Throwing Long Awkward Pause Through Gizoogle

*Warning: Severe language used in the pursuit of comedy. Proceed at your own risk.*

Gizoogle is a web site that takes other web sites and turns them into something you might hear come out of Snoop Dog/Lion’s mouth. So I thought it would be funny to take the staff of Long Awkward Pause’s personal sites and throw them threw Gizoogle and see what spits out.

BrainRants

Original Post: Thanks For Nothing Congress

Nobody should be surprised that I’m so disgusted right now I could vomit.  A government shut down forced by two squabbling, childish, spoiled sides of what is supposed to be an elected body of our representatives.  In other words, they’re supposed to be looking out for our interests, not theirs.  Can they do this?  Apparently not.

Who am I blaming?

Gizoogle Version:

No Muthafucka should be surprised dat I’m so disgusted right now I could vomit.  A posse shut down forced by two squabbling, childish, spoiled sidez of what tha fuck is supposed ta be a erected body of our representatives.  In other lyrics, they’re supposed ta be lookin up fo’our interests, not theirs.  Can they do this?  Apparently not.

Dum diddy-dum, here I come biaaatch! Who tha fuck is I blaming?

Blogdramedy

Original Post: SHERLOCK REVEALED: A TICKLISH CONVERSATION WITH DOCTOR WATSON

I’ve been told I’m a good listener. Okay, maybe it was just that one time but you can’t unring a bell.

I’m taking that talent and mixing in a little helping of sly digs and satire to bring you a new recurring feature. It’s called “SIDE B – secretly taped interviews with celebrities of the moment.” Side A are the pre-approved, publicist-friendly interviews, which are totally boring and available on iTunes for 99 cents.

Here the microphone is hidden and the drinks are free.

Gizoogle Version:

I’ve been holla’d at I’m a phat listener n’ shit. Okay, maybe dat shiznit was just dat one time but you can’t unrin a funky-ass bell.

I’m takin dat talent n’ mixin up in a lil helpin of sly digs n’ satire ta brang you a freshly smoked up recurrin feature. It’s called “SIDE B – secretly taped rap battlez wit clownz of tha moment.” Side A is tha pre-approved, publicist-friendly rap battles, which is straight-up borin n’ available on iShit fo’ 99 cents.

Here tha microphone is hidden n’ tha dranks is free.

Mike Calahan’s B.L.O.G.

Original Version: To All Who Come To This Happy Place… Aaaarrrggh!

To All Who Come To This Happy Place… Aaaarrrggh!

Perhaps I’d been serenaded “The Ballad of Davy Crockett” once too often while still in the womb or maybe it was the steady diet of Donald Duck brand orange juice made with fruit concentrate that did it to me. Whatever the root cause, I was raised with an inherent love of all things Disney. To my sister and me, Disney cartoons and films were seen as the embodiment of all things good, they conveyed a world where things were safe, where good things happened to good people and where solutions to most of our problems were just a Sherman brothers song away. I believed that the Disney magic was real. Real, that is, until… that one day.

What happened that day, you ask?

Gizoogle Version:

To All Dum diddy-dum, here I come biaaatch! Who tha fuck Come To This Kool as fuck Place… Aaaarrrggh!

Perhaps I’d been serenaded “Da Ballad of Davy Crockett” once too often while still up in tha womb or maybe dat shiznit was tha steady diet of Dizzle Duck brand orange juice made wit fruit concentrate dat done did it ta mah dirty ass. Whatever tha root cause, I was raised wit a inherent ludd of all thangs Deez’nuts, n’ you can put dat on yo’ toast. To mah sista n’ me, Deez’nuts cartoons n’ films was peeped as tha embodiment of all thangs good, they conveyed a ghetto where thangs was safe, where phat thangs happened ta phat playas n’ where solutions ta most of our problems was just a Sherman brothers cold lil’ woo wop away. I believed dat tha Deez’nuts magic was real. It aint nuthin but tha nick nack patty wack, I still gots tha bigger sack. Real, dat is, until… dat one day.

What happened dat day, you ask?

Justin Gawel’s Ramblings From An Apathetic Adult Baby

Original Version: Other People’s Bodies: The Terrifying Frontier

*My deepest apologies to everyone.  I’ve been scrambling the last two weeks and haven’t posted.  Going forward, it looks like I’ll be contributing to ThoughtCatalog too, but I’ll be trying to post everything both here andthere.  Regardless, here or there, pants or no pants, I love you all.

One non-descript day you’re out on the street, sucking down a hot, tasty wiener with furious unchecked gusto. As your jaw unhinges like an anaconda to accommodate your fervent, uncurbed enthusiasm, you’re in paradise, never more certain of your identity and purpose.  But, like being hit by a runaway train, later that day you’re blindsided by a documentary on the processed meat industry and, just like that, you swear off hot dogs forever and an existential crisis ensues.

Gizoogle Version:

*My fuckin deepest apologies ta everyone.  I’ve been scramblin tha last two weeks n’ haven’t posted.  Goin forward, it be lookin like I’ll be contributin ta ThoughtCatalog too yo, but I’ll be tryin ta post every last muthafuckin thang both here n’ there.  Regardless, here or there, baggy-ass pants or no pants, I gots a straight-up boner fo’ y’all.

One non-descript dizzle you’re up on tha street, suckin down a hot, dirty wiener wit furious unchecked gusto fo’ realz. As yo’ jaw unhinges like a anaconda ta accommodate yo’ fervent, uncurbed enthusiasm, you’re up in paradise, never mo’ certain of yo’ identitizzle n’ purpose.  But, like bein hit by a runaway train, later dat dizzle you’re blindsided by a thugged-out documentary on tha processed meat industry and, just like that, you swear off bangin’ dawgs forever n’ a existential crisis ensues.

Monk Monkey

Original Version: Your fortune: Told!

Hereby forthwith thou shall see yon fortunes toldeth by thine stars unto me…

TAURUS
Act like a bull today. A big bull. A hot bull. A bull so steamy hot, melted butter would melt right off your back and drip to the floor. Perhaps a lovely maiden will come and lick the butter off the floor?

AQUARIUS
Get out of the aquarium and jump into your life! Today is the day to do great and wondrous things! Eat ten pringles in one go, roll a tomato down an incline, incline your head at a tomato…the opportunities are endless and the world is your oyster!

 Gizoogle Version:

Hereby forthwith thou shall peep yon fortunes holla’d ateth by thine stars unto me…

TAURUS
Act like a funky-ass bull todizzle. It make me wanna hollar playa! A big-ass bull fo’ realz. A bangin’ bull fo’ realz. A bull so steamy hot, melted butter would melt right off yo’ back n’ drip ta tha floor. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Perhaps a ghettofab maiden will come n’ lick tha butter off tha floor?

AQUARIUS
Git outta tha aquarium n’ jump tha fuck into yo’ game biaaatch! Todizzle is tha dizzle ta do pimped out n’ wondrous thangs muthafucka! Eat ten pringlez up in one go, roll a tomato down a incline, incline yo’ head at a tomato…the opportunitizzles is endless n’ tha ghetto is yo’ oysta son!

Cordella

Original Version: …The Time I was Chased by a Moose.

As a part of my recovery, it is very important for me to share, what life was like before, what it’s like now, and what I am hoping for in the future.  I am going to start with a little bit about what it was like. I’ve decided to keep it light, as my past few posts have been pretty heavy, keeping in mind that though the story might be funny, it’s a small piece of what brought me to my newfound sobriety. Here we go…

Once upon a time I had an idea…I know, not good. I decided, that after 2 1/2 years in AA and NA that I was cured of my alcoholism. Imagine that. I was cured y’all! I had graduated! I didn’t need no stinking recovery!!

Gizoogle Version:

As a part of mah recovery, it is straight-up blingin fo’ me ta share, what tha fuck game was like before, what tha fuck it’s like now, n’ what tha fuck I be hopin fo’ up in tha future.  I be goin ta start wit a lil bit bout what tha fuck dat shiznit was like. I’ve decided ta keep it light, as mah past few posts done been pretty heavy, keepin up in mind dat though tha rap might be funky, it’s a lil’ small-ass piece of what tha fuck brought me ta mah newfound sobriety yo. Here we go…

Back up in tha dizzle I had a idea…I know, not good. Y’all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! I be fly as a gangbangin’ falcon, soarin all up in tha sky dawwwwg! I decided, dat afta 2 1/2 muthafuckin years up in AA n’ NA dat I was cured of mah hittin tha brew like a muthafucka. Imagine dis shit. I was cured y’all! I had graduated hommie! I didn’t need no stinkin recovery!!

Omawarisan’s Blurt

Original Version: Wonder Woman’s Invisible Airplane – Ingeniously Ridiculous or Ridiculously Ingenious?

Stealth aircraft have been an important part of our military for years. Their invisibility to radar helps keep air crews safe;  that is very cool.

You’d have to say something if you saw this. (image via brick of the day.com)

–

I’m not sure how good being invisible to radar is for those of us flying commercial. Seeing and being seen is important for thousands of us every day as we fly on business or for vacations. Because people smarter than I am are on that issue, we don’t have a lot of problems with military stealth planes and other planes running afoul of one another.

Gizoogle Version:

Yo, stealth aircraft done been a blingin part of our military fo’ years. Their invisibilitizzle ta radar helps keep air crews safe;  dat is straight-up cool.

You’d gotta say suttin’ if you saw all dis bullshit. (image via brick of tha day.com)

–

I’m not shizzle how tha fuck phat bein invisible ta radar is fo’ dem of our asses flyin commercial. It aint nuthin but tha nick nack patty wack, I still gots tha bigger sack. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Seein n’ bein peeped is blingin fo’ thousandz of our asses every last muthafuckin dizzle as we fly on bidnizz or fo’ vacations. Because playas smarter than I be is on dat issue, our phat asses don’t gotz a shitload of problems wit military stealth planes n’ other planes hustlin afoul of one another.

Chowderhead

Original Version: Closing the Debate on Open Relationships

Last week a couple of friends and I got into a heated debate on the topic of Open Relationships.  And by “heated debate,” I mean “drunken melee involving projectile beer bottles, bawling/brawling girlfriends, whips and boomerangs, the police, and flying monkeys.”

PBS meets COPS meets Monty Python. 

But we’ll save that story for some other time.

“Yeah, he said the boomerang went that way.”

–

There was no real need for me to delve, but I love playing Devil’s Advocate. Anytime is a good time for a hearty bowl of philosophy soup.  However, my “scientific findings” from last Friday indicate that the generally conservative public thinks otherwise: the topic of Open Relationships really twists people’s guts.

Gizoogle Version:

Last week a cold-ass lil couple playaz n’ I gots tha fuck into a heated rap battle on tha topic of Open Relationships.  And by “heated debate,” I mean “drunken melee involvin projectile brew bottles, bawling/brawlin hoes, whips n’ boomerangs, tha police, n’ flyin monkeys.”

PBS meets COPS meets Monty Python. 

But we’ll save dat rap fo’ some other time.

“Yeah, da perved-out muthafucka holla’d tha boomerang went dat way.”

–

There was no real need fo’ me ta delve yo, but I gots a straight-up boner fo’ playin Devil’s Advocate fo’ realz. Anytime be a phat time fo’ a hearty bowl ofphilosophy soup.  But fuck dat shiznit yo, tha word on tha street is dat mah “scientistical findings” from last Fridizzle indicate dat tha generally conservatizzle hood be thinkin otherwise: tha topic of Open Relationships straight-up twists people’s guts.

Meet Christopher De Voss: Writer for Zombie Survival Crew

Once again it’s Thursday which means it’s a day of reblogging….but is it okay to reblog someone when they are talking about me? Of course it is!

cestlavie22

One thing I absolutely love about blogging is being exposed to new people. In the blogosphere you can meet all types of people who get a chance to do interesting things.

One thing my blogging buds might not know about me is I love Zombies. I am obsessed with the Walking Dead, I have seen most Zombie movies on the shelf and I am pretty sure I am a chick you would want with you if a Zombie Appocalypse hit.

In my blogging travels I ran across one of the writers for the “Zombie Survival Crew” and I just couldn’t pass up the chance to interview him and share with you what he had to say:

Interview with Christopher De Voss:

 

For those who don’t know, what is the general premise of “Zombie Survival Crew?”

 

The ZSC is a web site/club started by Juliette Terzieff. They specialize in…

View original post 699 more words

The world will be saved thanks to my friend’s lawn mowing in Atlanta

It’s Thursday. The day of reblogging. Living in Florida, lawn care is near and dear to everyone’s heart…except mine. I don’t care. I will live in an overgrown jungle of a yard, no problem. Sometimes if the grass is high enough I will mow a crop circle into it, then call all the neighborhood children around, and ask them if they have seen my fifth child Fredrick. Fredrick doesn’t really exist, but how we laugh at the thought of him being probed.

Ned's Blog

After years of creating ad campaigns for high-profile companies like Coca-Cola, a good friend of mine in Atlanta has decided to do what many successful advertising people do when they reach that point in their careers where they can simply LOOK at a new product and, without any hesitation whatsoever, begin to vomit:

And that, of course, is to go into the lawn care business.

Like some of history’s most successful entrepreneurs, Fred spent time studying his new market, its trends and the competition before assembling a detailed business plan, which he described as follows: “I bought a lawnmower.”

On the surface, this may not sound like much of a business plan. But as Fred pointed out, what sets him apart from other lawn care enterprises around Atlanta — aside from his limited grasp of Spanish — is the TYPE of mower and equipment he’s using. While other lawn care…

View original post 501 more words

Lessons I (Unintentionally) Learned from Disney Princesses

Hello Reblog Thursday. Oh, you Disney Princesses…you make every little girl want to be one of you and every little boy want to hook up with Jasmine. Snow White, you really need to work on the hairdo…perhaps something a little more with the times. I have a special place for Cinderella but I think Sleeping Beauty would be the best one to marry. You would have the most freedom to play video games, watch sports, and whatnot due to her chronic sleeping habits. I think Merida would be the worst due to her hair and hard to understand accent…and her love of haggis. Gross.

So Fetch Daily

As a youngster, I recall demanding to wear a big frilly dress and a princess tiara anywhere I went. For my birthday, I wanted a pink unicorn to match my pink poofy dress and rhinestone diadem. Where did all of these silly obsessions and my fascination with all things princess stem from? From Disney movies of course! All little girls (and some little boys) grow up watching Disney movies religiously. The Disney princess stories are romanticized versions of falling in love and living happily ever after. Children (and sometimes adults) wind up dreamily following along as the princesses are swept off of their feet by a knight in shining armor and showered in the kind of wardrobe makeovers that would make a grown woman jealous. Each Disney classic also had a moral to go along with all the love and fashion goodness, and along with a taste for frill I have…

View original post 611 more words

“Everyday Quotes” turn the mundane into art

It’s Thursday, time to shake out a reblog that’s been caught between the sheets. For this week’s reblog, I actually had this idea about a year ago, but I forgot I had this idea until I saw it in print on Era Magazine to which I immediately said, “Hey, that’s funny! Wait! I thought of that almost a year ago….crap!” So enjoy Era Magazine’s version of my idea, which to be fair, I never wrote down or told anyone.

Era Magazine

The trend of combining inspirational quotes floating over pretty vintage pictures is currently dominating Tumblr and Pinterest. Seems like there’s some magical quote to make you feel better about anything from being single to just being reckless and stupid. Artist Felicity Fenton puts her own spin on that trend by turning mundane phrases we’ve all uttered and spun them into art.

See the rest on her site!

View original post

So Here’s the Thing About Walking

It’s Thursday…there must be a reblog on the horizon…Now the fact that this post starts out with two out of three of my favorite things…zombies and Star Wars…may lead you to believe as to way this post made the cut today. You would be correct. Anyway, take a quick walk with this Maineiac (groan) and her foot doctor and see why putting one slightly shorter leg in front of the other might make you chuckle.

She's A Maineiac

If you ever happen to be strolling down a walking path in Maine and come across a limping, weeping, zombie Darth Vader, don’t be alarmed — it’s just me.

It all started a few years ago when my podiatrist pointed to the tiny stress fracture on my X-ray and said, “See this? When your foot comes down on the pavement, it cracks, just like a pretzel.”

“Okay. I guess that’s not good?” I asked.

“No.”

“But I was only walking.”

“Yeah.”

“So what you’re saying is…I can’t walk anymore?”

“Oh, no. You can walk. But…well, pretend my fingers are your toes,” she pressed her hand onto the table and made a loud cracking noise.

I blinked.

“Tell you what,” she peered over her glasses at me. “Just keep walking using this orthotic insert and we’ll see what happens.”

“What will happen?”

“Oh, nothing, if it doesn’t work, we’ll just cut open your ankle here…” she tapped her finger…

View original post 742 more words

Please Help Find Nichole

I Want To Ride 80’s Style

Reblog Thursday is upon us again. It only seems like a week ago it was Reblog Thursday…

Anyway, I can take both sides of the issue in this piece…you are missing the world with your head glued to the usually broken glass of your iphone 5, yet a lot of times the world ain’t all that exciting…you know…with everyones face glued to their broken glassed iphones.

Often if I’m not driving I take the opportunity to visit my Simpson’s Tapped Out town on my unbroken glassed Galaxy III phone even though I grew up listening to Dad’s AM light rock radio and figuring out landmarks along the way to Grandma’s house to know how soon we would get there.

By the way at the big rock that looks like a butt, means we are almost there…

HEY BEERGUT!!

I don’t know about these iPod’s and stuff.  What the hell ever happened to sitting in the car hour after hour as a kid and looking out the window?  Now the kids are all hooked into their stupid devices where they squint (maybe that’s just me) at a screen hour after hour while the scenery goes by.

Listen, I totally get the drown out the parents thing.  Back in the day it was all about having my hand-me-down Sony Walkman and listening to my tunes instead of the endless classical music my parents played on the radio, from which relief was granted every half hour by way of the news that would drone on for what felt like forever.

With my Walkman and head phones on, I would gaze out of the window and take in the landscape, the wildlife and the other vehicles sharing the road.  The only time…

View original post 264 more words

The Lead In Your Pencil

Happy reblog Thursday everyone. This reblog is a little confusing because even though the name of the blog is breastfed blog, which as you most of you know me…

…boobs…

….the actual subject matter today is pencils…wait!

Don’t click away!

These are pretty cool pencils, carved into tiny buildings, objects, and tools. I don’t know how this artist had the patience to carve such tiny things…I barely have the patience to finish this sentence…

BREAKING NEWS: Bras Are Evil!

It’s Thursday. It’s Reblog day. Or Reblog Thursday…day. This is about boobs, so…yeah…no big surprise I’m reblogging it.

(You guys know me so well!)

Reblog Thursday Pt 30

The Camp Of The Saints

Oh. My. God. We’ve been played for boobs!…

From Counsel & Heal, Christine Hsu reporting, we learn the horrific [but titillating] news [tip of the fedora to Matt 'Bazoombas' Drudge]:

Women have long been told that a good bra can help support the chest, relieve back pain and prevent sagging. However, a new 15-year French study reveals the opposite: bras do little to reduce back pain and, over time, they can actually make breasts sag even more.

Researcher Prof. Jean-Denis Rouillon, a sports science expert from the University of Besançon in eastern France claims that "bras are a false necessity," according to The Local.

"Medically, physiologically, anatomically – breasts gain no benefit from being denied gravity," said Rouillon. "On the contrary, they get saggier with a bra."

I’ve long told anyone who would listen that: Gravity is your friend.

According to The Connexion, the findings suggest…

View original post 320 more words