Tag Archives: black friday

The Story of the First Black Friday

29 Nov

Many, many years ago the Pilgrims sailed across the ocean surviving cramped conditions, disease, and weather.

After almost turning around twice since Google maps was lacking the proper updates, they finally reached the New World when Mrs. Jones made Captain Jones ask for directions from some sea Sirens.

But things were not any better once they landed upon the shore. They endured even more hardships: food was scarce, the winters were hard, the wifi signal sucked, and no HBO.

One day, as chance would happen, a native of the land was sent out by his wife to pick up a six pack of deer skin, when he happened upon the dying settlement. Seeing a need to help these people, and knowing his wife was going to be out all afternoon with her friends down at the river gossiping about the new shorten hem lines of the latest buffalo skin dresses of 1621, he decided to school these white devils.

The name of that Native American was Squantoski. He had learned to speak English from an illegal obtained copy of Rosetta Rock. Little know fact, it was later renamed Rosetta Stone as the program became more streamlined.

Squantoski made the mistake of introducing himself to the Pilgrim Vinny first. Vinny had the bad habit of giving everyone nicknames, and dubbed Squantoski as Squid Lips. Squid Lips did not take a liking to this nickname at all and threatened to scalp Vinny if he didn’t come up with something cooler, and thus was introduced to the rest of the village as Squanto.

Squanto taught the village how to fish, build better shelters, plant maize, and build hedge mazes.

The Pilgrims were so grateful that they invited Squanto and his posse over for a big feast of turkey, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole with those crunchy fried onions on top, canned cranberries, and small pox.

The Pilgrims thought this to be a big success, and decided to hold this dinner every year there after. The Native Americans agreed, until they started dying off from the small pox. Those that survived plotted revenge.

They thought and schemed all year and came up with a four fold plan.

Step One: Introduce the game of football. This would distract the men folk from helping to prepare the Thanksgiving meal and making the woman angry and resentful.

Step Two: Come up with the concept of Black Friday where the village merchants would hold incredible sales deals the day after Thanksgiving. The woman would go crazy over the opportunity to save money and also be sleep deprived as they stayed up all night running from store to store, and deal to deal in order to get the biggest bang for their wampum*.

Step Three: Have a plan in place so by the year 2020 Black Friday would actually start at 9:00 am on Thanksgiving Day. This would cause division and fights in families as to whether or not to shop, watch football, or eat turkey.

Step Four: As the white man slowly destroys itself every Thanksgiving Day, the Native Americans retake their land with all the casino money they have acquired over the years.

Happy Black Friday everyone!

*wampum is the currency of the pilgrim.

Advertisements

Best Of The Black Friday Ads 2011

28 Nov

Black Friday has come and gone once again. After 4 hours of standing line, and after the arguing and rioting got boring to watch, I kept myself amused by perusing the Black Friday ads.

 

This scary dinosaur attacks, dances, speaks, and does Quality Assurance all while holding a dead fish.

This is the type of present the guys of the TV show Jackass get their kids. With each inflatable Bongo Ball sold you get a free gift card to the emergency room of your choice.

Look at how happy those three kids are as they race to that one seat toy car. Let the Christmas fighting begin.

 

This store has babies for sale between 4am and 1pm....at 60% off. That is a way better deal then the underground illegal baby market.

 

Women posing in underwear love to touch their hair.

Donut Maker, Waffle Maker, Ice Cream Maker, Muffin Maker...all sound fun in the ad, but once you get it home, you only use it twice...then re-gift it.

 

I think there is suppose to be camouflaged recliners in this ad, but I can't see them.

This ad was in many flyers. As you can see the kids are bored with coloring the thing, leaving Mom to finish the roof.

 

This seems to be a gun that you balance your $400 iphone in and then play some sort of shooting app. Sounds safe. Does Apple offer insurance on their phones yet?

My prediction...hottest gift of the year.