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My Interview With A Gross Stunt Taste Testor

13 Jan

Come visit me at Long Awkward Pause as I try maggot cheese…enough said.

Ed Ames unlocks the studio door for me, as I enter the dimly lit corridor.

“Shhhh!” he says.  “Remember, we are not suppose to be here.”

“I know,” I mouth back.

I am at a secret location which is an old  movie and TV set. We continue down the hall until we reach the aging wooden stage. On the stage sits a lone card table with several glass bowls. We head up the three rickety stairs and towards the table. A single light shines down and highlights the bowls.

Ed points to them one by one and tells me whats in them, “Dish one: Balut, which is underdeveloped duck fetus in an egg….Dish two: Beetle larva…and dish three: casu marzu, or maggot cheese.”

“And these are all safe to eat?” I ask a little hesitantly.

Ed smiles, “Yes, of course. That’s my job, to research the most bizarre and grossest…

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Throwing Long Awkward Pause Through Gizoogle

11 Oct

*Warning: Severe language used in the pursuit of comedy. Proceed at your own risk.*

Gizoogle is a web site that takes other web sites and turns them into something you might hear come out of Snoop Dog/Lion’s mouth. So I thought it would be funny to take the staff of Long Awkward Pause’s personal sites and throw them threw Gizoogle and see what spits out.


Original Post: Thanks For Nothing Congress

Nobody should be surprised that I’m so disgusted right now I could vomit.  A government shut down forced by two squabbling, childish, spoiled sides of what is supposed to be an elected body of our representatives.  In other words, they’re supposed to be looking out for our interests, not theirs.  Can they do this?  Apparently not.

Who am I blaming?

Gizoogle Version:

No Muthafucka should be surprised dat I’m so disgusted right now I could vomit.  A posse shut down forced by two squabbling, childish, spoiled sidez of what tha fuck is supposed ta be a erected body of our representatives.  In other lyrics, they’re supposed ta be lookin up fo’our interests, not theirs.  Can they do this?  Apparently not.

Dum diddy-dum, here I come biaaatch! Who tha fuck is I blaming?



I’ve been told I’m a good listener. Okay, maybe it was just that one time but you can’t unring a bell.

I’m taking that talent and mixing in a little helping of sly digs and satire to bring you a new recurring feature. It’s called “SIDE B – secretly taped interviews with celebrities of the moment.” Side A are the pre-approved, publicist-friendly interviews, which are totally boring and available on iTunes for 99 cents.

Here the microphone is hidden and the drinks are free.

Gizoogle Version:

I’ve been holla’d at I’m a phat listener n’ shit. Okay, maybe dat shiznit was just dat one time but you can’t unrin a funky-ass bell.

I’m takin dat talent n’ mixin up in a lil helpin of sly digs n’ satire ta brang you a freshly smoked up recurrin feature. It’s called “SIDE B – secretly taped rap battlez wit clownz of tha moment.” Side A is tha pre-approved, publicist-friendly rap battles, which is straight-up borin n’ available on iShit fo’ 99 cents.

Here tha microphone is hidden n’ tha dranks is free.

Mike Calahan’s B.L.O.G.

Original Version: To All Who Come To This Happy Place… Aaaarrrggh!

To All Who Come To This Happy Place… Aaaarrrggh!

Perhaps I’d been serenaded “The Ballad of Davy Crockett” once too often while still in the womb or maybe it was the steady diet of Donald Duck brand orange juice made with fruit concentrate that did it to me. Whatever the root cause, I was raised with an inherent love of all things Disney. To my sister and me, Disney cartoons and films were seen as the embodiment of all things good, they conveyed a world where things were safe, where good things happened to good people and where solutions to most of our problems were just a Sherman brothers song away. I believed that the Disney magic was real. Real, that is, until… that one day.

What happened that day, you ask?

Gizoogle Version:

To All Dum diddy-dum, here I come biaaatch! Who tha fuck Come To This Kool as fuck Place… Aaaarrrggh!

Perhaps I’d been serenaded “Da Ballad of Davy Crockett” once too often while still up in tha womb or maybe dat shiznit was tha steady diet of Dizzle Duck brand orange juice made wit fruit concentrate dat done did it ta mah dirty ass. Whatever tha root cause, I was raised wit a inherent ludd of all thangs Deez’nuts, n’ you can put dat on yo’ toast. To mah sista n’ me, Deez’nuts cartoons n’ films was peeped as tha embodiment of all thangs good, they conveyed a ghetto where thangs was safe, where phat thangs happened ta phat playas n’ where solutions ta most of our problems was just a Sherman brothers cold lil’ woo wop away. I believed dat tha Deez’nuts magic was real. It aint nuthin but tha nick nack patty wack, I still gots tha bigger sack. Real, dat is, until… dat one day.

What happened dat day, you ask?

Justin Gawel’s Ramblings From An Apathetic Adult Baby

Original Version: Other People’s Bodies: The Terrifying Frontier

*My deepest apologies to everyone.  I’ve been scrambling the last two weeks and haven’t posted.  Going forward, it looks like I’ll be contributing to ThoughtCatalog too, but I’ll be trying to post everything both here andthere.  Regardless, here or there, pants or no pants, I love you all.

One non-descript day you’re out on the street, sucking down a hot, tasty wiener with furious unchecked gusto. As your jaw unhinges like an anaconda to accommodate your fervent, uncurbed enthusiasm, you’re in paradise, never more certain of your identity and purpose.  But, like being hit by a runaway train, later that day you’re blindsided by a documentary on the processed meat industry and, just like that, you swear off hot dogs forever and an existential crisis ensues.

Gizoogle Version:

*My fuckin deepest apologies ta everyone.  I’ve been scramblin tha last two weeks n’ haven’t posted.  Goin forward, it be lookin like I’ll be contributin ta ThoughtCatalog too yo, but I’ll be tryin ta post every last muthafuckin thang both here n’ there.  Regardless, here or there, baggy-ass pants or no pants, I gots a straight-up boner fo’ y’all.

One non-descript dizzle you’re up on tha street, suckin down a hot, dirty wiener wit furious unchecked gusto fo’ realz. As yo’ jaw unhinges like a anaconda ta accommodate yo’ fervent, uncurbed enthusiasm, you’re up in paradise, never mo’ certain of yo’ identitizzle n’ purpose.  But, like bein hit by a runaway train, later dat dizzle you’re blindsided by a thugged-out documentary on tha processed meat industry and, just like that, you swear off bangin’ dawgs forever n’ a existential crisis ensues.

Monk Monkey

Original Version: Your fortune: Told!

Hereby forthwith thou shall see yon fortunes toldeth by thine stars unto me…

Act like a bull today. A big bull. A hot bull. A bull so steamy hot, melted butter would melt right off your back and drip to the floor. Perhaps a lovely maiden will come and lick the butter off the floor?

Get out of the aquarium and jump into your life! Today is the day to do great and wondrous things! Eat ten pringles in one go, roll a tomato down an incline, incline your head at a tomato…the opportunities are endless and the world is your oyster!

 Gizoogle Version:

Hereby forthwith thou shall peep yon fortunes holla’d ateth by thine stars unto me…

Act like a funky-ass bull todizzle. It make me wanna hollar playa! A big-ass bull fo’ realz. A bangin’ bull fo’ realz. A bull so steamy hot, melted butter would melt right off yo’ back n’ drip ta tha floor. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Perhaps a ghettofab maiden will come n’ lick tha butter off tha floor?

Git outta tha aquarium n’ jump tha fuck into yo’ game biaaatch! Todizzle is tha dizzle ta do pimped out n’ wondrous thangs muthafucka! Eat ten pringlez up in one go, roll a tomato down a incline, incline yo’ head at a tomato…the opportunitizzles is endless n’ tha ghetto is yo’ oysta son!


Original Version: …The Time I was Chased by a Moose.

As a part of my recovery, it is very important for me to share, what life was like before, what it’s like now, and what I am hoping for in the future.  I am going to start with a little bit about what it was like. I’ve decided to keep it light, as my past few posts have been pretty heavy, keeping in mind that though the story might be funny, it’s a small piece of what brought me to my newfound sobriety. Here we go…

Once upon a time I had an idea…I know, not good. I decided, that after 2 1/2 years in AA and NA that I was cured of my alcoholism. Imagine that. I was cured y’all! I had graduated! I didn’t need no stinking recovery!!

Gizoogle Version:

As a part of mah recovery, it is straight-up blingin fo’ me ta share, what tha fuck game was like before, what tha fuck it’s like now, n’ what tha fuck I be hopin fo’ up in tha future.  I be goin ta start wit a lil bit bout what tha fuck dat shiznit was like. I’ve decided ta keep it light, as mah past few posts done been pretty heavy, keepin up in mind dat though tha rap might be funky, it’s a lil’ small-ass piece of what tha fuck brought me ta mah newfound sobriety yo. Here we go…

Back up in tha dizzle I had a idea…I know, not good. Y’all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! I be fly as a gangbangin’ falcon, soarin all up in tha sky dawwwwg! I decided, dat afta 2 1/2 muthafuckin years up in AA n’ NA dat I was cured of mah hittin tha brew like a muthafucka. Imagine dis shit. I was cured y’all! I had graduated hommie! I didn’t need no stinkin recovery!!

Omawarisan’s Blurt

Original Version: Wonder Woman’s Invisible Airplane – Ingeniously Ridiculous or Ridiculously Ingenious?

Stealth aircraft have been an important part of our military for years. Their invisibility to radar helps keep air crews safe;  that is very cool.

You’d have to say something if you saw this. (image via brick of the

I’m not sure how good being invisible to radar is for those of us flying commercial. Seeing and being seen is important for thousands of us every day as we fly on business or for vacations. Because people smarter than I am are on that issue, we don’t have a lot of problems with military stealth planes and other planes running afoul of one another.

Gizoogle Version:

Yo, stealth aircraft done been a blingin part of our military fo’ years. Their invisibilitizzle ta radar helps keep air crews safe;  dat is straight-up cool.

You’d gotta say suttin’ if you saw all dis bullshit. (image via brick of tha

I’m not shizzle how tha fuck phat bein invisible ta radar is fo’ dem of our asses flyin commercial. It aint nuthin but tha nick nack patty wack, I still gots tha bigger sack. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Seein n’ bein peeped is blingin fo’ thousandz of our asses every last muthafuckin dizzle as we fly on bidnizz or fo’ vacations. Because playas smarter than I be is on dat issue, our phat asses don’t gotz a shitload of problems wit military stealth planes n’ other planes hustlin afoul of one another.


Original Version: Closing the Debate on Open Relationships

Last week a couple of friends and I got into a heated debate on the topic of Open Relationships.  And by “heated debate,” I mean “drunken melee involving projectile beer bottles, bawling/brawling girlfriends, whips and boomerangs, the police, and flying monkeys.”

PBS meets COPS meets Monty Python

But we’ll save that story for some other time.

"Yeah, he said the boomerang went that way."

“Yeah, he said the boomerang went that way.”

There was no real need for me to delve, but I love playing Devil’s Advocate. Anytime is a good time for a hearty bowl of philosophy soup.  However, my “scientific findings” from last Friday indicate that the generally conservative public thinks otherwise: the topic of Open Relationships really twists people’s guts.

Gizoogle Version:

Last week a cold-ass lil couple playaz n’ I gots tha fuck into a heated rap battle on tha topic of Open Relationships.  And by “heated debate,” I mean “drunken melee involvin projectile brew bottles, bawling/brawlin hoes, whips n’ boomerangs, tha police, n’ flyin monkeys.”

PBS meets COPS meets Monty Python

But we’ll save dat rap fo’ some other time.

"Yeah, da perved-out muthafucka holla'd tha boomerang went dat way."

“Yeah, da perved-out muthafucka holla’d tha boomerang went dat way.”

There was no real need fo’ me ta delve yo, but I gots a straight-up boner fo’ playin Devil’s Advocate fo’ realz. Anytime be a phat time fo’ a hearty bowl ofphilosophy soup.  But fuck dat shiznit yo, tha word on tha street is dat mah “scientistical findings” from last Fridizzle indicate dat tha generally conservatizzle hood be thinkin otherwise: tha topic of Open Relationships straight-up twists people’s guts.

Mike Calahan: International Man of History

8 Oct

Come read about two of the super talented guys I work with at Long Awkward Pause as Chowderhead interviews Mike Calahan, takes sexy pictures of him, and they share a cup of coffee.

These guys always make me try to up my writing game. Great, great, great interview!

The Incredible Edible Twinkie

6 Aug

Come check me out on Long Awkward Pause, and while you are there check out the other posts as well. Then go buy a box of twinkies. Then open one up. Then set it aside and get one of those greek yogurt things where you flip the almonds and chocolate into it. Those are delish. Then read all the posts on Long Awkward Pause again…maybe even try to challenge us to a topic. Then feed that open twinkie to the dog.


(Read these first two lines in a David Bowie voice, like at the start of the song: Modern Love)

I didn’t care that the Twinkie went away.

I didn’t care that the Twinkie came back.


I’m not oppose to the Twinkie, although I think Peanut Butter Crunch Bars are much, much better.


In the movie Zombieland, Woody Harrelson’s character should have been on the prowl for Peanut Butter Crunch Bars instead of Twinkies.

If you need to pause and watch the movie so you know what I’m talking about, I’ll wait here. Go ahead.

You back?

What did you think? Pretty good, huh?

Ok, to continue….

I know the PBCBs melt easily and Twinkies do not, but let’s not discount the peanut buttery loggy goodness of this treat. I would rather eat a melted Peanut Butter Crunch Bar than a fresh Twinkie. Yes, I it’s true. I would rather…

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Long Awkward Pause – A New Adventure In Blogging

18 Jul

In lieu of reblog Thursday, I have some exciting news.

I’m announcing the birth of a new, exciting, epic, original, ingenious, bold, spicy, operatic, collaborative masterpiece:

Long Awkward Pause!

What is Long Awkward Pause you may ask…and even if you didn’t ask, you may ask after you recover from your excitement over this announcement.

(I will wait until you pick yourself up off the floor, dust your pants off, and compose yourself thus-ly.)

Long Awkward Pause is a humor magazine collaboration between myself, Blurt, B.L.O.G., Monk Monkey, and Ramblings Of An Apathetic Adult Baby. We will take reader submitted topics  and write about them either once or twice a month depending on schedule, earth rotation, Chick-fil-a openings, births, deaths, oil changes, and other such hazards of the blog world.

I’m really excited to work with these guys, and I hope you’ll be just as excited to read our stuff. And if your not excited, at least tell your friends how not excited you are about this site, and how they should check it out for themselves.

You can view  the site, here. Don’t forget to follow, pretty please. Currently the site is just featuring reblogs of us, the actual first post will be on or around Aug. 2nd. It’s a topic submitted by Jo Ellen of Two On A Rant and it’s a tasty one. Feel free to fill out the form on the about page and suggest your own musings.

For everyone who follows, you will receive one free email notification!


Meet Christopher De Voss: Writer for Zombie Survival Crew

11 Jul

Once again it’s Thursday which means it’s a day of reblogging….but is it okay to reblog someone when they are talking about me? Of course it is!


One thing I absolutely love about blogging is being exposed to new people. In the blogosphere you can meet all types of people who get a chance to do interesting things.

One thing my blogging buds might not know about me is I love Zombies. I am obsessed with the Walking Dead, I have seen most Zombie movies on the shelf and I am pretty sure I am a chick you would want with you if a Zombie Appocalypse hit.

In my blogging travels I ran across one of the writers for the “Zombie Survival Crew” and I just couldn’t pass up the chance to interview him and share with you what he had to say:

Interview with Christopher De Voss:


For those who don’t know, what is the general premise of “Zombie Survival Crew?”


The ZSC is a web site/club started by Juliette Terzieff. They specialize in…

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The world will be saved thanks to my friend’s lawn mowing in Atlanta

27 Jun

It’s Thursday. The day of reblogging. Living in Florida, lawn care is near and dear to everyone’s heart…except mine. I don’t care. I will live in an overgrown jungle of a yard, no problem. Sometimes if the grass is high enough I will mow a crop circle into it, then call all the neighborhood children around, and ask them if they have seen my fifth child Fredrick. Fredrick doesn’t really exist, but how we laugh at the thought of him being probed.

Ned's Blog

image After years of creating ad campaigns for high-profile companies like Coca-Cola, a good friend of mine in Atlanta has decided to do what many successful advertising people do when they reach that point in their careers where they can simply LOOK at a new product and, without any hesitation whatsoever, begin to vomit:

And that, of course, is to go into the lawn care business.

Like some of history’s most successful entrepreneurs, Fred spent time studying his new market, its trends and the competition before assembling a detailed business plan, which he described as follows: “I bought a lawnmower.”

On the surface, this may not sound like much of a business plan. But as Fred pointed out, what sets him apart from other lawn care enterprises around Atlanta — aside from his limited grasp of Spanish — is the TYPE of mower and equipment he’s using. While other lawn care…

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Lessons I (Unintentionally) Learned from Disney Princesses

20 Jun

Hello Reblog Thursday. Oh, you Disney Princesses…you make every little girl want to be one of you and every little boy want to hook up with Jasmine. Snow White, you really need to work on the hairdo…perhaps something a little more with the times. I have a special place for Cinderella but I think Sleeping Beauty would be the best one to marry. You would have the most freedom to play video games, watch sports, and whatnot due to her chronic sleeping habits. I think Merida would be the worst due to her hair and hard to understand accent…and her love of haggis. Gross.

So Fetch Daily

As a youngster, I recall demanding to wear a big frilly dress and a princess tiara anywhere I went. For my birthday, I wanted a pink unicorn to match my pink poofy dress and rhinestone diadem. Where did all of these silly obsessions and my fascination with all things princess stem from? From Disney movies of course! All little girls (and some little boys) grow up watching Disney movies religiously. The Disney princess stories are romanticized versions of falling in love and living happily ever after. Children (and sometimes adults) wind up dreamily following along as the princesses are swept off of their feet by a knight in shining armor and showered in the kind of wardrobe makeovers that would make a grown woman jealous. Each Disney classic also had a moral to go along with all the love and fashion goodness, and along with a taste for frill I have…

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“Everyday Quotes” turn the mundane into art

13 Jun

It’s Thursday, time to shake out a reblog that’s been caught between the sheets. For this week’s reblog, I actually had this idea about a year ago, but I forgot I had this idea until I saw it in print on Era Magazine to which I immediately said, “Hey, that’s funny! Wait! I thought of that almost a year ago….crap!” So enjoy Era Magazine’s version of my idea, which to be fair, I never wrote down or told anyone.

Era Magazine

The trend of combining inspirational quotes floating over pretty vintage pictures is currently dominating Tumblr and Pinterest. Seems like there’s some magical quote to make you feel better about anything from being single to just being reckless and stupid. Artist Felicity Fenton puts her own spin on that trend by turning mundane phrases we’ve all uttered and spun them into art.

See the rest on her site!

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Age and Gender Appropriate

30 May

On Thursdays we reblog here. Every Thursday…well most Thursdays. Some Thursdays we forget because…well…we are stupid. Today’s reblog is also about some stupid stuff. But it’s funny stupid stuff…which is what we like.

I don’t know why I used ‘we’ like Gollum when it’s just ‘I”.