Everyone Has An Amazon Best Seller But Me

When you immerse yourself into this WordPress cult, er..culture, suddenly every one you know has an Amazon Best Seller book to their credit.

I don’t have an Amazon Best Seller book to my credit.

I would like one…however that would require writing a book. I have put together some semblance of a book, but it currently sits in pieces between the apps/programs of Evernote, Microsoft Word, and Jotterpad X…like some century old Romans rushed in, tied it together and quartered it with their horses before galloping off to get Eggnog shakes from McDonalds. Jokes on you, century old Romans, the Shamrock shake should be available soon, and it’s a much, much, better choice in the shake-mosphere.

I do however have one published story, and one rejection letter:

Well you know what? Heads Will Roll is a damn fine story. Maybe you don’t like zombies Mr. Jonathan Starke, but don’t tell me about my time, effort, passion, and energy that I put into that story when you don’t know! Especially since I put no time or effort into it, AND I probably ate three packages of Brown Sugar Cinnamon Pop Tarts while writing it, dribbling Pop Tart crumbs onto the keyboard in the process. I probably also drank/drunk several Coke Zeros too. Most likely I put more effort, passion, and energy into burping Brown Sugar Cinnamon slash Coke Zero fumes at the dog, who would in protest open it’s mouth and snap it shut over the invisible pungent odor surrounding it’s small stupid cranium.

And explain to me what  ‘festive pursuits’ means? This sounds like it  might put me in a Dr. Seuss inspired world.

Christopher McManus McBean De Voss

Often found himself at a loss

Which would make he proclaim,

“Gadzooks!”

Then decorate the town,

In his festive pursuits

Palooka is a dumb name for a magazine anyway.

While browsing my WordPress reader, I soon noticed just how many people that I associate with, either regularly or occasionally, have published books. (That sentence needs more commas. It’s like more cowbell, but for literary buffs. )

For example:

Carrie Ruben has a book that another friend of mine recommended that I read.  Imagine my friend’s surprise when I said, “Hey, guess what…I know Carrie!”  I looked really cool. Rodney Lacroix has two books and is in the process of writing six more…this week.

Marc Schuster has also written a couple of books either by himself or with other people, AND on top of that, he teaches other people how to write more better…I have not taken his course. It seems like my friends Maddie Cochere and Kayla Lords are always publishing something new.

I don’t read her, but apparently she is the quintessential name in blogging, The Bloggess has a book, and from the reviews it looks pretty funny…and might feature dead stuffed rodents. Don’t quote me on that, I’m just guessing from the cover. The Hook, who has written a book, recently featured this guy, Tom Lucas on his site. Guess what ol’ Tom did? Tom wrote a book.

(On a side note…Dear Mr. The Hook…For some reason my WordPress reader likes to unfollow you randomly…so if you were ever wondering why I follow and unfollow you a lot, it’s not me. Some one doesn’t want us to be together. WordPress Reader is being a dick.)

Ned Hickson is a real life journalist who happens to have a real life published book. Yay Ned!

Looking at my fellow Pausers; Jack is trying to get funding for his finished book on Kickstarter, and Justin Gawel revealed to me over lunch at Dick’s Last Resort that he is putting the finishing touches on his novella. Monk Monkey’s best friend, who shall remain nameless due to his request, also has several published books.

What is the point of this you ask? Why are you rambling about all that?

Just write a book already, you say?

I am, so get off my back.

I am announcing that I am currently in the process of putting the final touches on my brand new, multi-chapter….

Coloring Book!

Shut up! It still counts as a book.

Look for it on the Amazon Best Seller list soon.

It will probably be along the same lines as this one:

The Hand Turkey Jive

Who decided that this:

Would make a good representation of this:

Even if you did this to it:

It still doesn’t look like this:

It’s as if you would have to break your fingers before you trace them in order to get something close:

This:

If you flip it upside down:

Wouldn’t you agree…makes a better this:

See?

Happy Thanksgiving:

My Simplistic Review Of How to Blog for Profit by Ruth Soukup

I subscribe to BookBub, and what BookBub does is send you emails when there are discounted ebooks on Amazon. You can set up the categories you’re interested in like Fiction, Non-Fiction, Historical, Poetry, Horror, Zombie Horror, De Voss, etc., and everyday you will receive an email with anywhere between 2 to 8 different ebooks ranging in price from free to usually no more than $5.

Monday’s email featured the ebook, How to Blog for Profit by Ruth Soukup. It normally costs $4.99 but was on sale for $.99. I usually just stick to the free zombie books, but due to recent life altering events, it seemed like it was a sign for me to buy.

I’m not expecting to make money off of this blog. I think the other blog I’m part of has a chance to make a couple of pennies. It has a lot of talented writers behind it. I’m not one of them, but I can ride coattails really well.

I mean I can really cling…like balled up saran wrap…

I’m just happy they include me because I kind of bring the intelligence quotient down over there, but every village has to have an idiot.

I bought the book for the marketing chapters, but decided to read it from cover to cover. It basically starts off from the aspect that you do not have a blog…

or you have a blog but don’t know what to do with it…

or you have a blog and you have about three readers…

two of them being your pet cats and the other your weird Uncle Stan…

or you saw my blog and thought;

“What? Do they give these blog things to any idiot who knows 23 of the 26 letters of the alphabet?”

Yes. Yes they do…and they are free…and you only need to know fifteen letters as long as ‘E’ is one of them.

My favorite advice from the book is, and I’m paraphrasing here; “If you want a great blog, have great content.”

Which is like saying; “If you want to win the sporting event you’re playing, score more than the other team.”

Or

“If you want to win the war, have your side die less.”

Or

“If you want to be a millionaire, get a million dollars.”

Side Note: I would like a million dollars.

What I read of the book isn’t bad, I’m not putting it down the ideas in it, but…

Hello!

Now, to be fair to the book, so far I have only read two chapters.

But the other thing that kind of hit me in the face like a dead sea bass wearing a hulu skirt was this paraphrased statement,

Side Note: I just looked up what paraphrased means, so I’m planning on using it a lot.

“You need a clear direction. Randomness will turn off your readership.”

Well…that chaps both of my blogs like the inside of a slightly overweight teenage girl’s sweaty thigh on the 4th of July while waiting for Junior Barnes from down the street, who promised to kiss her during the finale of the Farmer’s Day  Firework Spectacular, but has yet to show up…and it’s getting close to finale time…and now she is suspecting that he just said that…and that he had no intention of kissing her during the finale or at any time of her life…which is really sad because she has liked Junior Barnes since Kindergarten when he first fell over a block tower she was making and he started to cry of embarrassment…but she didn’t think it was embarrassing, she thought he was cute.

Side Note: I tend to be random.

Ruth Soukup writes a blog about being thrifty while maintaining a family and a room full of assistants to help her maintain her blog.

Side Note: I want a room full of assistants to help me with my blog.

I think this book is more geared to help craft or recipe or mommy bloggers. There are a lot of those type of blogs out there, and I guess they are easier to sponsor since they are so specific in their content.

I personally read blogs that make me laugh or are random like mine.

So are random blogs marketable?

Probably…not.

I’m sure the rest of the book is very helpful, I’ll let you know when I find time to finish reading it, or my randomness gets sponsored.

.

Several Really Short Stupid Poems

Title: Sure, But I’m Not Dancing With Your Uncle That Was Just Released From Prison

—–

Title: Stoners Can Be Dicks

Hickory Dickory Dock

The Mouse Smoked All The Pot

The Cheetos Are Gone

Isn’t That Such A Crock?

—–

Title: Pigs Are Smarter According To Whom

—–

Title: Your Gym Membership’s First Month Is Free When You Sign Up Today

Some Guys Have A Six Pack

Some Have Four

I Have A Twenty Four Pack

Resting In

The Refrigerator Door

—–

Title: A Democracy Is Better Than An Omniscient God

—–

Title: Why Is Affordable Health Care So Un-affordable?

I Scratch And I Scribble

This Poem That Is Nothing But Dribble

—–

Title: Ode To Short Celebrities

Your Elevated Shoes

Do Nothing For Your Douchey Views

—–

Title: Women Logic

—–

A Lesson In Dutch Pronunciation

My Brother….

Posted this on Facebook…

With this caption….

Ha ha ha! Clever!

Then this happened:

This was just a play on words, right?

A joke you know…

Yes?

Hello?!

Oh really…uh huh…yes…yes…interesting…zzzzzzz…..

This still works, right? Is it still funny?

Huh, Dutch boy?

Oh…good call!

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Some Skits Found While Digging In The Garage (Part Three…and final…unless I find more)

Part One is here.

Part Two is here.

Reminders:

Side Note: While reading these, picture them being performed. (Especially this one.) It will be funnier.

Side Note 2: These are old.

Side Note 3: These will be funnier if you’re drunk. Our audience was usually drunk.

Side Note 4: This was my favorite one, and hardest skit to execute.

Skit Number Three:

Way Of The World

Setting: A typical talk show set with six chairs. The Host sits on the far right chair.

Bester: Hello! I’m your host Bester Casterbester, and welcome to another fascinating edition of: Way Of The World. Tonight’s second look into the week long series: “People Who Ask Questions…And The People Who Answer Them” concludes tonight. Let’s meet tonight’s panel starting on my left; Mr Dean Lowe…

Lowe: ( Nods)

Bester: …Mr. Steve Goodnfast…

Goodnfast: (Nods)

Bester: …Mr. Juice Tunney…

Tunney: (Nods)

Bester: …Mr. Ronald Clump…

Clump: (Nods)

Bester: …And in the very last chair, a bowl of Franks-n-Beans. Welcome Gentlemen.

All: Thank you.

Bester: First, Mr. Dean Lowe, a Presidential Adviser, who claims; Ask him any question, and he won’t know the answer. How are you doing tonight, sir?

Lowe: (Pauses, looks confused.) I…I…I don’t know.

Bester: Oh, I get it. I asked you a question, didn’t I?

Lowe: I…I’m not sure.

Bester: (In a half joking manner.) I see. This is going to get us nowhere really fast, isn’t it?

Lowe: I don’t know.

Bester: So let’s meet Mr. Steve Goodnfast, who works in an Information Booth in the mall. He claims to answer questions five minutes after they have been asked.

Goodnfast: Good evening.

Bester: When did you first discover this strange way of answering questions?

Goodnfast: (Sits there and says nothing.)

Bester: Mr. Goodnfast? Mr. Goodnfast? Let me repeat the question. When did you first discover this strange way of answering questions?

Goodnfast: (Sits there and says nothing.)

Bester: Oh yes. We must wait on his answer. I forgot. (turning to Lowe) This is going to be rough, isn’t it?

Lowe: I don’t know.

Goodnfast: Sometime when I was about three, I think.

Bester: What? Oh, oh yes. Mr. Goodnfast has finally answered my previous question from before. Do you find people get easily upset with you, Mr. Goodnfast?

Goodnfast: (Sits there and says nothing.)

Bester: Well, it looks like we have to wait again. Let’s meet Mr. Juice Tunney, a grade school teacher, who answers questions before they are asked, but always gets them wrong. Interesting…let me ask you this…

Tunney: (interrupting) By spanking my bare bottom with ham salad.

Bester: How did your parents try to help you through school? Oh, he has already answered…

Goodnfast: Yes, very easily…for I’m always behind in the conversation.

Bester: I’m sorry Mr. Goodnfast. What did you say?

Goodnfast: (says nothing)

Bester: (Turns to Lowe) What did he say?

Lowe: I don’t know.

Bester: Mr. Tunney, did…

Tunney: He said; ‘Shave off all my chest hair and make meatloaf out of it.

Bester: Never mind. We are almost out of time. Let’s meet our panel member, Mr. Ronald Clump, a psychiatrist from Brooklyn, who answers questions by asking questions. Sorry about all the madness.

Clump: Oh, it’s quite alright.

Bester: Are you sure?

Clump: Are you not?

Bester: Why did you just ask that?

Clump: What are you implying?

Bester: Nothing. I was just…

Goodnfast: I said; Yes, very easily…I’m always behind in the conversations.

Bester: What? Oh, wait! Forget I said that. Mr. Tunney…

Tunney: Stick my fingers up my nose and blow really hard.

Bester: But that doesn’t make asny sense to me asking you, how you survive in the work place. Never mind! (In a half turn to Mr. Lowe) How did I ever get myself into this?

Lowe: I don’t know.

Bester: Shut up! Don’t you know anything?! (jumps up)

Lowe: I…I’m not sure.

Bester: I’m sure we are out of time, and I am almost out of my mind. I’d like to thank each one of the panel members for coming here, and hope…

Tunney: If the plane of penguins arrives without landing on my bellybutton.

Bester: …we can invite them back someday?

Lowe: I don’t know.

Goodnfast: I said, easily I’m always behind in conversations. I’m not repeating it again.

Clump: When?

Bester: When what?

Clump: When do you want me back?

Bester: Why did you ask me that just now?

Clump: What…change your mind?

Bester: Just what is your major malfunction?!

Clump: Tell me what’s really bothering you?

Bester: Be quiet! All of you! I’ve had enough! I’m Bester Casterbester. Join us on Way of the World next week when our panel will consist of: People Who Have No Feet, But Still Insist On Wearing Shoes. Goodnight!

(Bester leaves immediately, and everyone else shuffles out behind him except Goodnfast, who is still sitting down. Clump grabs the bowl of Franks-n-beans and eats them on the way out.)

Goodnfast: I’d love to come back…

(Enter into next skit with Goodnfast still sitting in his seat. Change scene accordingly.)

The Air Vent

(This is fiction.)

I was 6, my brother was 10, and we had the whole house to ourselves. Grandma and Mom were at the restaurant getting it ready for the morning crowd. The crowd wasn’t very large, maybe 10 to 15 people at the most, but it was enough to keep the business alive. Those who came, came for the biscuits and gravy.  Grandma was known for her famous biscuits and gravy in at least a three county radius.

We would have about 4 hours in between being checked on through the day to fill with whatever adventures I would device for us to do. The restaurant was just a stone’s throw away from the house so we could not get to crazy.  My brother being the oldest was in charge of me, and I being of little attention span was in charge of figuring out what we were going to do that day. Luckily my brother was game for whatever I could come up with, even if that meant being Barbie’s best friend for an hour.

The house was old, with creaky wooden floors and yellowing wallpaper peeling at the corners. Grandma was frugal with the air conditioning, so the house would heat up slowly throughout the day. She seemed to have it down to a science when to pop the air conditioner on the give just enough relief to the dwellers as to not turn them into melted pools of human laziness. In the older houses the air vents were in the floors as oppose to the ceilings of modern structures. The air would kick on with a ticking noise, and then a grunt from the house as if it was so inconvenienced by the thought of cooling off it’s occupants.  Then with a strong whoosh the floor would blow sweet cooling relief strong enough (in a 6 year old’s mind) to float on to the heavens.

We would grab one of Grandma’s good top sheets from the bed whenever we hear the telltale ticking and run to the nearest vent. My brother and I would duck ourselves under the sheet, holding all four corners down between us as the air would start it’s travel from unknown origins of the inner house workings and into our sheet. The sheet would fill with air encasing us in some sort of air igloo. Our skin would goose bump with the cool air and I would watch the sheet rise as it filled. We had about 10 minutes to cool down and exchange stories in our air tent. My brother’s would always be about pirates or dragons or cars, typical boy stuff. Mine would be about princesses, my future jobs, and how to care and raise unicorns. We would listen to each other’s stories with faked interest if we had too. That was the number one rule of the air tent. No fighting. We couldn’t waste the time with fighting.

I loved the days of staying at my Grandma’s. It felt like we had a freedom there not afforded to most kids our age. I was allowed to let my imagination take over and fill our days with adventures and games.

When we got older, Grandma sold the restaurant when her old bones wouldn’t let her stir the batter to make those famous tri-county  biscuits anymore. My brother and I stopped playing in the air vents eventually. Now when we would visit Grandma we would sit at the dinning room table with the adults and listen to adult topics like changing car batteries, the weather, and stories of the restaurant regulars.

However, whenever the air would kick on in the house, I would look at my brother, and he at me, and we would smile.

Long Awkward Pause – A New Adventure In Blogging

In lieu of reblog Thursday, I have some exciting news.

I’m announcing the birth of a new, exciting, epic, original, ingenious, bold, spicy, operatic, collaborative masterpiece:

Long Awkward Pause!

What is Long Awkward Pause you may ask…and even if you didn’t ask, you may ask after you recover from your excitement over this announcement.

(I will wait until you pick yourself up off the floor, dust your pants off, and compose yourself thus-ly.)

Long Awkward Pause is a humor magazine collaboration between myself, Blurt, B.L.O.G., Monk Monkey, and Ramblings Of An Apathetic Adult Baby. We will take reader submitted topics  and write about them either once or twice a month depending on schedule, earth rotation, Chick-fil-a openings, births, deaths, oil changes, and other such hazards of the blog world.

I’m really excited to work with these guys, and I hope you’ll be just as excited to read our stuff. And if your not excited, at least tell your friends how not excited you are about this site, and how they should check it out for themselves.

You can view  the site, here. Don’t forget to follow, pretty please. Currently the site is just featuring reblogs of us, the actual first post will be on or around Aug. 2nd. It’s a topic submitted by Jo Ellen of Two On A Rant and it’s a tasty one. Feel free to fill out the form on the about page and suggest your own musings.

For everyone who follows, you will receive one free email notification!

My Simplistic Review of Sharknado

Take a tornado…

Add sharks…

Inside of the tornado mind you…

And you have Sharknado!

It’s another one of Syfy channels, Oh-So-Bad-They-Have-To-Be-Watched movies following in the footsteps of such great classics:

Chupacabra Vs. The Almo

Flying Monkeys

12 Disasters of Christmas

Aladdin And The Death Lamp

Arachnoquake

Jersey Shore Shark Attack

Piranhaconda

Mega Python Vs Gatoroid

Sharktopus

 

Those are 100%  honest to goodness real movies.

To start the movie off, after surfing for a millisecond Ian Ziering, of 90120 fame, has to warn people that the waters have become shark infested. No one listens, of course as the camera pans back and forth across a nice bikini clad bottom.  Then a shark bites his buddy on a jet ski, followed by a huge rain storm. During the storm the sharks are picked up out of the water and deposited into a nearby restaurant on the pier.

Some creative shark kills during the shark filled restaurant scene:

Pool stick through a shark’s head.

Bar stool to shark’s jaw.

Randomly stored explosive canister jammed into shark’s mouth and blown up.

Broken shark filled Ferris Wheel rolls off the hinges, chases everyone down the boardwalk, and finally crashes into a hotel.

Now it’s storming even harder and the coastal town is flooding. As the waters rise the streets become populated with all types of sharks.

Hammerhead Sharks…

Great White Sharks…

Mortgage Lenders…

 

Ian warns some stranded motorists of the shark filled streets, but nobody is listening to him today. They all get chomped into pieces by the never satisfied fishes. I think they were waiting on Luke Perry for confirmation. One of my favorite special effects is when they needed to drive through some waves to escape to higher ground and I swear they filmed someone flicking a hot wheel with their finger to achieve this dramatic shot.

I won’t give away the whole movie but here are some key moments to look forward to when you watch it with your loved ones:

Sharks being blown out of street manholes

Tara Reid’s bad acting

Trying to pull a guy from a Shark’s mouth by his feet

Sharks swimming in a living room

Shark period jokes

Completely flooded shark filled house…except the driveway where the escape car is sitting 

Ian stopping the car a lot to try to save random strangers and most of them not listening

Shark eating through the roof of a moving car

Random decapitated Shark heads in the street

An Australian with no Australian accent whats-so-ever, except he does say, “Mate” every time he opens his mouth

MacGuyver wheelbarrow weapons

Flying a helicopter through a Sharknado

Electrified Sharks 

Blowing up the Senior Citizen’s Shark infested pool

Sharks attacking a helicopter while in the air

Shark crashing through a billboard

Ian saying, “The waters are rising!” a lot

Chainsawing yourself out of a Shark while rescuing a girl from inside it’s belly* 

 

 

I give this movie a rating of 2988 of 3000 shark teeth.

 

*Greatest scene ever!