It’s The Simpson’s

I live in the land of theme parks, and that land is named: Orlando.

One of the new big things that has come this summer is The Transformers ride to Universal Studios.

Bumblebee impersonating Tony Hawk.

It’s a pretty good ride. I even liked it when it was called Spiderman.

Spider-Man impersonating Tony Hawk trying to hold in a poo.

I know not everyone has made it down to Universal Studios Florida, so the joke there is that they are basically the same ride with different themes.

I’m actually more excited about something different that has come to Universal Studios and that is: Springfield!

They have had a Simpson’s ride for a couple of years and it is really good (and different from Spiderman/Transformers), and also the Kwik-E-Mart. When the ride first came, they turned a couple of the local 7/11s here into Kwik-E-Marts where they sold Buzz Cola, Krusty O’s, Pink Doughnuts, and Squishees.

To that ride, Universal has added Moe’s Tavern, Krusty Burger, The Frying Dutchman, Luigi’s, Duff Brewery, Lard Lad, and Android’s Dungeon. As well as a couple show themed places, which I don’t think where in the show itself, Cleatus’ Chicken Shack and Bumblebee Man’s Tacos.

You can correct me if I’m wrong.

I’m kind of weird about the show anyway. I’m actually not that big of fan. However, I think Homer Simpson is one of the best characters ever created. I’m a huge Homer fan. I even have a life size cardboard cutout of Homer that watches over the kids in our game room.

My my my my Homa…Kids you need to stop playing video games and go outside…but not too far outside…

For those who are not visiting me anytime soon, let me take you on a brief tour of the come-to-life Springfield.

Android’s Dungeon is actually not a comic book store but a bathroom. Kind of disappointing, but Comic Book Man did take a piss next to me when I used the facilities.

This is Moe’s and yes it is a real bar.

While we were waiting for Moe’s to open at 10:30 am…yes, you read that right…everyone would come to the door and take this picture. So the wife had too as well. I don’t think the tourists knew this was an actual real bar.

Sitting at the bar. The Flaming Moe is actually nonalcoholic. They put dry ice in the bottom of the drink to make it smoke. It tastes like orange soda. You can also get Duff, Duff Light, and Buzz Cola here.

The Flaming Moe up close.

Some more view of the inside of the bar. The guy in the picture works at the Frying Dutchman.

What could almost top Moe’s? Krusty Burger of course!

I don’t know what the special sauce is, but when they offer it, don’t turn it down. Get extra. On the side. It’s messy. Delish! Look closely at the paper lining the basket. This is the real deal.

Duff Brewery is going to be an outdoor bar. In addition to the other fine Duff products, it will also offer Duff Dark. It wasn’t open the day I was there, but it is now.

I don’t know if Lard Lad will be selling donuts, but you can find pink donuts the size of your head at Kwik-E-Mart.

Long Awkward Pause – A New Adventure In Blogging

In lieu of reblog Thursday, I have some exciting news.

I’m announcing the birth of a new, exciting, epic, original, ingenious, bold, spicy, operatic, collaborative masterpiece:

Long Awkward Pause!

What is Long Awkward Pause you may ask…and even if you didn’t ask, you may ask after you recover from your excitement over this announcement.

(I will wait until you pick yourself up off the floor, dust your pants off, and compose yourself thus-ly.)

Long Awkward Pause is a humor magazine collaboration between myself, Blurt, B.L.O.G., Monk Monkey, and Ramblings Of An Apathetic Adult Baby. We will take reader submitted topics  and write about them either once or twice a month depending on schedule, earth rotation, Chick-fil-a openings, births, deaths, oil changes, and other such hazards of the blog world.

I’m really excited to work with these guys, and I hope you’ll be just as excited to read our stuff. And if your not excited, at least tell your friends how not excited you are about this site, and how they should check it out for themselves.

You can view  the site, here. Don’t forget to follow, pretty please. Currently the site is just featuring reblogs of us, the actual first post will be on or around Aug. 2nd. It’s a topic submitted by Jo Ellen of Two On A Rant and it’s a tasty one. Feel free to fill out the form on the about page and suggest your own musings.

For everyone who follows, you will receive one free email notification!

Spongebob To Golf And Back

Sick. Sick. Sick.

I’ve been sick.

It was much more worse two weeks ago.

On Sunday I sat in a chair and just let the kids do whatever they want. My plan was to either:

A) Sleep and not move until I felt better

or

B) Die.

The 6 year old’s plan was to watch endless hours of Spongebob Squarepants on the DVR.

She did.

I did too.

Eventually she moved on to her karaoke machine to sing One Direction’s What Makes You Beautiful. (Her own special version.)

I watched the rest of Spongebob with the One Direction song blaring in the other room. The episode ended and clicked off of the DVR, leaving me with Golf…and the TV remote across the room on the couch.

In my sick state, it might as well have been in Iceland.

Or Greenland.

Or Mordor.

Or Mordorland.

Even though I live in Florida, I’m not a golfer. I tried a couple of times. I had a lot of fun too, until the greenskeeper yelled at me to stop racing the other golfers in the golf carts, and that I needed to actually play the game of golf. I got kicked out when they found out I didn’t even have a set of golf clubs with me.

I have never watched golf on TV before…

I found it boring to play, so I doubt I would find it much more stimulating to watch.

I was wrong! It was quite actually entertaining to watch. Now it could have just been the fever boiling my brain that made it so fun to watch, but regardless I was hooked for the afternoon.

First question that popped into my head…who decided it was a good idea to take the smallest ball possible and try to shoot it into a hole four miles away? This is where mini golf is better, because the hole is only 4 feet away and you get to travel through a windmill.

I think orginally the Scottish invented golf as a joke on everyone else.

“Ah, laddies! Here is a new sport…(hee hee). Try to take this itty bitty ball and put it in the hole way yonder there! You can’t see the hole, but trust me…it’s there. Swing this metal stick against the ball. Oh, and you can only do it in three tries or less. If not, you have to throw that tree stump around!”

Second question: How close are the golf announcers to the actual golf players in order that they have to talk like yoga instructors? I watched the golfers move from hole to hole…without golf carts mind you, no racing for these guys…but when they cut back to the anouncers, they didn’t seem to move at all…yet still talked like they were trying to put me in a trance.

For some reason after watching this telecast, on certain key words I will take off all my clothes and cluck like a chicken…but I don’t want to talk about it.

Shhhhhh!

(Asparagus)

The most impressive thing about watching golf on TV….the cameramen! They can follow that teeny tiny golf ball from swing to water hole. I wonder if you have to go to special golf cameraman school for that?

Golf cameramen get to race golf carts.

At the very end Tiger Woods won, which I guess doesn’t happen very often anymore…. ?

I don’t know.

People seemed excited about it. The strange thing was, was that Tiger Woods’ caddie slapped him on the butt like a football player! That’s dangerous man! Give Tiger the right opening and he will have sex with you.

It’s in the game.

Jonathon “Jasper” Johns Guest Post Issue #2

Due to some family matters, my neighbor and biggest critic, Jonathon “Jasper” Johns has volunteered to guest write for me this week. I have given him free reign to write whatever he likes…god help us all.

My Fishing Story

by Jonathon “Jasper” Johns

My buddy Hector and I went fishing on the St. Johns River the other day.  It was about 6 am when Hector suggested that we open our first Bud Lights. So we did. I felt a little strange drinking beer before the sun even had fully rose, but what the heck. We are men after all, doing a man’s thing, fishing.

We quickly finished the beers. I told Hector, let’s have another. Hector nodded in agreement, and we both had another. Two beers each, just as the sun was beginning to break the horizon. This was good, good, man times. Good man fun.

Hector then broke out some chewing tobacco. Normally I’m not a big chewer, but what the heck. I dipped, he dipped, we dippty dipped. It was good. Men being men.

I opened up the cooler and pulled out some gummy bears. I offered Hector all the clear gummy bears because I don’t particularly like the clear ones. Men eating gummy bears, drinking, beer, chewing tobacco, fishing. Men stuff.

Hector pulled out some bubbles and challenged me to see who can blow the biggest bubble. We probably had a bubble battle for a good solid half hour. Right there on the river. Being men. I won of course. Hector smokes, so his lung power isn’t as good.

We dipped our fishing poles in the water, pulled out a couple of apple juice boxes, and enjoyed our man time.

Until Baylee-Ann called me and asked me to come home because she clogged up the toilet again.

The Gunslinger

In a western town, in a dead end world, way before the Pet Shop Boys ever existed, there stood a lone saloon.

In a lone town.

With a lone gunslinger at the bar.

And about half a dozen other patrons milling around or sitting at tables playing poker…or that game where you spread your fingers apart and stab a knife between them going faster and faster, until you either slam the knife into the table in triumph, or cut a finger off.

I don’t know why the saloon owners allowed this game because it makes little indentations in the tables. Enough indentations and your beer glass could be all wobbly when you set it down. But you could put a pretzel in the indentations and have your friend hold his fingers up like a goal post, and then you flick the pretzel through it, trying to make a field goal…expect football hasn’t been invented yet…so nobody does that.

Oh yeah, there is one of those old timey piano players as well. He currently is not playing the piano, he is just sitting and looking at the piano. To be honest, he doesn’t know how to play the piano. He lied when he applied for the job. I’m not sure what he was thinking, because at some point he is going to be expected to play the piano. The non-pianist  is currently contemplating slamming his hands in the piano’s key cover, thus crippling him, making it impossible to play. This might buy him some more  time and he might be able to keep his new job as a bar’s piano player a bit longer.

There is also one of those girls wearing sexy revealing clothing and a feather boa walking around, although by today’s standards, they are not very revealing. I never understood the appeal of the boa as a sexy thing anyway. It just looks like a shedding feathered snake wrapped around somebody’s neck. I think it’s just to give the girl something to do with her hands, or to hide some unsightly blemish from your neck. Some people think snakes are sexy around a girl’s neck, and a feathered boa would not bite your face off like a snake would. The worst thing a feathered boa would do is either tickle you slightly or maybe give you a bad rash if you would allergic to feathers. If you were allergic to feathers, maybe you could request a camel hair or yarn boa…although they might not be as sexy. The camel hair may be kind of stinky as well.

Back to the lone gunslinger at the bar….

The gunslinger had been at the bar for hours, head down, nursing a beer, when suddenly he swivels around on his bar stool, but not very well because the bar stools are in serious need of WD40. WD40 hasn’t been invented yet, so the bar keep doesn’t quite know how to fix this problem. He was thinking maybe some olive oil or pickle juice, but then again tends to forget the problem even existed with the bar stools…until someone tries to swivel around in them very dramatically. This usually results instead half loosing your balance and looking like a drunk clown instead. The bar keep was more concerned with finding a way to repair all the knife nicks in his tables. His wife kept telling him to a sign up that simply said, “No Knife Finger Gaming In The Bar Please.” But, of course he hadn’t done it yet.

The gunslinger grabs his pistols and shoots them straight above his head. The bar comes to a complete silent stand still. The bar keep looks at the ceiling, staring at the two bullet point holes and wonders if his insurance covers this, except insurance hasn’t been invented, so really he is wondering how he is going to climb up there and plug those two holes up before the next rain. He can envision the sign his wife is going to suggest for him next about not shooting your bullets into the ceiling.

Everyone looks at the gunslinger. The piano player is the most grateful however, because this will buy him some more stalling time before he has to crush his hands with the key cover.

The gunslinger looks around the room and spits out his half smoked cigar. This very cigar was hand rolled by Mexican children and sold at an incredible profit to the manufacture while the children made pennies. Barely enough to buy one taco shell, but they sure did taste good.

The gunslinger cleared his throat.

The gunslinger wiped his brow with the back of his hand.

And then he spoke,

“Does anyone have a nickel I can borrow? I have enough money for my beer, but not enough for the tip.”

The room was dead silent still, but now everyone looked at each other confused.

Until old man Jeb stood up. Now old man Jeb wasn’t that old compared to today’s standards. He was only like 38 or 39, but back then life expectancy was a lot shorter.

Old man Jeb spit on the floor and said,

“Here is a dime stranger. Give five to the bar keep and five to the piano player, and request a song in my honor.”

And that’s when the piano player started to repeatedly slam his hands with the piano key cover.

I guess this story is more about the piano player then the gunslinger.

Grandma’s Recipe For A Full Irish Breakfast (Edited Version)

Grandma’s Recipe For A Full Irish Breakfast (Edited Version)

Being 1/3 Irish, and St. Paddy’s Day tomorrow (March 17th, 2012), I thought I would share Grandma’s recipe for a Full Irish Breakfast.

Just what the hell is a Full Irish Breakfast?

Lucky Charms And Jameson Irish Whiskey,  or skillet fried bacon, sausage, black & white pudding, scrambled eggs, tomatoes, mushrooms, and potato bread.

Just what the hell is black & white pudding?

Disgusting. Black pudding is made with pig’s blood, barley, oats and beef fat. White Pudding is similar but without the blood and made with minced liver.

Just what the hell do I do then?

Fry the bacon, sausages, eggs, and Black & White pudding until cooked. Try not to throw up over the thought of the Black & White pudding.

If you are having Potato Bread also fry with chopped tomatoes or mushrooms until cooked. Duh, Grandma!

Serve the fry-up along with a pot of tea and glasses of freshly squeezed George Killian’s Irish Red orange juice and you have yourself a Full Irish breakfast.

Or dump the whole thing in the garbage, and drive to Denny’s and get a Grand Slam Breakfast.

 

Thumper

I don’t know, out of nowhere, I was trying to remember this drinking game we used to play in college. This game would get us in trouble a lot in the dorm rooms…not so much for getting us super drunk, but more so for just being super loud.

The best gesture I saw was putting your thumb in your mouth and blowing on it as your middle finger rises. Once you read the description below, you’ll understand.

The drinking game is called: Thumper.

Below is a description from someplace on I found it on the ‘net.

—————————————–

Simple game for highly energetic people. Low buzz factor. Required supplies: people and beer.

The first thing to do is for each person to choose a hand gesture that they would like to have represent him/her during the game. Can be simple, polite, or sexually enticing, but it must be SHORT.

Everyone sits in a circle, everyone starts the game by “drumming” their hands on the table or floor or whatever the playing surface may be. During the drumming, someone says “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE GAME?” everyone responds with “THUMPER!!!” then the leader says “AND WHY DO WE PLAY THE GAME?” responded with “TO GET F*CKED UP!!”

At this point the leader performs his/her own hand gesture, immediately followed by the gesture of any other player. This player then performs his/her own gesture followed by another players, etc.. and so on. When a cue is missed or when someone responds too slowly, the “violator” must drink. This person then is the leader for the next round.

Also be creative with what is said during the drumming, it’s not limited to the above two questions. You could also call a slo-motion or high speed switch at anytime.

The game takes a lot of emotional involvement, good when played when eveyones hyper because there’s no where to go, or nothing better to do.

Game source: The (Un)Official Internet Bartender’s Guide

—————————————–

Editor’s note: Strip Thumper….not as sexy as one may think.

EPCOT’s Food And Wine Festival 2011

 It’s October, which means it’s time for EPCOT’s International Food and Wine Festival. If you have never been, it’s a celebration of food, wine, and beer from various countries and regions of the world.

This year it runs from September 30 to November 13.

 The world showcase (that’s the part with the countries) is setup with booths featuring two to nine dollar tastings of traditional foods and drinks. In addition there is live cooking demonstrations, wine seminars, multi-course dinners, and live entertainment. This year includes such acts as Gin Blossoms, Big Bad Voodoo Daddy, and Boys II Men. Ok, maybe not current acts, but hey, it’s free with the price of admission.

Insider tip: Going during the day is usually less crowded.

Countries and Regions represented:

Australia – Brazil – Argentina – Caribbean – Mexico – Scandinavia – China – South Korea – South Africa – Germany – Poland – Italy – Singapore – Japan – New Zealand – Morocco – Portugal – Belgium – France – Ireland – Canada – Greece – Hawaii

The offers are too vast to list everything, but here is a sample of what’s going on this year:

 Carribbean

Food

• Ropa Vieja (slowly braised Beef) with White Rice
• Jerk Spiced Chicken Drumstick with Mango Salsa

Drink

• Frozen Rock Coconut Mojito
• Frozen Dragon Berry Colada

 Ireland

Food

• Lobster and Scallop Fisherman’s Pie
• Kerrygold Cheese Selection (Aged-Irish Cheddar, Dubliner and Ivernia Cheese) with Apple Chutney and Brown Bread
• Warm Chocolate Lava Cake with Baileys Ganache

Drink

• Guinness Draught
• Bunratty Meade Honey Wine

 France

Food

• Escargots Persillade en Brioche (Snails in garlic and Parsely Brioche)
• Coq au Vin sur Gratin de Macaroni (Red Wine Braised Chicken, Mushrooms, Pearl Onions and Macaroni Gratin)
• Creme Brulee au Chocolar au Lait (Chocolate Milk Creme Brulee topped with Caramelized Sugar)

Drink

• Chardonnay, Bouchard Aine & Fils
• Merlot, Chateau de Beauregard-Ducourt, Bordeaux
• Sparkling Pomegranate Kir
• Parisian Cosmo Slush (Ciroc Vodka, Grand Marnier, and Cranberry Juice)

 Belgium

Food

• Steamed Mussels with Roasted Garlic Cream and a Baguette
• Belgian Waffle with Berry Compote and Whipped Cream
• Guylian Belgian Chocolate Seashell Truffles

Drink

• Stella Artois
• Hoegaarden
• Leffe
• Godiva Chocolate Liqueur Iced Coffee

 Portugal

Food

• Linguica Sausage with Onions, Peppers, and Olives
• Calamari Salad with Fennel, Smoked Paprika and Olive Oil
• Pastel de Nata

Drink

• JM Da Fonseca Periquita Moscato
• JM Da Fonseca Periquita
• Fonseca Bin 27 Character Port

Insider Tip: Anyone who has been before will recommend you hit Canada for the Cheese Soup, and my wife recommends the Cosmo Slush from France.

My pick in taste and value ($8) is the beer flight from the Craft Beers pavilion. You get 3 6oz beers from these choices:

• Full Sail IPA
• Sierra Nevada
• Abita – Purple Haze
• Red Hook Pilsner
• Blue Moon
• Leinenkugel’s Berry Weiss
• Key West Sunset Ale
• Widmer Hefeweizen

We chose the Berry Weiss (which tasted more like a wine cooler than a beer, but good), Purple Haze (similar to the Berry Weiss but less sweet, more beer taste), and the Sunset Ale (beer, nothing special).

You’ll need at least $50 to do the Festival right.

Click this link for a comprehensive look at the event: http://www.yesterland.com/wine2011.html

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