The Sperm Wizard

20 May

I saw the strange little man walking down the sidewalk way before he got to me. He was wearing long tattered brown robes and a Cincinnati Reds baseball cap, turned slightly askew on his head. He had a long grey beard with a dash of purple in it. The beard almost touched the ground. He also had a long walking stick with a metallic skull screwed on top.

The strange man was pointing at me as he slowly made his way down the sidewalk. It gave me enough time to brush the dirt off my hands and put on a shirt. I guess the weeds could wait a minute for this strange appearance of what I would guess to be Gandolf the Weird.

The strange man came right up to me, almost nose to nose and said,

“I’m Gandolf the Wired…and I’m a Sperm Wizard!”

“Oh, okay buddy,” I replied. “I really don’t swing that way…but if it helps, I support gay marriage. Truth be told, I think televised Gay Divorce Court would be hilarious!”

Gandolf knocked me the head with the skull cane.

“Listen to me!” he spit. “I am a Sperm Wizard. I can talk to the Sperm that created you! It’s still inside of you!”

“I’m pretty sure it’s not. I just watch a lesbian video on the internet today, and well…”

Gandolf knocked me on the head again.

“Please don’t do that!” I said holding his cane.

“Then listen!” Gandolf’s eyes got really beaded. “I will call forth, from your body, the very sperm that beat all other sperms…to give you life!”

“Why would I want that?” I said as I popped a breath mint into Gandolf’s mouth.

“To see if you are deserving of this life!” Gandolf replies and then stuck the head of his cane into my crotch. I could feel him pushing it against Lefty forcefully. Suddenly a bright white light shot from my pants and then…nothing.

“Well, now that you have felt me up with the skull of Freddy Mercury, that was really anti-climatic! I don’t see anything.”

“Shhh,” Gandolf the Wired whispered. “Remember sperms are small. He dangles right here in front of your face.”

“Wait..what? Are you saying there is sperm dangling in front of my face? This is like a bad dream I had once when I just hit puberty!” I shudder.

“Can you stop with the wise cracks for just a second,” Gandolf says to me rather pissed. “Oh, mighty, powerful, little creator of life…please tell us your secrets of this man’s exsistance.”

The tinest of muppet voices filled the air around us.

“Let me tell you of a journey,” the tiny Sperm voice began. “I swam the great swim with a million of my brothers and sisters. We swam together up the great dark, wet Tube of Life. A swim that we dreamed about as we lay in the Great Wrinkled Sack of Itchiness. The moment we were shot from the great Cone of Hardness, I decided I wanted to be THE ONE. My sperm friend, Christina, also wanted to be THE ONE…and I knew she would be my only competition. We raced through the dark leaving the other sperms far behind. It was just her and I…racing to be THE ONE. Christina was very confident and chit chatty as we raced, talking about how happy she was that we didn’t end up in the Tissue, like so many that had gone before us. I was in full concentration on becoming THE ONE. We finally reached the glorious OVAL of OVULATION. Christina and I stopped, the other brothers and sisters far behind, to look upon this magnifiant sight together. Our life’s destiny was about to be complete. But it could only be one of us. It could only be one life giver. I looked at Christina, and she looked at me, realizing the same thing. Christina smiled. I swam next to her and rubbed her head gently, then I ate her. Then I swam full force into the OVAL of OVUATION! I won! I brought life to you. I am what my people call a LIFE GIVER.”

I stood in shock and awe over the story from the tiny LIFE GIVER. The Sperm Wizard looked bored and asked,

“And what do you think of this life you have given, oh tiny Great One?”

Suddenly the air became really still and silent. I thought I heard the tiny Sperm sigh and take a deep breath and then say,

“I should have let Christina win.”

I nod my head in disbelief. I look at the Sperm Wizard.

“Where is my little Sperm friend approximately?” I ask.

The Sperm Wizard lifts a shaky hand and points to the air near my nose.

I raise my hands and clap them together in front of my nose. Then for extra measure I rub them together hard.

A tiny little ‘Ouch’ is heard.

The Sperm Wizard looks at me and shakes his head. He turns to go, but pauses and looks back at me,

“He is right. He should have let Christina win…”

And the Sperm Wizard disappears into the sunset.


37 Responses to “The Sperm Wizard”

  1. tarnishedsophia May 20, 2013 at 9:08 AM #

    Hmmm. Maybe he should have, at that… 😛
    Just kidding!

  2. Rhonda May 20, 2013 at 9:09 AM #

    You are a kook and this is quite funny…I see a children’s book in your future…makes it so much easier to explain the birds and the bees. oh, and of course, a life lesson too….it’s a sperm eat sperm world out there…(and does it surprise me that your ate your first female as a tadpole? not in the least!!)

    • Christopher De Voss May 20, 2013 at 10:02 AM #

      I think my children’s book would banned everywhere. 😉

      • cjriordan May 25, 2013 at 11:44 AM #

        Not necessarily. They have entire children’s books devoted to poop. I see potential here… 😉

      • Christopher De Voss May 25, 2013 at 11:48 AM #

        My god you are right!

      • cjriordan May 25, 2013 at 11:52 AM #

        🙂 Be sure to remember me on the acknowledgement page, will you darling?

      • Christopher De Voss May 25, 2013 at 11:54 AM #

        But of course!

  3. David Stewart May 20, 2013 at 9:17 AM #

    “The Sperm Whisperer” Sounds like Oscar-bait to me. I’m just saying, maybe get a script together.

    • Christopher De Voss May 20, 2013 at 10:03 AM #

      Just in time for next year’s ceremonies. Let’s do it.

  4. G May 20, 2013 at 10:02 AM #

    Giggles, thank you! Christina’s spirit always lives on!

  5. silkpurseproductions May 20, 2013 at 11:20 AM #

    I guess this means when they say, “get in touch with your inner female”, in your case it is quite literal and her name is Christina.

  6. Daan van den Bergh May 20, 2013 at 11:55 AM #

    Well, I for one am happy this particular sperm didn’t end up in the Tissue of Infertility, because otherwise this story would’ve never existed. Hilarious!

  7. The Vanilla Housewife May 20, 2013 at 1:18 PM #

    you are crazy and funny 🙂

  8. denmother May 20, 2013 at 10:55 PM #

    Should someone be exploring the ethics and consequences of squishing your origin sperm?

  9. ohlidia May 21, 2013 at 12:13 PM #

    You are quite funny… I loved this! Have you ever considered writing professionally?

    • Christopher De Voss May 21, 2013 at 2:04 PM #

      I have considered it, but the people who pay people to write have not considered it.

  10. gingerfightback May 21, 2013 at 3:18 PM #

    Sperm stories – what more in life can we want?

  11. The Bumble Files May 21, 2013 at 8:22 PM #

    The great cone of hardness…ha ha…those silly sperm. I think this would make a perfect children’s book, The Life Giver.

  12. Monk Monkey May 22, 2013 at 7:25 AM #

    Best blog post of all time… except for that 3 stooges impersonation video I saw once.

    • Christopher De Voss May 22, 2013 at 7:52 AM #

      That one was in Australian without sub-titles. I had trouble folowing it.

      • Monk Monkey May 22, 2013 at 6:42 PM #

        It would have made more sense if it was Shemp not Curly maybe.

      • Christopher De Voss May 23, 2013 at 7:56 AM #

        Maybe…or the reboot version…

      • Monk Monkey May 29, 2013 at 6:32 AM #


  13. Andrew May 22, 2013 at 10:45 PM #

    Holy shit… (in a good way. not the I smashed my toe on a brick way).

    • Christopher De Voss May 23, 2013 at 7:56 AM #

      Good because I hate the smashed my toe on a brick way.

      • Andrew May 23, 2013 at 9:47 AM #

        Hurts. So. Bad.

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