The After Christmas Drinking Game + Bonus Cheese Rant

The After Christmas Drinking Game

Take A Drink…

…each time your kids tell you that they are bored even though they just got a bunch of new stuff from Santa Claus

…for each creative presentation of the left over Christmas ham for the next three lunch and dinners

…for each store the wife or girlfriend wants to hit to get next year’s Christmas decorations at 75% off, even though you will pack those away someplace and forget you bought them

…for every person that asks you, “So, how was your Christmas?”

…every time you have to vacuum up fallen needles from the Christmas tree as it slowly sheds itself to death in your living room

…for each fruit cake you throw away

…for each gift you find later that was hidden so well that it never made it under the Christmas tree

…for every time someone says, “This Christmas was pretty good, but next Christmas let’s…”

…for every Christmas present you didn’t really want and you re-gift it to someone else

…for every re-gift you receive

…for every time someone asks you why you weren’t at so and so’s Christmas party, when in fact the reason is you were never invited in the first place

—for every time Grandpa passes out in the lounge chair and you fear that he is actually dead

—–

Now forget all that drinking nonsense, because what I was really wondering is if all the cheese flavors of the world have been discovered. Do we have every possible cheese taste unearthed, or is there new cheese sensations yet to be discovered out there?

How do you invent a cheese flavor anyway?

I don’t know.

I really want to invent a new cheese flavor. I don’t know how to make cheese, but that’s what Google is for, right?

Maybe something smokey, or baconey, or cheeseburgerey…cheese that tastes like a cheeseburger…and then when you add the cheeseburger cheese to a cheeseburger, it tastes like a double cheeseburger.

I’ll work on it some more…

Reblog Thursday Pt 23

Reblog Thursday I hope you had a good Christmas…although Christmas was on a Tuesday…so I guess it wasn’t that good for you…but now it’s two days after Christmas and you get to shine like the super star you are! And speaking of shining like a super star, after reading this article on meggings, I can’t wait to run to my favorite Target and pick up a pair! After I get the twigs and berries situated, and a nice pink polo shirt to complete the outfit, I will head out to Motorcycle bar and see what the guys think. If you don’t hear from me again, well I guess you will be able to figure out what the guys think.

The Life and Times of Nathan Badley...

As I am often reminded in my life, I am not a fashion expert. I do not understand many things about clothing. For example, why do I have a little tiny pocket inside the pocket of my pants? It seems unnecessary to have a pocket in a pocket. Maybe if I had two coins that just couldn’t get along…

As confusing as a pocket within a pocket within a pocket can be, there is something much more confusing. Something that takes everything I have ever thought about clothing and turns it upside down.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present…

Meggings! Via the Huffington Post:

In fashion, it’s all about the next big thing. For men, that thing is “meggings.”

…Celebrities such as Justin Bieber, Russell Brand and Lenny Kravtiz have each already worn meggings, according to Business Insider. Uniqlo, Barneys and Nordstrom have stocked their shelves with the tights for…

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Christmas Reflections 2012

As Christmas is over and wrapping paper and scattered toys are littered all over the floor, I turn on Alvin and the Chipmunks 3 to induce TV comas upon the children. This allows me to quietly reflect on this Christmas 2012:

1) I realize that I did not plan for any dinner on Christmas and with the stores being closed my choices are: 1) Chinese a la A Christmas Story or B) International House of Pancakes. IHOP wins as it does every year, for I forget about dinner every year.

2) No matter how much you clean up those little ties that bind the toys in their cardboard packaging, you will eventually step on a stray one with your bare feet.

3) The best, most expensive  Christmas gift you bestowed upon your children ends up not being their favorite.

4) Looking at the tree, now bare of presents and half leaning on it’s side from when the dog ran into it, while running from the children’s screams of delight, all I can think is: Damn, un-decorating it is worse than decorating it.

5) I wonder if Hanukkah is cheaper to celebrate…

6) Is a law that at least two Christmas ball ornaments must break a year, one by shattering and one by the top wire part coming loose?

7) Pumpkin explodes as a taste sensation at Halloween, yet Eggnog and Fruitcake have such mixed reviews during Christmas…

8) I really need to invent a retractable Christmas light system for houses, where with a press of the switch they flip back into the house for concealment until next year.

9) Any board game purchased will have at least two pieces missing by the end of the day.

10) Grandma and/or Grandpa get more inappropriate with each passing year.

Goodbye Christmas 2012, considering you were never suppose to happen in the first place. I guess it’s good I went ahead and spent money on my loved ones and didn’t bet on the Mayans. Imagine explaining to the children why Santa never came due to the impending Apocalypse which never came to be…

Stupid Mayans.

Reblog Thursday Pt 22

It’s the last reblog Thursday ever…mostly because the end of the world is tomorrow…otherwise I would keep doing them. Maybe I’ll keep doing them anyway, even if there is no such thing as computers anymore. I’ll just chisel them out on a cave wall until one day I get really tired and bored of doing them…kind of like the Mayan’s did with their calendar.

“Hey, Mayan Bob…do you want a beer?”

“Sure Mayan Tim. I’m working on this calendar, but I guess if I don’t finish it won’t be the end of the world.”

Oh well…

Enjoy this little Christmas exchange where Santa takes no crap. This is brought to you by:  Jill of All Trades, Expert of None.

Jill of All Trades...Expert of None!

I received this in an email today (so I can’t take credit for any of this) and COULD. NOT. STOP. LAUGHING.  It may be because I deal with contracts every single day of my existence, but either way, the humor and possible reality of this email is hilarious.  In fact, it’s so funny it’s almost sad.  There’s a hint of today’s youth involved, so if this is where we are headed…well, I’ll let you read it and decide.

Either way though, I say GO SANTA, GO SANTA, WITH YOUR BAD SELF, GO SANTA!!

Dear Santa,

How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.

Merry Christmas,

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The Formula’s Of Life

Math equations and formulas run our daily lives, whether we realize it or not. Subconsciously your brain is constantly at work producing algebraic ways of dealing with life’s little and grand problems. You don’t know you’re doing it, your brain just does it.

If you’re a man, you’re in constant indecision and need these formulas to balance every day tasks.

Here are some situations where these formulas come into play:

(And you thought Algebra was a waste of time!)

    When Asking For A Tool You Can’t Remember The Name Of:
The Formula:

Size + Airplane Part + Bolt/Screw Name + Tool Type

Example:

1 & ¼ Wing Screw Ratchet or 9mm Propeller Nut Wrench

 

—–

 

     When Having A Secret Ingredient In A Recipe:

The Formula:

Any Country Or People + Adjective + Color + Vegetable or Fruit.
Example:

Japanese Sweet Purple Asparagus or Australian Sour Blue Pineapples

 

—–

 

   When Naming Your Own Microbrew:
The Formula:

Any City Or Place + Animal Body Part  + Type Of Beer.
Example:

West Side Bear Claw Pale Ale or New York Platypus Foot Amber

 

—–

 

  When Nick-Naming A Famous Sports Play:
The Formula:

Determiner + Adjective + A Last Name + “ski” + Sports Action
Example:

The Great Buddowski Slap or The Big Smithski Pass

 

—–

 

 When Naming An Elderly Dog:
The Formula:

Adjective + Old – “D” + Color (except rule: can be a southern stereotype)
Example:

Big Ol’ Blue or Great Ol’ Yella

 

—–

 

 For Picking Out A Porn To Watch:
The Formula:

(Boobs * X) / (Penis * Y) = Time Before Turning Off

 

—–

 

 For Buying A Car:

The Formula:

Cool Factor/(Mpg) > Price – Free Floor Mats

 

—–

 

 Determining When To Quit Playing A Video Game:
The Formula:

x/number of kills * <10 year old or > 45 year old = When To Throw The Controller Through The TV

 

—–

 

 Should You Take A Chick Home From The Bar:
The Formula:

Number of Drinks + Last Call/How Many Times She Laughs At Your Jokes – The Number Of Times She Touches Your Leg Or Arm = Is There Anyone Else Left In The Bar/ Her Weight

 

—-

 

 When To Ask For Directions From A Stranger:
The Formula:

Are You Lost * Wife (Girlfriend) In The Car = Over My Dead Body You’ll Ask For Directions – Act Like A Man Damnit!

Meet Mark Desenti – Zombie Survival Expert

There is a quiet city just north of Orlando called Clermont. It’s a growing community located on the main route 50 highway. It’s got rolling hills, a few car dealerships, a Kmart, and a Target. When the Chipolte restaurant opened up recently, it was a big deal.

Just off Highway 50 is a subdivision about a mile down. It springs up out of nowhere a little after seeing nothing but rolling grass and trees. In this subdivision is an important house. It belongs to Mark DeSenti, a Zombie Survival Expert.

“Zombies? Pfffft!” you scoff.

But ask yourself: If the Center for Disease Control in Atlanta felt the need to write up and publish information on zombies and zombie attacks…are you really willing to discount the fact that it could not happen? Are you willing to risk your life and the lives of your loved ones and pets because you discount it as mere late night movie fodder? Do you want to be caught with your pants down, around your ankles, as several hungry zombies turn you into a seven course intestinal meal?

Of course not!

But where to begin?

That’s where people like Mark can help.

Mark DeSenti, Zombie Survival Expert

Mark recently let me into his zombie room, which is part tribute to the genre, and part survival preparation center. And in the center of his collection, a very real and useful Zombie Survival Kit.

Looks like an ordinary house, but inside that second floor window lies the key to zombie survival.

The purpose of the kit, of course, is to be able to house the essential tools needed to survive an actual zombie attack. The kit also must be portable in case anyone needs to vacate from an oncoming, non-stop, zombie horde.

Mark keeps the key in a secret safe place.

So let’s unlock this and check what’s inside:

First up you should have some tools. A good multi-tool is essential and can be found easily at any Home Depot. Mark acquired this unique portable saw and added it to his personal kit. You may want to include a rubber mallet and nails as well.

Zombie Kit building 101 always includes the machete. Not only is it an invaluable tool for a variety of reasons, it is also a deadly bludging weapon.

And speaking of weapons…pictured here is a Raging Bull .44 Magnum. Big, powerful, responsive.

The actual name of the ammunition that the .44 takes is called Zombie Killers. If that doesn’t tell you this is the right weapon for the job, then nothing will.

Contains of the kit: Portable Saw, Machete, Bowie Knife, Raging Bull .44 Magnum, Cobra 380, Ammunition. Not in the picture: .22 Long Range Rifle, and a Handheld Crossbow.

Now, besides what is in the grab and go box…also on hand:

Water jugs, canned food, a tent, and tarps.

Mark has also devised specific escape plans if needed, sort of like when you had to come up with a fire escape route for your house in grade school. What is really cool is that Mark’s preparedness will come in handy for any type of emergency situation, including Florida’s most common natural enemy, hurricanes.

He is also very astute when it comes to the layout of the area surrounding his house, and has devised several specific and different alternative plans if anything should go wrong.

An example of some good advice from Mark:

“If you can get to a UHaul Storage Place that has trucks. Get one. They are generally full of gas, because people are required to bring them back with a full tank. They have room for everything of course, and they can take a beating.”

So basically if you live in Clermont, Florida and the zombies come, find Mark. Or if you are nowhere near him, instead hire him out to help you put together your own Zombie Survival Kit and devise your best escape routes.

You can contact him here: Markdesenti@cfl.rr.com

My only advice to Mark for the Zombie Survival Kit…add a deck of cards. In the off chance there is any down time at all…not likely…you made need some entertainment.

Grape Pondering

I can’t decide if I like the green grapes better…or the red…

Green is my favorite color…

But the red ones make better wine…

The green ones are juicer…

But the red ones are more flavorful…

If you put a red and a green one together in your mouth…

It doesn’t help with the debate at all…

They just kind of mush together…

In a grape orgy of non distinct grapey  juices…

Red grapes tastes better on a salad…

Green grapes tastes better in fruit cocktail…

I guess when it comes to grape debates…

The only clear cut loser…

Is raisins.

Reblog Thursday Pt 19

It’s a reblog Thursday y’all. Now you can either read that with a gangster’s voice or a hillbillies voice, depending on what you prefer. I prefer to read it with a British accent, because women love British accents. Unfortunately, my British accent sounds like a hillbilly. All of that has nothing to do with this post which is about the two main hierarchical types of blogs out there…which is hillbilly and gangster.

Enjoy.

Some Modern Day Child’s Sing-Songy Nursery Rhymes

 

Some updated nursery and/or sing-songy rhymes for the kiddies instead of the old Hey Diddle Diddle and the Hickory Dickory Dock of yesteryear…

 

 

Peanut Butter Peanut Butter

Pie Pie Pie

Peanut Butter Peanut Butter

Pie Pie Pie

Strawberry Shortcake

Kick Them In The Eye

Eye Eye Eye

Pat Them Down, Pat Them Down

Like The Airport Security Guy

Guy Guy Guy

Don’t Tip The Waiter

And You’ll Make Him Cry

Cry Cry Cry

Peanut Butter Peanut Butter

Pie Pie Pie

 

—–

 

If I Had A Nickel

For Every Nickel I Had

Then I Would Have Double The Nickels

And You Would Be Sad

 

—–

(This one would be one of those clapping/slapping hand games that little girls do.)

 

Four And Twenty Lawyers

Went To A Market

 In Their BMWs

For The Firm They Mark It

Then In Order To Get Ahead

They Piled Out And Said;

“One To Chase An Ambulance;

Two To Prey On The Elderly; 

Three To Sue The Land Owner;

And Four To Count The Money;

Of All They Cheated And Bled!”

 

—–

 

A Mouse And A Piece Of Cheese

Went On Killing Sprees

While Playing Call Of Duty

Which Made Them Both Moody

Said The Mouse To The Cheese,

“I Do What I Please!”

And Gobbled Him Up

With The Greatest Of Ease.

Then The Mouse Leveled Up

Earning New Weapons And Stuff

While The Cheese

Was Farted Out

In The Breeze

 

 

 —–

 

 

 Death Metal Baby

Sitting In A Tree

Pierced All Over

From Head To Knee

He Fell From Branch To Branch

And Now His Nose Piercing 

Looks Like Three

 

 

 —–

Some praise for Humorist Christopher De Voss’ Some Modern Day Child’s Sing-Songy Nursery Rhymes:

 

“I don’t get it!” – A Random Child

 

“Weird and unnecessary. Children all over the world are sure to hate these, except those that live in Utah.” – The Modern Rhymer Magazine

 

“I laughed. I cried. I really loved this movie. Then I logged onto this web site and threw up my popcorn.” – Roger Ebert

 

“Nothing needed improving here…Mr. De Voss is obviously delusional. A fat head if you will! I would give my left nut to see him in jail!” – A Random Homeless Man Who Doesn’t Even Know How To Read.

 

“I thought it was funny, different, and a tad bit clever!” – An Imaginary Dragon That Lives In My Downstairs Coat Closet And Has A Pet Chicken As A Best Friend

 

“C’mon! Who doesn’t like Cheesecake?!” – The Cheesecake Factory

 

“Why is every letter capitalized?!” – Protesters For An All Lowercase Nation

 

 

 

 

 

To Market, To Market To Buy A…

Who’s in charge of those little extra hangy items that get purchased at the grocery store? You know the ones that hang off that Home Depot looking metal bar with the holes. I picture some guy going through a purchase catalog of random crap that companies decided to make with the concept of, “It seemed like a good thing at the time.”

I recently ran to the local…uh…don’t want to get in trouble here…so let’s say I ran to the local Small-Mart Neighborhood Market to pick up dinner when I got side tracked by these enticing buys:

It’s November, you’re growing your mustache, checking out the frozen turkeys amongst the 90% off Halloween decorations and the 100% markup Christmas decorations when you happen upon a display of American Flags. You never know when you are going to need to display your patriotism in miniature form, so thank you Small-Mart for making that available at any time of year…and for such a good price.

In this thing you put your wiener. Then you lift it’s body up by the tail and push it back down on your hot dog. It  slices it into bite size pieces for you. The dog dish in front of the slicer can be used to house ketchup for dipping. I guess it’s for little kids that don’t like buns, and like to be made fun of for their Rain Man/ADD ways.

If you are a man, and posing for a magazine…You are not allowed to smile. Ever. Side Note: Only in Florida can you find a magazine dedicated to Chickens. (It’s to the left of Joe Perry playing the guitar. At least the chicken was smiling.)

I know, I know. Black skin is sensitive to shaving…I get it. But “Bump Fighter”? Come on marketing! How about the Smoothinator or Black Ice! (I do feel lucky I can use any old razor without a problem.)

This Small-Mart has an all things ball section, which you can purchase both cotton and ping pong.

Jesus loves Jesus candles. Lots and lots of Jesus candles. (And it looks like someone snuck some KY Gel in the middle of them. Irony. It wasn’t me. I noticed that after I took the picture.)

This is some sort of Spanish Cod Oil vitamin. And in case you were wondering what cod is, there is a friendly Spanish boy to show you what died to make you feel healthier. It’s nice that it comes in Strawberry- Banana flavor and not Cod flavor. Hola!

This little innovation is an ice cream scoop where after you scoop, you can shake sprinkles (or jimmies depend on what side of the universe you are on) from the handle onto your frozen dessert treat. Now all they need is a chocolate syrup attachment.

Once again…marketing. I don’t need to see my colon to know that it is backed up. Really, really gross. That’s like putting a picture of a diseased liver on a vodka bottle. And what’s that on top of the sphincter? A horn? I like the variety of colors the pills come in though.

If you get bored today, come check out an article I wrote for TMRZoo.com HERE.