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Grandma De Voss Finds Some Old Movie Posters

6 Jan

Grandma De Voss was up in her attic again, cleaning. The last time she sent me some books. This time she found some old movie posters from the around the 40’s, 50’s, and 60’s. I thought they might look good on the loft wall.

fatdress

plotdoesnt

overcompensate

scentedcandles

niceboobs

Thanks Grandma!

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The Hand Turkey Jive

25 Nov

Who decided that this:

handtraceWould make a good representation of this:

turkey

Even if you did this to it:

handturkey1

It still doesn’t look like this:

turkey

It’s as if you would have to break your fingers before you trace them in order to get something close:

handturkey2

This:

handtrace

If you flip it upside down:

inverthandtrace

Wouldn’t you agree…makes a better this:

jellyfish1

See?

jellyfish

Happy Thanksgiving:

jellyfish dinner

Grandma De Voss Finds A Trunk Full Of Old Books

28 Oct

Grandma De Voss found a trunk full of books and sent some to me that she thought I would enjoy. I told her I didn’t have much time to read anymore, but she insisted. These books look old, but some look as if they might have some potential.

 

metrosexual

butt

copsafeel

neighbor

pooped

sanders

stopblabbing

down

 

If Blogging Invaded TV Shows

29 Aug

If Blogging Invaded TV Shows:

trueblog

Local newspaper reporter Susie Stackedhouse knows how it feels to be an outcast. “Cursed” with the ability to post three times a day, she starts a blog about vampires and vampire culture. When  vampire/blogger Burt Romperton, a handsome 173-year-old living vamp comes to town, Susie is drawn into a series of journal blogs surrounding Burt’s mysterious penchant for only posting at night. Add in a blogging werewolf, several video blogging fairies, and a Tumblr addict shapeshifter, and Susie’s world will never be the same again.

bloggingdead

The Blogging Dead tells the story of the months and years that follow after the internet is destroyed. A group of bloggers, led by a ranter blogger, Dick Grimey, travel in search of a new internet connection. Along the way they encounter dangerous groups of people with no internet…and nothing to do. This new people just stumble aimlessly around, lost and growling, looking for something…The group must survive these internet-less zombies…and each other…

bloggingbad

“Blogging Bad” follows protagonist Willy Whipple, a copyright editor who lives in New Mexico with his wife  and teenage son who has dyslexia. Whipple is diagnosed with Stage 12 cancer and given a prognosis of two months left to live. With a new sense of fearlessness based on his medical prognosis, and a desire to secure his family’s financial security, Whipple chooses to enter a dangerous world of blogging with Amazon Advertisers to help pay the bills. The series explores how a copyright editor such as Whipple releases a typical How-To blogger from the daily care free post-whenever-the-wind-blows-world and follows his transformation into corporate spokesperson.

blogmen

The show revolves around the conflicted world of Dude Dabbler, the biggest blogger in the business, and his co-writers. As Dude makes the decisions on which articles to post, he struggles to stay a step ahead of the rapidly changing social media fickle times and the young bloggers who just want to post boob pictures nipping at his heels.

gamesofblogs

Summers with kids out of school seem to span decades. Winters can last a lifetime. And the struggle for the Blogging Throne has begun. It will stretch from the south, where budding recipe bloggers think they should publish a cookbook; to the vast and savage eastern lands filled with fashion bloggers; all the way to the frozen north. Sex Bloggers, Ranters, Mommy Bloggers, Travel Bloggers, Reviewers, …all will play the “Game of Blogs.”

90120

For Sammy and Rudolph, the awkwardness of being the new bloggers is made worse by the fact that their dad has taken a job as the High School Journalism teacher. The school is one big culture shock for Sammy, a sweet and friendly blogger with a passion for cutting and pasting google images, and Rudolph, a wiz at blogging lists, and who was adopted by the Wilton family after they took him in as a foster child. Sammy and Rudolph have a close sibling relationship, which they’ll need to help them cope with all the teen bloggers, including Naomi, who doesn’t use her real name on her blog; Erik, a popular video game reviewer; David, an aspiring blog journalist who heads up the school’s stamp collecting club; and Goldy, a rebel who produces and stars in a YouTube-type video series. The Wilton family has just begun to realize how much their lives are about to be published.

If Taylor Swift Wrote About Real Life

22 Jul

McDonald’s Story

2611009-taylor-swift-Brian-Doben-617-409

Standing in line waiting to order a burger

Your register girl is slow like a tumor

She doesn’t even know what a number 2 combo is

A number 2 is

The next thing I know

A wet floor cone is on the floor

I see no spill

So I walk around it

Walk around it

Chorus 1:

I ordered a 10 piece
You gave me 9 pieces
Where’s my Bar-B-Que?
It doesn’t look like the picture
Is this even real cheese?
This is my McDonald’s story
 

I look at the fry carton, it’s only half full

Just ’cause I’m skinny

Doesn’t mean I don’t like french fries

I like french fries

The drive through is backed up

People are screaming

Problem is the manager is only 14

He is only 14

Chorus 2:

I ordered a 10 piece
You gave me 9 pieces
I ordered a milkshake
You gave me a smoothie
Ronald kind of scares me
This is my McDonald’s story
 
swiftshake
 
 

I’m Sorry (For No Reason)

25 Jun

I’m sorry…

I’m sorry if the font on this blog is not good enough for you!

I’m sorry if sonetimes I misspell words, or, use, too, many, commas…

Or my sentence structure hard is to read!

I’m sorry if sometimes I use bold headers in inappropriate places.

I’m sorry if my socks don’t match!

I’m sorry if you don’t like the fact that I call my butt a bum and only British people generally do that!

I’m sorry if you find my jokes unfunny, or my Twitter/Facebook statuses unfunny. (I would include Google+, but I’m sorry, no one uses that.)

I’m sorry I don’t have a third nipple! All you high brow third nipple people can go have a dance party for all I care!

I’m sorry I’m using I’m sorry in this post a lot! I would use a synonym but that would require opening a new tab on the browser, and looking up one. I’m sorry, but I’m laying on my side while writing this, and that would require sitting up!

I’m sorry my taste in music makes you itchy.

I’m sorry that you disagree that Letters and Numbers should not be mixed together and therefor Algebra should be banned from the planet. Call me colonial purist.

I’m sorry you didn’t show me your boobs when I asked you too, and now you feel awkward about approaching me to ask me if it’s okay to show them now. Yes, it’s okay.

Speaking of awkward,                         I’m sorry for the awkward space in this sentence.

I’m srry yu disagree with my decisin t drp  a certain vwel ut f this sentence, thus rendering it hard to read. There are places where everyne uses every vwel in the English language, all the time.  Maybe yu shuld stick t thse places.

I’m sorry I’m not the poster child for Irritable Bowel Syndrome. I will sympathize with yours, but I can not represent you in Congress.

I’m sorry you don’t find it funny when I replace words in songs with ‘Fart’ or ‘Penis’. If that makes my core audience consist of mostly boys ages 9 to 14, then so be it. I’m sorry but ‘Fart In The Wind’, ‘Penisrazzi’, and ‘I Left My Fart In San Francisco’ is funny!

I’m sorry there is 🙂 a smily face in the middle of this sentence.

I’m sorry I made this picture:

ad2

I’m not sorry I made this picture:

unicorn2

Spongebob To Golf And Back

25 Mar

Sick. Sick. Sick.

I’ve been sick.

It was much more worse two weeks ago.

On Sunday I sat in a chair and just let the kids do whatever they want. My plan was to either:

A) Sleep and not move until I felt better

or

B) Die.

The 6 year old’s plan was to watch endless hours of Spongebob Squarepants on the DVR.

images

She did.

I did too.

Eventually she moved on to her karaoke machine to sing One Direction’s What Makes You Beautiful. (Her own special version.)

I watched the rest of Spongebob with the One Direction song blaring in the other room. The episode ended and clicked off of the DVR, leaving me with Golf…and the TV remote across the room on the couch.

In my sick state, it might as well have been in Iceland.

Or Greenland.

Or Mordor.

Or Mordorland.

Even though I live in Florida, I’m not a golfer. I tried a couple of times. I had a lot of fun too, until the greenskeeper yelled at me to stop racing the other golfers in the golf carts, and that I needed to actually play the game of golf. I got kicked out when they found out I didn’t even have a set of golf clubs with me.

I have never watched golf on TV before…

I found it boring to play, so I doubt I would find it much more stimulating to watch.

I was wrong! It was quite actually entertaining to watch. Now it could have just been the fever boiling my brain that made it so fun to watch, but regardless I was hooked for the afternoon.

First question that popped into my head…who decided it was a good idea to take the smallest ball possible and try to shoot it into a hole four miles away? This is where mini golf is better, because the hole is only 4 feet away and you get to travel through a windmill.

mini-golf-windmill-vlg8il

I think orginally the Scottish invented golf as a joke on everyone else.

“Ah, laddies! Here is a new sport…(hee hee). Try to take this itty bitty ball and put it in the hole way yonder there! You can’t see the hole, but trust me…it’s there. Swing this metal stick against the ball. Oh, and you can only do it in three tries or less. If not, you have to throw that tree stump around!”

scottish

Second question: How close are the golf announcers to the actual golf players in order that they have to talk like yoga instructors? I watched the golfers move from hole to hole…without golf carts mind you, no racing for these guys…but when they cut back to the anouncers, they didn’t seem to move at all…yet still talked like they were trying to put me in a trance.

For some reason after watching this telecast, on certain key words I will take off all my clothes and cluck like a chicken…but I don’t want to talk about it.

Shhhhhh!

Shhhhhh!

as

(Asparagus)

The most impressive thing about watching golf on TV….the cameramen! They can follow that teeny tiny golf ball from swing to water hole. I wonder if you have to go to special golf cameraman school for that?

Golf cameramen get to race golf carts.

Golf cameramen get to race golf carts.

At the very end Tiger Woods won, which I guess doesn’t happen very often anymore…. ?

I don’t know.

People seemed excited about it. The strange thing was, was that Tiger Woods’ caddie slapped him on the butt like a football player! That’s dangerous man! Give Tiger the right opening and he will have sex with you.

It's in the game.

It’s in the game.

My Simplistic Review Of French Onion Dip Flavored Pringles

14 Nov

My Simplistic Review Of French Onion Dip Flavored Pringles

Not that good.

—–

I was going to leave it at that…but I started looking at the can…and I noticed something…if you zoom in closer…

No…closer…

A little more closer…

Now look really close at the bowl of dip on the table….

Right there…what is that? Let’s zoom closer…

It’s a tiny confused Will Smith head in the bowl of dip!

Weird!

Finally! Zombie Book Published! Well Almost. (That Wasn’t Fast…At All)

5 Nov

The Zombie Survival Crew* is an enthusiast blog showcasing different recipes that are not only tasty, but help you lose weight as well. The meatloaf a la king is one of my favorites.

Ok, not quite. Pretty much the title of the group says it all: Zombie Survival Crew.

Right?

There are a couple big names associated with ZSC, some guys from The Walking Dead, some guys from True Blood, the guy who plays Candyman…some others.

So the ZSC crew teaches you how to survive a zombie apocalypse through their website, selling merchandise, and events. Some of the people in the ZSC have ranks like First Lieutenant, General, and Captain…

I don’t have a rank.

Or I might be ranked…something like: Dish Room Attendant. I don’t know for sure. They handed me a scrub brush and a hairnet when I joined.

But I am a member of the Red Brigade! Whoo hoo! I don’t know what the different brigade colors mean, but I think Red Brigade sounds important.

And I’m getting published in their second anthology, finally being released on December 1st!

The book will be filled with zombie stories, poetry, and art. A great Christmas present for your 4 year old…or Grandpa.

Of the two press releases I have seen, I’m actually listed in them!

Whoever highlighted my name, thank you.**

Even though I was last,  at least I made it above the “many others” line.

I hope I get to meet Michael Rooker because of this…

I probably won’t, but I think I should.

This is the cover of the book:

It’s nice. A little busier than I like, but it’s not my publishing endeavor, so you know…

Well, now that we are talking about it…I do have a few suggestions.

Even though this is a compilation piece, might I suggest this:

Pretty good! What do you think?

You know what…

It might be a good idea to include the celebrities*** that are involved with the project. It’s easier to sell stuff with celebrity names attached.

Much Better

But one other thing…

The picture.

It’s pretty cool, but I had another idea in mind.

Awesome cover!

If you want to buy the book with the real cover, you can check it out HERE.

*We will call it ZSC for short. (Which makes sense, right?)
** It was me
***Besides myself

Things I Wished My Smartphone Would Do…

29 Oct

Things I Wished My Smartphone Would Do…

(Redneck translation: Things I Wish My Cell Phone Done Did!)

Ohhhhhhhhhhh, sure, Smartphones are really cool and all, with their technology, and their apps, and the texting, and the music, and the TV….

Annnnnnnd sure they are improving them all the time with the better screen resolution,  and the faster processors, and the iPhone version X coming out every six months…

…but I still want more.

Maybe some everyday household uses as well could be built into the phones, such as:

Electric Razor

TV Remote

Projection TV

Keys For My Car

A Comb

Knife and Fork. (I realize you need two phones.)

Portable Paint Brush

Bottle Opener