The Story of the First Black Friday

Many, many years ago the Pilgrims sailed across the ocean surviving cramped conditions, disease, and weather.

After almost turning around twice since Google maps was lacking the proper updates, they finally reached the New World when Mrs. Jones made Captain Jones ask for directions from some sea Sirens.

But things were not any better once they landed upon the shore. They endured even more hardships: food was scarce, the winters were hard, the wifi signal sucked, and no HBO.

One day, as chance would happen, a native of the land was sent out by his wife to pick up a six pack of deer skin, when he happened upon the dying settlement. Seeing a need to help these people, and knowing his wife was going to be out all afternoon with her friends down at the river gossiping about the new shorten hem lines of the latest buffalo skin dresses of 1621, he decided to school these white devils.

The name of that Native American was Squantoski. He had learned to speak English from an illegal obtained copy of Rosetta Rock. Little know fact, it was later renamed Rosetta Stone as the program became more streamlined.

Squantoski made the mistake of introducing himself to the Pilgrim Vinny first. Vinny had the bad habit of giving everyone nicknames, and dubbed Squantoski as Squid Lips. Squid Lips did not take a liking to this nickname at all and threatened to scalp Vinny if he didn’t come up with something cooler, and thus was introduced to the rest of the village as Squanto.

Squanto taught the village how to fish, build better shelters, plant maize, and build hedge mazes.

The Pilgrims were so grateful that they invited Squanto and his posse over for a big feast of turkey, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole with those crunchy fried onions on top, canned cranberries, and small pox.

The Pilgrims thought this to be a big success, and decided to hold this dinner every year there after. The Native Americans agreed, until they started dying off from the small pox. Those that survived plotted revenge.

They thought and schemed all year and came up with a four fold plan.

Step One: Introduce the game of football. This would distract the men folk from helping to prepare the Thanksgiving meal and making the woman angry and resentful.

Step Two: Come up with the concept of Black Friday where the village merchants would hold incredible sales deals the day after Thanksgiving. The woman would go crazy over the opportunity to save money and also be sleep deprived as they stayed up all night running from store to store, and deal to deal in order to get the biggest bang for their wampum*.

Step Three: Have a plan in place so by the year 2020 Black Friday would actually start at 9:00 am on Thanksgiving Day. This would cause division and fights in families as to whether or not to shop, watch football, or eat turkey.

Step Four: As the white man slowly destroys itself every Thanksgiving Day, the Native Americans retake their land with all the casino money they have acquired over the years.

Happy Black Friday everyone!

*wampum is the currency of the pilgrim.

The Hand Turkey Jive

Who decided that this:

Would make a good representation of this:

Even if you did this to it:

It still doesn’t look like this:

It’s as if you would have to break your fingers before you trace them in order to get something close:

This:

If you flip it upside down:

Wouldn’t you agree…makes a better this:

See?

Happy Thanksgiving:

Reblog Thursday Pt 19

Happy reblog Thanksgiving Thursday! I figure you will read plenty of posts about being thankful, and turkey, and relatives who are turkeys…so I thought I would share a post that should have been freshly pressed instead. Enjoy! (It’s not too late fresh pressed people!)

Thanksgiving Thanks, From A Crazy Person Who Lives Alone

Thanksgiving Thanks, From A Crazy Person Who Lives Alone

 

Thanksgiving 2011 is here, and I’m glad you could all make it to my dinner even though none of you exist. Before I carve the traditional paper turkey center piece with the crepe paper middle, I would like to take a moment to reflect, and give thanks for all the things that have happen in our lives this year.

I am thankful that my dead mother, whom I stuffed under the floor boards of this very Thanksgiving table is no longer yelling at me about my wrinkled shirts. What was that mother? You like my shirt today? See, she has turned over a new leaf.

I am thankful that the neighbors dog whispered to me every night to kill my dear Mom, best advice ever. I’m sorry he couldn’t make it to dinner.

I am thankful that the hobgoblin and the wood sprite that live in the pot cupboard, you know the ones that bang the pots and pans together all night, have gotten a divorce, and moved out. Our nights should be a little quieter now.

I am thankful the walls only bleed on Thursday now, instead of Tuesdays and Thursdays. It’s less of a mess to clean up.

I am thankful for the two nice cops that showed up on my door last week. I wasn’t able to help them find that missing boy, but I was able to feed our pit bull, Stanley for a solid week. Sorry Stanley for forgetting to take out that cop’s badge from your food bowl. I hope the pin gets dislodged from your throat soon.

I am thankful Mr BoBo Bob Baggins BoBo Bob, our cat, has made 27 new kitty friends this year, and has brought them all home. Occasionally we do have to sacrifice one to the tree god, Unus, but now we don’t have to hunt at night for kitty cats.

I am thankful I learned that I can buy aluminum foil in industrial size. Now it’s much easier to make aluminum foil hats to block the air waves of extra terrestrial aliens from seizing my brain.

Now let’s eat. Who likes cardboard and who likes crepe paper? Oh, and someone pass me the cop casserole….