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When You’re Sick Of Holiday Movies…

23 Dec

Have you had your fill of Rankin and Bass’ stop motion holiday classic; Rudolph the Frosty Grinch?

How many times have you watched It’s A Wonderful Miracle on 34th Griswald Lane?

Can’t stomach another viewing of “You’ll Shoot Your Eye Out Charlie Brown!”?

Well, I’m here to help. Here is a list of slightly non-Christmas-y that you can watch with the whole family.

(Warning: Don’t watch any of these with the whole family.)

Rubber

 Rubber is the charming story of Robert, an abondoned tire that has been left in the desert and then suddenly and inexplicably comes to life. As Robert  rolls around, he soon discovers that he possesses terrifying telepathic powers that give him the ability to destroy anything he wishes.

`

garland

Zombie Ass: Toilet Of The Dead

 Megumi wrestles with the guilt of her bullied sister’s suicide while joining her friends on a journey deep into the woods, where they encounter the nefarious Dr. Tanaka, who conducts gruesome experiments on the living dead. Later, as Dr. Tanaka attempts to make Megumi and friends his latest test subjects, the desperate young woman uses the dual power of karate and flatulence in order to defeat her demented captor.

garland

Nude Nuns With Big Guns

 Sister Sarah is abused, brainwashed and drugged into submission by a corrupt clergy who is in the business of selling drugs. On the verge of death, Sister Sarah receives a message from GOD telling her to take vengeance on all those who did her wrong. Armed with God’s will and an arsenal of big guns and little clothing, she seeks revenge on her former tormentors.

garland

Grabbers

Strange doings are afoot on a small Irish island: the crew of a fishing boat disappears, whales start appearing dead on the shore, a local lobster-man catches a strange tentacled creature in his trap. Soon residents learn they must get very drunk to survive attacks by alien monsters who can’t tolerate a high blood alcohol level in their victims.

garland

(Remember: I didn’t say any of these were good.)

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The Very Worst Driving Instructor In The World (Me!)

6 Dec

The teenage boy is learning to drive.

I’m not helping.

At all.

I’m a bundle of nerves every time I give him the keys. I would prefer that the car be like the Flintstone mobile so I could slam my feet through the non-existent floorboard every time I feel like he is getting to close to another car.

Flintstone_Mobile

Yabba Dabba…slow down we are going to hit that car!

Sample conversation:

Me: OK, make sure you look left, right, behind you, straight ahead…watch for cars just suddenly pulling out…watch for helicopters…

Teenager: OK.

Me: Watch for semi-trucks. Semi-trucks will squash us like a bug.

Teenager: Got it, Dad, semi-trucks are bad.

Me: And taxi cabs. Taxi cabs are dicks.

Teenager: Right, taxi cabs are dicks.

Me: Hey! Watch your language! OK, now don’t get too close to the car in front of us and don’t stay too far behind it either, watch that car on the side of us…are you drifting in the other lane? I feel like your drifting…

Teenager: I’m not drifting, Dad. I’m clearly in my own lane.

Me: Maybe we should drive more in our own lane, like on the sidewalk. The sidewalk is safe. Drive on the sidewalk!

Teenager: I can’t drive on the sidewalk!

Me: No, no…you’re right. Better let me drive now, the traffic is getting bad.

Teenager: We haven’t even left the Target parking lot.

This parking lot is a little too full of cars for me to take the teenager to practice in.

This parking lot is a little too full of cars for me to take the teenager to practice in. We will have to find somewhere else.

I know, I know, I need to relax. I don’t remember my Dad freaking out as much as I do when he taught me to drive…but then again he might have been drunk. You know, it was a different time…seat belts cost extra in most cars. As a matter of fact, one of the cars my Dad owned didn’t even have a front seat. We sat on the floor and avoided the rusted out hole in it.

The major problem is that I’m in Orlando, one of the worst states for road rage and home to about 50 million lost tourists.

Where the hell is Disney?!

Where the hell is Disney located?! I don’t see a castle anywhere on this map!

I learned to drive in the great winding empty country roads of Ohio.

*singing* Country Road, take me home, to the place where I belong, no teenage drivers, mountain mama, take me home!

*singing* Country Road, take me home, to the place where I belong, no teenage drivers, mountain mama, take me home…

I know my screaming like a little girl doesn’t help his confidence. He is actually doing a pretty good job. Orlando is a tough place to drive. Besides the lost tourists, there is a mixture of cultures to contend with, each thinking they own the road, many, many, so many buses, those dick taxis, and a city that grew faster than it’s roadways can handle.

I don’t think I would want to learn to drive here.

I have been kicked off driving instruction duty, the wife is now in charge of teaching the teenager.

I’m also not allowed to cover the car in bubble wrap anymore.

And I’m suppose to replace the headliner of the car where I ripped it to shreds Wolverine style every time we came to a stop that I felt was too close.

I have also been told telling the boy it’s time for his driving lesson if he can find the car keys which I have buried somewhere in the tri-county area is not a good motivational game, and the fact that I created an old timey pirate treasure map to pin point the location of the keys does not count as helpful.

And finally if I’m going to take apart the engine, pretending it’s “broken”, I should learn how to put it back together again.

Truth be told…I can’t wait until he learns to drive so I can send him on errands…so many errands….

*evil laughter, wringing of hands, pulling on invisible curly mustache*

A Seven Year Old Writes My Blog Today

2 Dec

Me: What should I write about?

Seven Year Old: NOTHING!…The Night Before Christmas!….Duffy!…I DON’T KNOW! I’m out! Wait! Watch me jump rope!

*grabs jump rope and jumps for three seconds*

Daddy, I want a phone for Christmas! Can I go play with Whitney? I’m hungry. Can I have some Oreos? Do you know what? I liked Frozen. Do you know what my favorite part of the movie was? When she was knocking, and the snowman said, ‘Is she going to knock? She probably doesn’t know how too.’ That was funny. Here is a fake lemon. Don’t eat it, it’s fake. Can I watch TV? Is Dog with a Blog on? When’s Christmas? Do I have to go to school tomorrow? Fa la la la la LA LA LA! I like spaghetti. Can we have spaghetti for dinner. Where is Mommy? MOMMY! Oh, there’s Mommy. Mommy, Mommy, Mommy. Mommy, can we have spaghetti for dinner? Let’s play restaurant. What do you want to order? We have Fruit Salad and Fruit Cocktail. The Fruit Salad has a lot of strawberries in it and the Fruit Cocktail only has a little bit of strawberries in it. I like Fruit Salad. Can I play on the Playstation? Whitney has the new XBox. XBox is a funny word. When’s dinner? Can we have Fruit Salad for dinner? Watch me jump rope!

*grabs jump rope and jumps for two seconds*

I want some yellow pants. Will you buy me some yellow pants? Whitney has yellow pants. Do you know what’s funny? Chocolate mousse! How can a moose be chocolate? I like Skittles. Mommy likes Sour Patch Kids and you like Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups. Why do you like zombies? I hate zombies! I hate math. Do you know what would be a yummy? Chocolate moose cupcake! But don’t get the antlers suck in your mouth! HAHAHAHA! What do you think Grandma is doing right now? Watch me jump rope!

*grabs jump rope and throws it across the room*

HAHAHAHA! Daddy! The screen on your computer is still blank! Why aren’t you writing anything? You could write about my Furby! He is funny! He has no batteries. I need batteries. Daddy, why are you holding your head in your hands? Do you have a headache? I once had a headache. Hey, my tooth is loose! Look, Daddy! Look at my loose tooth!

*wiggles tooth*

Daddy, are you going to write anything? The screen is still blank. That line thing keeps blinking. Daddy, why did you put your head on the keyboard? HAHAHAHA! You wrote a bunch of D’s with your head! DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD! I can write the word Dog and Cat and Toe….

Daddy?

Are you going to write something?

The Story of the First Black Friday

29 Nov

Many, many years ago the Pilgrims sailed across the ocean surviving cramped conditions, disease, and weather.

After almost turning around twice since Google maps was lacking the proper updates, they finally reached the New World when Mrs. Jones made Captain Jones ask for directions from some sea Sirens.

But things were not any better once they landed upon the shore. They endured even more hardships: food was scarce, the winters were hard, the wifi signal sucked, and no HBO.

One day, as chance would happen, a native of the land was sent out by his wife to pick up a six pack of deer skin, when he happened upon the dying settlement. Seeing a need to help these people, and knowing his wife was going to be out all afternoon with her friends down at the river gossiping about the new shorten hem lines of the latest buffalo skin dresses of 1621, he decided to school these white devils.

The name of that Native American was Squantoski. He had learned to speak English from an illegal obtained copy of Rosetta Rock. Little know fact, it was later renamed Rosetta Stone as the program became more streamlined.

Squantoski made the mistake of introducing himself to the Pilgrim Vinny first. Vinny had the bad habit of giving everyone nicknames, and dubbed Squantoski as Squid Lips. Squid Lips did not take a liking to this nickname at all and threatened to scalp Vinny if he didn’t come up with something cooler, and thus was introduced to the rest of the village as Squanto.

Squanto taught the village how to fish, build better shelters, plant maize, and build hedge mazes.

The Pilgrims were so grateful that they invited Squanto and his posse over for a big feast of turkey, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole with those crunchy fried onions on top, canned cranberries, and small pox.

The Pilgrims thought this to be a big success, and decided to hold this dinner every year there after. The Native Americans agreed, until they started dying off from the small pox. Those that survived plotted revenge.

They thought and schemed all year and came up with a four fold plan.

Step One: Introduce the game of football. This would distract the men folk from helping to prepare the Thanksgiving meal and making the woman angry and resentful.

Step Two: Come up with the concept of Black Friday where the village merchants would hold incredible sales deals the day after Thanksgiving. The woman would go crazy over the opportunity to save money and also be sleep deprived as they stayed up all night running from store to store, and deal to deal in order to get the biggest bang for their wampum*.

Step Three: Have a plan in place so by the year 2020 Black Friday would actually start at 9:00 am on Thanksgiving Day. This would cause division and fights in families as to whether or not to shop, watch football, or eat turkey.

Step Four: As the white man slowly destroys itself every Thanksgiving Day, the Native Americans retake their land with all the casino money they have acquired over the years.

Happy Black Friday everyone!

*wampum is the currency of the pilgrim.

Grandma De Voss Finds A Trunk Full Of Old Books

28 Oct

Grandma De Voss found a trunk full of books and sent some to me that she thought I would enjoy. I told her I didn’t have much time to read anymore, but she insisted. These books look old, but some look as if they might have some potential.

 

metrosexual

butt

copsafeel

neighbor

pooped

sanders

stopblabbing

down

 

The Seven Year Old Learns To Text

18 Oct

The seven year loves to text. She texts from her ipod. She is still learning to read and write. (Like her Daddy.) Her best texts always come when she is upstairs and supposed to be sleeping.

hhj

Yes, I allow her to fall asleep to the TV. The frowny face is like the Bat Signal to something drastically wrong. In this case the TV was merely on the wrong channel, thus not allowing the ever present Disney Channel to lullaby her to sleep.

werer

She got in trouble and was sent to her room. The modern parent texts her child when the punishment is over. I’m not sure what the double J is suppose to represent, and I’m not sure why I got a frowny face after I said she could come out. I should have gotten multiple happy faces. If this kid is going to make it in this modern age, she better step it up!

hgghjg

My daughter has invented a new emoticon the winky frown.It cracks me up every time I see it. At the end she is asking for her stuffed bear, Duffy. ;(

jkhkjh

The master of the winky frown strikes again. ;(

fdsgsdfg

She is very inventive with her emoticons. I like the second to the last one. I call it the Fu Man Chu. :(-

dsfgfdg

Awwww! What a good kid! No J, thacker you!

A Lesson In Dutch Pronunciation

12 Sep
brother

My Brother….

Posted this on Facebook...

Posted this on Facebook…

With this caption....

With this caption….

Ha ha ha! Clever!

Then this happened:

This was just a play on words right? A joke? Yes?Hello?

This was just a play on words, right?

A joke you know…

Yes?

Hello?!

Oh really...uh huh...yes...yes...interesting...

Oh really…uh huh…yes…yes…interesting…zzzzzzz…..

This still works, right? Is it still funny? Huh, Dutchboy?

This still works, right? Is it still funny?

Huh, Dutch boy?

Oh...good call!

Oh…good call!

It’s The Simpson’s

8 Aug

I live in the land of theme parks, and that land is named: Orlando.

One of the new big things that has come this summer is The Transformers ride to Universal Studios.

transformers

Bumblebee impersonating Tony Hawk.

It’s a pretty good ride. I even liked it when it was called Spiderman.

amazing_spiderman

Spider-Man impersonating Tony Hawk trying to hold in a poo.

I know not everyone has made it down to Universal Studios Florida, so the joke there is that they are basically the same ride with different themes.

I’m actually more excited about something different that has come to Universal Studios and that is: Springfield!

They have had a Simpson’s ride for a couple of years and it is really good (and different from Spiderman/Transformers), and also the Kwik-E-Mart. When the ride first came, they turned a couple of the local 7/11s here into Kwik-E-Marts where they sold Buzz Cola, Krusty O’s, Pink Doughnuts, and Squishees.

squishees

To that ride, Universal has added Moe’s Tavern, Krusty Burger, The Frying Dutchman, Luigi’s, Duff Brewery, Lard Lad, and Android’s Dungeon. As well as a couple show themed places, which I don’t think where in the show itself, Cleatus’ Chicken Shack and Bumblebee Man’s Tacos.

You can correct me if I’m wrong.

I’m kind of weird about the show anyway. I’m actually not that big of fan. However, I think Homer Simpson is one of the best characters ever created. I’m a huge Homer fan. I even have a life size cardboard cutout of Homer that watches over the kids in our game room.

My my my my Homa

My my my my Homa…Kids you need to stop playing video games and go outside…but not too far outside…

For those who are not visiting me anytime soon, let me take you on a brief tour of the come-to-life Springfield.

Android's Dungeon is actually not a comic book store but a bathroom. Kind of disappointing, however Comic Book Man did take a piss next to me when I used the facilities.

Android’s Dungeon is actually not a comic book store but a bathroom. Kind of disappointing, but Comic Book Man did take a piss next to me when I used the facilities.

This is Moe's and yes it is a real bar.

This is Moe’s and yes it is a real bar.

While we were waiting for Moe's to open at 10:30 am...yes, you read that right...everyone would come to the door and take this picture. So the wife had too as well.

While we were waiting for Moe’s to open at 10:30 am…yes, you read that right…everyone would come to the door and take this picture. So the wife had too as well. I don’t think the tourists knew this was an actual real bar.

Sitting at the bar. The Flaming Moe is actually nonalcoholic. You can also get Duff, Duff Light, and Buzz Cola.

Sitting at the bar. The Flaming Moe is actually nonalcoholic. They put dry ice in the bottom of the drink to make it smoke. It tastes like orange soda. You can also get Duff, Duff Light, and Buzz Cola here.

The Flaming Moe up close.

The Flaming Moe up close.

Some view of the inside of the bar.

Some more view of the inside of the bar. The guy in the picture works at the Frying Dutchman.

What could almost top Moe's? Krusty Burger of course!

What could almost top Moe’s? Krusty Burger of course!

I don't know what the special sauce is, but when they offer it, don't turn it down. Delish!

I don’t know what the special sauce is, but when they offer it, don’t turn it down. Get extra. On the side. It’s messy. Delish! Look closely at the paper lining the basket. This is the real deal.

Duff Brewery is going to be an outdoor bar. In addition to the other fine Duff products, it was also offer Duff Dark. It wasn't open the day I was there, but it is now.

Duff Brewery is going to be an outdoor bar. In addition to the other fine Duff products, it will also offer Duff Dark. It wasn’t open the day I was there, but it is now.

I don't know if Lard Lad will be selling donuts, but you can find pink donuts the size of your head at Kwik-E-Mart.

I don’t know if Lard Lad will be selling donuts, but you can find pink donuts the size of your head at Kwik-E-Mart.

Age and Gender Appropriate

30 May

On Thursdays we reblog here. Every Thursday…well most Thursdays. Some Thursdays we forget because…well…we are stupid. Today’s reblog is also about some stupid stuff. But it’s funny stupid stuff…which is what we like.

I don’t know why I used ‘we’ like Gollum when it’s just ‘I”.

Precious.

Enjoy.

The Sperm Wizard

20 May

I saw the strange little man walking down the sidewalk way before he got to me. He was wearing long tattered brown robes and a Cincinnati Reds baseball cap, turned slightly askew on his head. He had a long grey beard with a dash of purple in it. The beard almost touched the ground. He also had a long walking stick with a metallic skull screwed on top.

The strange man was pointing at me as he slowly made his way down the sidewalk. It gave me enough time to brush the dirt off my hands and put on a shirt. I guess the weeds could wait a minute for this strange appearance of what I would guess to be Gandolf the Weird.

The strange man came right up to me, almost nose to nose and said,

“I’m Gandolf the Wired…and I’m a Sperm Wizard!”

“Oh, okay buddy,” I replied. “I really don’t swing that way…but if it helps, I support gay marriage. Truth be told, I think televised Gay Divorce Court would be hilarious!”

Gandolf knocked me the head with the skull cane.

“Listen to me!” he spit. “I am a Sperm Wizard. I can talk to the Sperm that created you! It’s still inside of you!”

“I’m pretty sure it’s not. I just watch a lesbian video on the internet today, and well…”

Gandolf knocked me on the head again.

“Please don’t do that!” I said holding his cane.

“Then listen!” Gandolf’s eyes got really beaded. “I will call forth, from your body, the very sperm that beat all other sperms…to give you life!”

“Why would I want that?” I said as I popped a breath mint into Gandolf’s mouth.

“To see if you are deserving of this life!” Gandolf replies and then stuck the head of his cane into my crotch. I could feel him pushing it against Lefty forcefully. Suddenly a bright white light shot from my pants and then…nothing.

“Well, now that you have felt me up with the skull of Freddy Mercury, that was really anti-climatic! I don’t see anything.”

“Shhh,” Gandolf the Wired whispered. “Remember sperms are small. He dangles right here in front of your face.”

“Wait..what? Are you saying there is sperm dangling in front of my face? This is like a bad dream I had once when I just hit puberty!” I shudder.

“Can you stop with the wise cracks for just a second,” Gandolf says to me rather pissed. “Oh, mighty, powerful, little creator of life…please tell us your secrets of this man’s exsistance.”

The tinest of muppet voices filled the air around us.

“Let me tell you of a journey,” the tiny Sperm voice began. “I swam the great swim with a million of my brothers and sisters. We swam together up the great dark, wet Tube of Life. A swim that we dreamed about as we lay in the Great Wrinkled Sack of Itchiness. The moment we were shot from the great Cone of Hardness, I decided I wanted to be THE ONE. My sperm friend, Christina, also wanted to be THE ONE…and I knew she would be my only competition. We raced through the dark leaving the other sperms far behind. It was just her and I…racing to be THE ONE. Christina was very confident and chit chatty as we raced, talking about how happy she was that we didn’t end up in the Tissue, like so many that had gone before us. I was in full concentration on becoming THE ONE. We finally reached the glorious OVAL of OVULATION. Christina and I stopped, the other brothers and sisters far behind, to look upon this magnifiant sight together. Our life’s destiny was about to be complete. But it could only be one of us. It could only be one life giver. I looked at Christina, and she looked at me, realizing the same thing. Christina smiled. I swam next to her and rubbed her head gently, then I ate her. Then I swam full force into the OVAL of OVUATION! I won! I brought life to you. I am what my people call a LIFE GIVER.”

I stood in shock and awe over the story from the tiny LIFE GIVER. The Sperm Wizard looked bored and asked,

“And what do you think of this life you have given, oh tiny Great One?”

Suddenly the air became really still and silent. I thought I heard the tiny Sperm sigh and take a deep breath and then say,

“I should have let Christina win.”

I nod my head in disbelief. I look at the Sperm Wizard.

“Where is my little Sperm friend approximately?” I ask.

The Sperm Wizard lifts a shaky hand and points to the air near my nose.

I raise my hands and clap them together in front of my nose. Then for extra measure I rub them together hard.

A tiny little ‘Ouch’ is heard.

The Sperm Wizard looks at me and shakes his head. He turns to go, but pauses and looks back at me,

“He is right. He should have let Christina win…”

And the Sperm Wizard disappears into the sunset.