Randoms Pt 15

I’m doing the laundry, a chore I hate immensely. While my head was in the dryer I hear the Toddler call from the other room:

“Daddy!”

Me: “What?”

Toddler: “Grandma gave me a surprise yesterday…”

Me: “Oh really. What?”

Toddler: “Jesus!”

Me: “Oh. Okay. Wait, what did you say?”

Toddler: “I said Mommy gave me a surprise yesterday. Chuck-E-Cheese’s!”

Me: “Oh, okay. I’ve got to get my hearing checked.”

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Words of Wisdom From The Teenage Boy:

I’m going to get a tattoo of a shirt, so it looks like I’m wearing a shirt even when I’m not. You can’t go wrong with a shirt tattoo.

Me:

Except when you want to wear a different shirt…

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The Teenage girl is obsessed with a boy band called One Direction. She has been obsessed with them for a long time.

A really long time.

A really, really, really, long time.

So she was looking at her Twitter the other day and says this out loud,

“(One of the boys in the band) He has perfect collarbones and he is ruining them with tattoos. And he has perfect arms and he is ruining those with tattoos of random objects that are important.”

Wife: Like refrigerators and toasters?

Then she shows us a picture of his perfect collar bones.

And his arms.

Me: What the hell are perfect collarbones?

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I like to send random texts to my friends because I think it’s funny.

They…not so much.

Here are some recent messages:

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Big Girl Band Aids

The Toddler and I are in the car. The Toddler holds up a pink cell phone I had bought the Teenage Girl one Christmas.

Toddler: What is this?
Me: It’s a case I bought for Teenage Girl. It’s for her phone. I can’t believe she left it in the car.

The Toddler opens the cell phone case and pulls out a tampon.

Toddler: What is this?
Me: Oh…uh….It’s a band aid for big girls.
Toddler: Why is it a band aid for big girls? It’s a funny looking band aid.
Me: Yes it is. Can you put it back please, and let’s not speak of this to anyone.
Toddler: I want to wear a band aid for big girls.
Me: Oh, you can’t wear one yet. Your too small. It won’t fit.

Toddler: I’m not too small. It will fit. I want to put it on my arm.
Me: It doesn’t go on the arm. Can you put it away please.
Toddler: Then I’ll put it on my leg.
Me: It doesn’t go on the leg either. Can you please put it away.
Toddler: Then where does it go Daddy?
Me: Really?! Honey, it’s a band aid for a big girl’s who-who.
Toddler: (stares at me for a minute) Daddy your silly. You can’t put a band aid on your who-who, how will you potty?
Me: I don’t know! Just trust me. When your older you will need a band aid for your who-who, and you will be mean to your husband, and you’ll eat lots of chocolate, and sometimes you’ll cry for no reason. And if your husband is smart, once a month he will take a fishing trip and disappear for about 3 to 7 days. Now please just put it away.
Toddler: So this is a magical band aid!
Me: When your older…

The Toddler sings…

“When I’m older….when I’m older…I’ll have a magical band aid when I’m older….”

…all the way home.

Cleaning Out The Fridge

Just recently I was asked by The Fridge Peepers for a picture of the inside of my refrigerator, but the inside was so disgusting I had to submit the freezer instead.

So I decided (a couple weeks later) to clean out the bottom of the fridge.

Inside the refrigerator I found this:

I believe it's a pink toy hedgehog.It belongs to the Toddler.

That prompted me to do this:

Butter was on sale by the way, you don't have to pray for our arteries.

Side Note:

Those who know me well would assume that I made the Barbies topless. I did not. I found them that way. (I did make the one touch the other one's boob though.)

Then I waited. First the Toddler:

The Toddler thought this was the greatest thing ever! Daddy is so funny. Give him money for being so funny!

Then unfortunately the Teenager:

Doesn't care what's in there...opens the door, pushes everything aside for a can of Dr. Pepper, and goes about his business. (This is why I can't bring my friends to the house, Dad!)

The Toddler On Zombies

(Parental note here: The child is not exposed to zombie movies or games, she knows what zombies are from over hearing talk and the Halloween store…which scares the crap out of her…yet she loves to go…can’t figure it out.)

Toddler: “Daddy, I don’t like zombies.”

Me: “Don’t worry, honey. They are not real.”

Toddler: “I don’t like them because they walk around….and throw things….”

Me: “They are not real, honey. You have nothing to worry about. It’s just for fun. Sometimes scary can be fun when you know it’s not real.”

Toddler: “Why do you like zombies?”

Me (tired): “Oh, I don’t know. Don’t worry about it, they are not real.”

Toddler: “Daddy, what is your favorite kind of zombie?”

Me: “Um, I’m not sure what you mean…”

Toddler: “I like zombie kittens. They are cute. What kind of zombie do you like?”

Me: “I don’t know…all zombies.”

Toddler: “Can we get a zombie kitty?”

Me: “No, honey. No cats of any kind. Cats are not much fun anyway. They are stuck up.”

Toddler: “You mean on the ceiling?”

Me: “No, I mean cats don’t like to play. They just sit and stare at you, like ‘Hey, I’m a cat. What are you going to do about it?’ And they like to hide and lick themselves…and that’s about it. They are not fun.”

Toddler: “Not zombie cats. Zombie cats play. You said zombies are fun.”

Me: “There is no such thing as zombie cats, and I also said zombies aren’t real. ”

Toddler: “Can we go to the Halloween store?”

Me: “We will see. Are you going to be afraid again? You know it’s not real. It’s for fun.”

Toddler: “I won’t be afraid.”

(Toddler scrunches up face in deep thought for a moment.)

Toddler: “Daddy, I want to be a zombie kitty for Halloween.”

Me (sighing): “Me too, honey. Me too. Time for school.”

Randoms Pt 1

Me to Toddler: Did you make any friends at school today?

Toddler to Me: How do I make friends?

Me to Toddler: By saying to someone, Hi my name is Jocelyn. Would you like to be my friend?

Toddler to Me: Nooooo. That’s not how you do it. First you need some bones and then you put skin on it.

Me to Toddler: I guess that is another way you could do it….

Wife to Me: What are we raising a mad scientist??

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If your lonely in this world, with nobody to hold or love, just remember Siegfried found Roy.

If Vegans are so against killing things, why do they kill vegetables? They should only eat rocks. Then they would be Rockans.

Hump day should not be taken literally.

I loathe the day nose hair becomes sexy.

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My Tween daughter will become TeenagerGirl on Thursday. Happy Birthday Maddy! For those keeping stats that changes the team from: Toddler, TweenGirl, TweenBoy, Teenager; to: Toddler, Tween, TeenagerGirl, TeenagerBoy.

Sigh. They grow up too fast.

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Which is a greater punishment:

To be trapped in a room with no doors and no windows with a mime?

OR

To be trapped in a room with no doors and no windows with a ukulele player?

(TeenageBoy walks into room, looks over my shoulder, even as I am typing this and says:)

“How about trapped in a room with no doors and no windows with a perpetual farter?”

Which once again,  proves the fact when discussing, and discussing only, being trapped in a room with no windows and no doors, that farting is funnier than ukuleles and mimes. Reality is a whole different story!

Trouble In A Bubble

Let me set this up: I’m driving home from my oldest daughter’s dance recital. I have the toddler (who is 4), and two of the toddler’s friends (who are 6 and 4 maybe) in the car as well. Normally I listen to a  talk radio station in Orlando, 104.1. (Those who know it, know it’s not your grandpa’s talk station of boring politics, boring sports, and/or boring community affairs. This one is actually entertaining, and the Buckethead show was on which I really like.) I thought I would be nice to the toddlers and run a Pandora station through the car I created called apples and bananas.

You know, songs good for toddlers.

So the first song that comes on was something about a monkey…monkey moo…or monkey mood…I don’t know but it had a good beat and the girls laughed every time the singer said monkey, which was about a gazillion times.

Good.

I am feeling successful and OK with the decision of sacrificing my show since the kids are enjoying it.

The next song that came on was ‘Sing A Song’. A classic, been around since my childhood. The girls didn’t enjoy it as much, but hey, it’s kind of slow and nappy, and doesn’t have the word monkey in it.

The next song to come on was ‘No Trouble In A Bubble’ or something like that, and it was done by The Mickey Mouse Playhouse. Cool. I actually work for the Mouse, so it’s good to support my boys you know. The song was upbeat and catchy, harmless, had Goofy in it which is always a home run for humor.

The toddlers however turned on me. My toddler said, “I can’t take this song anymore.”

Mind you this was not the worst song ever, no monkey in it grant you, but still not the worst song. Trust me, my oldest loved Barney the Dinosaur.

She said it again, “I can’t take this song anymore.” Then she got the other two to start chanting, “I can’t take this song anymore, I can’t take this song anymore, I can’t take this song anymore, I can’t take this song anymore!”

Now I’m in heavy traffic. Pandora is on my phone playing through the media jack on the car. The phone is sitting in the passenger’s seat in sleep mode. What I’m getting at is, the skip feature on Pandora is just not a feasible option at this time.

“I can’t take this song anymore, I can’t take this song anymore, I can’t take this song anymore!”

“Hey guys,” I shouted. “This is Mickey Mouse. This is a good song. Stop chanting please!”

One girl looked at me and asked, “What’s chanting?”

Another little girl looked at me and asked, “Do you have any Selena Gomez?”

And the last little girl looked at me and said, “I gotta potty.”

So I turned the Buckethead show back on.

Things I Have Learned This Weekend

Things I have learned this weekend.

• A dog has no butt cheeks.
• Hoarders usually have bad teeth.
• Putting chap stick on a DVD does not fix the scratches, but it does make it shiny and moist.
• Wishing I could earn achievements, badges, stickers at work like I do in video games and social media sites.
• Teenagers are actually vampires, except they need chicken nuggets to survive, not blood.
• No one in my family likes Harry Belafonte.
• My computer does not unlimited space to add a hundred useless programs and I may have to delete some.
• Some turkeys have really, really, really big legs, and they cost $9 if you want to eat them
• My teenage daughter wants all her birthday presents to come from Europe.
• Racists people need love too, only from people of their same color though.