The Story of the First Black Friday

29 Nov

Many, many years ago the Pilgrims sailed across the ocean surviving cramped conditions, disease, and weather.

After almost turning around twice since Google maps was lacking the proper updates, they finally reached the New World when Mrs. Jones made Captain Jones ask for directions from some sea Sirens.

But things were not any better once they landed upon the shore. They endured even more hardships: food was scarce, the winters were hard, the wifi signal sucked, and no HBO.

One day, as chance would happen, a native of the land was sent out by his wife to pick up a six pack of deer skin, when he happened upon the dying settlement. Seeing a need to help these people, and knowing his wife was going to be out all afternoon with her friends down at the river gossiping about the new shorten hem lines of the latest buffalo skin dresses of 1621, he decided to school these white devils.

The name of that Native American was Squantoski. He had learned to speak English from an illegal obtained copy of Rosetta Rock. Little know fact, it was later renamed Rosetta Stone as the program became more streamlined.

Squantoski made the mistake of introducing himself to the Pilgrim Vinny first. Vinny had the bad habit of giving everyone nicknames, and dubbed Squantoski as Squid Lips. Squid Lips did not take a liking to this nickname at all and threatened to scalp Vinny if he didn’t come up with something cooler, and thus was introduced to the rest of the village as Squanto.

Squanto taught the village how to fish, build better shelters, plant maize, and build hedge mazes.

The Pilgrims were so grateful that they invited Squanto and his posse over for a big feast of turkey, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole with those crunchy fried onions on top, canned cranberries, and small pox.

The Pilgrims thought this to be a big success, and decided to hold this dinner every year there after. The Native Americans agreed, until they started dying off from the small pox. Those that survived plotted revenge.

They thought and schemed all year and came up with a four fold plan.

Step One: Introduce the game of football. This would distract the men folk from helping to prepare the Thanksgiving meal and making the woman angry and resentful.

Step Two: Come up with the concept of Black Friday where the village merchants would hold incredible sales deals the day after Thanksgiving. The woman would go crazy over the opportunity to save money and also be sleep deprived as they stayed up all night running from store to store, and deal to deal in order to get the biggest bang for their wampum*.

Step Three: Have a plan in place so by the year 2020 Black Friday would actually start at 9:00 am on Thanksgiving Day. This would cause division and fights in families as to whether or not to shop, watch football, or eat turkey.

Step Four: As the white man slowly destroys itself every Thanksgiving Day, the Native Americans retake their land with all the casino money they have acquired over the years.

Happy Black Friday everyone!

*wampum is the currency of the pilgrim.

22 Responses to “The Story of the First Black Friday”

  1. floridaborne November 29, 2013 at 9:59 AM #

    This, better than anything, points out the wisdom of that old cliche, “No good deed goes unpublished…uh…unpunished.”

    Ever wonder what this country would be like if Native Americans had defended their borders better? 🙂

  2. Sean Smithson November 29, 2013 at 10:03 AM #

    As a non-American, I never really understood Thanksgiving. But this guide has set me straight for life… I thank you sir.

    • Christopher De Voss November 29, 2013 at 10:05 AM #

      OK, awesome! (may not be historically accurate.)

  3. whiteladyinthehood November 29, 2013 at 2:08 PM #

    Nothing screams Thanksgiving spirit better, than seeing the footage of grown women getting taser’d over a 5 dollar sheet sale!
    (it was a really funny post – small pox and casino references and all)

  4. November 29, 2013 at 2:42 PM #


  5. ksbeth November 29, 2013 at 4:17 PM #

    ah now it all makes sense

  6. Southern Sea Muse November 29, 2013 at 4:54 PM #

    This is too funny!

  7. gingerfightback November 30, 2013 at 2:20 AM #

    Jeez…no HBO…..

  8. David Stewart November 30, 2013 at 5:44 AM #

    I think the History Channel would be all over this. I’m not sure if you can copyright history, but I’d give it a try.

  9. Blogdramedy November 30, 2013 at 11:15 AM #

    This post was a gamble but you donned your poker face, shook the dice and crapped out a winner.

  10. silkpurseproductions November 30, 2013 at 3:29 PM #

    This sounds pretty spot on to me. Could you take a stab at “T’was The Night Before Christmas”? I’m sure your version would be a little more accurate.

  11. rayworth1973 November 30, 2013 at 4:45 PM #

    Hey, Wal-Mart is probably shoving the Christmas stuff aside to put up the Easter shit. Can’t have a delay in that… wait, need room somewhere in there for Valentine shit too…

    • Christopher De Voss November 30, 2013 at 6:31 PM #

      We should just celebrate one holiday a year, a mish mash of all the holidays put together.

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