The Other Me Is A Fashion Designer

When you are trying to take over the internet, it’s not narcissistic to use Google Alerts.

It’s not.

Ok, it is a little…but it’s a great tool to find out where you land in the search engines, if anyone is interested in the product you’re putting out, and helps to capture who your audience is outside of the WordPress community.

I use Google Alerts to track this nonsense, as well as (and more importantly) my sister project: Long Awkward Pause.

If you are not familiar with Google Alerts, it emails you when certain words that you ask it to track are typed into the Google search engine. The other day, this pops into my email:

There are a couple of things that make this even more funny and coincidental then it already is…probably only to me…but I’m going to share anyway:

– There are a lot of people with the last name of DeVos, with the one ‘S’, not a lot with the two ‘SS’ ‘s, (that’s a lot of processor apostrophes) like mine. So the fact that there is another name exactly like mine is incredible. It would be like if there where two people named Hippo Bandersnatch in the world.

– If you go to Long Awkward Pause and look at the writers list, you will notice my brother, Jack, is also on the staff. If you really pay attention, you will notice he is billed as Jack DeVoss, while I’m billed as Christopher De Voss. (With a space between the De and the Voss) There is no space in Jack’s last name. That’s because he spells it correctly, and I do not. Why have I chosen to add a space? When I was younger, and trying to be a famous actor, I thought it looked cool. That’s all, just the coolness factor. (which there is none…(and I’m not famous, but kind of stuck with it now. (this is just to add another parenthese)))

– Target is my favorite store.

Now going back to the article that the Google Alert, altered me to; this I think, is supposed to be a picture of the Target fashion designers: Peter Pilotto and Christopher De Voss:

The article didn’t credit who is who…

One looks like a shorter version of the lead singer of Coldplay and the other looks like any lead German-born bad guy in an action movie such as Die Hard. (Die Hard 12, Die Hard With A Fashion!)

Here are some examples of their die hard fashion designs:

It all looks like something Sally from Nightmare Before Christmas would wear.

In case you are not familiar with the reference:

Sally

I think if any of my friends would say that if I designed fashion for women, it would look something like this:

Not true!

I would actually design something more in the lines of this:

Although, I would probably sneak something like this into my fashion line:

I will use this same name thing to try to score free clothes from Target:

“You don’t know who I am?! I designed this plaid button down shirt! I’m fashion designer, Christopher De Voss! Now put these clothes I have in my basket here on Target’s tab! I’m headed to the food court!”

The Hand Turkey Jive

Who decided that this:

Would make a good representation of this:

Even if you did this to it:

It still doesn’t look like this:

It’s as if you would have to break your fingers before you trace them in order to get something close:

This:

If you flip it upside down:

Wouldn’t you agree…makes a better this:

See?

Happy Thanksgiving:

My Simplistic Review Of The Smart Watch

Samsung, Sony, and Apple are all in the process of releasing a smart watch, because our sun tanned wrists are just begging for that albino skin patch to reappear when not wearing one.

The watch market has been declining rapidly over the last couple of years with everyone using their cell phones to keep time, as well as display the weather, play games, look at porn, and update Facebook…basically everything a watch can’t do.

The Contenders:

Samsung Galaxy Gear

Sony SmartWatch 2 (I think it’s a bad design for a watch if you have to hold it in your palm…wait…what? Oh, nevermind…that was just for this picture.)

The Apple iWatch  released just minutes before the Apple iWatch 2 and 3 is unveiled.

Let’s take a minute and go down memory lane…remember the calculator watch?

How scientific!

Or the game watch?

If I remember right, it was as big as your head.

Or how about the WTF watch?

The watch for douche bags. You don’t know how to read it, but it gets people to notice you and then ask you how to read it. Which just makes you look at someone else’s watch for the correct time.

From the initial reports the smart watch has to work in conjunction with your phone, so I don’t really see the point. It let’s you know when you missed a phone call from the phone that most likely is in your pocket…ringing…or vibrating…or vibrating and ringing…or has a dead battery…

Changing the face of the watch using a Galaxy Note 3. (My next phone! Want!)

Moving on.

You can do what you might expect it to do, play music, update Facebook/Twitter, check email, view the weather instead of looking out the window…and take pictures. Some of the smart watches allow you to use it as a phone with a blue tooth headset on, and we all know how special the people who use those day in and day out look.

The camera on the Samsung version is in the wrist band so that you can take pictures while looking like a posed Power Ranger without the Power Ranger outfit. Actually I don’t know if you have the outfit on or not. I apologize for assuming the latter.

The watches will range in the $300 range which is a little pricey for a watch unless your a rapper.

I got your SmartWatch bitch! (Why do you suppose this picture is taken in the bathroom?!)

One advantage the traditional watch has over the Smart Watch, the traditional watch battery can last years, whereas the Smart Watch battery is hoping to get 26 hours.

One advantage the Smart Watch has over the traditional watch, technology is cool!

It’s The Simpson’s

I live in the land of theme parks, and that land is named: Orlando.

One of the new big things that has come this summer is The Transformers ride to Universal Studios.

Bumblebee impersonating Tony Hawk.

It’s a pretty good ride. I even liked it when it was called Spiderman.

Spider-Man impersonating Tony Hawk trying to hold in a poo.

I know not everyone has made it down to Universal Studios Florida, so the joke there is that they are basically the same ride with different themes.

I’m actually more excited about something different that has come to Universal Studios and that is: Springfield!

They have had a Simpson’s ride for a couple of years and it is really good (and different from Spiderman/Transformers), and also the Kwik-E-Mart. When the ride first came, they turned a couple of the local 7/11s here into Kwik-E-Marts where they sold Buzz Cola, Krusty O’s, Pink Doughnuts, and Squishees.

To that ride, Universal has added Moe’s Tavern, Krusty Burger, The Frying Dutchman, Luigi’s, Duff Brewery, Lard Lad, and Android’s Dungeon. As well as a couple show themed places, which I don’t think where in the show itself, Cleatus’ Chicken Shack and Bumblebee Man’s Tacos.

You can correct me if I’m wrong.

I’m kind of weird about the show anyway. I’m actually not that big of fan. However, I think Homer Simpson is one of the best characters ever created. I’m a huge Homer fan. I even have a life size cardboard cutout of Homer that watches over the kids in our game room.

My my my my Homa…Kids you need to stop playing video games and go outside…but not too far outside…

For those who are not visiting me anytime soon, let me take you on a brief tour of the come-to-life Springfield.

Android’s Dungeon is actually not a comic book store but a bathroom. Kind of disappointing, but Comic Book Man did take a piss next to me when I used the facilities.

This is Moe’s and yes it is a real bar.

While we were waiting for Moe’s to open at 10:30 am…yes, you read that right…everyone would come to the door and take this picture. So the wife had too as well. I don’t think the tourists knew this was an actual real bar.

Sitting at the bar. The Flaming Moe is actually nonalcoholic. They put dry ice in the bottom of the drink to make it smoke. It tastes like orange soda. You can also get Duff, Duff Light, and Buzz Cola here.

The Flaming Moe up close.

Some more view of the inside of the bar. The guy in the picture works at the Frying Dutchman.

What could almost top Moe’s? Krusty Burger of course!

I don’t know what the special sauce is, but when they offer it, don’t turn it down. Get extra. On the side. It’s messy. Delish! Look closely at the paper lining the basket. This is the real deal.

Duff Brewery is going to be an outdoor bar. In addition to the other fine Duff products, it will also offer Duff Dark. It wasn’t open the day I was there, but it is now.

I don’t know if Lard Lad will be selling donuts, but you can find pink donuts the size of your head at Kwik-E-Mart.

Randoms Pt 17

Celebrities’ Lessor Known Siblings:

Beer Grylls drunken brother of survivalist Bear Grylls

Bahama Cruise newly discovered step sister of Tom Cruise

Nono Moore a reviewer for buffets is also the sister of Demi Moore

—–

I call this next joke: Friendly Hooters…

—–

You be the judge:

—–

Do they still make waterbeds? And 70’s porno soundtracks? Asking for a friend.

—–

Remember, the new Long Awkward Pause topic starts….today! Hint: You may find it yummy, or you may not.

—–

I said a flip flop the flippie the flippie
To the flip flip flop, and you don’t stop

— Flip Flop Rapper’s Delight

—–

“If you were to quote me, a quote of a quote, then I would expect the quoted quote, to be quote worthy.”

—As quoted by: Christopher De Voss

—–

Final Thought:

A lot of people know that milk wasn’t meant to be consumed by humans. But not everyone knows that milk isn’t supposed to be consumed by cows either. In fact, the only animal that is suppose to drink cow’s milk is the jaguar, which is nature’s little joke, since the jaguar will eat the cow if given the chance.

A Ghost Tour of St. Augustine

I finally went on a ghost tour in St. Augustine. I have been wanting to go on one ever since I moved to Florida about a hundred years ago. My wife, Laura, set this up because I’m not smart enough. I don’t even think I’m smart enough to find St. Augustine and it’s pretty much a straight shot down a toll road…then down a freeway…then down a scary tree covered country road.

If you are unfamiliar with St. Augustine it’s supposed to be the oldest city in North America. It was founded by Ponce De Leon, the first official tourist of Florida in his quest to find the Fountain of Youth.*

He found it…and it tastes like shit. For five dollars you can get a tour of the Fountain and a small taste of everlasting youth shit water, and another five buys you a bottle of the stuff.** Give it to your favorite relative who is taste bud deficient.

It doesn’t work by the way, don’t waste your money. I have proof because most of the citizens of St. Augustine look like they are ready to die.

St. Augustine Visitor’s Center Greeter.

St. Augustine is known for two things:

1) Having the oldest of everything like: the Oldest Schoolhouse, the Oldest Fort, the Oldest Jail, and the Oldest Denny’s.

And

2) Ghosts. (Lots of ghosts!)

The city itself is a history of ghastly murders, untimely deaths, and bad karma. Also, it’s built on several Native American burial grounds. That helps in keeping the population of ghosts to a maxim.  I think the St. Augustine ghosts phone their ghostly friends to come on vacation there, and why not, there are five awesome Subways*** there.

There is also something about some sort of pole lines crossing St. Augustine, thus making the kinetic and spiritual energies that much higher. St. Augustine is one of four places in the world this does that, the other three went unmentioned…probably someplace like Transylvania or Narnia.

Our choice of ghost tours included riding in a hearse for 60 bones (see what I did there), doing a pub crawl for $30 or a walking tour for $16. The walking tour included going inside a haunted building and the rental of EMF meter.

If your a cool child of the ’80’s this is NOT a meter for trying to find the one hit wonder band that sang,’ Unbelievable.’ It is actually a blinking meter device for discovering electronic pulses in the air, which apparently ghosts give off when they fart or something.

We chose the walking tour, mostly because the pub tour included four pubs, but only one drink. It just seemed like a way for some of the bars to make money as opposed to actually being haunted.

Our tour guide was pretty good with the story telling. The only problem was she was from Tennessee, so you sometimes had to really figure out what she was talking about. For example, at one point she lead us into a small courtyard with a circular object in the middle of it. She started talking about the ‘whale’ in the yard and how haunted it was…but as hard as I looked, I could see no whale anywhere. I soon figured out the ‘whale’ as actually a well. A haunted whale would have been cool though.

The highlight of the tour was stories of and a chance to explore inside this haunted Antiques Shop. The Shop looked more like someone’s garage sale as opposed to any real valuable antique dealings. The shelves were lined with VHS tapes, cassette tapes, mounted fish, and other treasures. At one point I thought maybe the ghost tour company set up this store themselves…to you know…fake a haunted location. But no, it was a real working store.

The energies in the store were supposed to bad, but I think it was mostly the air conditioner that was bad. It was beastly hot. The store was small with two back rooms, which we were allowed to explore. One room had a long dark hallway which was probably used for storage of extra garage sale items like hot wheels, mason jar drinking glasses, and one armed Barbie dolls. Supposedly the ghosts like to pinch women when the men were not around. I think I got ghostly pinched at one point, which would make my ghost gay. I would have the first encounter recorded in history with a gay ghost. A scarier encounter I had was with a light in the hallway/closet area. It was sitting on a shelf and looked like a motion light or one of those that you tap with your hand to turn it on. It couldn’t have been motioned because many people passed by it, including me, several times. However on my last swing through, it turned on. When it did, I hightailed it out of the hallway! I’m proud to say with my pants unsoiled.

Freaked me out!

And just like they do in a horror movie, which causes people who are watching the movie to ask, “Why did the go back to the haunted place? Why didn’t they just run?” I want back to the light that turned on all by itself. I put my EMF up to the light hoping it would spike all the way to red ghost danger levels…but it recorded nothing.

Here are some other things I tried to get a ghost reading off of:

A haunted creepy doll.

A haunted creepy fish.

Oh no! The ghosts got all the snacks!

Lastly, while standing on one of the many brick roads, the Ghost Tour Guide was telling a story about how the city was going to repave the broken cracked bricks with new ones. Well, when they lifted up the bricks they discovered many, many dead bodies, so they decided to leave it alone and put the bricks back as they were. I was running an app on my phone called: Ghost Radar Legacy. Basically it shows energyblips and mysterious words spoken from the other side.

I took this screenshot while in my house and playing 70’s disco music. I believe the ghosts in my house were pleased and the app just missed the word ‘Get”.

This was the list of words the app brought back, mind you while standing on the brick body road, and mind you, while listening to the ghost guide talk:

Are you freaked out yet?

*History may not be quite accurate.

** Prices may not be quite accurate.

***Shameless plug for relative’s business

 

I’m Sorry (For No Reason)

I’m sorry…

I’m sorry if the font on this blog is not good enough for you!

I’m sorry if sonetimes I misspell words, or, use, too, many, commas…

Or my sentence structure hard is to read!

I’m sorry if sometimes I use bold headers in inappropriate places.

I’m sorry if my socks don’t match!

I’m sorry if you don’t like the fact that I call my butt a bum and only British people generally do that!

I’m sorry if you find my jokes unfunny, or my Twitter/Facebook statuses unfunny. (I would include Google+, but I’m sorry, no one uses that.)

I’m sorry I don’t have a third nipple! All you high brow third nipple people can go have a dance party for all I care!

I’m sorry I’m using I’m sorry in this post a lot! I would use a synonym but that would require opening a new tab on the browser, and looking up one. I’m sorry, but I’m laying on my side while writing this, and that would require sitting up!

I’m sorry my taste in music makes you itchy.

I’m sorry that you disagree that Letters and Numbers should not be mixed together and therefor Algebra should be banned from the planet. Call me colonial purist.

I’m sorry you didn’t show me your boobs when I asked you too, and now you feel awkward about approaching me to ask me if it’s okay to show them now. Yes, it’s okay.

Speaking of awkward,                         I’m sorry for the awkward space in this sentence.

I’m srry yu disagree with my decisin t drp  a certain vwel ut f this sentence, thus rendering it hard to read. There are places where everyne uses every vwel in the English language, all the time.  Maybe yu shuld stick t thse places.

I’m sorry I’m not the poster child for Irritable Bowel Syndrome. I will sympathize with yours, but I can not represent you in Congress.

I’m sorry you don’t find it funny when I replace words in songs with ‘Fart’ or ‘Penis’. If that makes my core audience consist of mostly boys ages 9 to 14, then so be it. I’m sorry but ‘Fart In The Wind’, ‘Penisrazzi’, and ‘I Left My Fart In San Francisco’ is funny!

I’m sorry there is 🙂 a smily face in the middle of this sentence.

I’m sorry I made this picture:

I’m not sorry I made this picture:

Facebook Friday Pt 8 Candy Crush Edition

If you have not played Candy Crush, it’s a game much like Bejeweled where you match the pieces and clear the board. If you have not played Bejeweled, then skip this post all together.

Candy Crush is a little more addictive because there are different levels and boards to conquer unlike the endless dropping gems of Bejeweled. I wasn’t going to get suckered into playing, until I got suckered into playing.

And all was good…until Level 65 came along.

Level 65 is a dick. I must have played it like 50 times before unleashing my disdain on the Facebook community.

Hate to complain…but it makes me feel better. FYI: The dinos refers to Jurassic Park which is a game I play in between playing my favorite game at the moment, Simpson’s Tap Out.

Then my friend Kenny came along. Kenny recently broke his foot, so I’m sure he had lots of time to master this evil, evil, foul smelling game.

A lot of time apparently.

I call this taunt Kenny Crush.

If you have played this game, you will understand how much this hurts.

If you clear a lot of pieces the game says, “Sweet!” It would have been better if the Keanu Reeves of Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure said it. I thought it was funny.

Candy Crush depression or Candy Cression.

Kenny actually texted me with some tips and strategies. Like; did you know if they stripes on the candies are horizontal, they will blow apart the horizontal row away and same with vertical.

With Kenny’s advice, and a few exercises where he made me grab a fly from his hand with chop sticks, I was getting closer.

Until…I did it! Which means nothing in this world, but I’m so happy yay!

 

Until I got stuck on Level 78….

 

“Everyday Quotes” turn the mundane into art

It’s Thursday, time to shake out a reblog that’s been caught between the sheets. For this week’s reblog, I actually had this idea about a year ago, but I forgot I had this idea until I saw it in print on Era Magazine to which I immediately said, “Hey, that’s funny! Wait! I thought of that almost a year ago….crap!” So enjoy Era Magazine’s version of my idea, which to be fair, I never wrote down or told anyone.

Era Magazine

The trend of combining inspirational quotes floating over pretty vintage pictures is currently dominating Tumblr and Pinterest. Seems like there’s some magical quote to make you feel better about anything from being single to just being reckless and stupid. Artist Felicity Fenton puts her own spin on that trend by turning mundane phrases we’ve all uttered and spun them into art.

See the rest on her site!

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Uncle Harold’s Guide To Grilling The Perfect Steak

Uncle Harold is a lot of things…grumpy, uncultured, rednecky, illiterate, possibly a kleptomaniantic…

But the one skill the man does have, is the ability to cook the perfect steak. Uncle Harold actually wrote and published a book called: ‘Learn How To Grill The Perfect Steak– a must have skill! “

Uncle Herold demanded graciously allowed me to share a small excerpt from the book.

Enjoy?

Learn How To Grill The Perfect Steak– a must have skill!

by Harold De Voss

It will not only impress your lady friend…it will impress her father, ex-boyfriend, her twelve-year-old brother whom has only had his eyeballs glued to Skyrim for last twelve hours, the dog, the cat, and maybe even Grandma, who will put your perfect steak in the blender before eating it.

You must learn how to grill a steak, and learn how to cook it well…no, no, not well done…as a matter of fact, avoid well done at all costs. Never grill a steak past medium. But first thing’s first…attire.

Don’t dress like this:

Sidenote: Make sure the size of your grill matches the size of your manhood.

You can support your team, but lose the hat and lose the oven mitt. Remember, oven mitts are for ovens, and not grills…otherwise they would be called grill mitts.

See how that works?

Some marketing guy spent hours naming the accessories to match the appliances. You need your hands bare to help tell the temperature of the steak. Don’t be a wuss.

Don’t wear your apron over your chest either. Fold it in half around your waist.

See? Much better…

Avoid Theming:

Sidenote: The size of your spatula does not have to match the size of your manhood. People will think you are overcompensating.

If you absolutely have to theme…and don’t theme…but if you have to…don’t mix your themes…such as gay sequined Uncle Sam with ironic Native American headdress. You should have gone with gay sequined top hat complete with American flag poking out of the brim.

Finally, never over dress:

Dry cleaners laugh and charge you double for steak juice covered blazers. Also, never wear a scarf…for anything…unless you’re a mailman in Canada or Minnesota.

Onto cooking:

First thing is to be sure to let your steak come to room temperature before cooking. If you’re an Eskimo this actually means 70 degrees Fahrenheit. In Celsius, this is 21.1111 according  to Google because otherwise I wouldn’t know or care about Celsius.

Also, season after the steak is cooked, never before. Always to taste. Salt, pepper, and maybe a little powdered garlic should do the trick.

Some spices to avoid using:

• Cinnamon
• Nutmeg
• Scary
• Arsenic
• Baby Powder
• Mint
• Catsup

Never cut or poke the steak to determine it’s temperature. This will let juices escape. The best method is to check with your finger. This takes some practice, just like if you were checking a woman with your finger, but once you get the hang of it, you will be a steak grilling rock star. (Caution: Always ask a woman permission before checking her with your finger.)

Which would be weird.

How would you hold a guitar and grill at the same time…c’mon think about it!

While the steak is cooking, press on the meat in several places.

Sidenote: Wait until the steak is not engulfed by flames before touching with your fingers.

Hold your hand out like you are going to shake someone’s hand 1930’s gangster movie style, but not 2012 Gundam style.

Take the your index finger and poke the fleshy area between the thumb and palm. This is what raw meat feels like. This is also what  the fleshy area between your thumb and palm feels like.

For rare, press the tip of your index finger to the tip of your thumb. The fleshy area below the thumb should give a little. This hand position is also useful for meditating.

Gently press the tip of your middle finger to the tip of your thumb. When everyone is complaining that it’s taking too long to eat, release middle finger to upright position.

Press the tip of your ring finger and your thumb together. The flesh beneath the thumb should give a little more. My Father did all the grilling in the family. He cut his pinkie off with the lawn mower one summer, so this picture is in honor of him.

Hate you Dad.

Don’t worry about medium well or well done. Never cook a steak to these temperatures. You might as well eat McDonald’s instead. Not the food, the packaging.

Happy Grilling!