Breaking Bad As Written By Edgar Allen Poe

29 Sep

Once upon a Sunday night, while I pondered channel surfing,
Over football, reruns, and 60 Minutes, Oh bore
In my seat, I nodded, nearly pondered a Tosh repeat
What was the answer, but a teacher dying of cancer
‘Tis can’t be entertaining,’ I muttered, ‘I will watch this one episode and nothing more.’

Ah, distinctly I was engrossed, this coward teacher host,
And his brother-in-law the DEA jerk
Whom he rode along on the meth bust, an undiscovered perk
Which sparked the idea for an empire desire
The angels name Jessie to help
Heisenberg here for evermore

At first the RV housed the cook
Tighty-whitey in the dessert, was the hook
It’s the purest of the pure, moving one rock at a time
Was not enough to pay the tough bill that the doctor’s inflict
On Heisenberg and nothing more

A finger lickin’ chicken came a knockin’
Knockin’ knockin on He Who Knocks Door
The money was flowing, as the meth was growing
Blue was the signature hue, that built the family vault
But only Flynn knew not the truth, his cereal spoon of youth
And Gus was in charge evermore

Until one fateful day, Gus was blown away
And Walt and Jessie fought, retiring to the car wash that he bought
Soon Mike was led astray, his men would get no pay
Cold, cold Todd would appear, and shoot a kid, oh dear
Causing Heisenberg to retire and nothing more

Complications would arise, much to everyone’s surprise
As Hank would die that day, and Walt would run away
Saul could not help, for his own spinoff show had been dealt
Jessie is captured and put in the ground to stay
While Todd looks like Matt Damon, evermore

Heinsberg doth Skyinsberg berate, what will be now be his fate
The show will come to a close, with Jessie and his broken nose
A Machine Gun and Ricin are the clue, graffiti on the wall in blue
All five seasons I did adore, although it probably could have ended in four

As I fear Heinsberg will be nevermore

Damn you Raven!

58 Responses to “Breaking Bad As Written By Edgar Allen Poe”

  1. tarnishedsophia September 29, 2013 at 8:53 AM #

    Ha! This is spectacular!

    • Christopher De Voss September 29, 2013 at 8:54 AM #

      Thank you all though I think Edgar is mad and is hunting me.

  2. dentaleggs September 29, 2013 at 9:23 AM #

    Nice one. I’ve never seen this series. I think I’m the only one.

    • Christopher De Voss September 29, 2013 at 9:29 AM #

      Netflix. Best show ever. Seriously. There are moments when you feel like you can’t breathe while watching. The acting is incredible as well.

      • dentaleggs September 29, 2013 at 9:39 AM #

        Crap. That means watching more telly. I’m trying to read more.

      • Christopher De Voss September 29, 2013 at 9:41 AM #

        Read after. The writing on this show is incredible. It’s only five seasons and I think it’s 16 shows a season. It goes quick.

      • dentaleggs September 29, 2013 at 9:45 AM #

        My husband is nodding his head right now. We’ll check it out.

      • Christopher De Voss September 29, 2013 at 10:14 AM #


  3. Carrie Rubin September 29, 2013 at 9:30 AM #

    I may have to break down and start watching this show. I’ve held off because there are already so many series I want to watch. But with all the good reviews I can’t hold off much longer. Especially not after this poem!

  4. Mitzi McColley Sorensen September 29, 2013 at 10:39 AM #

    Final show tonight. I’ve been a fan from the beginning. Fun post!

    • Christopher De Voss September 29, 2013 at 10:42 AM #

      I came in after season 2, caught up on Netflixs. So sad about tonight. 😦

  5. El Guapo September 29, 2013 at 10:47 AM #

    Yes, Ive watched the entire run up to the penultimate episode.
    The acting is brilliant, but I’m not sure what all the fascination is with the show.

    Really hope the ending is worthy of the characters.

  6. ksbeth September 29, 2013 at 11:19 AM #

    very funny!

    • Christopher De Voss September 29, 2013 at 11:20 AM #

      It wasn’t supposed to be funny! It’s Poe! 😉

      • ksbeth September 29, 2013 at 11:22 AM #

        damn it, now i’m going to meet with some horrible dark fate no doubt!

      • Christopher De Voss September 29, 2013 at 11:24 AM #

        For evermore!

  7. andreveloz September 29, 2013 at 11:32 AM #

    Reblogged this on Andre Veloz's Blog and commented:
    I am a Breaking Bad addict… a Heisenberg Junkie. Yo, yo you Mr. White we will miss you. I am having separation anxiety. This night will be epic.

  8. lifeconfusions September 29, 2013 at 12:06 PM #

    That is BRILLIANT !
    Best poem everrrr…..if there was an Oscar for this,my friend, I would’ve given it YOU !
    That was so damn good ! 😀

    • Christopher De Voss September 29, 2013 at 12:08 PM #

      Thank you. Do I get to make a speech after you give me my Oscar?

      • lifeconfusions September 29, 2013 at 12:31 PM #

        You are welcome….
        And Yes, sure….. (Did I tell you this Oscar giving ceremony will be in your dreams? 😛 )

      • Christopher De Voss September 29, 2013 at 1:38 PM #


      • lifeconfusions September 29, 2013 at 2:19 PM #

        But only because there is no Oscar for a poem or otherwise i would’ve given it to you in person ! 🙂

      • Christopher De Voss September 29, 2013 at 2:21 PM #

        Well, it’s just an honor to be nominated.

  9. Kev September 29, 2013 at 3:18 PM #

    Nice! No, Very Nice!

  10. ohlidia September 29, 2013 at 8:53 PM #

    Nicely done! So sad about tonight… sigh!

  11. The Bumble Files September 29, 2013 at 9:14 PM #

    Bravo, Chris!!

  12. The Savvy Senorita September 30, 2013 at 5:30 AM #

    Love the show, love the Poe and love what your ‘ode’. So fabulously creative! Bex

  13. Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher September 30, 2013 at 11:49 AM #

    Hee hee – I don’t watch Breaking Bad, but I love POE! My son (age 10) JUST read The Raven last Thursday…good timing.

  14. Blogdramedy September 30, 2013 at 4:29 PM #


  15. David Stewart October 1, 2013 at 8:02 AM #

    I guess I’m going to have to watch it now that you’ve made it sound so high-brow. My wife is still sad about the ending, not that it wasn’t unexpected.

    • Christopher De Voss October 1, 2013 at 8:27 AM #

      I think you’ll appreciate the writing if nothing else.

  16. MissSteele October 2, 2013 at 9:36 AM #

    This is probably the most brilliant thing I’ve ever read lol

  17. Laurie's Lovely Living October 2, 2013 at 7:16 PM #

    I LOVED THIS!!! I loved it, I loved it!!!! By the way, did I mention – I loved it!!! 🙂

  18. andreveloz October 3, 2013 at 12:45 AM #

    I can’t have enough of this Br Ba poem! Todd, Matt Damon, “I will only watch one chapter”… Love it

  19. silkpurseproductions October 3, 2013 at 9:31 AM #

    Don’t hate me for this…but…I have never seen the show. Deep breath.
    If it is any consolation your verse makes me want to.

    • Christopher De Voss October 3, 2013 at 9:33 AM #

      Netflixs. I promise I’m not wasting your time here. Five short brilliant seasons.

  20. kizzylee October 5, 2013 at 1:23 PM #

    Reblogged this on kizzylee and commented:
    love this!

  21. Chowderhead November 12, 2013 at 3:00 AM #

    Rick Ross De Voss,

    The finger lickin’ chicken knockin knockin lines…A+


    Did “MC” “contact you” by any chance?

  22. Fat Bottom Girl January 14, 2014 at 2:41 PM #

    Crap! I had to stop reading because I think I was going to get spoilers!! I am only on Season 4!

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