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Those Insensitive Children’s Games We Played

3 Oct

Play time is different for kid’s nowadays. Gone are the times when your parents would kick you out of the house armed with only a ball and your bike, and you wouldn’t see each other until dinner.

Friday was meatloaf night, I was always late on Friday night.

Imagination and pick-up games ruled the neighborhood. Everyone would meet at the “spot.” And the “spot” was different per social class child gang.  Our “spot” was a cleared out field that was going to be developed into houses as soon as the plots of land were bought. In the background stood the forest which was only  a few hundred feet of uncleared woods, but at 10 years old, perfect for building a tree fort or going hiking without any fear of getting lost forever like Hansel and Gretel…the Brothers Grimm version, not the weird movie remake.

Two other important differences from the way children play today.


There was a clear cut winner, whether it was an individual or team sport. Not everyone had an equal chance of winning. It did depend on your skill. If you swung and missed the ball three times with your bat, you sat down, you were out. You didn’t keep swinging until you eventually hit the ball. Often if you were the kid that sucked at baseball, you were the kid that was King of dangerous homemade bike ramp jumping.


For better or for worse the names of the games were not always politically correct. No one seemed to notice or care. Two prime examples from my childhood was: Smear the Queer and Black Man’s Tag.

If you are unfamiliar with the game Smear The Queer, the rules are simple. Throw the ball in the air and whoever catches has to run without being tackled. This could be played with any number of kids from 2 to 200. There is no designated place to run to, you just keep going until A) you’re tired or B) you’re tackled. If you get tackled then you throw the ball in the air and it starts all over again.

The great thing about this game: no thinking required. A helmet should have been required, it wasn’t, but definitely thinking went out the door. Your caveman instinct of survival kicked in and you just ran and ran until your friends piled on top of you like fat kids on the last Klondike bar.

For most, the offensive word in this game is Queer.  But I think the scarier word is actually; Smear. Think about how you would Smear something. Now think about violently Smearing something…or someone. Queer could be derogatory or empowering depending on how you say it. (Think Queer Eye For The Straight Guy) However, Smearing is Smearing, and there is no coming back from a proper Smearing whether your finger painting or recreating a Slasher movie.

In Black Man’s Tag the basic concept was that one person was “It”, and would tag the other players who were running back and forth between two safe zones. If you got tagged, you would join the “It” person and help them tag people until their was only one left, which was usually my friend Gilbert. He was damn fast. He was German. I don’t know if that is what made him so fast, but I think Germans played around with genetic enhancing during Word War II.

He may have been a by product of that.

We played this in the school’s parking lot with each end of it being the safe zones. You could not be tagged in the safe zone. If only big cities worked this way too.


A Simple graph for visualization.

I don’t know why it was called Black Man’s tag. Never really thought about the name until I became an adult. I had Black friends who played it. They never said anything about the name either.

“Hey, why does it have to be Black Man’s tag, why can’t it be Island Pacificer Tag? Or Spanish-American-Croatian Tag? Huh? Racist!”

The names of both of these games could admittedly have been chosen better. Maybe Black Man’s Tag could have been renamed Zombie Tag and Smear The Queer could have been renamed Rugby.

But as a kid it didn’t matter what the name of the game was, we just wanted to play.

Good job Gilbert, you genetically enhanced bastard. Good job.



10 Jun

Dear Candy Crush,

Playing Level 65 a thousand times without beating it is not fun!


Not Spending Any Money On Charms You Bastard!


Dear 6 Year Old,

I’m changing my name so you can’t call it a million times an hour.


Mxyzptlk-ya-gowkza (Formally Known As Dad)


Dear Game Of Thrones,

All you have done is talk for 9 episodes, and now we are going to make it exciting?!


Smells Like Boardwalk Empire


Dear Fart,

Your timing sucks!


She Is Not Impressed With My Lovemaking Skills


Dear Lazy People,

TV Remotes, Dishwashers, Car Clickers, ATMs, Cell Phones, Sporks


The Spork Is Underrated


Dear Iphone 6,

We have already released our phone so you could copy the features and make everyone buy new phones again. You’re welcome.


Galaxy 4s


Dear TV Executives,

Sleepy Hollow, Hannibal, Bates Mates…recycling at it’s best.


That Does Nothing To Save The Planet


Dear Three Blind Mice,

Sorry to hear your tails got cut off.




Dear Eminem,

It would be cool if you were a TV advertising spokesperson. Just saying.




Dear Every Light On In The House,

Kids…Why? Is This Necessary?


Thanks For Making Me Sound Like My Dad

I Want To Ride 80’s Style

16 May

Reblog Thursday is upon us again. It only seems like a week ago it was Reblog Thursday…

Anyway, I can take both sides of the issue in this piece…you are missing the world with your head glued to the usually broken glass of your iphone 5, yet a lot of times the world ain’t all that exciting…you know…with everyones face glued to their broken glassed iphones.

Often if I’m not driving I take the opportunity to visit my Simpson’s Tapped Out town on my unbroken glassed Galaxy III phone even though I grew up listening to Dad’s AM light rock radio and figuring out landmarks along the way to Grandma’s house to know how soon we would get there.

By the way at the big rock that looks like a butt, means we are almost there…


I don’t know about these iPod’s and stuff.  What the hell ever happened to sitting in the car hour after hour as a kid and looking out the window?  Now the kids are all hooked into their stupid devices where they squint (maybe that’s just me) at a screen hour after hour while the scenery goes by.

Listen, I totally get the drown out the parents thing.  Back in the day it was all about having my hand-me-down Sony Walkman and listening to my tunes instead of the endless classical music my parents played on the radio, from which relief was granted every half hour by way of the news that would drone on for what felt like forever.

With my Walkman and head phones on, I would gaze out of the window and take in the landscape, the wildlife and the other vehicles sharing the road.  The only time…

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A Lazy Day Looking At The Toilet Paper Holder

17 Sep

Went into the half-bath to…you know…read a  book…when looking down at the toilet paper holder, I see this:

I understand it’s hard to throw away the toilet paper tubes in the trash can less than a foot away.

So verrrry hard!

While “reading my book” I  pondered the toilet paper holder and imagined shapes in it, sort of like looking at the clouds in a dreamy, lazy summer day…if that dreamy, lazy summer day included a toilet.

What do I see? A toilet paper factory looking back at me!

El Diablo! The Devil! Mad that you used all the toilet paper!

Change the tube, Beavis! Mahaaa Mahaaa (that’s supposed to be Butthead’s laugh)

And of course…like you couldn’t see that coming…ready for it…the boobtube! Hahahaha!

Preteen Vs. Call Of Duty Pt 2

5 Sep

Bang, Bang, Machine Gun Sounds, Explosion


Some cursing, Bang, Bang…More Machine Gun Noises, Someone yelling Help!


Some weird leveling up noise, a bit of music, shotgun noise


You know you love me. You know you want to play with me for hours…I’m your best friend!

Your so frustrating! I hate you!

Shhhh! Don’t talk that way. You are almost  to the next level. You are so good to me. Listen to my helicopter noises. Whirrrrrrrrrrrrllllllllllll.

Do you really think so Call of Duty? Really? I’m good?

Of course Preteen. Let’s not fight…outside the game that is…

Ha Ha Ha!

Ha Ha Ha!

The End ????

The Avengers That Didn’t Get The Call

15 May

Just saw the movie, The Avengers with my sons. It was surprisingly good.

Side Note: Does every disaster/superhero/alien come to earth/Armageddon movie have to have a scene where people are running through a crowded street of parked cars that are being flipped over by lasers/creatures/unseen forces? Is that a contractual thing?

Anyway, here are some of the super heroes Nick Fury passed on in his recruiting drive to save the world:

Couch Potato Man
Can-Only-Talk-About-Legalizing-Marijuana Man
Quotes Family Guy Guy
The Human Spitball
Bloated Girl
Warning:Side Effects Man
Blackout Girl
Captain Morgan
Sarcastic Dude and Belittling Girl
Can’t-Find-My-Keys Man
Baba Booey
Douche Bag
Will Ferrel
McGruff the Crime Dog
Double D-Cups
Captain Stubing
Lick Windows Boy
The Human Centipede
The Grand Wizard
 Professor Dumbledore
MC Hammer and Can’t-Touch-This Boy
Hi Five Man

Preteen Vs. Call of Duty

27 Apr

Preteen playing Call of Duty and talking smack to his buddies:

  • Dang it! Dang! Dang!
  • Oh, I hit the python! (I don’t know what that means. I think he meant pylon, but even then, it doesn’t make much sense.)
  • Oh, and a shot gun takes him out. That’s going to hurt in the morning.
  • That must suck for that guy that tried to kill me.
  • Hey, you took out your best player, me!


Yes, grown ups. He is that squeaky voiced tween that is kicking your butt and causing you to throw your controller across the room.

Me: Why do you sit so close to the TV, Preteen?
Preteen: It’s better to see.
Me: You’re going to hurt your eyes.
Preteen: I shall be fine.
Me: Back up a little bit.
Preteen: If I do I’ll die!
Me: It will be Ok, unlike real war, you’ll come back to life.

Preteen moves chair and dies.

(Editor’s note: In the game.)

(Editor’s other note: Dad secretly snickers.)

Preteen: Thanks, Dad!
Me: The Call of Duty Vision Insurance Plan sucks. I can’t afford the glasses.
Preteen: Huh?
Me: Don’t worry about it.

Life before Playstation.

A Dumb Conversation In The Car

1 Apr

Teenage Boy: You know what a window is? A Doe that lets in wind.

Teenage Girl: You don’t even know what a Doe is!

Teenage Boy: Ha! It’s a female deer.

Teenage Girl: That’s stupid. You just called the window a female deer.

Me: Wouldn’t it be an Ow that let’s in wind.

*Blank stares from all.*

Me: Spell Window.

Preteen Boy: W-I-N-D-O-W

*No response from anyone.*

Me: Now take off Wind and what do you have?

Preteen Boy: D-O-W

Teenage Girl: No dummy. O-W.

Me: So it’s an Ow that let’s in wind.

Teenage Boy: That’s stupid Dad.

Please Help Send One Direction To Orlando *Updated*

20 Mar

Please Help Send One Direction To Orlando.

What is One Direction you may ask?

Well, One Direction is a boy band from the U.K. or Ireland or New England or some place like that. They were formed on the British version of X Factor, which I guess, is the original version of that TV show.

Anyway my Tween daughter (and now the Toddler…*sigh) is obsessed with this band and has been since their conception.

These are the "blokes" as they call people in the UK. If I remember their names right, it's Harry, Louis, Niall, Larry, and Ringo. That is probably not right. However the Tween can tell you their first, middle, and last names...birthdays, birthmarks, and anything else you might need or like to know.

We live in Orlando, Florida. For my daughter’s one and only Christmas present (after much debate) we bought her concert tickets to see One Direction open for Big Time Rush in Dunham, North Carolina…the closest venue they were coming to, and by the way…12 hours away from us by car.

At today’s gas prices, that’s like $5000 in gas.

(For those who are lost: Big Time Rush is a boy band as well, and they have an almost watchable TV show on Nickelodeon. (For those even more confused now, Nickelodeon is a kid/tween television station and not a boy band.))

The concert wasn’t until March, so we had some time to plan. Along comes March, and as luck would have it, she has a major school project that very same day…which means no concert.

I don’t know why they are not touring any farther south than Dunham. We get major acts in Orlando all the time. We even have a state of the art arena to host such said acts. My only guess is that they might be afraid that all we have is sweet tea to drink. Not true, we have Coke Zero too.

These guys are pissing me off a little. I did spend an incredible amount of money on a hoodie and poster from their web site for the Tween’s birthday. After the conversion to Euro, and shipping and handling, I was able to afford it by:

A) Selling the car
B) Selling 1 child into slavery
C) Working night shifts as a donut hole punch operator.

So I am calling on the power of the internet to get these guys to Orlando to mend my Tween’s heart. There album has been released here in the states…finally. (My brother sent an advanced copy from Ireland a couple of months ago, so I have already had the pleasure of listening to it 150 times over.) The album is called: Up All Night.

I figure if everyone just buys one copy, it will force them to tour. I know you NSYNC/Backstreet Boy Moms will understand my plight.



One Direction is coming to Orlando, Tampa, and Fort Lauderdale in June 2012.

Things Found Around The House

7 Mar

Here are a few things found around the house that caught my eye today:

I think this proves the Toddler is not a racist...or that she might be color blind.

This is my favorite brand of cheap poptarts because in the title it tells you how to cook them, then it tells you what to expect when they are done. No surprises here.

I'm afraid to try this coffee. I have never eaten caribou before, and I am not a big venison person anyway.

Hair product or porno advert?

The toddler's bedroom. Notice all the pink girly stuff...and the scary Halloween pumpkin! (Might explain why she sometimes gets scarred in the middle of night...that's what they teach you in good parenting 101.)

The Teenage Girl sometimes hides for days in her room...never to be seen. Now I know how she survives...secret stash of Nutella.

The boy's bathroom. Very scary. Never go here! However I do notice 4 or 5 deodorants, shaving cream, 2 combs, a manicure kit...yet they are never bathed, shaved, or have combed hair...and always smell bad. Hmmm...

The fire alarms and I like to fight...usually around 3 am in the morning. This one lost.

See picture below

This is my collection of real food based on fake foods. These are from the Simpson's and True Blood TV shows.