of sharks.

Hammerhead Sharks…
Great White Sharks…
Mortgage Lenders…

Ian warns some stranded motorists of the shark filled streets, but nobody is listening to him today. They all get chomped into pieces by the never satisfied fishes. I think they were waiting on Luke Perry for confirmation. One of my favorite special effects is when they needed to drive through some waves to escape to higher ground and I swear they filmed someone flicking a hot wheel with their finger to achieve this dramatic shot.

I won’t give away the whole movie but here are some key moments to look forward to when you watch it with your loved ones:

Sharks being blown out of street manholes
Tara Reid’s bad acting
Trying to pull a guy from a Shark’s mouth by his feet
Sharks swimming in a living room
Shark period jokes
Completely flooded shark filled house…except the driveway where the escape car is sitting 
Ian stopping the car a lot to try to save random strangers and most of them not listening
Shark eating through the roof of a moving car
Random decapitated Shark heads in the street
An Australian with no Australian accent whats-so-ever, except he does say, “Mate” every time he opens his mouth
MacGuyver wheelbarrow weapons
Flying a helicopter through a Sharknado
Electrified Sharks 
Blowing up the Senior Citizen’s Shark infested pool
Sharks attacking a helicopter while in the air
Shark crashing through a billboard
Ian saying, “The waters are rising!” a lot
Chainsawing yourself out of a Shark while rescuing a girl from inside it’s belly* 
I give this movie a rating of 2988 of 3000 shark teeth.
*Greatest scene ever!

Thought For The World

14 Jul

Maybe if we stop fearing the differences between the races of the world and start celebrating the differences, then everyone can just relax and look at the bigger issues of this humble planet…like why are there no flying cars?

Frek In The Aftermath

28 Nov

If you’re new to Aftermath, you may catch up here, and here.


The birds flew overhead. They were a sight to see. Birds rarely flew anymore.

The groundchucks stopped their groundchuck business and looked to the sky to watch. Their furry front claws caked in dirt.

That’s when the boy, Frek struck the biggest groundchuck through the head with a spear.

The other groundchucks scattered. Frek quickly pounced on the mammal 3 times his 7 year old body’s size, and pulled out his knife. He expertly skinned and gutted the animal. Frek dug a hole in the ground and using a stick, stuck the poisonous organs in it. Then he quickly covered it up. The dirt pile steamed a little. The groundchuck skin he expertly draped over a small lean-to. He cut the meat into long strips and placed them on a stick to dry. Later he would salt and smoke them like jerky. It would be enough food to last a week if he rationed it right.

After they were dried and cooked,  Frek took just the tinniest of pieces to check the flavor. Beautiful!

Frek paused. Thoughts of his mother drifted through his head. He didn’t remember the last time he had seen her, but he could see the same image of her every time. Her lifting her head, blocking out the sun, her blonde hair bobbing slightly, a sly smile, and then…darkness. Her smile shifting into a frown, she is screaming something, pushing Frek down, covering him with her body.

Then ….blackness.




Frek eventually crawled out from beneath his mother’s lifeless body into a world that was no longer vibrant, no longer sunny, no longer living.

Just like his mother.

Frek cried a long time. A really long time. For days, maybe even weeks. Frek was pretty sure he was six when he started crying, and ended right before his seventh birthday. That was the day Frek gave up any chance of being a child, and turned into a man with a very very small, frail frame.

Frek shook the thoughts from his head. He needed to focus on the task at hand.

Frek had been careful to keep the smoke from his fire low, but he hadn’t been careful about getting lost in his memories, what little he had. A gloved hand quickly covered his mouth. It smelled of gasoline and dirt. An arm clasped around his all too skinny arms and pinned them to his sides. Suddenly the ground beneath his feet disappeared as Frek was hoisted in the air.

Frek went slack. It was the only defense mechanism he had.

“Oi,” laughed a gruff voice in his ear. “Dis one no put up a figh’ at all! It be like he be a lazy fish!”

Frek heard feigned laughter behind him, but he just kept his head down, and looked at his dangling feet and the rough cracked ground underneath. The soil was a mixed hue of grays and tans. Some cockroaches were sitting next to the fire, eyeing the meat. It almost looked like they were discussing how and when they were going to steal it. Frek took in every detail he could, because he was pretty sure this was his last day in the Aftermath…his last day on Earth.

The gruff man swung Frek around. Frek saw four sets of old rubbery oilman’s boots caked in mud.

“Dis one is already dead me thinks!” said Mr Gruff again. “And he be no meat on dees here bones! Boys, help ye’selves to the groundchuck! It smell good. Dee Chef says it’s done, me thinks! Don’tcha Chef?”

The gruff man shook Frek as if he was a rag doll.

“Aye, Chef’s a little quiet. C’mon little Chef…you don’t mind if me and my mates eat your groundchuck, do ya?”

Survival. Don’t speak. Don’t move. Don’t end up like the groundchuck. Frek killed them so easily because they are loud and animated. Frek was going to be the opposite, quiet and lifeless.

The Gruff guy squeezed Frek. Squeezed him hard. His ribs were on the verge of cracking. His face was slowly turning blue. Gruff lean into Frek’s ear and whispered, “If ye don’t say something…I’m gonna kill ye. Squeeze the life out of ye. Leave ye in a pile on the ground for the groundchucks and birds to pick at ye.”

His breath stank of rotten meat and death.

Frek felt pain on his left side as one of his brittle ribs gave way. A tear rolled down Frek’s cheek. Gruff kept squeezing. Another rib cracked. It was heard and felt. Gruff smiled.

Frek felt Gruff’s grip suddenly loosen and a loud noise zipped by his head. Gruff fell to his knees. Some sort of wet gooey substance matted Frek’s hair. He twisted out of the Gruff man’s slowly loosing grip and turned around. A smoky hole now was in the Gruff man’s head where it wasn’t before. Blood poured from it like a fountain. Frek reached up and felt the sticky blood in his hair. He turned to where he heard the sound come from, to see one of the booted gentleman holding a gun. Frek held his sides as the shock of being let go allowed his crack rib pain to take over. He fell to the ground.

The man holding the gun put it back in his holster. “Boy. We are going to eat your groundchuck. You need to find something to wrap your chest with…keep it tight. We will eat and leave. Then you are on your own.”

Frek laid in pain and watched the men devour the cooked groundchuck. They didn’t look at Frek, they didn’t offer him help, they didn’t offer explanations, and they didn’t even put out the fire when they left.

They just left.

Left Frek in the dirt.

Left Frek in pain.

Left Frek alone.

To survive in the Aftermath.

Some Fun Halloween Zombie Stuff You Need – Halloween 2012

31 Oct

Some Fun Halloween Zombie Stuff You Need

Zombie Bedding

Zombie Cookie Cutter

Zombie Cocktail

Zombie Spatula Hat (Because zombies love spatulas????)

Zombie Popcorn Bucket

Zombie Attack Stroller

Zombie Bottle Opener

Zombie Teapot (British zombies drink tea.)

Zombie Lawn Gnomes

Zombie Shoes

Zombie Doorstop

Zombie Self Promotion (Which you can buy on Zazzle)

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17 Oct

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Protected: The P.E.T.Z Comes Knocking At My Door Pt 2

18 Jul

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Protected: The P.E.T.Z Comes Knocking At My Door Pt 1

16 Jul

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