Facebook Friday Pt 9

Happy Friday to all of yous with regular jobs:

I thought I would share some posts from some of my friends as well:

~Fin~

My Simplistic Review Of The Smart Watch

Samsung, Sony, and Apple are all in the process of releasing a smart watch, because our sun tanned wrists are just begging for that albino skin patch to reappear when not wearing one.

The watch market has been declining rapidly over the last couple of years with everyone using their cell phones to keep time, as well as display the weather, play games, look at porn, and update Facebook…basically everything a watch can’t do.

The Contenders:

Samsung Galaxy Gear

Sony SmartWatch 2 (I think it’s a bad design for a watch if you have to hold it in your palm…wait…what? Oh, nevermind…that was just for this picture.)

The Apple iWatch  released just minutes before the Apple iWatch 2 and 3 is unveiled.

Let’s take a minute and go down memory lane…remember the calculator watch?

How scientific!

Or the game watch?

If I remember right, it was as big as your head.

Or how about the WTF watch?

The watch for douche bags. You don’t know how to read it, but it gets people to notice you and then ask you how to read it. Which just makes you look at someone else’s watch for the correct time.

From the initial reports the smart watch has to work in conjunction with your phone, so I don’t really see the point. It let’s you know when you missed a phone call from the phone that most likely is in your pocket…ringing…or vibrating…or vibrating and ringing…or has a dead battery…

Changing the face of the watch using a Galaxy Note 3. (My next phone! Want!)

Moving on.

You can do what you might expect it to do, play music, update Facebook/Twitter, check email, view the weather instead of looking out the window…and take pictures. Some of the smart watches allow you to use it as a phone with a blue tooth headset on, and we all know how special the people who use those day in and day out look.

The camera on the Samsung version is in the wrist band so that you can take pictures while looking like a posed Power Ranger without the Power Ranger outfit. Actually I don’t know if you have the outfit on or not. I apologize for assuming the latter.

The watches will range in the $300 range which is a little pricey for a watch unless your a rapper.

I got your SmartWatch bitch! (Why do you suppose this picture is taken in the bathroom?!)

One advantage the traditional watch has over the Smart Watch, the traditional watch battery can last years, whereas the Smart Watch battery is hoping to get 26 hours.

One advantage the Smart Watch has over the traditional watch, technology is cool!

A Lesson In Dutch Pronunciation

My Brother….

Posted this on Facebook…

With this caption….

Ha ha ha! Clever!

Then this happened:

This was just a play on words, right?

A joke you know…

Yes?

Hello?!

Oh really…uh huh…yes…yes…interesting…zzzzzzz…..

This still works, right? Is it still funny?

Huh, Dutch boy?

Oh…good call!

Breaking Bad, Breaking Balls

Joe is the morning jock on one of the coolest stations in the country, CD102.1 FM. (I think…it used to be 101.1, but something happened. It’s in my hometown in Columbus, Ohio which is why I’m confused, ’cause I currently live in Florida. Anyway, it was one of the first stations to branch outside the mainstream of standard cut and dry rock and roll, and play whatever music they wanted. Enough background.)

Joe is a good guy, and has met more famous people than me*, but he is missing the mark here:

That Tim guy doesn’t watch the show, you can tell by the ignorant comment. Number one rule of social media, never comment on a show you have never watched. You will look stupid every time.

This…

…blows up to this…Oh the irony because Game of Thrones doesn’t take over the internet while it’s on…except for maybe this year because it sucked.

Jeff, you are my favorite person I don’t know on this thread. (Joe, your still my favorite person I do know on this thread.)

I, of course, like someone who has a favorite sports team, have my Facebook timeline decked out for today:

It’s my team’s colors.

The show resumes tonight, so if you need to get catch up:

*Which has nothing to do with this post. Just makes me jealous**.

**I’m hoping to be published again at the end of the year. I’m waiting to hear back from The Zombie Survival Crew.***

***I was supposed to meet Michael Rooker from the first time I was published with ZSC, so hopefully I can remind**** them of that if I’m chosen again for their new publication….’cause I never got to meet him. Maybe I can meet ‘Maggie’ instead…

****Although if I push the issue, they may not accept my submission***** because they may think I’m being a dick.******

*****I have to play it cool because this new publication is outside my comfort zone. So maybe I won’t push the issue until after the book hits the stores.

******I am a dick.

Randoms Pt 17

Celebrities’ Lessor Known Siblings:

Beer Grylls drunken brother of survivalist Bear Grylls

Bahama Cruise newly discovered step sister of Tom Cruise

Nono Moore a reviewer for buffets is also the sister of Demi Moore

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I call this next joke: Friendly Hooters…

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You be the judge:

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Do they still make waterbeds? And 70’s porno soundtracks? Asking for a friend.

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Remember, the new Long Awkward Pause topic starts….today! Hint: You may find it yummy, or you may not.

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I said a flip flop the flippie the flippie
To the flip flip flop, and you don’t stop

— Flip Flop Rapper’s Delight

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“If you were to quote me, a quote of a quote, then I would expect the quoted quote, to be quote worthy.”

—As quoted by: Christopher De Voss

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Final Thought:

A lot of people know that milk wasn’t meant to be consumed by humans. But not everyone knows that milk isn’t supposed to be consumed by cows either. In fact, the only animal that is suppose to drink cow’s milk is the jaguar, which is nature’s little joke, since the jaguar will eat the cow if given the chance.

Facebook Friday Pt 8 Candy Crush Edition

If you have not played Candy Crush, it’s a game much like Bejeweled where you match the pieces and clear the board. If you have not played Bejeweled, then skip this post all together.

Candy Crush is a little more addictive because there are different levels and boards to conquer unlike the endless dropping gems of Bejeweled. I wasn’t going to get suckered into playing, until I got suckered into playing.

And all was good…until Level 65 came along.

Level 65 is a dick. I must have played it like 50 times before unleashing my disdain on the Facebook community.

Hate to complain…but it makes me feel better. FYI: The dinos refers to Jurassic Park which is a game I play in between playing my favorite game at the moment, Simpson’s Tap Out.

Then my friend Kenny came along. Kenny recently broke his foot, so I’m sure he had lots of time to master this evil, evil, foul smelling game.

A lot of time apparently.

I call this taunt Kenny Crush.

If you have played this game, you will understand how much this hurts.

If you clear a lot of pieces the game says, “Sweet!” It would have been better if the Keanu Reeves of Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure said it. I thought it was funny.

Candy Crush depression or Candy Cression.

Kenny actually texted me with some tips and strategies. Like; did you know if they stripes on the candies are horizontal, they will blow apart the horizontal row away and same with vertical.

With Kenny’s advice, and a few exercises where he made me grab a fly from his hand with chop sticks, I was getting closer.

Until…I did it! Which means nothing in this world, but I’m so happy yay!

 

Until I got stuck on Level 78….

 

Facebook Friday Pt 6

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High School Musical Reunion (minus the Musical) Pt One

I’m about to date myself.

I don’t mean I was going to take myself out on a date, I haven’t had to do that since High School.

Speaking of  High School, my 25th Renioun is coming up.

I’m thinking about going since I didn’t go to the 5th year renioun…or the 10th, 15th, 17 1/2, or 20th High School Reunions.

I don’t know why I’m thinking about going to be honest. I can’t say High School was all that fun, or enjoyable, or even defined me as a person.

The first year and an half down right sucked.

I’m not sure I want to rub elbows 25 years later with people who used to stick gum in my hair and knock the books out of my hands while I was walking to class.

Ha, ha, guy who did that to me, scatering my books and notebook papers all over the hallway….

Good one.

Everyday…

…good one.

My High School was a big wrestling High School, and if you didn’t wrestle….well, you were not cool.

I didn’t have the competive spirit, nor the body, nor the stomach for sticking my face in some other kid’s junk, to really want to wrestle.

My talents lied elsewhere, like being rejected by girls.

I was really talented at that.

At least this was justly deserved, as I was a big old nerd…with a nerd’s haircut, nerd braces, nerd’s slouch, freckles, and my only impressive skill: folding notecards into frogs.

Which to preteen/teenage girls…not that impressive.

So for that, my books and notebook paper would be scattered on a daily basis in the hallways of my Alma Mater.

As well as they should.

Right?

If the wrestlers thought about it though, not really a good recuitment campaign to get me on the blue wrestling tights band wagon. I’m glad that  recuitment companies in the real world don’t use that same technique.

That would be really weird.

I pretty sure if I had joined the wrestling team, I would have had my ass handed to me, plus I’m a little nervous about heights, and I wouldn’t ever be able to do a flip off the top rope.

Which, I’m being told there is no ropes in High School Wrestling, so I guess that was not a valid excuse.

I did sit on the bench of the Freshman Basketball team to try to up my High School sports cred.

It didn’t work.

To be honest…everyone made the Freshman Basketball team.

I sucked so bad at Basketball. I really deserved to ride the bench. I was a pro at riding the bench though. I knew where to sit so as to not get any splinters in my bum, I could take a big swig of water from the sports bottle like I had just played hard…even though I didn’t, and I could cheer and get into a big game hudle with the rest of the team like I was important to the chances of winnig or losing.

I wasn’t.

If and this was a big if….I made it onto the basketball court during game time…like usually the last 30 seconds of the game, and you passed the ball to me, I would probably either:

A) Dribble it until it was stolen from me

B) Pass it right back quickly like we were playing hot potato

C) Shoot it towards the basket, having it fall three feet short of the net.

 

I ran up and down the court like a boss though. And my basketball sneakers were always clean and my socks were always knee high.

So, I turned to theater. Which I also failed miserably. In the fall we had a drama and in the spring we had a musical.

I can’t sing, so in the spring I would end up in the chorus. Sometimes there would be speaking parts in the musicals that didn’t require you to sing, but those always went to the same guy. As a matter of fact, most of the parts in any production we did went to the same people. I would get little tiny parts with one or two lines, which I would rewrite to be funnier or ad lib something during a performance. My enhancements would go over pretty well and the drama teacher would let me keep my new versions, but I’m pretty sure she would have rather me stick to the script.

I’m a more off the cuff type of actor, which eventually lead to me joining an improv troop much later in life, but that’s a whole different set of stories.

The only good thing that I got out of the drama department was I got to snuggle with some of the girls while I was waiting to deliver my one line.

I felt sorry for my parents. They sat through an entire season of basketball watching me and the bench become one. Then they had to sit through 2 hour High School plays of really bad acting so that could hear me say my one ad libbed line.

At the very end they were more than supportive,

“You were great as Soldier No. 4. You really nailed it! So much better than last year when you were Village Peasant No. 2!”

I didn’t have the heart to tell them that I basically injected my lines myself, otherwise they would have been watching me just stand on stage for two hours doing nothing like the wooden trees built by the stage crew.

So scoring big zeros in sports and drama, I tried Art. One of the guys I went to school with could draw cars really, really well. Come to think of it, he could only draw one kind of car really, really well. Which he drew over. And over. And over.

And I don’t think it was an actual in production car. I think it was a bunch of different styles of cars mashed into his ultimate “cool” car creation.

My hand at drawing was simplistic at best. Stick figures having sex mostly. I learned to draw eyes pretty good though…not whole faces mind you…just eyes.

Art was out.

For my music venture, I tried Guitar. I was in the church guitar group for awhile and thank God there was four other guitars to cover up the horrible sounds coming from my instrument. I couldn’t read music nor play any cool rock songs. I was able to successfully get my pick stuck in the guitar hole quite a bit, thus turning the guitar into maraca. If I was smart, I should have invented the Guitaca.

Maybe I still will. I just copyrighted Guitaca(tm) before any of you guys get any ideas.

I left High School with no intentions to look back. College was a much, much better experience.

So what really brought on these ponderings?

A guy from my High School wants to friend me on Facebook. He was neither mean nor nice to me, but he hung out with the book slappers. I remember once he snapped the bra of a big boobed girl in class one day.

I thought that was cool. I wanted to do that so bad, but…you know…not a cool kid.

It wasn’t all bad. Things started turning around towards the end of Freshman year.

I’ll tell why in part two.

Facebook Friday Pt 5 (On A Wednesday)

Some of my favorite Facebook posts as of late:

“Things Go Wrong for Me” By Rodney Lacroix — A Review…Don’t Be Scared, It’s Funny

Don’t worry Rodney, not giving your book out for free…this is my writing partner…

So whenever someone asks me about Twitter, which is my favorite social media site, I explain how it works, and I suggest a list of people to follow to get the ball rolling. One of those people always on the list is @moooooog35…if I think you can handle the humor (or if you’re British, humour).

And by handle the humor, I mean:

A) You like to laugh.  A lot.

and

B) You don’t get easily offended.

One problem with giving out my ultimate Twitter follow list is that it’s full of names like moooooo35, douche mcbag, chicken dick, and glittertits.

Trust me, it’s worth the embarrassment of searching for a name like “glittertits.”

Well, if you have a sense of humor, that is.

But enough about glittertits…I don’t even know if glittertits has written a book, so we need to concentrate on moooooog35…who did write a book.

And a damn funny one.

Now for the sake of my sanity when having to count six o’s when writing moooooog35, let’s call him by his real name, Rodney Lacroix…which is the same name listed on the book…so it works out really, really, really well.

In the midst of receiving an advanced copy of the book, (yeah that’s right people, I said “advanced.” I’m feeling really cool and hip right now. I read the book first…well, I’m sure after his publisher…and Rodney’s kids…his ex-wife, current girlfriend, the neighbors, his parents, a few cousins, his dentist, the mailman, the really nice grocery store clerk who should have retired in 1973 yet is still working…why is he still working? Just retire already, dude! The grocery store will run without you! The bananas will still get stocked!)

Sorry.

Anyway, in the midst of receiving an ADVANCED copy of the book, I had my own blog’s schedule to complete that week…which I was behind on, an article due for TMRZoo.com, a book I was involved in coming out, plus trying to invent a humorous card game with David Harding, and the Toddler asking me to make her chocolate milk and popcorn every five seconds while I was trying to write…

I know. I’m a busy guy.

And now…

I had this book to read…

That I couldn’t put down!

The book made me late on all those other projects, and it was well worth it, like being late to your kid’s kindergarten graduation because you had to look at one more 3 minute clip of midget lesbian porn. By the way, I love how cute they look in those little shiny leather/plastic/pleather dominatrix outfits they wear.

Now I’m friends with Rodney on Facebook, and he seems a rather fit, dapper, strapping man, (Did I just gay out there for a second? Noooooo! They call it bromancing now-a-days.) yet chapter one starts with a rather fat child who accidentally craps his pants after eating too much ex-lax before his first bicycle date. Rodney adds his own artwork and pictures throughout the book, which helps illustrate the skateboarding mishaps, the toboggan mishaps, and the Frankenstein mask story, but luckily he spares us the graphics on the bicycle poop story.

I know 3% of you sickos would not consider that lucky.

If you are a parent and need an excuse to buy this book, then the chapters on parenting are worth the price. I don’t know the price of the book, because remember yours truly got an ADVANCED copy, but even if it’s a hundred thousand dollars, go get a loan. Rodney hits it right on the head when it comes to child rearing, which is: it sucks unless you can mess with the little one’s heads a bit. My oldest daughter once complained that the AM station which was home to Radio Disney never came in very well and that I should fix it. I told her that we had to pay for AM stations, and since I didn’t have a CD player on the dashboard, I had nowhere to put the money in to pay.

To this day she has never let me forget it. I also told her once that raisins give you super powers….

I can never look at raisins the same again. In that last pack of Sun Maid raisins, I hope I didn’t actually eat my grandma, she was very fond of baths. After you read the book, this will be funnier.

More incentive to read it, in case laughing like a loon wasn’t enough, there are sections on dating, vasectomies, match.com, draw something game, Axe body spray, the local adult store, sex dice and manscaping.  Each section has one liner bits of wisdom and funny pictures sprinkled throughout, creating a really fun experience.

Here is the bottom line: This is one of those books that you could read all in one sitting, or pick up and put down at your whim. You can read it from chapter to chapter, or skip around. You can reread your favorite parts over and over. The book is hilarious and honest.

The only way you wouldn’t enjoy this book is if you don’t like to laugh…or can’t read…or if you accidentally dropped the book in molten lava because you told your kids to stay away from the molten lava and they didn’t listen, and you dropped your book while grabbing the shirt collar of the 10-year-old about to step off the cliff into a big pit of molten lava, because they couldn’t be bothered to pay attention to where they were going or your verbal warnings….

Then, yeah, you may not enjoy the book. But then again, if I were you…I wouldn’t live anywhere near molten lava, so I guess you live and learn, right?

Ways to get more Rodney:

Twitter: @moooooog35

Blog: http://www.midgetmanofsteel.com/

*jazz hands*

You can order the book in Hardcover and Kindle formats from:

 

 Amazon
Kindle

 Barnes & Noble