Questions For Guadeloupe

I work with this lovely young woman named Guadeloupe. Whenever I run into her, I like to ask her a random questions. When I do this, she always stops, looks at me funny, and says,

“You ask the weirdest questions!”

Then she thinks a moment, and answers my question!

It’s hilarious.

(Sometimes the questions spark debate amoungst other coworkers. That’s even more hilarious!)

Here are some of the questions I have asked of her:

If you were reincarnated, would you rather come back as a bowl or a plate?

Would you like to star in your own novel about horses?

Which is larger…sliced bread or toast? Remember this could be a trick question!

Do you think candlelight is more romantic at 8 o’clock or 8:15?

If you were stuck watching one TV show for the rest of your life, you would rather watch a show about camels or dwarfs? You must pick one. And why?

Which spice would be the toughest in a fight, cayenne or curry?

If it’s true that the Freaks come out at night, what do you think they do in the day? Besides sleep?

Do you think that Hakuna Matata did indeed become a passing craze?

Would you bail the Easter Bunny out of a jail if he asked you too? How about his cousin?

Which finger would be cooler to have a cell phone implanted into too…the pointer or the pinkie?

If you were stuck in the middle of the ocean, with no food or water, on a raft made of Cheez-it crackers, would you be tempted to eat it?

If you lived in an animated world,  would  you feel handicapped by the fact you now have only four fingers instead of five? What if you had yellow skin?

If ponies ruled the world, do think oats and barley would be as popular as Italian food?

If penguins and ostriches went to High School together, do you think they would make fun of each other?

Thank you, Guadeloupe for always being a good sport.

Time Travelling Zombies Vs The Dinosaurs

If you are unfamiliar with SyFy Channels brand of movies, check out this post: My Simplistic Review of Sharknado.

If you don’t feel like clicking the link, and I know that you don’t…basically in a nutshell, SciFy Channels movies are weird, low budget, campy, and silly.

In other words: perfect.

Here is a short list of some of their offerings:

Alien Apocalypse

Rage of the Yeti

Dinoshark

Jersey Shore Shark Attack

Sharktopus

SO with that in mind, here are two movie concepts I would like to pitch to the SyFy channel.

Movie Concept Numero Uno:

Act I

The year is 3013 and Zombies have taken over the planet Earth. Only a few hundred uninfected humans are left including the evil Dr. Richard Dicks. The evil Dr. Richard Dicks has been building a time machine, unsuccessfully mind you, for the last twenty years. His plan is to go back in time before the Zombie Apocalypse and become rich off the stock market as inspired by the movie Back To The Future 2. Franklin Shallow and the Shallow Freedom Fighters learn of the evil Dr. Dicks plan and formulate a plan of their own to stop him. Franklin Shallow and the Shallow Freedom Fighters execute their plan in the middle of the night and everything goes wrong! As Franklin and the evil Dr. Dicks fight in hand to hand combat they accidentally start the untested Time Machine. Suddenly hordes of Zombies that have been kept at bay by the evil Dr. Dicks security systems break through and start eating all the Freedom Fighters and the evil Dr. Dicks evil Henchmen. As the zombies descend on Franklin Shallow and the evil Dr. Dicks, the Time Machine emits an eerie bright light and sucks all the Zombies into it, along with Franklin and the evil Dr. Dicks.

Act II

The Zombies, Franklin, and the evil Dr. Dicks find themselves back in time in the land of dinosaurs. The Zombies start attacking the dinosaurs. The big dinosaurs like the Brontosaurs and the T-Rex easily step and crush the Zombies, but the smaller Dinosaurs, like the  Compsognathus and the Velociraptor fall victim to the zombie’s bite and become Zombie Dinosaurs. Franklin and the evil Dr. Dicks realize they need to work together, along with the bigger dinosaurs to stop the Zombies and the Zombie Dinosaurs before the time line is drastically changed and man would cease to exist.

Movie Concept Numero B:

Crazy Grandma

The Stickman’s are an ordinary family. The family consists of Mom Stickman, Dad Stickman, Brother Stickman, Baby Stickman, and Grandma Stickman. Grandma Stickman often feels left out and ridiculed by the family.  The Stickman’s don’t mean to make Grandma feel this way, it just sort of happens. One Saturday night the Stickman’s decide to go out to their favorite fancy restaurant, The Olive Garden.  During the family’s fifth serving of the Never Ending Pasta Bowl Promotion, Grandma Stickman starts chocking on a meatball. The Stickman’s not realizing the severity of Grandma’s chocking start laughing and pointing at her. Not until Grandma starts turning blue does the Olive Garden waiter rush to her aid and applies the Heimlich Maneuver. Grandma passes out for a brief moment and goes to Hell. During her visit to Hell the Devil gives her special powers and super strength. When Grandma comes too, she goes on a rampage and kills everyone in the Olive Garden. She kills the Stickman’s by hanging them from the ceiling with Spaghetti. Then Grandma starts her killing spree through the small town with various funny one liners and new and crazy inventive killings.

Grandma Stickman is finally stopped by the Local Sheriff and the Local Demonologist in a show down that involves Ben Gay Ointment, Bingo Cards, and a car whose left blinker light has been on for the last seven miles.

It’s The Simpson’s

I live in the land of theme parks, and that land is named: Orlando.

One of the new big things that has come this summer is The Transformers ride to Universal Studios.

Bumblebee impersonating Tony Hawk.

It’s a pretty good ride. I even liked it when it was called Spiderman.

Spider-Man impersonating Tony Hawk trying to hold in a poo.

I know not everyone has made it down to Universal Studios Florida, so the joke there is that they are basically the same ride with different themes.

I’m actually more excited about something different that has come to Universal Studios and that is: Springfield!

They have had a Simpson’s ride for a couple of years and it is really good (and different from Spiderman/Transformers), and also the Kwik-E-Mart. When the ride first came, they turned a couple of the local 7/11s here into Kwik-E-Marts where they sold Buzz Cola, Krusty O’s, Pink Doughnuts, and Squishees.

To that ride, Universal has added Moe’s Tavern, Krusty Burger, The Frying Dutchman, Luigi’s, Duff Brewery, Lard Lad, and Android’s Dungeon. As well as a couple show themed places, which I don’t think where in the show itself, Cleatus’ Chicken Shack and Bumblebee Man’s Tacos.

You can correct me if I’m wrong.

I’m kind of weird about the show anyway. I’m actually not that big of fan. However, I think Homer Simpson is one of the best characters ever created. I’m a huge Homer fan. I even have a life size cardboard cutout of Homer that watches over the kids in our game room.

My my my my Homa…Kids you need to stop playing video games and go outside…but not too far outside…

For those who are not visiting me anytime soon, let me take you on a brief tour of the come-to-life Springfield.

Android’s Dungeon is actually not a comic book store but a bathroom. Kind of disappointing, but Comic Book Man did take a piss next to me when I used the facilities.

This is Moe’s and yes it is a real bar.

While we were waiting for Moe’s to open at 10:30 am…yes, you read that right…everyone would come to the door and take this picture. So the wife had too as well. I don’t think the tourists knew this was an actual real bar.

Sitting at the bar. The Flaming Moe is actually nonalcoholic. They put dry ice in the bottom of the drink to make it smoke. It tastes like orange soda. You can also get Duff, Duff Light, and Buzz Cola here.

The Flaming Moe up close.

Some more view of the inside of the bar. The guy in the picture works at the Frying Dutchman.

What could almost top Moe’s? Krusty Burger of course!

I don’t know what the special sauce is, but when they offer it, don’t turn it down. Get extra. On the side. It’s messy. Delish! Look closely at the paper lining the basket. This is the real deal.

Duff Brewery is going to be an outdoor bar. In addition to the other fine Duff products, it will also offer Duff Dark. It wasn’t open the day I was there, but it is now.

I don’t know if Lard Lad will be selling donuts, but you can find pink donuts the size of your head at Kwik-E-Mart.

The Air Vent

(This is fiction.)

I was 6, my brother was 10, and we had the whole house to ourselves. Grandma and Mom were at the restaurant getting it ready for the morning crowd. The crowd wasn’t very large, maybe 10 to 15 people at the most, but it was enough to keep the business alive. Those who came, came for the biscuits and gravy.  Grandma was known for her famous biscuits and gravy in at least a three county radius.

We would have about 4 hours in between being checked on through the day to fill with whatever adventures I would device for us to do. The restaurant was just a stone’s throw away from the house so we could not get to crazy.  My brother being the oldest was in charge of me, and I being of little attention span was in charge of figuring out what we were going to do that day. Luckily my brother was game for whatever I could come up with, even if that meant being Barbie’s best friend for an hour.

The house was old, with creaky wooden floors and yellowing wallpaper peeling at the corners. Grandma was frugal with the air conditioning, so the house would heat up slowly throughout the day. She seemed to have it down to a science when to pop the air conditioner on the give just enough relief to the dwellers as to not turn them into melted pools of human laziness. In the older houses the air vents were in the floors as oppose to the ceilings of modern structures. The air would kick on with a ticking noise, and then a grunt from the house as if it was so inconvenienced by the thought of cooling off it’s occupants.  Then with a strong whoosh the floor would blow sweet cooling relief strong enough (in a 6 year old’s mind) to float on to the heavens.

We would grab one of Grandma’s good top sheets from the bed whenever we hear the telltale ticking and run to the nearest vent. My brother and I would duck ourselves under the sheet, holding all four corners down between us as the air would start it’s travel from unknown origins of the inner house workings and into our sheet. The sheet would fill with air encasing us in some sort of air igloo. Our skin would goose bump with the cool air and I would watch the sheet rise as it filled. We had about 10 minutes to cool down and exchange stories in our air tent. My brother’s would always be about pirates or dragons or cars, typical boy stuff. Mine would be about princesses, my future jobs, and how to care and raise unicorns. We would listen to each other’s stories with faked interest if we had too. That was the number one rule of the air tent. No fighting. We couldn’t waste the time with fighting.

I loved the days of staying at my Grandma’s. It felt like we had a freedom there not afforded to most kids our age. I was allowed to let my imagination take over and fill our days with adventures and games.

When we got older, Grandma sold the restaurant when her old bones wouldn’t let her stir the batter to make those famous tri-county  biscuits anymore. My brother and I stopped playing in the air vents eventually. Now when we would visit Grandma we would sit at the dinning room table with the adults and listen to adult topics like changing car batteries, the weather, and stories of the restaurant regulars.

However, whenever the air would kick on in the house, I would look at my brother, and he at me, and we would smile.

If Taylor Swift Wrote About Real Life

McDonald’s Story

Standing in line waiting to order a burger

Your register girl is slow like a tumor

She doesn’t even know what a number 2 combo is

A number 2 is

The next thing I know

A wet floor cone is on the floor

I see no spill

So I walk around it

Walk around it

Chorus 1:

I ordered a 10 piece

You gave me 9 pieces

Where’s my Bar-B-Que?

It doesn’t look like the picture

Is this even real cheese?

This is my McDonald’s story

 

I look at the fry carton, it’s only half full

Just ’cause I’m skinny

Doesn’t mean I don’t like french fries

I like french fries

The drive through is backed up

People are screaming

Problem is the manager is only 14

He is only 14

Chorus 2:

I ordered a 10 piece

You gave me 9 pieces

I ordered a milkshake

You gave me a smoothie

Ronald kind of scares me

This is my McDonald’s story

 

 

 

Age and Gender Appropriate

On Thursdays we reblog here. Every Thursday…well most Thursdays. Some Thursdays we forget because…well…we are stupid. Today’s reblog is also about some stupid stuff. But it’s funny stupid stuff…which is what we like.

I don’t know why I used ‘we’ like Gollum when it’s just ‘I”.

Precious.

Enjoy.

High School Reunion Unchained Pt. Two

At some point while in that first year of High School, I realized  High School  wasn’t really working for me.

But there was really nothing I could do about it, because…

well…

I was me.

Things changed when I met Mike. Mike was  our High School’s version of a network guy before there were really network guys in the world. He gathered together a group of us that were not really popular, but were not quite unpopular either. Guys that just liked to hang out and talk about girls and other stuff…but I forget what that other stuff was…

…because we mostly talked about girls.

I still felt awkward in my new circle of friends, but what was nice, was…I could be myself. No matter what, I wasn’t pressured to do anything I didn’t want to do, or be anyone I wasn’t.

And things started turning around. Not because I was any less of a nerd, or awkward, or girlfriendless…but I had a little more confidence.

Around this same time, I also got a job at Wendy’s…which Mike may or may not have had a hand in…I don’t remember. This particular Wendy’s had a lot of people my age working in it. I really enjoyed it, and had a lot of fun.

I remember my first day, wearing my teal and white striped 1800’s looking ice cream shirt, with my stupid flat cap, and my clean and starched apron. My first task was to clean behind the frosty machine. I really wanted to impress the manager, a really thin woman with a lesbian haircut and thick glasses. I spent my time, trying to impress her by cleaning the walls, scrubbing hard, really making it shine. Only to be told, I was taking too long and I need to speed things up…go wash the pots and pans. I did this task much faster, since I cleaned the frosty machine wall way too slow, only to be told: I need to take slow down and do a more thorough job.

The thing I most took away from that first day was:

I need to find a happy medium in the speed I work at and Lesbians confuse and fascinate me.

Which is still true to this day.

I worked there for a year and a little more.

Some other cool things that happened at Wendy’s:

1) I met Rob, who introduced me to alternative music, back before it was labled alternative music.

2) I learned that female coworkers and doing inventory in the dry storage shed led to some really fun times.

3) I found out I was really good at the job, but not in the sense that I was good at working at a Wendy’s, but that I could probably go far in any career I undertook.

4) And once again, I could be myself.

I dropped the drama group (part one reference) and took up journalism. That went much better. I have written about it before, it’s in the archives somewhere on this site, but I don’t know where. It’s not worth digging for, it basically just says: I joined journalism class, didn’t do well until they gave up and let me write what I want, then I did well, and after High School I stopped writing for a long time.

So, in case you forgot (before this got lengthy and off subject), I was debating going to my High School Reunion.

The conclusion that I have come to from all of this nonsense rambling is:

That I would rather go to a Wendy’s reunion.

The Shamrock Shake Debate

Klout seems to think I’m a big fan of McDonald’s.

This is the second time they have sent me free McDonald’s money based on my influence on talking about McDonald’s on the web.

A couple of things here to point out here before we continue:

1) I’m not exactly sure what Klout is, or what it means. I don’t understand  my Klout score and if it’s good, bad, or indifferent. I do know they will send me free stuff every once in awhile based on the things I talk about. They once sent me this great pizza cutter:

I love this pizza cutter! It’s not as blurry in real life.

2) I don’t think I talk about McDonald’s a lot. I’m actually not a big fan of McDonald’s. In Orlando we have a lot of McDonald’s including the World’s Biggest McDonald’s, several fancy Cafe McDonald’s, and a couple of McDonald’s in the shape of the food they serve. They are fun to walk into from the outside, but I’m always a little disappointed when I get inside and it looks like a regular McDonald’s, and not the inside of a giant french fry. I would really like to eat inside of a giant french fry.

On Klout’s defense I was talking about the Shamrock Shake since it’s March and all, which is the only time you can get a Shamrock Shake. I always remember the Shamrock Shake tasting better than it actually does. I think the entire McDonald’s menu is based on this premise. In fact, the Shamrock Shake tastes like toothpaste swirled into a vanillia milkshake.

Yet I get excited about it’s limited appearance, but I think that’s more to do with other people’s excitement over it’s limited appearance.

You have to supply your own toothbrush

When I saw the Shamrock Shake sightings on Facebook, I went to get my own.

Currently McD’s is hawking a new product called McFish Bites.

Little balls of fish, or could be actually fish balls. Who knows?

Think Chicken McNuggets, but with fish. Also think about not getting them, they were disgusting…especially paired with a Shamrock Shake.

My stomach felt really gurgly for a long time after eating this deadly combo. In my defense, McDonald’s was advertising this pair. I’m a sucker for the featured item at any restaurant.

I got side tracked.

Sorry.

So Klout emails me with the news of free McDonald’s money. It will be in the form of a gift card with a picture of Ronald McDonald on it.

I’m afraid of clowns that raise my cholesterol.

I’m looking at Ronald there, and I’m thinking; “What happened to the rest of the McDonald characters?”

Class of ’84

There was the Hamburglar, Mayor McCheese, the Fry Guys, Grimace, Officer Big Mac, and others whom I forget their names.

What happened to these guys? They just disappeared! One day they were featured in every McDonald’s commercial and on my cookies in my Happy Meal, and the next…poof! Vanished! Gone!

Corporate kill off, I believe.

Now that I look at that picture with Hamburglar, he does look really scary. I’m not sure who the pirate is, or who the bald headed professor munchkin is either, but they both look a little scary as well. The giant hamburger heads and the purple blob guy could be conceived as scary as well.

Maybe that’s why they disappeared. Maybe all of out childhood and adult nightmares steem from the McDonald characters.

I don’t know.

I might get a Shamrock Shake and ponder it some more.

Reblog Thursday Pt 25

Just another Reblog Thursday…ohhh…oooo (sung to Manic Monday or You Give Love A Bad Name…you choose) The title of this piece could be about medieval chastity devices or one evil cashier at a Steak N Shake…you choose.

pelicanfreak

Today we ate at Steak N Shake.

Upon checking out, my card was swiped and I was told I was all set. There was no option to fill out my receipt and add a tip – simply a closed out order. I asked the cashier, Jackie where I should write in the tip, she replied that this was impossible because she had already closed out the transaction. I told her to fix it then, because who was she to block Anastasia from her tips? And how long was this going on? How many servers in this crappy litter diner are being screwed out of their pay because Jackie doesn’t feel like adding tips onto their open checks?! Jackie replies, “Well you didn’t ask me if you could leave a tip.” I pointed out that this was a restaurant and typically people leave tips. In a situation where you have to…

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Some 2013 Oscar Nominees That They Had To Cut Out Of The Show

Since the Oscar’s were shown on TV last night, we are able to proudly reveal some of the winners that didn’t make it on air.

Best Second Unit Director:

Marty Scramps for Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.

The Second Unit Director is the unsung hero of the First Unit Director which is the unsung hero of the Director. Marty won for his 3 second shot of Abraham Lincoln’s childhood home. It took Marty close to seven hours to set up the scene and against all odds of union breaks and a light wind, he was able to deliver some of the most beautiful exterior house shots ever recorded.

Best Caterer:

Sal’s Hollywood Sandwiches And Fried Fish Balls for American Reunion

Sal’s is a relative newcomer to the Hollywood landscape bringing his special blend of hot and cold loose meat sandwiches paired with balls of fried fish innerards. Sal’s piece-de-resistance that earned him his Oscar is the Chipotle Salmon and Sauerkraut Fried Fish Balls.

Best Props Master:

Tina Rickles for Red Dawn

Tina won for her controversial choice of using a P90 Combination Lock on the Prop Shed over the traditional 86 C Padmaster Combination Lock. This bold move changed nothing for the movie but enabled Tina to get a 3 figure endorsement deal.

Best Armourer:

Albert Smithy for Red Dawn

Red Dawn takes another one for Best Armourer or Best Person Who Knows About Guns And Weapons And Stuff. Albert introduced some sort of long rifle gun that looked pretty cool and of course several of those rapid fire short bad guy guns too.

Best Greensman:

Bud Budsman for Brave
Normally a Greensman handles plants and trees for live action movies, but the scenery was so impressive on this computer animated cartoon that the award goes to the guy who waters the plants in Bob Iger’s office, who is the head of Disney.

Best Boom Operator:

John Strickman for 21 Jump Street

This is the guy that swings that big drop down microphone just out of reach of the camera’s eye. You would think that they could just get a robot or something to do this, but no…it’s still a union job. This is a hard category to vote on since everyone pretty much does the same adequate job…so it usually goes to the snappiest dresser.

Best Best Boy Grip:

Nicole Johns for Safe House

Normally this is not an Oscar winning category, but since the position is called: Best Boy Grip, someone pointed out that it would be funny to have a Best Best Boy Grip. Because then you can say best twice and snicker. Then someone else said it would be funny to make a woman win the Best Best Boy Grip. Nicole won because she was the only woman Best Boy Grip.

Best Limo Driver:

Jake “The Demon” Cutford for Battleship

Jake “The Demon” Cutford successfully drove a cranky Liam Neeson to the set of Battleship for 4 months without one accident or speeding ticket…but then again, so did all the limo drivers. Basically all the driver’s names are put into a hat and the winner is randomly drawn.

Best Personal Assistant To A Celebrity:

Shasha Binker for Resident Evil Retribution

Shasha is the Personal Assistant to Michelle Rodriguez and had to endure a gruelling six month shoot of hearing, “I’m more talented than this movie!” and “I wish I lasted longer on LOST!” Shasha is a new comer to the Personal Assistant business and graduated from London’s prestigious Snooty Butler Academy.

We ran out of room to tell you about the other winners, but they include the following categories:

Best Nipple Tweaker
Best Proof Reader
Best Entourage
Best Yes Man
Best Over Actor Male
Best Over Actor Female
Best Actor You Know From That TV Show Who Made A Two Second Appearance In The Movie But You Can’t Remember Their Name Or The Name Of The TV Show
Best Movie Trailer (In A Theater)
Best Movie Trailer (For An Actor To Live In Temporarily While Shooting The Movie)
Best Oscar Parody (Not even nominated.)