Tag Archives: movies

Grandma De Voss Finds Some Old Movie Posters

6 Jan

Grandma De Voss was up in her attic again, cleaning. The last time she sent me some books. This time she found some old movie posters from the around the 40’s, 50’s, and 60’s. I thought they might look good on the loft wall.

fatdress

plotdoesnt

overcompensate

scentedcandles

niceboobs

Thanks Grandma!

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Time Travelling Zombies Vs The Dinosaurs

7 Oct

If you are unfamiliar with SyFy Channels brand of movies, check out this post: My Simplistic Review of Sharknado.

If you don’t feel like clicking the link, and I know that you don’t…basically in a nutshell, SciFy Channels movies are weird, low budget, campy, and silly.

In other words: perfect.

Here is a short list of some of their offerings:

Alien Apocalypse
Rage of the Yeti
Dinoshark
Jersey Shore Shark Attack
Sharktopus

SO with that in mind, here are two movie concepts I would like to pitch to the SyFy channel.

Movie Concept Numero Uno:

Time Travelling Zombies Vs The Dinosaurs

Act I

The year is 3013 and Zombies have taken over the planet Earth. Only a few hundred uninfected humans are left including the evil Dr. Richard Dicks. The evil Dr. Richard Dicks has been building a time machine, unsuccessfully mind you, for the last twenty years. His plan is to go back in time before the Zombie Apocalypse and become rich off the stock market as inspired by the movie Back To The Future 2. Franklin Shallow and the Shallow Freedom Fighters learn of the evil Dr. Dicks plan and formulate a plan of their own to stop him. Franklin Shallow and the Shallow Freedom Fighters execute their plan in the middle of the night and everything goes wrong! As Franklin and the evil Dr. Dicks fight in hand to hand combat they accidentally start the untested Time Machine. Suddenly hordes of Zombies that have been kept at bay by the evil Dr. Dicks security systems break through and start eating all the Freedom Fighters and the evil Dr. Dicks evil Henchmen. As the zombies descend on Franklin Shallow and the evil Dr. Dicks, the Time Machine emits an eerie bright light and sucks all the Zombies into it, along with Franklin and the evil Dr. Dicks.

Act II

The Zombies, Franklin, and the evil Dr. Dicks find themselves back in time in the land of dinosaurs. The Zombies start attacking the dinosaurs. The big dinosaurs like the Brontosaurs and the T-Rex easily step and crush the Zombies, but the smaller Dinosaurs, like the  Compsognathus and the Velociraptor fall victim to the zombie’s bite and become Zombie Dinosaurs. Franklin and the evil Dr. Dicks realize they need to work together, along with the bigger dinosaurs to stop the Zombies and the Zombie Dinosaurs before the time line is drastically changed and man would cease to exist.

Movie Concept Numero B:

Crazy Grandma

The Stickman’s are an ordinary family. The family consists of Mom Stickman, Dad Stickman, Brother Stickman, Baby Stickman, and Grandma Stickman. Grandma Stickman often feels left out and ridiculed by the family.  The Stickman’s don’t mean to make Grandma feel this way, it just sort of happens. One Saturday night the Stickman’s decide to go out to their favorite fancy restaurant, The Olive Garden.  During the family’s fifth serving of the Never Ending Pasta Bowl Promotion, Grandma Stickman starts chocking on a meatball. The Stickman’s not realizing the severity of Grandma’s chocking start laughing and pointing at her. Not until Grandma starts turning blue does the Olive Garden waiter rush to her aid and applies the Heimlich Maneuver. Grandma passes out for a brief moment and goes to Hell. During her visit to Hell the Devil gives her special powers and super strength. When Grandma comes too, she goes on a rampage and kills everyone in the Olive Garden. She kills the Stickman’s by hanging them from the ceiling with Spaghetti. Then Grandma starts her killing spree through the small town with various funny one liners and new and crazy inventive killings.

Grandma Stickman is finally stopped by the Local Sheriff and the Local Demonologist in a show down that involves Ben Gay Ointment, Bingo Cards, and a car whose left blinker light has been on for the last seven miles.

The Action Hero Lists

5 Aug
Action Heroes Favorite Weapons…
1) Guns
2) Knives
3) Humor
4) Dynamite/bombs
5) Box Office Receipts 
 
Why Action Heroes Would Not Make Good Car Wash Attendants… 
1) They tend to crash cars
2) They tend to blow up buildings
3) They tend to not hold jobs long
4) They tend to blow up cars too
5) They tend to hate their boss
 
Top 5 Animals Action Heroes Hate…
1) Snakes
2) Sharks
3) John Malkovich
4) Walruses 
5) Dogs
 
Things Action Heroes Like To Jump…
1) Cars
2) Bodies of Water
3) Canyons
4) The Leading Lady
5) Buildings
 
Songs Action Hero Like To Listen To…
1) Jump – Van Halen
2) Grenade – Bruno Mars
3) Cuts Like A Knife – Bryan Adams
4) Anything by Guns And Roses
5) We Don’t Need Another Hero – Tina Turner
 
Best Action Hero Choices…
1) Bruce Willis
2) Arnold Schwarzenegger
3) Harrison Ford
4) Steven McQueen
5) The Rock
 
Worst Action Hero Choices…
1) W.C. Fields
2) Bill Gates
3) The Drummer From Def Leppard
4) Grumpy Cat (from the internet)
5) Pee Wee Herman
 
A Sampling* Of The Best Action Movies…
1) Die Hard
2) Speed
3) Enter The Dragon
4) The Matrix
5) Terminator 2
 
Games Action Heroes Like To Play…
1) Risk
2) Solitaire
3) Hide And Go Seek
4) Beer Pong
5) London Bridges
 
A Sampling Of The Worst Action Movies (but you’ll watch them anyway)…
1) Point Break
2) Face/Off
3) Spider-man 3
4) Howard the Duck
5) Sharknado
 
Best Action Hero One Liners….
1) Yippie Ki Yay Mother Fucker! – Die Hard
2) Say Hello to my little friend!  – Scarface
3) I’ve come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass…and I’m all out of bubble gum! – They Live
4) Hasta-la-vista baby! – The Terminator
5) Always bet on black! – Passenger 57
 
Worst Alarm Clock Sounds For An Action Hero…
1) Bombs
2) Fresh Prince Of Bel Air Theme Song
3) Bad Guy Explaining His Plans
4) 60 Minutes TV Show Clock Ticking
5) Samuel L. Jackson Reading Dr. Suess’ Hop On Pop
 
Why I Would Not Make A Good Action Hero….
1) I don’t look good in a wife beater
2) I can’t decide on a cool looking logo
3) I’m lazy
4) My catch phrase is, “I don’t know, what do you want to do?”
5) I need to eat. You never see action heroes eat.
 
*I said sampling, I did not mean these were the only ones!
 
 
 
 

Long Awkward Pause – A New Adventure In Blogging

18 Jul

In lieu of reblog Thursday, I have some exciting news.

I’m announcing the birth of a new, exciting, epic, original, ingenious, bold, spicy, operatic, collaborative masterpiece:

Long Awkward Pause!

What is Long Awkward Pause you may ask…and even if you didn’t ask, you may ask after you recover from your excitement over this announcement.

(I will wait until you pick yourself up off the floor, dust your pants off, and compose yourself thus-ly.)

Long Awkward Pause is a humor magazine collaboration between myself, Blurt, B.L.O.G., Monk Monkey, and Ramblings Of An Apathetic Adult Baby. We will take reader submitted topics  and write about them either once or twice a month depending on schedule, earth rotation, Chick-fil-a openings, births, deaths, oil changes, and other such hazards of the blog world.

I’m really excited to work with these guys, and I hope you’ll be just as excited to read our stuff. And if your not excited, at least tell your friends how not excited you are about this site, and how they should check it out for themselves.

You can view  the site, here. Don’t forget to follow, pretty please. Currently the site is just featuring reblogs of us, the actual first post will be on or around Aug. 2nd. It’s a topic submitted by Jo Ellen of Two On A Rant and it’s a tasty one. Feel free to fill out the form on the about page and suggest your own musings.

For everyone who follows, you will receive one free email notification!

awkward2

My Simplistic Review of Sharknado

14 Jul

Take a tornado…

Add sharks…

Inside of the tornado mind you…

And you have Sharknado!

It’s another one of Syfy channels, Oh-So-Bad-They-Have-To-Be-Watched movies following in the footsteps of such great classics:

Chupacabra Vs. The Almo
Flying Monkeys
12 Disasters of Christmas
Aladdin And The Death Lamp
Arachnoquake
Jersey Shore Shark Attack
Piranhaconda
Mega Python Vs Gatoroid
Sharktopus
 

Those are 100%  honest to goodness real movies.

To start the movie off, after surfing for a millisecond Ian Ziering, of 90120 fame, has to warn people that the waters have become shark infested. No one listens, of course as the camera pans back and forth across a nice bikini clad bottom.  Then a shark bites his buddy on a jet ski, followed by a huge rain storm. During the storm the sharks are picked up out of the water and deposited into a nearby restaurant on the pier.

Some creative shark kills during the shark filled restaurant scene:

Pool stick through a shark’s head.
Bar stool to shark’s jaw.
Randomly stored explosive canister jammed into shark’s mouth and blown up.
Broken shark filled Ferris Wheel rolls off the hinges, chases everyone down the boardwalk, and finally crashes into a hotel.

Now it’s storming even harder and the coastal town is flooding. As the waters rise the streets become populated with all types of sharks.

Hammerhead Sharks…
Great White Sharks…
Mortgage Lenders…
 

Ian warns some stranded motorists of the shark filled streets, but nobody is listening to him today. They all get chomped into pieces by the never satisfied fishes. I think they were waiting on Luke Perry for confirmation. One of my favorite special effects is when they needed to drive through some waves to escape to higher ground and I swear they filmed someone flicking a hot wheel with their finger to achieve this dramatic shot.

I won’t give away the whole movie but here are some key moments to look forward to when you watch it with your loved ones:

Sharks being blown out of street manholes
Tara Reid’s bad acting
Trying to pull a guy from a Shark’s mouth by his feet
Sharks swimming in a living room
Shark period jokes
Completely flooded shark filled house…except the driveway where the escape car is sitting 
Ian stopping the car a lot to try to save random strangers and most of them not listening
Shark eating through the roof of a moving car
Random decapitated Shark heads in the street
An Australian with no Australian accent whats-so-ever, except he does say, “Mate” every time he opens his mouth
MacGuyver wheelbarrow weapons
Flying a helicopter through a Sharknado
Electrified Sharks 
Blowing up the Senior Citizen’s Shark infested pool
Sharks attacking a helicopter while in the air
Shark crashing through a billboard
Ian saying, “The waters are rising!” a lot
Chainsawing yourself out of a Shark while rescuing a girl from inside it’s belly* 
 
 
I give this movie a rating of 2988 of 3000 shark teeth.
 
*Greatest scene ever!
 

The Robots And The Writer

8 Jul

The Robots just suddenly arrived.

They landed on Earth in droves, tall…about 8 or 9 feet in height, dirty metallic bodies, 3 wheeled tank like contraptions on their legs for movement, 3 tentacle-like arms with 6 tentacle-like appendages and on each one, claw like hands and fingers.

They came and they conquered. They conquered in a mere 72 hours.

The entire world in only 72 hours.

After they conquered and killed all the leaders of the world, they kind of left everyone else alone.

Sort of.

The robots made everyone stay inside their dwellings whether it be a fancy million dollar home, an apartment complex, or  a hobo’s cardboard box. It had been about two weeks of the house arrest.

Twice  food rations were left on the doorstep. Apparently the Robots thought our diet consisted of nothing but Spaghetti-o’s. TV was cut down to one channel that just played the same five movies over and over; A Christmas Story, Groundhog Day, Porky’s 3, Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure, and Casino. No one could make heads or tails of the selections or whether their was a theme or message to them. Some thought it might be a some secret symbol of the robots intent. Radio was down to one frequency, 104.1 FM. This station only played Frank Sinatra, but luckily it was his whole catalog and not just five select songs like the TV.

The internet, shut down.

After pretty much everyone in the world could quote Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure from start to finish, an announcement came over the TV and Radio:

“Greetings, people of Planet 279. You will be hearing this broadcast in your native language since you choose to complicate your race with such nonsense as separate languages. Tomorrow will begin your sorting. I will assume, you 279ings do not know what a sorting is, so I will explain. Each one of you will be individually interviewed on your worth to this planet and to us, your new masters. If your skills are deemed worthy, you will live to serve us. If your skills are deemed inadequate, you will be killed on the spot. We have already eradicated Rappers, Weather Men, Fruit Snack Packers, Walmart Customer Service Employees, Mark Zuckerburg, and Network TV Executives.   One of our kind will be knocking on your door sometime between 8 am and 5 pm to begin your evaluation. That reminds me, we need to add all cable installers to the inadequate list. Do not try to run. Do not try to resist. Do not try to fight. Do try to cooperate. Do try to answer the questions truthfully. And if you are deemed unworthy, do try to die quickly and without crying. That is all.”

And then Casino started playing on the TV again.

I was a novelist. I don’t know what Robots would want a novelist for…especially based on their taste of movies, but I couldn’t give up hope. There had to be a place for someone with my skill set for them. I didn’t have to write novels, I could write about anything…be a reporter, keep records, or something. My youngest daughter, who was 6, pulled on my pants.

“Daddy, I’m scared!” she said with big teary eyes.

“Oh,” I said as I brushed her long blonde bangs out of her eyes and kissed her on the forehead. “Don’t be. Daddy will be okay.”

“But Daddy,” she responded, tears running down her cheeks. “Who will pack the Fruit Snacks now?”

I gave her a hug and said, “I don’t know, honey. I don’t know.”

—–

Eight AM came quickly the next day, and you could see the robots lining up along the suburban street. The had enough robots for one to stand outside each and every door, and at precisely 8, a unison single knock hit the aluminum doors, followed by a metallic warning;

“You have 30 seconds to answer your doors. 30, 29, 28, 27, 26….”

I opened the door. The faceless machine looked at me, and it pushed me aside as it bent it’s large frame down to fit through the opening. Once inside it said,

“Are you Planet 279 inhabitant also known as Frank Baum?”

“I am, and it’s called Earth, not Planet 279,” I responded weakly.

“What you know of as ‘Earth’ is no more. You are now an inhabitant of Planet 279. If you are deemed worthy of service you will be given a new name. Your new name will be 279.0943783749894590834590349.”

“Wow, I don’t know if I could remember all of that,” I said a little worried.

The robot responded, “It will be branded to your forehead. No worries.”

“Oh, great.”

The robot pulled out a clipboard. “Please answer these questions, briefly and completely or you will be eradicated. Please answer the questions truthfully or you will be eradicated. I will be monitoring your heart rate and your brain wave patterns. You will be recorded. Let us begin. For the official record, what is your Planet 279 name?”

“My Earth name or the bar code you just gave me?” I asked.

“You have not earned your worthiness, therefor you currently do not have your official citizenship of our planet. Your ‘Earth’ name please.”

“My name is Frank Baum.”

The Robot checked something off on it’s clipboard. “This is just for show by the way, it seems to make you Planet 279-ers feel more at ease. What is your current occupation?”

“I’m a novelist. I write books.”

The Robot put down the clipboard and raised what looked like a big scary laser gun.

“What is that for?!” I screamed.

“Eradication,” the robot replied.

“Why?! For being a novelist?! What the hell? Do you Robots not read? Or think that the people who will survive this won’t want to read?”

“You will be eradicated because all of the books have all ready been written,” the robot replied coldly.

“What?!” I laughed. “How can that be?!”

“Our writers have written all the books there ever will be, every subject has been written about. There is not a story that hasn’t been written that we already don’t have a book for.” The Robot raised it’s gun to my head.

“Wait!” I yelled. “How can you be so sure? What if I come up with a story that hasn’t been written yet. Then you have to keep me to write it for you.”

The Robot said and did nothing for a moment. “I will download all the books into my database. If you think you can come up with a story that I don’t have a book for, then you may live.”

The Robot raised one of it’s arms and shook for 30 seconds and then said, “Ready.”

“Ok,” I thought a moment. I had to come up with something incredibly wild and out there. “Do you have a book about an octopus with 6 dog’s heads that falls in love with a squirrel after terrorizing the citizens of Alabama?”

The Robot holds up a Kindle and says, ‘Yes.” On the Kindle is story entitled, ‘Bang The Squirrel Slowly.’

“I’ll be damned!” I said as the Robot raised his gun again. “Wait! Do you have a story about an octopus with 7 dog’s heads that falls in love with a squirrel after terrorizing the citizens of Japan?”

The Robot once again holds up the Kindle and displays: ‘Bang The Squirrel Slowly II: A 7 dog headed octopus falls for the orginal squirrels Japanese half sister.’

The robot raises it’s gun again. “It is futile. All books have been written except for 5. You will be eradicated.”

“Wait? What?” I stammer. “All but five? Originally you said all books have been written. Now your saying five haven’t. What five?”

The Robot lowers it’s gun. “The sacred five. They have been turned into movies. We show only the scared five on television.”

A dumb look has to cross my face. “Are you saying Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure is one of the sacred five?”

“Yes.”

“And there is no novel form of the movie?”

“Yes, only a screenplay. ”

I scratched my head, “Well then I’m your man to do that!”

The Robot raises his gun and fires. The laser hits me square in the chest knocking me back. I fall as I feel the burning of my heart and lungs inside my chest. I see the Robot standing over me. It bends over to my face. I can barely see it’s head as my eyes darken with death. I hear the robot say,

“We have already spared Steven King for that.”

~Fin~

—–

Editor’s Note:

I awoke from a horrible dream drenched in sweat and drool the other night. Of the dream I don’t remember, I only remember the echoing of these words as I arose from REM state, “We have already spared Steven King for that.”

Thus was the inspiration for that stupid story.

🙂

Why There Is No Post Today

20 Jun

I decided between wife, 4 kids, work, dog, The State of Florida, and my massive amount of debit, that I would go from posting 5 articles a week (Mon-Fri) to 3 articles a week (Mon/Wed/Fri).

Except…Today I got this in my email from Crackle:

Who doesn’t love a good, cheesy kung fu movie? Duh, everyone!

If your not familiar with Crackle, it’s like Netflixs…only it’s free and doesn’t have quite as big a selection as Netflixs.

This Fu-Zillo-Mation marathon is featuring one of my favorite movies of all time, Kung Fu Hustle. I won’t bore you with details, go watch it. It’s funny and Kung Fu-ey. Oh, and give it at least 20 minutes before turning it off. Trust me.

But what really caught my eye was this:

“Of course that is the one you would notice!” my wife yells at me from the background.

Striptease Samurais? Let’s open that link up, shall we?

How could the Academy over look this movie for best foreign film? Stupid Academy.

Naked attacking ninjas? Count me in.

But wait.

Before we waste an hour and seven minutes, twenty seconds of our life…let’s check out the comments section…just to make sure…

Yes, they are my friend. Yes they are.

So forgive me for cutting down my schedule and then not even following through with that…but I’m taking a day of to watch some quality cinema.

And I’ll see you…at the movies.

What?

Some TV show already ends with that line?

OK.

How about this…

And I’ll see you…at the movies…but if your a dude, you don’t have to leave a gay seat between us, I don’t care what people think…and if your my wife, I will fall asleep if it’s a chick flick because it was your turn to pick…and if your my wife and one of her friends…I get the middle seat.

*Spoiler Alert*

The final battle involves the hero and the villain throwing and blocking swords with their cleavage. You don’t have to say it…cinema excellence…I know!

The Avengers That Didn’t Get The Call

15 May

Just saw the movie, The Avengers with my sons. It was surprisingly good.

Side Note: Does every disaster/superhero/alien come to earth/Armageddon movie have to have a scene where people are running through a crowded street of parked cars that are being flipped over by lasers/creatures/unseen forces? Is that a contractual thing?

Anyway, here are some of the super heroes Nick Fury passed on in his recruiting drive to save the world:

Couch Potato Man
Can-Only-Talk-About-Legalizing-Marijuana Man
Quotes Family Guy Guy
The Human Spitball
Macgyver
Bloated Girl
Warning:Side Effects Man
Blackout Girl
Captain Morgan
Sarcastic Dude and Belittling Girl
Can’t-Find-My-Keys Man
Baba Booey
Douche Bag
Will Ferrel
McGruff the Crime Dog
Double D-Cups
Captain Stubing
Lick Windows Boy
The Human Centipede
The Grand Wizard
 Professor Dumbledore
MC Hammer and Can’t-Touch-This Boy
Hi Five Man
 

May the 4th Be With You – A Tribute To Some Of My Favorite Characters From Star Wars

4 May

May the 4th is an unofficial holiday to celebrate all things Star Wars. Just in case you are unfamiliar, May the 4th be with you is a pun of May the force be with you…which of course is a famous line from the films.

Being a huge Star Wars fan as a kid, I thought I would pay tribute to some of my favorite characters:

Han Solo was the ultimate hero. Reckless and cool, Solo got the girl and saved the universe.

Chewbacca was Han Solo’s copilot and faithful friend. He also had a funny side, which appeared several times throughout the movies.

R2-D2 and C3PO act as the film’s catalysis as they weave the universe and the Star Wars saga together from Darth Vader creating C3PO as a boy, to their help in destroying the Death Star.

Darth Maul, a great character that died way too soon.

The Stormtroopers – at first seem just a mindless, expendable army, but later you learn they are clones of Boba Fett.

Boba Fett a bounty hunter on the hunt after Han Solo. This character is iconic even though his part is relatively small. Many fans want a Boba Fett movie.

The Star Wars universe was populated with many creatures and is limitless in imagination.

The baddest of the bad, scariest of the scary…evil personified, Darth Vader!

Princess Leia, shown here in slave outfit. Jabba the Hut had her in his evil clutches as the princess distracts everyone to save Luke and ultimately herself.

Since Hollywood Is Out Of Ideas, Some Suggestions

15 Feb

I know your out of ideas Hollywood, so here are some original concepts for you to think about:

Title: Red Rover

Tag Line: In a small New England town, John comes back to visit after 28 years of exile. It’s time for John to face his demons. It all started off as an innocent game of Red Rover, Red Rover, and now has turned into a deadly game of send him right over!

 A Scene From The Movie: John wakes up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night. John hears voices of children chanting, “Red Rover, Red Rover.” (Think: Nightmare On Elm Street movies.) He looks out his window to sees an endless line of small little girls wearing dresses similar to Alice In Wonderland, (but dirty and torn) holding hands. They are lined up on the street and disappear into the horizon. One of the little girls looks up, right at John, and whispers, “Come out and playyyyy….Come out and playyyyy…”

Starring: Mark Walhberg, Niki Minaj, Edward Scissorhands, and one of the guys from Jackass movies.

———————————–

Title: Heads Up Seven Up

Tag Line: In a small New England town, John comes back to visit after 28 years of exile. It’s time for John to face his demons. In a deadly game of cat and mouse, will it be Heads Up…or Heads Off?

A Scene From The Movie: John goes to bed, suddenly we are in his dreams. John is dream walking in an old school building. He walks down the school hallway which seems to stretch on for miles and miles. A bright light is at the end of the hallway. John walks towards the light. The next thing we know, he is opening some random classroom door. We hear kids laughing from somewhere down the hallway. John pauses, looks down the hallway towards the laughter, and then proceeds into the classroom. John looks at the teacher’s desk. He sees a teacher sitting at the desk, and then the teacher turns into smoke and disappears. John slowly walks over to a desk and sits down. We see ghost children sit at the other desks. The teacher appears again and says, “Children you have been so good. We are going to play Heads Up, Seven Up. Everyone put your heads down.” John puts his head down. Suddenly a child is standing over him, holding a severed head and laughing.

Starring: Will Ferrell, Will Arnett, Will Smith, Susan Boyle, and Justin Bieber.

———————————–

Title: John Faces His Demons

Tag Line: In a small New England town, John comes back to visit after 28 years of exile. It’s time for John to face his demons.

A Scene From The Movie: John mostly walks around this small town facing his demons. (It’s an indie movie.)

Starring: The late Ronald Reagan, The late Jimmy Stuart, and the late Ryan Seacrest.