Some Praise For My Blog….I Think

Don’t mean to toot my own horn, but as this blog grows in readership the critics are finally taking notice of my work.

I thought I would share some of the reviews.

(Just don’t think me too cocky.)

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If you have read absolutely every other blog on the planet, and I mean every one, and your starved for something to read, or on a desert island with nothing else to read, and you have counted all the coconuts,  then I recommend Christopher De Voss’ The Zombie Journals – The Weekly Blogger

Sometimes it’s mildly funny…with stories of home life and short fiction and sometimes it’s sort of scary and disturbing by trying to jump aboard the current zombie craze. -The Bipolar Review

Whatever – The Teenager Weekly

Orlando has not, and never will be over run with Zombies. Please do not believe everything you read in this blog. Tourism is alive and well here in our great city. We are zombie free, people. Zombie free! Come see Mickey! – The Mayor Of Orlando

There are better blogs, but it’s probably worth a glance while you’re trying to take a dump – The Bathroom Reader

Mr. De Voss is disturbingly obsessed with boobs. He is like a 13 year old boy trapped in a middle aged man’s body. This man/child needs to grow up and act his age. The whole site is distasteful and degrading to women. – Howard Stern

The zombie stories suck. – Jonathon “Jasper” Johns

12 Twelve Monkeys with typewriters could do a better job than Christopher De Voss – 12 Monkeys With Typewriters

 

Big Girl Band Aids

The Toddler and I are in the car. The Toddler holds up a pink cell phone I had bought the Teenage Girl one Christmas.

Toddler: What is this?
Me: It’s a case I bought for Teenage Girl. It’s for her phone. I can’t believe she left it in the car.

The Toddler opens the cell phone case and pulls out a tampon.

Toddler: What is this?
Me: Oh…uh….It’s a band aid for big girls.
Toddler: Why is it a band aid for big girls? It’s a funny looking band aid.
Me: Yes it is. Can you put it back please, and let’s not speak of this to anyone.
Toddler: I want to wear a band aid for big girls.
Me: Oh, you can’t wear one yet. Your too small. It won’t fit.

Toddler: I’m not too small. It will fit. I want to put it on my arm.
Me: It doesn’t go on the arm. Can you put it away please.
Toddler: Then I’ll put it on my leg.
Me: It doesn’t go on the leg either. Can you please put it away.
Toddler: Then where does it go Daddy?
Me: Really?! Honey, it’s a band aid for a big girl’s who-who.
Toddler: (stares at me for a minute) Daddy your silly. You can’t put a band aid on your who-who, how will you potty?
Me: I don’t know! Just trust me. When your older you will need a band aid for your who-who, and you will be mean to your husband, and you’ll eat lots of chocolate, and sometimes you’ll cry for no reason. And if your husband is smart, once a month he will take a fishing trip and disappear for about 3 to 7 days. Now please just put it away.
Toddler: So this is a magical band aid!
Me: When your older…

The Toddler sings…

“When I’m older….when I’m older…I’ll have a magical band aid when I’m older….”

…all the way home.

The Avengers That Didn’t Get The Call

Just saw the movie, The Avengers with my sons. It was surprisingly good.

Side Note: Does every disaster/superhero/alien come to earth/Armageddon movie have to have a scene where people are running through a crowded street of parked cars that are being flipped over by lasers/creatures/unseen forces? Is that a contractual thing?

Anyway, here are some of the super heroes Nick Fury passed on in his recruiting drive to save the world:

Couch Potato Man

Can-Only-Talk-About-Legalizing-Marijuana Man

Quotes Family Guy Guy

The Human Spitball

Macgyver

Bloated Girl

Warning:Side Effects Man

Blackout Girl

Captain Morgan

Sarcastic Dude and Belittling Girl

Can’t-Find-My-Keys Man

Baba Booey

Douche Bag

Will Ferrel

McGruff the Crime Dog

Double D-Cups

Captain Stubing

Lick Windows Boy

The Human Centipede

The Grand Wizard

 Professor Dumbledore

MC Hammer and Can’t-Touch-This Boy

Hi Five Man

 

Guide To Pasta

Some helpful hints to successfully getting the most from your pasta experience.

Tip #1

Pasta tastes much better if it’s cooked. You can eat it raw, but it will be very crunchy. If you go the raw route, I suggest using a red sauce.

Tip #2

If you decide to cook your pasta, do not glue it in the shape of a sun on a piece of construction paper first. If you go with the glued pasta make sure it’s a non toxic glue.

Tip #3

Pasta is very versatile. It can be used as either a main entree or as a side dish. I would not recommend using it as both in the same meal. Example: Spaghetti and Meatballs with a side of Macaroni and Cheese would be a bad combination.

Tip #4

After cooking the pasta, be sure to drain the water off before adding any type of sauce.

Tip #5

There are many types and shapes of pasta. Here is my guide know which is which:

Spaghetti

Macaroni (no cheese)

This is a picture of Macaroni having sex. I didn’t mean to include this picture. It’s from my personal pasta porn collection. Sorry, but hey grow up…where do you think pasta comes from?

Tubes or Tubey or Tubies. If one of your friends calls them Penne then they are just being pretentious.

Multi-colored Rotini. Don’t eat the green ones, the have turned bad and are spoiled.

Bowtie Pasta

Ravioli

Mini Ravioli

Yum! Enjoy!

Share This Pointy Picture

Saw this on Facebook:

Pointy arrow to the profile picture. Genius.

So I decided to make my own.  Feel free to use them.

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Profound And Somewhat Romantic Wisdoms By Me

You are the waffles frozen together
I am your dull steak knife

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If you are a falling star, and I caught you and put you in my pocket, I would not even care if you burnt a hole through my pants…through my leg, then I would be pissed, but through my pants, no…we are cool.

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I would sail every ocean just to hear your voice…however it would be easier if you just bought a cell phone…or used Skype. Welcome to 2012.

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I would gladly be the heal on your loaf of bread.

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Your like a car that needs an oil change, and I’m your discount auto store.

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If I was missing an arm, and you were a prosthetic arm…you would complete me.

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I Won The Canadian Lottery

Life is going to be so much easier. Look what I won:

So, I acquired a fake name with a fake email and I sent this response. I’m eagerly awaiting a reply:

If I get a response, I’ll keep this post updated.

iHeart Radio thinks I’m Mentally Ill

Since I’ve discovered this little app called iHeart Radio, I barely listen to the regular radio anymore. Not only does it stream my favorite Orlando, Florida station, 104.1…but it also streams hundreds of radio stations from across the country. It also does that Pandora Radio thing where you can pick an artist and it will play that artist, plus similar artists as well. And then finally, and best feature of all, it has specialized, unique radio stations, such as Coffeeshop Rock, Workout Radio, Lollapalooza Radio, and the reason for this post, 24/7 Comedy Radio. I love 24/7 Comedy Radio. It’s what I listen to about 90% of the time I am on iHeart. 24/7 plays snippets from Stand-up comedians, famous and not-so famous, and that’s all they play.

By the way, this is not an advertisement or an endorsement for iHeart…get it or don’t…I don’t care. It is free by the way.

This being an internet radio thing, the commercials they play are not your typical advertisements. They range from such things as advertising peanut safety, identity theft protection, and how to contact the government in an emergency.

Until recently….

Recently all the commercials have been about mental illness.

All of them.

At first, I thought nothing of it. Until all the commercials disappeared, and only mental illness commercials started playing.

And I started thinking, “Wow, a lot of people must be suffering from mental illness out there.”

And then I started thinking, “I wonder how many people suffer from mental illness? I wonder how many people know it?”

And then this thought nudged that thought to the side, “What if I’m suffering from mental illness?”

And then another thought, took that thought and asked it to step outside, “What if I’m suffering from mental illness…and I don’t even know it!”

And then another thought jumped right on top of that previous thought and kicked it until it left my brain, “What if these thoughts are the first sign of mental illness?!”

And then this thought, took that thought and tackled it, tied it to the ground, and set it on fire, “What if these mental illness commercials aren’t real? What if my mentally ill brain is subconsciously making me hear mental ill commercials, but in fact, in reality, they are normal everyday commercials to everyone else…like my mentally diseased brain is reaching out and trying to help me in some way…”

And then I thought, “I should probably get some gas soon and maybe a slushy. A green slushy.”

And then this thought took that previous thought by the hand and sat it down on nice comfy plush sofa with an 80″ High Definition 3D TV set in front of it, “I like green slushies.”

And I thought no more of it.

 

May the 4th Be With You – A Tribute To Some Of My Favorite Characters From Star Wars

May the 4th is an unofficial holiday to celebrate all things Star Wars. Just in case you are unfamiliar, May the 4th be with you is a pun of May the force be with you…which of course is a famous line from the films.

Being a huge Star Wars fan as a kid, I thought I would pay tribute to some of my favorite characters:

Han Solo was the ultimate hero. Reckless and cool, Solo got the girl and saved the universe.

Chewbacca was Han Solo’s copilot and faithful friend. He also had a funny side, which appeared several times throughout the movies.

R2-D2 and C3PO act as the film’s catalysis as they weave the universe and the Star Wars saga together from Darth Vader creating C3PO as a boy, to their help in destroying the Death Star.

Darth Maul, a great character that died way too soon.

The Stormtroopers – at first seem just a mindless, expendable army, but later you learn they are clones of Boba Fett.

Boba Fett a bounty hunter on the hunt after Han Solo. This character is iconic even though his part is relatively small. Many fans want a Boba Fett movie.

The Star Wars universe was populated with many creatures and is limitless in imagination.

The baddest of the bad, scariest of the scary…evil personified, Darth Vader!

Princess Leia, shown here in slave outfit. Jabba the Hut had her in his evil clutches as the princess distracts everyone to save Luke and ultimately herself.