My Interview With A Gross Stunt Taste Testor

Come visit me at Long Awkward Pause as I try maggot cheese…enough said.

Ed Ames unlocks the studio door for me, as I enter the dimly lit corridor.

“Shhhh!” he says.  “Remember, we are not suppose to be here.”

“I know,” I mouth back.

I am at a secret location which is an old  movie and TV set. We continue down the hall until we reach the aging wooden stage. On the stage sits a lone card table with several glass bowls. We head up the three rickety stairs and towards the table. A single light shines down and highlights the bowls.

Ed points to them one by one and tells me whats in them, “Dish one: Balut, which is underdeveloped duck fetus in an egg….Dish two: Beetle larva…and dish three: casu marzu, or maggot cheese.”

“And these are all safe to eat?” I ask a little hesitantly.

Ed smiles, “Yes, of course. That’s my job, to research the most bizarre and grossest…

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The Hand Turkey Jive

Who decided that this:

Would make a good representation of this:

Even if you did this to it:

It still doesn’t look like this:

It’s as if you would have to break your fingers before you trace them in order to get something close:

This:

If you flip it upside down:

Wouldn’t you agree…makes a better this:

See?

Happy Thanksgiving:

ZSC Recipe Challenge

The Zombie Survival Crew was looking to put together a recipe book.

Below is the actual blurb from the web site:

The ZSC is looking for original survivalist recipes. These recipes need to be easy to make over a campfire, or with no cooking at all. Utilize local fruits, vegetables, and protein—anything you’d be able to find on the run from zombies. We’re also looking for recipes which can be made ahead of time and stored for use in case of a cataclysmic emergency, both natural and undead, like jams, canned stews, etc.

I turned this in. I’m not a chef or very handy in the kitchen, so I turned in something a little different. Now keep in mind the ZSC is all about having a bag packed and ready at all times. This idea was done with that in mind.

I haven’t heard anything back, so I thought I would share my idea here:

—–

So….

You have been preparing yourself for the Zombie Apocalypse. You joined the Zombie Survival Crew and you have read every inch of the web site. You even have your survival go-bag packed and ready. Speaking of your go-bag, it’s pretty full, isn’t it? You’ve got your pillow, first aid kit, camping supplies, flint, manuals, flashlight, rope, tape, and whatever else came to mind…in other words, not much room for food. That means you are either going to need to hunt, forge, and/or scavenge for substance. What most people forget is that the key to good tasting food whether hunted or store bought, is good seasoning.

So after you hunt down that deer or forge for fresh carrots, before you cook them, you are going to want to season them. This is where a little preparation comes in handy. Grab several sandwich baggies and a sharpie marker to label your bags. The best thing about it, is that your seasoning bags will be compact enough to fit in your go-bag no matter how full it is.

Quick tips:

1) If you are using fresh herbs, you will need to dry them and chop them up fine before adding to your bags.

2) You don’t have to measure the herbs. Equal parts of each will do. If there are some that you like better or not so much, then you can add a touch more or a touch less. There is no wrong configuration.

3) You can use any size bag. It really depends on how much room you have in your go-bag.

 

Italian Seasoning Bag

A versatile seasoning that can be used on anything from meats to vegetables to even bagels and potato chips to give them a little zing.

Throw together in a bag equal parts:

basil

oregano

garlic powder

thyme 

onion salt

rosemary

 

Seafood Seasoning Bag

Can be used on anything from fish to clams to crabs.

Throw together in a bag equal parts:

bay leaves

celery salt

nutmeg

ground black pepper

paprika

ground white pepper

ground ginger

crushed red pepper flakes

ground cloves

dry mustard

ground cardamom

ground allspice

 

Asian Seasoning Bag

Add a little kick to stir fry, noodles, and vegetables.

Throw together in a bag equal parts:

anise powder

ground pepper

ground cloves

ground fennel

cinnamon

sea salt

 

Cajun Seasoning 

The amount of Cayenne you use will determine the hotness, if you leave the cayenne out it becomes an all purpose seasoning.

Throw together in a bag equal parts:

onion powder

paprika

sea salt

garlic powder

thyme 

black pepper

cayenne pepper

oregano

 

Some bonus treats you could keep in a baggie:

Trail Mix – any types of dried fruit, nuts, granola , chocolate or yogurt covered candies

Cereal Party Mix – any type of cereal, nuts, pretzels, bagel chips, onion powder, salt, garlic powder

 

The Incredible Edible Twinkie

Come check me out on Long Awkward Pause, and while you are there check out the other posts as well. Then go buy a box of twinkies. Then open one up. Then set it aside and get one of those greek yogurt things where you flip the almonds and chocolate into it. Those are delish. Then read all the posts on Long Awkward Pause again…maybe even try to challenge us to a topic. Then feed that open twinkie to the dog.

(Read these first two lines in a David Bowie voice, like at the start of the song: Modern Love)

I didn’t care that the Twinkie went away.

I didn’t care that the Twinkie came back.

—–

I’m not oppose to the Twinkie, although I think Peanut Butter Crunch Bars are much, much better.

In the movie Zombieland, Woody Harrelson’s character should have been on the prowl for Peanut Butter Crunch Bars instead of Twinkies.

If you need to pause and watch the movie so you know what I’m talking about, I’ll wait here. Go ahead.

You back?

What did you think? Pretty good, huh?

Ok, to continue….

I know the PBCBs melt easily and Twinkies do not, but let’s not discount the peanut buttery loggy goodness of this treat. I would rather eat a melted Peanut Butter Crunch Bar than a fresh Twinkie. Yes, I it’s true. I would rather…

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If Taylor Swift Wrote About Real Life

McDonald’s Story

Standing in line waiting to order a burger

Your register girl is slow like a tumor

She doesn’t even know what a number 2 combo is

A number 2 is

The next thing I know

A wet floor cone is on the floor

I see no spill

So I walk around it

Walk around it

Chorus 1:

I ordered a 10 piece

You gave me 9 pieces

Where’s my Bar-B-Que?

It doesn’t look like the picture

Is this even real cheese?

This is my McDonald’s story

 

I look at the fry carton, it’s only half full

Just ’cause I’m skinny

Doesn’t mean I don’t like french fries

I like french fries

The drive through is backed up

People are screaming

Problem is the manager is only 14

He is only 14

Chorus 2:

I ordered a 10 piece

You gave me 9 pieces

I ordered a milkshake

You gave me a smoothie

Ronald kind of scares me

This is my McDonald’s story

 

 

 

The Robots And The Writer

The Robots just suddenly arrived.

They landed on Earth in droves, tall…about 8 or 9 feet in height, dirty metallic bodies, 3 wheeled tank like contraptions on their legs for movement, 3 tentacle-like arms with 6 tentacle-like appendages and on each one, claw like hands and fingers.

They came and they conquered. They conquered in a mere 72 hours.

The entire world in only 72 hours.

After they conquered and killed all the leaders of the world, they kind of left everyone else alone.

Sort of.

The robots made everyone stay inside their dwellings whether it be a fancy million dollar home, an apartment complex, or  a hobo’s cardboard box. It had been about two weeks of the house arrest.

Twice  food rations were left on the doorstep. Apparently the Robots thought our diet consisted of nothing but Spaghetti-o’s. TV was cut down to one channel that just played the same five movies over and over; A Christmas Story, Groundhog Day, Porky’s 3, Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure, and Casino. No one could make heads or tails of the selections or whether their was a theme or message to them. Some thought it might be a some secret symbol of the robots intent. Radio was down to one frequency, 104.1 FM. This station only played Frank Sinatra, but luckily it was his whole catalog and not just five select songs like the TV.

The internet, shut down.

After pretty much everyone in the world could quote Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure from start to finish, an announcement came over the TV and Radio:

“Greetings, people of Planet 279. You will be hearing this broadcast in your native language since you choose to complicate your race with such nonsense as separate languages. Tomorrow will begin your sorting. I will assume, you 279ings do not know what a sorting is, so I will explain. Each one of you will be individually interviewed on your worth to this planet and to us, your new masters. If your skills are deemed worthy, you will live to serve us. If your skills are deemed inadequate, you will be killed on the spot. We have already eradicated Rappers, Weather Men, Fruit Snack Packers, Walmart Customer Service Employees, Mark Zuckerburg, and Network TV Executives.   One of our kind will be knocking on your door sometime between 8 am and 5 pm to begin your evaluation. That reminds me, we need to add all cable installers to the inadequate list. Do not try to run. Do not try to resist. Do not try to fight. Do try to cooperate. Do try to answer the questions truthfully. And if you are deemed unworthy, do try to die quickly and without crying. That is all.”

And then Casino started playing on the TV again.

I was a novelist. I don’t know what Robots would want a novelist for…especially based on their taste of movies, but I couldn’t give up hope. There had to be a place for someone with my skill set for them. I didn’t have to write novels, I could write about anything…be a reporter, keep records, or something. My youngest daughter, who was 6, pulled on my pants.

“Daddy, I’m scared!” she said with big teary eyes.

“Oh,” I said as I brushed her long blonde bangs out of her eyes and kissed her on the forehead. “Don’t be. Daddy will be okay.”

“But Daddy,” she responded, tears running down her cheeks. “Who will pack the Fruit Snacks now?”

I gave her a hug and said, “I don’t know, honey. I don’t know.”

—–

Eight AM came quickly the next day, and you could see the robots lining up along the suburban street. The had enough robots for one to stand outside each and every door, and at precisely 8, a unison single knock hit the aluminum doors, followed by a metallic warning;

“You have 30 seconds to answer your doors. 30, 29, 28, 27, 26….”

I opened the door. The faceless machine looked at me, and it pushed me aside as it bent it’s large frame down to fit through the opening. Once inside it said,

“Are you Planet 279 inhabitant also known as Frank Baum?”

“I am, and it’s called Earth, not Planet 279,” I responded weakly.

“What you know of as ‘Earth’ is no more. You are now an inhabitant of Planet 279. If you are deemed worthy of service you will be given a new name. Your new name will be 279.0943783749894590834590349.”

“Wow, I don’t know if I could remember all of that,” I said a little worried.

The robot responded, “It will be branded to your forehead. No worries.”

“Oh, great.”

The robot pulled out a clipboard. “Please answer these questions, briefly and completely or you will be eradicated. Please answer the questions truthfully or you will be eradicated. I will be monitoring your heart rate and your brain wave patterns. You will be recorded. Let us begin. For the official record, what is your Planet 279 name?”

“My Earth name or the bar code you just gave me?” I asked.

“You have not earned your worthiness, therefor you currently do not have your official citizenship of our planet. Your ‘Earth’ name please.”

“My name is Frank Baum.”

The Robot checked something off on it’s clipboard. “This is just for show by the way, it seems to make you Planet 279-ers feel more at ease. What is your current occupation?”

“I’m a novelist. I write books.”

The Robot put down the clipboard and raised what looked like a big scary laser gun.

“What is that for?!” I screamed.

“Eradication,” the robot replied.

“Why?! For being a novelist?! What the hell? Do you Robots not read? Or think that the people who will survive this won’t want to read?”

“You will be eradicated because all of the books have all ready been written,” the robot replied coldly.

“What?!” I laughed. “How can that be?!”

“Our writers have written all the books there ever will be, every subject has been written about. There is not a story that hasn’t been written that we already don’t have a book for.” The Robot raised it’s gun to my head.

“Wait!” I yelled. “How can you be so sure? What if I come up with a story that hasn’t been written yet. Then you have to keep me to write it for you.”

The Robot said and did nothing for a moment. “I will download all the books into my database. If you think you can come up with a story that I don’t have a book for, then you may live.”

The Robot raised one of it’s arms and shook for 30 seconds and then said, “Ready.”

“Ok,” I thought a moment. I had to come up with something incredibly wild and out there. “Do you have a book about an octopus with 6 dog’s heads that falls in love with a squirrel after terrorizing the citizens of Alabama?”

The Robot holds up a Kindle and says, ‘Yes.” On the Kindle is story entitled, ‘Bang The Squirrel Slowly.’

“I’ll be damned!” I said as the Robot raised his gun again. “Wait! Do you have a story about an octopus with 7 dog’s heads that falls in love with a squirrel after terrorizing the citizens of Japan?”

The Robot once again holds up the Kindle and displays: ‘Bang The Squirrel Slowly II: A 7 dog headed octopus falls for the orginal squirrels Japanese half sister.’

The robot raises it’s gun again. “It is futile. All books have been written except for 5. You will be eradicated.”

“Wait? What?” I stammer. “All but five? Originally you said all books have been written. Now your saying five haven’t. What five?”

The Robot lowers it’s gun. “The sacred five. They have been turned into movies. We show only the scared five on television.”

A dumb look has to cross my face. “Are you saying Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure is one of the sacred five?”

“Yes.”

“And there is no novel form of the movie?”

“Yes, only a screenplay. ”

I scratched my head, “Well then I’m your man to do that!”

The Robot raises his gun and fires. The laser hits me square in the chest knocking me back. I fall as I feel the burning of my heart and lungs inside my chest. I see the Robot standing over me. It bends over to my face. I can barely see it’s head as my eyes darken with death. I hear the robot say,

“We have already spared Steven King for that.”

~Fin~

—–

Editor’s Note:

I awoke from a horrible dream drenched in sweat and drool the other night. Of the dream I don’t remember, I only remember the echoing of these words as I arose from REM state, “We have already spared Steven King for that.”

Thus was the inspiration for that stupid story.

🙂

Uncle Harold’s Guide To Grilling The Perfect Steak

Uncle Harold is a lot of things…grumpy, uncultured, rednecky, illiterate, possibly a kleptomaniantic…

But the one skill the man does have, is the ability to cook the perfect steak. Uncle Harold actually wrote and published a book called: ‘Learn How To Grill The Perfect Steak– a must have skill! “

Uncle Herold demanded graciously allowed me to share a small excerpt from the book.

Enjoy?

Learn How To Grill The Perfect Steak– a must have skill!

by Harold De Voss

It will not only impress your lady friend…it will impress her father, ex-boyfriend, her twelve-year-old brother whom has only had his eyeballs glued to Skyrim for last twelve hours, the dog, the cat, and maybe even Grandma, who will put your perfect steak in the blender before eating it.

You must learn how to grill a steak, and learn how to cook it well…no, no, not well done…as a matter of fact, avoid well done at all costs. Never grill a steak past medium. But first thing’s first…attire.

Don’t dress like this:

Sidenote: Make sure the size of your grill matches the size of your manhood.

You can support your team, but lose the hat and lose the oven mitt. Remember, oven mitts are for ovens, and not grills…otherwise they would be called grill mitts.

See how that works?

Some marketing guy spent hours naming the accessories to match the appliances. You need your hands bare to help tell the temperature of the steak. Don’t be a wuss.

Don’t wear your apron over your chest either. Fold it in half around your waist.

See? Much better…

Avoid Theming:

Sidenote: The size of your spatula does not have to match the size of your manhood. People will think you are overcompensating.

If you absolutely have to theme…and don’t theme…but if you have to…don’t mix your themes…such as gay sequined Uncle Sam with ironic Native American headdress. You should have gone with gay sequined top hat complete with American flag poking out of the brim.

Finally, never over dress:

Dry cleaners laugh and charge you double for steak juice covered blazers. Also, never wear a scarf…for anything…unless you’re a mailman in Canada or Minnesota.

Onto cooking:

First thing is to be sure to let your steak come to room temperature before cooking. If you’re an Eskimo this actually means 70 degrees Fahrenheit. In Celsius, this is 21.1111 according  to Google because otherwise I wouldn’t know or care about Celsius.

Also, season after the steak is cooked, never before. Always to taste. Salt, pepper, and maybe a little powdered garlic should do the trick.

Some spices to avoid using:

• Cinnamon
• Nutmeg
• Scary
• Arsenic
• Baby Powder
• Mint
• Catsup

Never cut or poke the steak to determine it’s temperature. This will let juices escape. The best method is to check with your finger. This takes some practice, just like if you were checking a woman with your finger, but once you get the hang of it, you will be a steak grilling rock star. (Caution: Always ask a woman permission before checking her with your finger.)

Which would be weird.

How would you hold a guitar and grill at the same time…c’mon think about it!

While the steak is cooking, press on the meat in several places.

Sidenote: Wait until the steak is not engulfed by flames before touching with your fingers.

Hold your hand out like you are going to shake someone’s hand 1930’s gangster movie style, but not 2012 Gundam style.

Take the your index finger and poke the fleshy area between the thumb and palm. This is what raw meat feels like. This is also what  the fleshy area between your thumb and palm feels like.

For rare, press the tip of your index finger to the tip of your thumb. The fleshy area below the thumb should give a little. This hand position is also useful for meditating.

Gently press the tip of your middle finger to the tip of your thumb. When everyone is complaining that it’s taking too long to eat, release middle finger to upright position.

Press the tip of your ring finger and your thumb together. The flesh beneath the thumb should give a little more. My Father did all the grilling in the family. He cut his pinkie off with the lawn mower one summer, so this picture is in honor of him.

Hate you Dad.

Don’t worry about medium well or well done. Never cook a steak to these temperatures. You might as well eat McDonald’s instead. Not the food, the packaging.

Happy Grilling!

A Can Of Green Beans

Green Beans

Oh, Can Of Green Beans

How You Mock Me

With Your Green Beany-ness

With Your Label With Your Picture On It

Looking Delicious

However

I Do Like Wax Beans A Little Bit Better

Just So You Know!

To Be Honest

I Do Like You Mixed With Wax Beans

If Only The World Could Mix As Well

As You And Wax Beans

Then The World Would Be A Better Place

A Little Bit Of Green

A Little Bit Of Wax

No Cauliflower Though

That Stuff Is Nasty

My Simplistic Review Of French Onion Dip Flavored Pringles

Not that good.

—–

I was going to leave it at that…but I started looking at the can…and I noticed something…if you zoom in closer…

No…closer…

A little more closer…

Now look really close at the bowl of dip on the table….

Right there…what is that? Let’s zoom closer…

It’s a tiny confused Will Smith head in the bowl of dip!

Weird!

Jonathon “Jasper” Johns Guest Post Issue #1

Due to some family matters, my neighbor and biggest critic, Jonathon “Jasper” Johns has volunteered to guest write for me this week. I have given him free reign to write whatever he likes…god help us all.

Allow Me To Introduce Myself

by Jonathon “Jasper” Johns

Hello! I will be your host, or grand bloggerer, or blog master, or whatever you people call it, for the next week while Chris is out. So be prepared to have your socks painted on. You people are in for a real treat. You may even want me to take over. I’m perfectly fine with that. It’s about time this little corner of the interweb got some real genius in it.

But to be totally honest and fair, I didn’t quite know what I wanted to do for my first post. My second, third, fourth, and fifth posts are already done! Cash money in the bank! But this first post, I wasn’t quite so sure. I know it can’t be that hard. All Chris does is make pictures talk to each other, or talk about boobs, make up fake TV schedules, and/or what’s even worse, write those god awful zombie stories. I wish he would run those by me first. I have seen Night of The Living Dead 67 times. If George Romero is the father of zombies, I am his illegitimate love child, and De Voss is merely his gerbil.

New profile picture for Christopher De Voss.

So what I decided, after Chris suggested it, was to introduced myself.

Hi.

My name is Jonathon “Jasper” Johns. I live in Orlando. I am married to former Playboy Bunny (1959-1963 originally featured at the Playboy Club in Chicago), Baylee-Ann Johns. Contrary to popular belief, I am not Chris’ direct neighbor. I actually live 3 houses down. I currently own a Freeze Dried Foods store called the Freezy Pleasy.

Why freeze dried foods you ask? Well, living in Florida, we get a lot of hurricanes and freeze dried food does not spoil. Hello, bingo! Plus you can use them for hiking, camping, and going into outer space. Don’t snicker, one day we will all be able to go to outer space. Virgin Galactic is a company that is working on giving regular people rides into the final frontier. Right now only movie stars like Ashton Kutcher can afford it, but the price will drop eventually. Then me and Baylee-Ann are going to Mars! I have been reading about it in the Freeze Dried Foods newsletter. You probably don’t get that, you have to be invited to get on their email list. I invited myself.

I hope to get a window seat!

Ashton Kutcher and I are going to play Uno on the way to Mars.

I also enjoy raising pure breed Affenpinschers, because they look like ewoks.

Affenpinschers

Ewoks

That’s about all I got for today. My brain hurts from all this writing. I don’t know how you people can do this everyday. See ya tomorrow.