Grandma De Voss Finds Some Old Movie Posters

Grandma De Voss was up in her attic again, cleaning. The last time she sent me some books. This time she found some old movie posters from the around the 40’s, 50’s, and 60’s. I thought they might look good on the loft wall.

Thanks Grandma!

When You’re Sick Of Holiday Movies…

Have you had your fill of Rankin and Bass’ stop motion holiday classic; Rudolph the Frosty Grinch?

How many times have you watched It’s A Wonderful Miracle on 34th Griswald Lane?

Can’t stomach another viewing of “You’ll Shoot Your Eye Out Charlie Brown!”?

Well, I’m here to help. Here is a list of slightly non-Christmas-y that you can watch with the whole family.

(Warning: Don’t watch any of these with the whole family.)

Rubber

 Rubber is the charming story of Robert, an abondoned tire that has been left in the desert and then suddenly and inexplicably comes to life. As Robert  rolls around, he soon discovers that he possesses terrifying telepathic powers that give him the ability to destroy anything he wishes.

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Zombie Ass: Toilet Of The Dead

 Megumi wrestles with the guilt of her bullied sister’s suicide while joining her friends on a journey deep into the woods, where they encounter the nefarious Dr. Tanaka, who conducts gruesome experiments on the living dead. Later, as Dr. Tanaka attempts to make Megumi and friends his latest test subjects, the desperate young woman uses the dual power of karate and flatulence in order to defeat her demented captor.

Nude Nuns With Big Guns

 Sister Sarah is abused, brainwashed and drugged into submission by a corrupt clergy who is in the business of selling drugs. On the verge of death, Sister Sarah receives a message from GOD telling her to take vengeance on all those who did her wrong. Armed with God’s will and an arsenal of big guns and little clothing, she seeks revenge on her former tormentors.

Grabbers

Strange doings are afoot on a small Irish island: the crew of a fishing boat disappears, whales start appearing dead on the shore, a local lobster-man catches a strange tentacled creature in his trap. Soon residents learn they must get very drunk to survive attacks by alien monsters who can’t tolerate a high blood alcohol level in their victims.

(Remember: I didn’t say any of these were good.)

George Clooney Admonished Me

I was super excited to be invited to the Press Screening of the movie: Gravity. This wasn’t opening night, mind you, this was a limited screening that the movie reviewers, radio personalities, social media gurus, and local celebrities get to go too.

I really haven’t reached any of those statuses yet, I just think someone canceled and a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend recommended me, right after Appliance Direct Infomercial Guy turned them down.

White Porcelain! White Porcelain! I am now a member of the cult White Porcelain!

Regardless, I was honored to be included. My name was even on a list. I was supposed to go up to the Clipboard Guy and tell him my name (if he didn’t already recognize me) and he was supposed to say,

“Hello, Mr. De Voss, Mrs. De Voss…so glad you could join us for George Clooney’s new movie. I’m sure George is very anxious to hear what you think. He has been texting me to see if you have arrived yet. I’ll let him know you are here.”

And I would say,

“Thank you my good man….(Super Famous People and/or Super Rich People and/or Characters From Boardwalk Empire say this to strangers) …be sure to let George know I’m here and that you can start the film now. By the way, is the popcorn free too?”

“No.”

None of that happened, because of course…I read the email wrong.

Yup. I’m an idiot.

In the body of the email it said to be there on Sept 29th at 7:30 in order to check in with the Clipboard Guy…but I didn’t pay attention to that. I paid attention to the graphic at the top of the email instead:

I looked at the opening date of 10-4-13 instead.

Sooooooooooooooooooooooooo, needless to say….I missed the special Press Only screening. Instead of watching the movie that night I was probably eating Tacos in my underwear and screaming at the 7 year old to stop playing Sinking Submarine.*

One of the stipulations of myself and a guest being invited to the advanced screening was that I was supposed to tweet my thoughts about the movie. I got an email from Klout, who setup the whole thing, saying,

“Um, hey…yeah…hate to bug you and all…but remember that super cool press screening we got you into…you know the free one where you can rub elbows with local celebrities and media people…you know the exclusive one…where all you had to do was talk about it on Twitter…yeah…just wondering if you might find the time to…you know…do that!”

Whaaat?! I said in my mind. That was supposed to be on the 4th, how could I tweet about something I haven’t seen yet?! I may take free stuff from strangers on Twitter in exchange for them reaching a bigger audience, but I’ll be damned if I am giving a pre-determined five star rating to a movie that I haven’t seen yet!

I double checked the email where I realized my mistake.

Damn, I was super disappointed! I missed my free movie. I missed rubbing shoulders with the pregnant Channel 6 News Lady. I missed yelling at the Candy Counter Teen for my free popcorn.

I also missed my obligation to tweet the movie…which means I will probably miss future opportunities for free movies.

So I quickly sent these tweets:

I know…I lied…I didn’t see the movie…but it’s George Clooney and Sandra Bullock…how bad could it be?

Almost immediately after sending these tweets off, I get a call from George Clooney himself:

George: Chris! How’s it going?

Chris: George Clooney?! Wow! Awesome. How did you get my number?

George: Don’t worry about that. Hey, I just saw your tweets about my new movie; Gravity…opening Oct 4th everywhere. Thank you for the nice tweets. I’m glad you liked it.

Chris: Um, it was really good, I…uh…really…uh…liked it…a lot.

George: Really? What was your favorite scene?

Chris: My favorite scene?

George: Yes, Chris. What was your favorite scene?

Chris: Oh…uh…the part where you guys where in space…yeah…

George: The whole freaking movie takes place in space. Can you be more specific?

Chris: Yes! Yes of course! Um, I like the part…um…where one of you guys was stuck to the arm of the Space Shuttle thingy, and it..uh…broke and then you floated off into space…super scary!

George: You mean the part from the trailer?!

Chris: Hahaha! That was in the trailer?! I didn’t know that…

George: You didn’t see the movie did you?

Chris: Hey, have I ever mentioned how good you where in O Brother Where Art Thou?

George: Did you?

Chris: No. I wanted to so bad, but I got the dates wrong.

George: I know. I didn’t see you at the after party, so I was wondering why you would skip that…and it occurred to me that you didn’t go to my movie and then tweet-lied about it.

Chris: Well, yes George, but I wanted to go! I did! I was worried about not being invited to another one, so I did tweet-lie…I did!

George: You owe me an apology!

Chris: For? I gave it a good review!

George: You missed my movie and then tweet-lied about it!

Chris: Really? Are you serious George?

George: I am serious!

Chris: Ok, you’re right. I’m sorry I missed your movie and then tweet-lied about it.

George: Thank you.

Chris: And I’m sorry you had to date the lesbian on The Facts of Life TV show.

George: That’s enough…

Chris: And I’m sorry ER went on for 10 years successfully after you left…

George: You are on thin ice…

Chris: And I’m sorry Oceans 12…

George: You better not finish that sentence!

Chris: You are probably right. Sorry George.

George: *click*

—–

*If you don’t already know, the game Sinking Submarine is a game where you stop up the bathtub and turn on the shower, thus allowing the tub to slowly fill with water, kind of like a submarine that has been hit by a torpedo in an old 70’s war movie.

Time Travelling Zombies Vs The Dinosaurs

If you are unfamiliar with SyFy Channels brand of movies, check out this post: My Simplistic Review of Sharknado.

If you don’t feel like clicking the link, and I know that you don’t…basically in a nutshell, SciFy Channels movies are weird, low budget, campy, and silly.

In other words: perfect.

Here is a short list of some of their offerings:

Alien Apocalypse

Rage of the Yeti

Dinoshark

Jersey Shore Shark Attack

Sharktopus

SO with that in mind, here are two movie concepts I would like to pitch to the SyFy channel.

Movie Concept Numero Uno:

Act I

The year is 3013 and Zombies have taken over the planet Earth. Only a few hundred uninfected humans are left including the evil Dr. Richard Dicks. The evil Dr. Richard Dicks has been building a time machine, unsuccessfully mind you, for the last twenty years. His plan is to go back in time before the Zombie Apocalypse and become rich off the stock market as inspired by the movie Back To The Future 2. Franklin Shallow and the Shallow Freedom Fighters learn of the evil Dr. Dicks plan and formulate a plan of their own to stop him. Franklin Shallow and the Shallow Freedom Fighters execute their plan in the middle of the night and everything goes wrong! As Franklin and the evil Dr. Dicks fight in hand to hand combat they accidentally start the untested Time Machine. Suddenly hordes of Zombies that have been kept at bay by the evil Dr. Dicks security systems break through and start eating all the Freedom Fighters and the evil Dr. Dicks evil Henchmen. As the zombies descend on Franklin Shallow and the evil Dr. Dicks, the Time Machine emits an eerie bright light and sucks all the Zombies into it, along with Franklin and the evil Dr. Dicks.

Act II

The Zombies, Franklin, and the evil Dr. Dicks find themselves back in time in the land of dinosaurs. The Zombies start attacking the dinosaurs. The big dinosaurs like the Brontosaurs and the T-Rex easily step and crush the Zombies, but the smaller Dinosaurs, like the  Compsognathus and the Velociraptor fall victim to the zombie’s bite and become Zombie Dinosaurs. Franklin and the evil Dr. Dicks realize they need to work together, along with the bigger dinosaurs to stop the Zombies and the Zombie Dinosaurs before the time line is drastically changed and man would cease to exist.

Movie Concept Numero B:

Crazy Grandma

The Stickman’s are an ordinary family. The family consists of Mom Stickman, Dad Stickman, Brother Stickman, Baby Stickman, and Grandma Stickman. Grandma Stickman often feels left out and ridiculed by the family.  The Stickman’s don’t mean to make Grandma feel this way, it just sort of happens. One Saturday night the Stickman’s decide to go out to their favorite fancy restaurant, The Olive Garden.  During the family’s fifth serving of the Never Ending Pasta Bowl Promotion, Grandma Stickman starts chocking on a meatball. The Stickman’s not realizing the severity of Grandma’s chocking start laughing and pointing at her. Not until Grandma starts turning blue does the Olive Garden waiter rush to her aid and applies the Heimlich Maneuver. Grandma passes out for a brief moment and goes to Hell. During her visit to Hell the Devil gives her special powers and super strength. When Grandma comes too, she goes on a rampage and kills everyone in the Olive Garden. She kills the Stickman’s by hanging them from the ceiling with Spaghetti. Then Grandma starts her killing spree through the small town with various funny one liners and new and crazy inventive killings.

Grandma Stickman is finally stopped by the Local Sheriff and the Local Demonologist in a show down that involves Ben Gay Ointment, Bingo Cards, and a car whose left blinker light has been on for the last seven miles.

The Action Hero Lists

Action Heroes Favorite Weapons…

1) Guns

2) Knives

3) Humor

4) Dynamite/bombs

5) Box Office Receipts 

 

Why Action Heroes Would Not Make Good Car Wash Attendants… 

1) They tend to crash cars

2) They tend to blow up buildings

3) They tend to not hold jobs long

4) They tend to blow up cars too

5) They tend to hate their boss

 

Top 5 Animals Action Heroes Hate…

1) Snakes

2) Sharks

3) John Malkovich

4) Walruses 

5) Dogs

 

Things Action Heroes Like To Jump…

1) Cars

2) Bodies of Water

3) Canyons

4) The Leading Lady

5) Buildings

 

Songs Action Hero Like To Listen To…

1) Jump – Van Halen

2) Grenade – Bruno Mars

3) Cuts Like A Knife – Bryan Adams

4) Anything by Guns And Roses

5) We Don’t Need Another Hero – Tina Turner

 

Best Action Hero Choices…

1) Bruce Willis

2) Arnold Schwarzenegger

3) Harrison Ford

4) Steven McQueen

5) The Rock

 

Worst Action Hero Choices…

1) W.C. Fields

2) Bill Gates

3) The Drummer From Def Leppard

4) Grumpy Cat (from the internet)

5) Pee Wee Herman

 

A Sampling* Of The Best Action Movies…

1) Die Hard

2) Speed

3) Enter The Dragon

4) The Matrix

5) Terminator 2

 

Games Action Heroes Like To Play…

1) Risk

2) Solitaire

3) Hide And Go Seek

4) Beer Pong

5) London Bridges

 

A Sampling Of The Worst Action Movies (but you’ll watch them anyway)…

1) Point Break

2) Face/Off

3) Spider-man 3

4) Howard the Duck

5) Sharknado

 

Best Action Hero One Liners….

1) Yippie Ki Yay Mother Fucker! – Die Hard

2) Say Hello to my little friend!  – Scarface

3) I’ve come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass…and I’m all out of bubble gum! – They Live

4) Hasta-la-vista baby! – The Terminator

5) Always bet on black! – Passenger 57

 

Worst Alarm Clock Sounds For An Action Hero…

1) Bombs

2) Fresh Prince Of Bel Air Theme Song

3) Bad Guy Explaining His Plans

4) 60 Minutes TV Show Clock Ticking

5) Samuel L. Jackson Reading Dr. Suess’ Hop On Pop

 

Why I Would Not Make A Good Action Hero….

1) I don’t look good in a wife beater

2) I can’t decide on a cool looking logo

3) I’m lazy

4) My catch phrase is, “I don’t know, what do you want to do?”

5) I need to eat. You never see action heroes eat.

 

*I said sampling, I did not mean these were the only ones!

 

 

 

 

My Simplistic Review of Sharknado

Take a tornado…

Add sharks…

Inside of the tornado mind you…

And you have Sharknado!

It’s another one of Syfy channels, Oh-So-Bad-They-Have-To-Be-Watched movies following in the footsteps of such great classics:

Chupacabra Vs. The Almo

Flying Monkeys

12 Disasters of Christmas

Aladdin And The Death Lamp

Arachnoquake

Jersey Shore Shark Attack

Piranhaconda

Mega Python Vs Gatoroid

Sharktopus

 

Those are 100%  honest to goodness real movies.

To start the movie off, after surfing for a millisecond Ian Ziering, of 90120 fame, has to warn people that the waters have become shark infested. No one listens, of course as the camera pans back and forth across a nice bikini clad bottom.  Then a shark bites his buddy on a jet ski, followed by a huge rain storm. During the storm the sharks are picked up out of the water and deposited into a nearby restaurant on the pier.

Some creative shark kills during the shark filled restaurant scene:

Pool stick through a shark’s head.

Bar stool to shark’s jaw.

Randomly stored explosive canister jammed into shark’s mouth and blown up.

Broken shark filled Ferris Wheel rolls off the hinges, chases everyone down the boardwalk, and finally crashes into a hotel.

Now it’s storming even harder and the coastal town is flooding. As the waters rise the streets become populated with all types of sharks.

Hammerhead Sharks…

Great White Sharks…

Mortgage Lenders…

 

Ian warns some stranded motorists of the shark filled streets, but nobody is listening to him today. They all get chomped into pieces by the never satisfied fishes. I think they were waiting on Luke Perry for confirmation. One of my favorite special effects is when they needed to drive through some waves to escape to higher ground and I swear they filmed someone flicking a hot wheel with their finger to achieve this dramatic shot.

I won’t give away the whole movie but here are some key moments to look forward to when you watch it with your loved ones:

Sharks being blown out of street manholes

Tara Reid’s bad acting

Trying to pull a guy from a Shark’s mouth by his feet

Sharks swimming in a living room

Shark period jokes

Completely flooded shark filled house…except the driveway where the escape car is sitting 

Ian stopping the car a lot to try to save random strangers and most of them not listening

Shark eating through the roof of a moving car

Random decapitated Shark heads in the street

An Australian with no Australian accent whats-so-ever, except he does say, “Mate” every time he opens his mouth

MacGuyver wheelbarrow weapons

Flying a helicopter through a Sharknado

Electrified Sharks 

Blowing up the Senior Citizen’s Shark infested pool

Sharks attacking a helicopter while in the air

Shark crashing through a billboard

Ian saying, “The waters are rising!” a lot

Chainsawing yourself out of a Shark while rescuing a girl from inside it’s belly* 

 

 

I give this movie a rating of 2988 of 3000 shark teeth.

 

*Greatest scene ever!

 

The Robots And The Writer

The Robots just suddenly arrived.

They landed on Earth in droves, tall…about 8 or 9 feet in height, dirty metallic bodies, 3 wheeled tank like contraptions on their legs for movement, 3 tentacle-like arms with 6 tentacle-like appendages and on each one, claw like hands and fingers.

They came and they conquered. They conquered in a mere 72 hours.

The entire world in only 72 hours.

After they conquered and killed all the leaders of the world, they kind of left everyone else alone.

Sort of.

The robots made everyone stay inside their dwellings whether it be a fancy million dollar home, an apartment complex, or  a hobo’s cardboard box. It had been about two weeks of the house arrest.

Twice  food rations were left on the doorstep. Apparently the Robots thought our diet consisted of nothing but Spaghetti-o’s. TV was cut down to one channel that just played the same five movies over and over; A Christmas Story, Groundhog Day, Porky’s 3, Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure, and Casino. No one could make heads or tails of the selections or whether their was a theme or message to them. Some thought it might be a some secret symbol of the robots intent. Radio was down to one frequency, 104.1 FM. This station only played Frank Sinatra, but luckily it was his whole catalog and not just five select songs like the TV.

The internet, shut down.

After pretty much everyone in the world could quote Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure from start to finish, an announcement came over the TV and Radio:

“Greetings, people of Planet 279. You will be hearing this broadcast in your native language since you choose to complicate your race with such nonsense as separate languages. Tomorrow will begin your sorting. I will assume, you 279ings do not know what a sorting is, so I will explain. Each one of you will be individually interviewed on your worth to this planet and to us, your new masters. If your skills are deemed worthy, you will live to serve us. If your skills are deemed inadequate, you will be killed on the spot. We have already eradicated Rappers, Weather Men, Fruit Snack Packers, Walmart Customer Service Employees, Mark Zuckerburg, and Network TV Executives.   One of our kind will be knocking on your door sometime between 8 am and 5 pm to begin your evaluation. That reminds me, we need to add all cable installers to the inadequate list. Do not try to run. Do not try to resist. Do not try to fight. Do try to cooperate. Do try to answer the questions truthfully. And if you are deemed unworthy, do try to die quickly and without crying. That is all.”

And then Casino started playing on the TV again.

I was a novelist. I don’t know what Robots would want a novelist for…especially based on their taste of movies, but I couldn’t give up hope. There had to be a place for someone with my skill set for them. I didn’t have to write novels, I could write about anything…be a reporter, keep records, or something. My youngest daughter, who was 6, pulled on my pants.

“Daddy, I’m scared!” she said with big teary eyes.

“Oh,” I said as I brushed her long blonde bangs out of her eyes and kissed her on the forehead. “Don’t be. Daddy will be okay.”

“But Daddy,” she responded, tears running down her cheeks. “Who will pack the Fruit Snacks now?”

I gave her a hug and said, “I don’t know, honey. I don’t know.”

—–

Eight AM came quickly the next day, and you could see the robots lining up along the suburban street. The had enough robots for one to stand outside each and every door, and at precisely 8, a unison single knock hit the aluminum doors, followed by a metallic warning;

“You have 30 seconds to answer your doors. 30, 29, 28, 27, 26….”

I opened the door. The faceless machine looked at me, and it pushed me aside as it bent it’s large frame down to fit through the opening. Once inside it said,

“Are you Planet 279 inhabitant also known as Frank Baum?”

“I am, and it’s called Earth, not Planet 279,” I responded weakly.

“What you know of as ‘Earth’ is no more. You are now an inhabitant of Planet 279. If you are deemed worthy of service you will be given a new name. Your new name will be 279.0943783749894590834590349.”

“Wow, I don’t know if I could remember all of that,” I said a little worried.

The robot responded, “It will be branded to your forehead. No worries.”

“Oh, great.”

The robot pulled out a clipboard. “Please answer these questions, briefly and completely or you will be eradicated. Please answer the questions truthfully or you will be eradicated. I will be monitoring your heart rate and your brain wave patterns. You will be recorded. Let us begin. For the official record, what is your Planet 279 name?”

“My Earth name or the bar code you just gave me?” I asked.

“You have not earned your worthiness, therefor you currently do not have your official citizenship of our planet. Your ‘Earth’ name please.”

“My name is Frank Baum.”

The Robot checked something off on it’s clipboard. “This is just for show by the way, it seems to make you Planet 279-ers feel more at ease. What is your current occupation?”

“I’m a novelist. I write books.”

The Robot put down the clipboard and raised what looked like a big scary laser gun.

“What is that for?!” I screamed.

“Eradication,” the robot replied.

“Why?! For being a novelist?! What the hell? Do you Robots not read? Or think that the people who will survive this won’t want to read?”

“You will be eradicated because all of the books have all ready been written,” the robot replied coldly.

“What?!” I laughed. “How can that be?!”

“Our writers have written all the books there ever will be, every subject has been written about. There is not a story that hasn’t been written that we already don’t have a book for.” The Robot raised it’s gun to my head.

“Wait!” I yelled. “How can you be so sure? What if I come up with a story that hasn’t been written yet. Then you have to keep me to write it for you.”

The Robot said and did nothing for a moment. “I will download all the books into my database. If you think you can come up with a story that I don’t have a book for, then you may live.”

The Robot raised one of it’s arms and shook for 30 seconds and then said, “Ready.”

“Ok,” I thought a moment. I had to come up with something incredibly wild and out there. “Do you have a book about an octopus with 6 dog’s heads that falls in love with a squirrel after terrorizing the citizens of Alabama?”

The Robot holds up a Kindle and says, ‘Yes.” On the Kindle is story entitled, ‘Bang The Squirrel Slowly.’

“I’ll be damned!” I said as the Robot raised his gun again. “Wait! Do you have a story about an octopus with 7 dog’s heads that falls in love with a squirrel after terrorizing the citizens of Japan?”

The Robot once again holds up the Kindle and displays: ‘Bang The Squirrel Slowly II: A 7 dog headed octopus falls for the orginal squirrels Japanese half sister.’

The robot raises it’s gun again. “It is futile. All books have been written except for 5. You will be eradicated.”

“Wait? What?” I stammer. “All but five? Originally you said all books have been written. Now your saying five haven’t. What five?”

The Robot lowers it’s gun. “The sacred five. They have been turned into movies. We show only the scared five on television.”

A dumb look has to cross my face. “Are you saying Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure is one of the sacred five?”

“Yes.”

“And there is no novel form of the movie?”

“Yes, only a screenplay. ”

I scratched my head, “Well then I’m your man to do that!”

The Robot raises his gun and fires. The laser hits me square in the chest knocking me back. I fall as I feel the burning of my heart and lungs inside my chest. I see the Robot standing over me. It bends over to my face. I can barely see it’s head as my eyes darken with death. I hear the robot say,

“We have already spared Steven King for that.”

~Fin~

—–

Editor’s Note:

I awoke from a horrible dream drenched in sweat and drool the other night. Of the dream I don’t remember, I only remember the echoing of these words as I arose from REM state, “We have already spared Steven King for that.”

Thus was the inspiration for that stupid story.

🙂

Lessons I (Unintentionally) Learned from Disney Princesses

Hello Reblog Thursday. Oh, you Disney Princesses…you make every little girl want to be one of you and every little boy want to hook up with Jasmine. Snow White, you really need to work on the hairdo…perhaps something a little more with the times. I have a special place for Cinderella but I think Sleeping Beauty would be the best one to marry. You would have the most freedom to play video games, watch sports, and whatnot due to her chronic sleeping habits. I think Merida would be the worst due to her hair and hard to understand accent…and her love of haggis. Gross.

So Fetch Daily

As a youngster, I recall demanding to wear a big frilly dress and a princess tiara anywhere I went. For my birthday, I wanted a pink unicorn to match my pink poofy dress and rhinestone diadem. Where did all of these silly obsessions and my fascination with all things princess stem from? From Disney movies of course! All little girls (and some little boys) grow up watching Disney movies religiously. The Disney princess stories are romanticized versions of falling in love and living happily ever after. Children (and sometimes adults) wind up dreamily following along as the princesses are swept off of their feet by a knight in shining armor and showered in the kind of wardrobe makeovers that would make a grown woman jealous. Each Disney classic also had a moral to go along with all the love and fashion goodness, and along with a taste for frill I have…

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My Simplistic Review Of Zombieland The TV Series

Amazon.com has released their first orginal program (sort of since it’s based on the movie): Zombieland The TV Series.

Along with Netflixs, Crackle, YouTube, and maybe Hulu (to lazy to fact check) this represents the direction you maybe watching TV in the future.

Watch out overpriced cable companies.

I sat down and figured out that I pay $1440 a year for cable. That’s 1106.84 in Euro my overseas amigos.

To be fair, that  price does include cable with HBO and Encore, Internet, House Phone, and a DVR.

I don’t need the house phone, but I do need HBO and AMC. HBO for True Blood, Game of Thrones, Boardwalk Empire, and Girls. AMC for Walking Dead and Breaking Bad. (Breaking Bad ends this year. If you have never watched, you should. You have to start with season one, epsiode one…yes it’s that kind of show.)

I’m trying to figure out if I can cut the Cable handcuffs. It’s $8 a month for Netflicks and Hulu Plus each. It’s $79 a year for Amazon Prime, which includes unlimited streaming of all their shows. Otherwise you are paying a price per show. And you get free shipping on crap you buy from the site.

That ends up totaling to $271 a year. I don’t know what my internet would cost unbundled. One of my friends told me they pay $79 a month. I think I can get a lower price, but I will use that for now. That gives me a grand total of $1,219 (935.75 euro or 38124.73 rubles ) a year.

It’s not that much of a savings, plus you have to add a one time expense of an Apps TV. I know what some of you techies are thinking: you can use a gaming console, google/apple TV box, or a streaming BluRay player if you want…

True…but the Apps TV is much smoother, quicker, and you only have to turn on one device instead of two.

Yup, lazy. I know.

I think I might be able to get internet for $50 a month which would bring the total down to $871 a year.

(A savings of $569 a year…and if you act now, we will throw in a second one for free!)

(A second what?)

(Shhhh! I don’t know, just go with it!)

(Whatever….)

Still debating…but regardless of the debate I do want an Apps TV….

Ooops, my review of Zombieland The TV Series…

It was hard to get used to the guy that was playing Woody Harrelson’s part…not that he was bad, just he wasn’t Woody Harrelson. Other than that the production values were much higher than I expected.

The only negatives I had was electricity and OnStar is still available in their version of the apocalypse. OnStar maybe, but electricity? Come on!

First episode is free on Amazon.com.

Some 2013 Oscar Nominees That They Had To Cut Out Of The Show

Since the Oscar’s were shown on TV last night, we are able to proudly reveal some of the winners that didn’t make it on air.

Best Second Unit Director:

Marty Scramps for Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.

The Second Unit Director is the unsung hero of the First Unit Director which is the unsung hero of the Director. Marty won for his 3 second shot of Abraham Lincoln’s childhood home. It took Marty close to seven hours to set up the scene and against all odds of union breaks and a light wind, he was able to deliver some of the most beautiful exterior house shots ever recorded.

Best Caterer:

Sal’s Hollywood Sandwiches And Fried Fish Balls for American Reunion

Sal’s is a relative newcomer to the Hollywood landscape bringing his special blend of hot and cold loose meat sandwiches paired with balls of fried fish innerards. Sal’s piece-de-resistance that earned him his Oscar is the Chipotle Salmon and Sauerkraut Fried Fish Balls.

Best Props Master:

Tina Rickles for Red Dawn

Tina won for her controversial choice of using a P90 Combination Lock on the Prop Shed over the traditional 86 C Padmaster Combination Lock. This bold move changed nothing for the movie but enabled Tina to get a 3 figure endorsement deal.

Best Armourer:

Albert Smithy for Red Dawn

Red Dawn takes another one for Best Armourer or Best Person Who Knows About Guns And Weapons And Stuff. Albert introduced some sort of long rifle gun that looked pretty cool and of course several of those rapid fire short bad guy guns too.

Best Greensman:

Bud Budsman for Brave
Normally a Greensman handles plants and trees for live action movies, but the scenery was so impressive on this computer animated cartoon that the award goes to the guy who waters the plants in Bob Iger’s office, who is the head of Disney.

Best Boom Operator:

John Strickman for 21 Jump Street

This is the guy that swings that big drop down microphone just out of reach of the camera’s eye. You would think that they could just get a robot or something to do this, but no…it’s still a union job. This is a hard category to vote on since everyone pretty much does the same adequate job…so it usually goes to the snappiest dresser.

Best Best Boy Grip:

Nicole Johns for Safe House

Normally this is not an Oscar winning category, but since the position is called: Best Boy Grip, someone pointed out that it would be funny to have a Best Best Boy Grip. Because then you can say best twice and snicker. Then someone else said it would be funny to make a woman win the Best Best Boy Grip. Nicole won because she was the only woman Best Boy Grip.

Best Limo Driver:

Jake “The Demon” Cutford for Battleship

Jake “The Demon” Cutford successfully drove a cranky Liam Neeson to the set of Battleship for 4 months without one accident or speeding ticket…but then again, so did all the limo drivers. Basically all the driver’s names are put into a hat and the winner is randomly drawn.

Best Personal Assistant To A Celebrity:

Shasha Binker for Resident Evil Retribution

Shasha is the Personal Assistant to Michelle Rodriguez and had to endure a gruelling six month shoot of hearing, “I’m more talented than this movie!” and “I wish I lasted longer on LOST!” Shasha is a new comer to the Personal Assistant business and graduated from London’s prestigious Snooty Butler Academy.

We ran out of room to tell you about the other winners, but they include the following categories:

Best Nipple Tweaker
Best Proof Reader
Best Entourage
Best Yes Man
Best Over Actor Male
Best Over Actor Female
Best Actor You Know From That TV Show Who Made A Two Second Appearance In The Movie But You Can’t Remember Their Name Or The Name Of The TV Show
Best Movie Trailer (In A Theater)
Best Movie Trailer (For An Actor To Live In Temporarily While Shooting The Movie)
Best Oscar Parody (Not even nominated.)