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My Interview With A Gross Stunt Taste Testor

13 Jan

Come visit me at Long Awkward Pause as I try maggot cheese…enough said.

Ed Ames unlocks the studio door for me, as I enter the dimly lit corridor.

“Shhhh!” he says.  “Remember, we are not suppose to be here.”

“I know,” I mouth back.

I am at a secret location which is an old  movie and TV set. We continue down the hall until we reach the aging wooden stage. On the stage sits a lone card table with several glass bowls. We head up the three rickety stairs and towards the table. A single light shines down and highlights the bowls.

Ed points to them one by one and tells me whats in them, “Dish one: Balut, which is underdeveloped duck fetus in an egg….Dish two: Beetle larva…and dish three: casu marzu, or maggot cheese.”

“And these are all safe to eat?” I ask a little hesitantly.

Ed smiles, “Yes, of course. That’s my job, to research the most bizarre and grossest…

View original post 920 more words

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The Story of the First Black Friday

29 Nov

Many, many years ago the Pilgrims sailed across the ocean surviving cramped conditions, disease, and weather.

After almost turning around twice since Google maps was lacking the proper updates, they finally reached the New World when Mrs. Jones made Captain Jones ask for directions from some sea Sirens.

But things were not any better once they landed upon the shore. They endured even more hardships: food was scarce, the winters were hard, the wifi signal sucked, and no HBO.

One day, as chance would happen, a native of the land was sent out by his wife to pick up a six pack of deer skin, when he happened upon the dying settlement. Seeing a need to help these people, and knowing his wife was going to be out all afternoon with her friends down at the river gossiping about the new shorten hem lines of the latest buffalo skin dresses of 1621, he decided to school these white devils.

The name of that Native American was Squantoski. He had learned to speak English from an illegal obtained copy of Rosetta Rock. Little know fact, it was later renamed Rosetta Stone as the program became more streamlined.

Squantoski made the mistake of introducing himself to the Pilgrim Vinny first. Vinny had the bad habit of giving everyone nicknames, and dubbed Squantoski as Squid Lips. Squid Lips did not take a liking to this nickname at all and threatened to scalp Vinny if he didn’t come up with something cooler, and thus was introduced to the rest of the village as Squanto.

Squanto taught the village how to fish, build better shelters, plant maize, and build hedge mazes.

The Pilgrims were so grateful that they invited Squanto and his posse over for a big feast of turkey, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole with those crunchy fried onions on top, canned cranberries, and small pox.

The Pilgrims thought this to be a big success, and decided to hold this dinner every year there after. The Native Americans agreed, until they started dying off from the small pox. Those that survived plotted revenge.

They thought and schemed all year and came up with a four fold plan.

Step One: Introduce the game of football. This would distract the men folk from helping to prepare the Thanksgiving meal and making the woman angry and resentful.

Step Two: Come up with the concept of Black Friday where the village merchants would hold incredible sales deals the day after Thanksgiving. The woman would go crazy over the opportunity to save money and also be sleep deprived as they stayed up all night running from store to store, and deal to deal in order to get the biggest bang for their wampum*.

Step Three: Have a plan in place so by the year 2020 Black Friday would actually start at 9:00 am on Thanksgiving Day. This would cause division and fights in families as to whether or not to shop, watch football, or eat turkey.

Step Four: As the white man slowly destroys itself every Thanksgiving Day, the Native Americans retake their land with all the casino money they have acquired over the years.

Happy Black Friday everyone!

*wampum is the currency of the pilgrim.

The Hand Turkey Jive

25 Nov

Who decided that this:

handtraceWould make a good representation of this:

turkey

Even if you did this to it:

handturkey1

It still doesn’t look like this:

turkey

It’s as if you would have to break your fingers before you trace them in order to get something close:

handturkey2

This:

handtrace

If you flip it upside down:

inverthandtrace

Wouldn’t you agree…makes a better this:

jellyfish1

See?

jellyfish

Happy Thanksgiving:

jellyfish dinner

ZSC Recipe Challenge

15 Nov

The Zombie Survival Crew was looking to put together a recipe book.

Below is the actual blurb from the web site:

The ZSC is looking for original survivalist recipes. These recipes need to be easy to make over a campfire, or with no cooking at all. Utilize local fruits, vegetables, and protein—anything you’d be able to find on the run from zombies. We’re also looking for recipes which can be made ahead of time and stored for use in case of a cataclysmic emergency, both natural and undead, like jams, canned stews, etc.

I turned this in. I’m not a chef or very handy in the kitchen, so I turned in something a little different. Now keep in mind the ZSC is all about having a bag packed and ready at all times. This idea was done with that in mind.

I haven’t heard anything back, so I thought I would share my idea here:

—–

So….

You have been preparing yourself for the Zombie Apocalypse. You joined the Zombie Survival Crew and you have read every inch of the web site. You even have your survival go-bag packed and ready. Speaking of your go-bag, it’s pretty full, isn’t it? You’ve got your pillow, first aid kit, camping supplies, flint, manuals, flashlight, rope, tape, and whatever else came to mind…in other words, not much room for food. That means you are either going to need to hunt, forge, and/or scavenge for substance. What most people forget is that the key to good tasting food whether hunted or store bought, is good seasoning.

So after you hunt down that deer or forge for fresh carrots, before you cook them, you are going to want to season them. This is where a little preparation comes in handy. Grab several sandwich baggies and a sharpie marker to label your bags. The best thing about it, is that your seasoning bags will be compact enough to fit in your go-bag no matter how full it is.

Quick tips:

1) If you are using fresh herbs, you will need to dry them and chop them up fine before adding to your bags.
2) You don’t have to measure the herbs. Equal parts of each will do. If there are some that you like better or not so much, then you can add a touch more or a touch less. There is no wrong configuration.
3) You can use any size bag. It really depends on how much room you have in your go-bag.
 

Italian Seasoning Bag

A versatile seasoning that can be used on anything from meats to vegetables to even bagels and potato chips to give them a little zing.

Throw together in a bag equal parts:

basil
oregano
garlic powder
thyme 
onion salt
rosemary
 

Seafood Seasoning Bag

Can be used on anything from fish to clams to crabs.

Throw together in a bag equal parts:

bay leaves
celery salt
nutmeg
ground black pepper
paprika
ground white pepper
ground ginger
crushed red pepper flakes
ground cloves
dry mustard
ground cardamom
ground allspice
 

Asian Seasoning Bag

Add a little kick to stir fry, noodles, and vegetables.

Throw together in a bag equal parts:

anise powder
ground pepper
ground cloves
ground fennel
cinnamon
sea salt
 

Cajun Seasoning 

The amount of Cayenne you use will determine the hotness, if you leave the cayenne out it becomes an all purpose seasoning.

Throw together in a bag equal parts:

onion powder
paprika
sea salt
garlic powder
thyme 
black pepper
cayenne pepper
oregano
 
Some bonus treats you could keep in a baggie:
Trail Mix – any types of dried fruit, nuts, granola , chocolate or yogurt covered candies
Cereal Party Mix – any type of cereal, nuts, pretzels, bagel chips, onion powder, salt, garlic powder
 

Coffee – A Short Musical

5 Sep

Sing this to the tune of Lady GaGa’s “Applause”:I live for the reblog, reblog, reblog
I live for the reblog-blog
Live for the reblog-blog.
It’s Coffee week on Long Awkward Pause and this is my rambling on the subject. Not a fan of this, then you can check out my good friends Rants, Justin, and Monk Monkey on the same subject. And if you still don’t like that, check out my other good friends Chowderhead, Cordelia, Mike, and Len as they take on Hollywood later this month!

Curtain opens to a minimalist setting. A man dressed in a three piece suit sits at a table sipping a cup of coffee. His name is Ralph.

Ralph: (Calling off stage) Honey…Honey I’m out of coffee. Can you brew some more? (pause) Honey?

Lucy: (From off stage) Ralph! That’s your seventh cup already! Do you really want more?!

Ralph: (looking towards audience, raises cup and smiles) Yes! I can’t get enough of this stuff. (Cue music)

The stage is cleared of the table as Ralph stands up. In from stage left comes a dancing coffee pot, spoon, coffee cup, saucer, sugar cubes, a k-cup, and a creamer. 

Ralph: (singing)

Coffee, Coffee, You are my love and my life
Whether your dark or just dreamy creamy
I will drink you anywhere
Even in the shower all soapy steamy
Coffee, Coffee, You taste good night and day
I would even drink you…

View original post 325 more words

Some Skits Found While Digging In The Garage (Part Three…and final…unless I find more)

22 Aug
Part One is here.
Part Two is here.

Reminders:

Side Note: While reading these, picture them being performed. (Especially this one.) It will be funnier.

Side Note 2: These are old.

Side Note 3: These will be funnier if you’re drunk. Our audience was usually drunk.

Side Note 4: This was my favorite one, and hardest skit to execute.

Skit Number Three:

Way Of The World

Setting: A typical talk show set with six chairs. The Host sits on the far right chair.

Bester: Hello! I’m your host Bester Casterbester, and welcome to another fascinating edition of: Way Of The World. Tonight’s second look into the week long series: “People Who Ask Questions…And The People Who Answer Them” concludes tonight. Let’s meet tonight’s panel starting on my left; Mr Dean Lowe…

Lowe: ( Nods)

Bester: …Mr. Steve Goodnfast…

Goodnfast: (Nods)

Bester: …Mr. Juice Tunney…

Tunney: (Nods)

Bester: …Mr. Ronald Clump…

Clump: (Nods)

Bester: …And in the very last chair, a bowl of Franks-n-Beans. Welcome Gentlemen.

All: Thank you.

Bester: First, Mr. Dean Lowe, a Presidential Adviser, who claims; Ask him any question, and he won’t know the answer. How are you doing tonight, sir?

Lowe: (Pauses, looks confused.) I…I…I don’t know.

Bester: Oh, I get it. I asked you a question, didn’t I?

Lowe: I…I’m not sure.

Bester: (In a half joking manner.) I see. This is going to get us nowhere really fast, isn’t it?

Lowe: I don’t know.

Bester: So let’s meet Mr. Steve Goodnfast, who works in an Information Booth in the mall. He claims to answer questions five minutes after they have been asked.

Goodnfast: Good evening.

Bester: When did you first discover this strange way of answering questions?

Goodnfast: (Sits there and says nothing.)

Bester: Mr. Goodnfast? Mr. Goodnfast? Let me repeat the question. When did you first discover this strange way of answering questions?

Goodnfast: (Sits there and says nothing.)

Bester: Oh yes. We must wait on his answer. I forgot. (turning to Lowe) This is going to be rough, isn’t it?

Lowe: I don’t know.

Goodnfast: Sometime when I was about three, I think.

Bester: What? Oh, oh yes. Mr. Goodnfast has finally answered my previous question from before. Do you find people get easily upset with you, Mr. Goodnfast?

Goodnfast: (Sits there and says nothing.)

Bester: Well, it looks like we have to wait again. Let’s meet Mr. Juice Tunney, a grade school teacher, who answers questions before they are asked, but always gets them wrong. Interesting…let me ask you this…

Tunney: (interrupting) By spanking my bare bottom with ham salad.

Bester: How did your parents try to help you through school? Oh, he has already answered…

Goodnfast: Yes, very easily…for I’m always behind in the conversation.

Bester: I’m sorry Mr. Goodnfast. What did you say?

Goodnfast: (says nothing)

Bester: (Turns to Lowe) What did he say?

Lowe: I don’t know.

Bester: Mr. Tunney, did…

Tunney: He said; ‘Shave off all my chest hair and make meatloaf out of it.

Bester: Never mind. We are almost out of time. Let’s meet our panel member, Mr. Ronald Clump, a psychiatrist from Brooklyn, who answers questions by asking questions. Sorry about all the madness.

Clump: Oh, it’s quite alright.

Bester: Are you sure?

Clump: Are you not?

Bester: Why did you just ask that?

Clump: What are you implying?

Bester: Nothing. I was just…

Goodnfast: I said; Yes, very easily…I’m always behind in the conversations.

Bester: What? Oh, wait! Forget I said that. Mr. Tunney…

Tunney: Stick my fingers up my nose and blow really hard.

Bester: But that doesn’t make asny sense to me asking you, how you survive in the work place. Never mind! (In a half turn to Mr. Lowe) How did I ever get myself into this?

Lowe: I don’t know.

Bester: Shut up! Don’t you know anything?! (jumps up)

Lowe: I…I’m not sure.

Bester: I’m sure we are out of time, and I am almost out of my mind. I’d like to thank each one of the panel members for coming here, and hope…

Tunney: If the plane of penguins arrives without landing on my bellybutton.

Bester: …we can invite them back someday?

Lowe: I don’t know.

Goodnfast: I said, easily I’m always behind in conversations. I’m not repeating it again.

Clump: When?

Bester: When what?

Clump: When do you want me back?

Bester: Why did you ask me that just now?

Clump: What…change your mind?

Bester: Just what is your major malfunction?!

Clump: Tell me what’s really bothering you?

Bester: Be quiet! All of you! I’ve had enough! I’m Bester Casterbester. Join us on Way of the World next week when our panel will consist of: People Who Have No Feet, But Still Insist On Wearing Shoes. Goodnight!

(Bester leaves immediately, and everyone else shuffles out behind him except Goodnfast, who is still sitting down. Clump grabs the bowl of Franks-n-beans and eats them on the way out.)

Goodnfast: I’d love to come back…

(Enter into next skit with Goodnfast still sitting in his seat. Change scene accordingly.)

It’s The Simpson’s

8 Aug

I live in the land of theme parks, and that land is named: Orlando.

One of the new big things that has come this summer is The Transformers ride to Universal Studios.

transformers

Bumblebee impersonating Tony Hawk.

It’s a pretty good ride. I even liked it when it was called Spiderman.

amazing_spiderman

Spider-Man impersonating Tony Hawk trying to hold in a poo.

I know not everyone has made it down to Universal Studios Florida, so the joke there is that they are basically the same ride with different themes.

I’m actually more excited about something different that has come to Universal Studios and that is: Springfield!

They have had a Simpson’s ride for a couple of years and it is really good (and different from Spiderman/Transformers), and also the Kwik-E-Mart. When the ride first came, they turned a couple of the local 7/11s here into Kwik-E-Marts where they sold Buzz Cola, Krusty O’s, Pink Doughnuts, and Squishees.

squishees

To that ride, Universal has added Moe’s Tavern, Krusty Burger, The Frying Dutchman, Luigi’s, Duff Brewery, Lard Lad, and Android’s Dungeon. As well as a couple show themed places, which I don’t think where in the show itself, Cleatus’ Chicken Shack and Bumblebee Man’s Tacos.

You can correct me if I’m wrong.

I’m kind of weird about the show anyway. I’m actually not that big of fan. However, I think Homer Simpson is one of the best characters ever created. I’m a huge Homer fan. I even have a life size cardboard cutout of Homer that watches over the kids in our game room.

My my my my Homa

My my my my Homa…Kids you need to stop playing video games and go outside…but not too far outside…

For those who are not visiting me anytime soon, let me take you on a brief tour of the come-to-life Springfield.

Android's Dungeon is actually not a comic book store but a bathroom. Kind of disappointing, however Comic Book Man did take a piss next to me when I used the facilities.

Android’s Dungeon is actually not a comic book store but a bathroom. Kind of disappointing, but Comic Book Man did take a piss next to me when I used the facilities.

This is Moe's and yes it is a real bar.

This is Moe’s and yes it is a real bar.

While we were waiting for Moe's to open at 10:30 am...yes, you read that right...everyone would come to the door and take this picture. So the wife had too as well.

While we were waiting for Moe’s to open at 10:30 am…yes, you read that right…everyone would come to the door and take this picture. So the wife had too as well. I don’t think the tourists knew this was an actual real bar.

Sitting at the bar. The Flaming Moe is actually nonalcoholic. You can also get Duff, Duff Light, and Buzz Cola.

Sitting at the bar. The Flaming Moe is actually nonalcoholic. They put dry ice in the bottom of the drink to make it smoke. It tastes like orange soda. You can also get Duff, Duff Light, and Buzz Cola here.

The Flaming Moe up close.

The Flaming Moe up close.

Some view of the inside of the bar.

Some more view of the inside of the bar. The guy in the picture works at the Frying Dutchman.

What could almost top Moe's? Krusty Burger of course!

What could almost top Moe’s? Krusty Burger of course!

I don't know what the special sauce is, but when they offer it, don't turn it down. Delish!

I don’t know what the special sauce is, but when they offer it, don’t turn it down. Get extra. On the side. It’s messy. Delish! Look closely at the paper lining the basket. This is the real deal.

Duff Brewery is going to be an outdoor bar. In addition to the other fine Duff products, it was also offer Duff Dark. It wasn't open the day I was there, but it is now.

Duff Brewery is going to be an outdoor bar. In addition to the other fine Duff products, it will also offer Duff Dark. It wasn’t open the day I was there, but it is now.

I don't know if Lard Lad will be selling donuts, but you can find pink donuts the size of your head at Kwik-E-Mart.

I don’t know if Lard Lad will be selling donuts, but you can find pink donuts the size of your head at Kwik-E-Mart.

The Air Vent

29 Jul

(This is fiction.)

I was 6, my brother was 10, and we had the whole house to ourselves. Grandma and Mom were at the restaurant getting it ready for the morning crowd. The crowd wasn’t very large, maybe 10 to 15 people at the most, but it was enough to keep the business alive. Those who came, came for the biscuits and gravy.  Grandma was known for her famous biscuits and gravy in at least a three county radius.

We would have about 4 hours in between being checked on through the day to fill with whatever adventures I would device for us to do. The restaurant was just a stone’s throw away from the house so we could not get to crazy.  My brother being the oldest was in charge of me, and I being of little attention span was in charge of figuring out what we were going to do that day. Luckily my brother was game for whatever I could come up with, even if that meant being Barbie’s best friend for an hour.

The house was old, with creaky wooden floors and yellowing wallpaper peeling at the corners. Grandma was frugal with the air conditioning, so the house would heat up slowly throughout the day. She seemed to have it down to a science when to pop the air conditioner on the give just enough relief to the dwellers as to not turn them into melted pools of human laziness. In the older houses the air vents were in the floors as oppose to the ceilings of modern structures. The air would kick on with a ticking noise, and then a grunt from the house as if it was so inconvenienced by the thought of cooling off it’s occupants.  Then with a strong whoosh the floor would blow sweet cooling relief strong enough (in a 6 year old’s mind) to float on to the heavens.

We would grab one of Grandma’s good top sheets from the bed whenever we hear the telltale ticking and run to the nearest vent. My brother and I would duck ourselves under the sheet, holding all four corners down between us as the air would start it’s travel from unknown origins of the inner house workings and into our sheet. The sheet would fill with air encasing us in some sort of air igloo. Our skin would goose bump with the cool air and I would watch the sheet rise as it filled. We had about 10 minutes to cool down and exchange stories in our air tent. My brother’s would always be about pirates or dragons or cars, typical boy stuff. Mine would be about princesses, my future jobs, and how to care and raise unicorns. We would listen to each other’s stories with faked interest if we had too. That was the number one rule of the air tent. No fighting. We couldn’t waste the time with fighting.

I loved the days of staying at my Grandma’s. It felt like we had a freedom there not afforded to most kids our age. I was allowed to let my imagination take over and fill our days with adventures and games.

When we got older, Grandma sold the restaurant when her old bones wouldn’t let her stir the batter to make those famous tri-county  biscuits anymore. My brother and I stopped playing in the air vents eventually. Now when we would visit Grandma we would sit at the dinning room table with the adults and listen to adult topics like changing car batteries, the weather, and stories of the restaurant regulars.

However, whenever the air would kick on in the house, I would look at my brother, and he at me, and we would smile.

If Taylor Swift Wrote About Real Life

22 Jul

McDonald’s Story

2611009-taylor-swift-Brian-Doben-617-409

Standing in line waiting to order a burger

Your register girl is slow like a tumor

She doesn’t even know what a number 2 combo is

A number 2 is

The next thing I know

A wet floor cone is on the floor

I see no spill

So I walk around it

Walk around it

Chorus 1:

I ordered a 10 piece
You gave me 9 pieces
Where’s my Bar-B-Que?
It doesn’t look like the picture
Is this even real cheese?
This is my McDonald’s story
 

I look at the fry carton, it’s only half full

Just ’cause I’m skinny

Doesn’t mean I don’t like french fries

I like french fries

The drive through is backed up

People are screaming

Problem is the manager is only 14

He is only 14

Chorus 2:

I ordered a 10 piece
You gave me 9 pieces
I ordered a milkshake
You gave me a smoothie
Ronald kind of scares me
This is my McDonald’s story
 
swiftshake
 
 

Uncle Harold’s Guide To Grilling The Perfect Steak

3 Jun

Uncle Harold is a lot of things…grumpy, uncultured, rednecky, illiterate, possibly a kleptomaniantic…

But the one skill the man does have, is the ability to cook the perfect steak. Uncle Harold actually wrote and published a book called: ‘Learn How To Grill The Perfect Steak– a must have skill! “

Uncle Herold demanded graciously allowed me to share a small excerpt from the book.

Enjoy?

Learn How To Grill The Perfect Steak– a must have skill!

by Harold De Voss

It will not only impress your lady friend…it will impress her father, ex-boyfriend, her twelve-year-old brother whom has only had his eyeballs glued to Skyrim for last twelve hours, the dog, the cat, and maybe even Grandma, who will put your perfect steak in the blender before eating it.

You must learn how to grill a steak, and learn how to cook it well…no, no, not well done…as a matter of fact, avoid well done at all costs. Never grill a steak past medium. But first thing’s first…attire.

Don’t dress like this:

Sidenote: Make sure the size of your grill matches the size of your manhood.

Sidenote: Make sure the size of your grill matches the size of your manhood.

You can support your team, but lose the hat and lose the oven mitt. Remember, oven mitts are for ovens, and not grills…otherwise they would be called grill mitts.

See how that works?

Some marketing guy spent hours naming the accessories to match the appliances. You need your hands bare to help tell the temperature of the steak. Don’t be a wuss.

Don’t wear your apron over your chest either. Fold it in half around your waist.

halfapron

See? Much better…

Avoid Theming:

themeing


Sidenote: The size of your spatula does not have to match the size of your manhood. People will think you are overcompensating.

If you absolutely have to theme…and don’t theme…but if you have to…don’t mix your themes…such as gay sequined Uncle Sam with ironic Native American headdress. You should have gone with gay sequined top hat complete with American flag poking out of the brim.

SONY DSC

Finally, never over dress:

overdressed

Dry cleaners laugh and charge you double for steak juice covered blazers. Also, never wear a scarf…for anything…unless you’re a mailman in Canada or Minnesota.

Onto cooking:

First thing is to be sure to let your steak come to room temperature before cooking. If you’re an Eskimo this actually means 70 degrees Fahrenheit. In Celsius, this is 21.1111 according  to Google because otherwise I wouldn’t know or care about Celsius.

Also, season after the steak is cooked, never before. Always to taste. Salt, pepper, and maybe a little powdered garlic should do the trick.

Some spices to avoid using:

  • Cinnamon
  • Nutmeg
  • Scary
  • Arsenic
  • Baby Powder
  • Mint
  • Catsup

Salting_your_steak

Never cut or poke the steak to determine it’s temperature. This will let juices escape. The best method is to check with your finger. This takes some practice, just like if you were checking a woman with your finger, but once you get the hang of it, you will be a steak grilling rock star. (Caution: Always ask a woman permission before checking her with your finger.)

Which would be weird.

How would you hold a guitar and grill at the same time…c’mon think about it!

While the steak is cooking, press on the meat in several places.

Sidenote: Wait until the steak is not engulfed by flames before touching with your fingers.

Sidenote: Wait until the steak is not engulfed by flames before touching with your fingers.

Hold your hand out like you are going to shake someone’s hand 1930’s gangster movie style, but not 2012 Gundam style.

finger-test-1

Take the your index finger and poke the fleshy area between the thumb and palm. This is what raw meat feels like. This is also what  the fleshy area between your thumb and palm feels like.

finger-test-3

For rare, press the tip of your index finger to the tip of your thumb. The fleshy area below the thumb should give a little. This hand position is also useful for meditating.

finger-test-4

Gently press the tip of your middle finger to the tip of your thumb. When everyone is complaining that it’s taking too long to eat, release middle finger to upright position.

finger-test-5

Press the tip of your ring finger and your thumb together. The flesh beneath the thumb should give a little more. My Father did all the grilling in the family. He cut his pinkie off with the lawn mower one summer, so this picture is in honor of him.

Hate you Dad.

Don’t worry about medium well or well done. Never cook a steak to these temperatures. You might as well eat McDonald’s instead. Not the food, the packaging.

Happy Grilling!