Happy Halloween 2013

For those unfamiliar, this is a pumpkin with Walter White’s face carved into it. Walter White is from the TV show Breaking Bad, the greatest TV show ever mind you.

No matter what I did to that graphic above it either came out blurry, or came out too small to read. Thanks for nothing WordPress.

What it says is:

Me:

I can’t even cut a good triangle eye socket.

Amy:

I like to use the patterns so ppl think I’m artistic. Tricks on them ! (Emoticon with tongue sticking out)

Me:

I tried to use patterns, but they get all bunched up on the pumpkin…then my pattern of a werewolf looks like a messed up triangle eye socket.

Happy Halloween

or

Happy The Pattern Looks Easier In The Book Then It Is To Perform On The Pumpkin

or

Happy I Hope I Don’t Run Out Of Candy Before Those Damn Teenagers Who Decided At 10 O’clock At Night To Go Trick Or Treating With Their Pillow Case And Besides Aren’t They Too Old To Go Trick Or Treating Anyway?

or

Happy Turn Off All Your Lights And Make No Noise Because Your Too Cheap Or Lazy To Buy/Give Out Candy

or

Happy Go Downtown And Stare At All The Ladies’ Butts That Are Hanging Out Of The Bottom Of Their Bumble Bee Costumes

or

Happy Go Through Your Kids’ Candy And Stick The Bit O’ Honey Back Into The Candy Bowl To Give To Other Trick Or Treaters

Facebook Friday Pt 9

Happy Friday to all of yous with regular jobs:

I thought I would share some posts from some of my friends as well:

~Fin~

A Lesson In Dutch Pronunciation

My Brother….

Posted this on Facebook…

With this caption….

Ha ha ha! Clever!

Then this happened:

This was just a play on words, right?

A joke you know…

Yes?

Hello?!

Oh really…uh huh…yes…yes…interesting…zzzzzzz…..

This still works, right? Is it still funny?

Huh, Dutch boy?

Oh…good call!

Breaking Bad, Breaking Balls

Joe is the morning jock on one of the coolest stations in the country, CD102.1 FM. (I think…it used to be 101.1, but something happened. It’s in my hometown in Columbus, Ohio which is why I’m confused, ’cause I currently live in Florida. Anyway, it was one of the first stations to branch outside the mainstream of standard cut and dry rock and roll, and play whatever music they wanted. Enough background.)

Joe is a good guy, and has met more famous people than me*, but he is missing the mark here:

That Tim guy doesn’t watch the show, you can tell by the ignorant comment. Number one rule of social media, never comment on a show you have never watched. You will look stupid every time.

This…

…blows up to this…Oh the irony because Game of Thrones doesn’t take over the internet while it’s on…except for maybe this year because it sucked.

Jeff, you are my favorite person I don’t know on this thread. (Joe, your still my favorite person I do know on this thread.)

I, of course, like someone who has a favorite sports team, have my Facebook timeline decked out for today:

It’s my team’s colors.

The show resumes tonight, so if you need to get catch up:

*Which has nothing to do with this post. Just makes me jealous**.

**I’m hoping to be published again at the end of the year. I’m waiting to hear back from The Zombie Survival Crew.***

***I was supposed to meet Michael Rooker from the first time I was published with ZSC, so hopefully I can remind**** them of that if I’m chosen again for their new publication….’cause I never got to meet him. Maybe I can meet ‘Maggie’ instead…

****Although if I push the issue, they may not accept my submission***** because they may think I’m being a dick.******

*****I have to play it cool because this new publication is outside my comfort zone. So maybe I won’t push the issue until after the book hits the stores.

******I am a dick.

Randoms Pt 17

Celebrities’ Lessor Known Siblings:

Beer Grylls drunken brother of survivalist Bear Grylls

Bahama Cruise newly discovered step sister of Tom Cruise

Nono Moore a reviewer for buffets is also the sister of Demi Moore

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I call this next joke: Friendly Hooters…

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You be the judge:

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Do they still make waterbeds? And 70’s porno soundtracks? Asking for a friend.

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Remember, the new Long Awkward Pause topic starts….today! Hint: You may find it yummy, or you may not.

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I said a flip flop the flippie the flippie
To the flip flip flop, and you don’t stop

— Flip Flop Rapper’s Delight

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“If you were to quote me, a quote of a quote, then I would expect the quoted quote, to be quote worthy.”

—As quoted by: Christopher De Voss

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Final Thought:

A lot of people know that milk wasn’t meant to be consumed by humans. But not everyone knows that milk isn’t supposed to be consumed by cows either. In fact, the only animal that is suppose to drink cow’s milk is the jaguar, which is nature’s little joke, since the jaguar will eat the cow if given the chance.

Long Awkward Pause – A New Adventure In Blogging

In lieu of reblog Thursday, I have some exciting news.

I’m announcing the birth of a new, exciting, epic, original, ingenious, bold, spicy, operatic, collaborative masterpiece:

Long Awkward Pause!

What is Long Awkward Pause you may ask…and even if you didn’t ask, you may ask after you recover from your excitement over this announcement.

(I will wait until you pick yourself up off the floor, dust your pants off, and compose yourself thus-ly.)

Long Awkward Pause is a humor magazine collaboration between myself, Blurt, B.L.O.G., Monk Monkey, and Ramblings Of An Apathetic Adult Baby. We will take reader submitted topics  and write about them either once or twice a month depending on schedule, earth rotation, Chick-fil-a openings, births, deaths, oil changes, and other such hazards of the blog world.

I’m really excited to work with these guys, and I hope you’ll be just as excited to read our stuff. And if your not excited, at least tell your friends how not excited you are about this site, and how they should check it out for themselves.

You can view  the site, here. Don’t forget to follow, pretty please. Currently the site is just featuring reblogs of us, the actual first post will be on or around Aug. 2nd. It’s a topic submitted by Jo Ellen of Two On A Rant and it’s a tasty one. Feel free to fill out the form on the about page and suggest your own musings.

For everyone who follows, you will receive one free email notification!

Facebook Friday Pt 8 Candy Crush Edition

If you have not played Candy Crush, it’s a game much like Bejeweled where you match the pieces and clear the board. If you have not played Bejeweled, then skip this post all together.

Candy Crush is a little more addictive because there are different levels and boards to conquer unlike the endless dropping gems of Bejeweled. I wasn’t going to get suckered into playing, until I got suckered into playing.

And all was good…until Level 65 came along.

Level 65 is a dick. I must have played it like 50 times before unleashing my disdain on the Facebook community.

Hate to complain…but it makes me feel better. FYI: The dinos refers to Jurassic Park which is a game I play in between playing my favorite game at the moment, Simpson’s Tap Out.

Then my friend Kenny came along. Kenny recently broke his foot, so I’m sure he had lots of time to master this evil, evil, foul smelling game.

A lot of time apparently.

I call this taunt Kenny Crush.

If you have played this game, you will understand how much this hurts.

If you clear a lot of pieces the game says, “Sweet!” It would have been better if the Keanu Reeves of Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure said it. I thought it was funny.

Candy Crush depression or Candy Cression.

Kenny actually texted me with some tips and strategies. Like; did you know if they stripes on the candies are horizontal, they will blow apart the horizontal row away and same with vertical.

With Kenny’s advice, and a few exercises where he made me grab a fly from his hand with chop sticks, I was getting closer.

Until…I did it! Which means nothing in this world, but I’m so happy yay!

 

Until I got stuck on Level 78….

 

Facebook Friday Pt 7

It’s always cool when a celebrity respondes to your tweet. I got two celebrities to respond to me this week.

I tweeted this out:

And got this lengthy explaination:

I knew it!

And even more impressive, when I tweeted this:

I got this:

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Got some backlash on this one. It was only a joke. I bought her Mother’s Day present at Family Dollar a week ago.

For those that don’t wish to squint it says: My favorite kid’s playground toy: “Let’s pretend to drive a fence.”

Facebook Friday Pt 6

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Facebook Friday Pt 5 (On A Wednesday)

Some of my favorite Facebook posts as of late: