Vader falls on hard times.
Vader As A Boy Being Told, "No more Chicken Nuggets for you!" Also Mom should have sprung for a PSP instead of the used Game Boy Color.
College Boy Vader getting into trouble again. I always thought he would be a boxer-brief kind of guy.
With today's gas prices, very smart Mr Vader. That thing gets like 70 miles to the gallon, 80 without all the armor.
Some little known, not true, facts in rock-n-roll history.
REM does not stand for Rapid Eye Movement, but rather Rapid Environment Movement because the band is so environmentally friendly, as demonstrated by the album Green.
The Rolling Stones first gig was at a Chuck-E-Cheese.
Maroon 5 was originally Maroon 17, but the record company made them drop 12 members because they were too expensive to pay.
The Beatles were originally called The Beetles but Ringo could not spell that, because he never graduated high school.
Britany Spears’ first tour bus was actually a ’78 VW Bus.
Guns and Roses started a charity in Africa to help African children receive weekly heavy metal records from the 80’s.
Rap was originally called Wrap. This was because the rhymes were a product of parents who sung them while wrapping Christmas presents.
The Motown sound was actually born in the city of Nantucket.
There was no one true Backstreet Boys band. It was actually a combination of 22 different boys over 20 years that all just happened to look similar.
Pink Floyd was the brain child of Floyd the Barber from the Andy Griffith Show.
Elvis Presley secretly was a spy for the United States government.
Chuck Berry refused to performed Johnny B Goode for anyone who was not a card carrying member of a union.
Green Day was named after the lead singer’s favorite made-up holiday, and is not a pot reference like people think.
Queen’s very first album, which was never released, contained 24 songs that were only a minute long each.
The members of Metallica meet at their church choir.
Ronnie James Dio invented the “devil sign” when he had a freak bowling accident which broke his pinky and forefinger.
Ozzy Osborne once shocked his concert audience by performing open heart surgery on a bat. The bat lived a productive life for 5 more years after that…
You know it’s true because it’s on the Internet.
There was some Cowboys.
There was some Aliens.
And there was some Indians. (North American type)
They fought each other for two hours.
Daniel Craig played a bad guy with a heart of gold.
Harrison Ford played a bad guy with a heart of gold.
****Spoiler Alert****
It cost me $21 for two tickets. I did not buy popcorn.
Let me set this up: I’m driving home from my oldest daughter’s dance recital. I have the toddler (who is 4), and two of the toddler’s friends (who are 6 and 4 maybe) in the car as well. Normally I listen to a talk radio station in Orlando, 104.1. (Those who know it, know it’s not your grandpa’s talk station of boring politics, boring sports, and/or boring community affairs. This one is actually entertaining, and the Buckethead show was on which I really like.) I thought I would be nice to the toddlers and run a Pandora station through the car I created called apples and bananas.
You know, songs good for toddlers.
So the first song that comes on was something about a monkey…monkey moo…or monkey mood…I don’t know but it had a good beat and the girls laughed every time the singer said monkey, which was about a gazillion times.
Good.
I am feeling successful and OK with the decision of sacrificing my show since the kids are enjoying it.
The next song that came on was ‘Sing A Song’. A classic, been around since my childhood. The girls didn’t enjoy it as much, but hey, it’s kind of slow and nappy, and doesn’t have the word monkey in it.
The next song to come on was ‘No Trouble In A Bubble’ or something like that, and it was done by The Mickey Mouse Playhouse. Cool. I actually work for the Mouse, so it’s good to support my boys you know. The song was upbeat and catchy, harmless, had Goofy in it which is always a home run for humor.
The toddlers however turned on me. My toddler said, “I can’t take this song anymore.”
Mind you this was not the worst song ever, no monkey in it grant you, but still not the worst song. Trust me, my oldest loved Barney the Dinosaur.
She said it again, “I can’t take this song anymore.” Then she got the other two to start chanting, “I can’t take this song anymore, I can’t take this song anymore, I can’t take this song anymore, I can’t take this song anymore!”
Now I’m in heavy traffic. Pandora is on my phone playing through the media jack on the car. The phone is sitting in the passenger’s seat in sleep mode. What I’m getting at is, the skip feature on Pandora is just not a feasible option at this time.
“I can’t take this song anymore, I can’t take this song anymore, I can’t take this song anymore!”
“Hey guys,” I shouted. “This is Mickey Mouse. This is a good song. Stop chanting please!”
One girl looked at me and asked, “What’s chanting?”
Another little girl looked at me and asked, “Do you have any Selena Gomez?”
And the last little girl looked at me and said, “I gotta potty.”
So I turned the Buckethead show back on.
I am about to share my personal “Best Of” twitter list of people you must follow.
Warning #1: You must, must, must, must, apple, must, must, must, must have a sense of humor. That is must to the 8th power and a random word (apple) thrown in to see if you were paying attention.
Warning #2: The people on this list are not for the faint of heart. You can not be easily offended by jokes about such topics as: brine shrimp, masturbation, whores, government policies, sex, drugs, fruit, transvestites, car dealerships, music, family vacations, the Food Network, pooping, peeing, pooping and peeing at the same time, farting, Oprah Winfrey or any other taboo subject.
Warning #3: You may become addicted. If your not on Twitter, or don’t understand Twitter, or think Twitter is something weird Uncle Frank does when he falls asleep on your couch, then you’re really missing out. Let me break it down as simply as I can. Think of Twitter like Facebook but only the news feed and Farmville.
(Just joking, no Farmville.)
Think of Twitter like Facebook but only the news feed, except this news feed only allows so many words to be printed…which can be good or bad. The good is; people tend to get straight to the point, not a lot of rambling. You will also not find a lot of posts like: I’m bored, I’m here with so-and-so doing something-or-other, I’m tired-going to bed, I woke up but I’m still tired, etc, blah, etc. The bad is: sometimes brilliance takes more than 140 characters to complete.
If your new to Twitter and decide to follow any of these people, it’s the @ before the name that will help you find them. For example, I’m @chrisdevoss.
Anyway, here is the list along with a sample tweet. Kind of like dipping your toes in the water. Enjoy.
Unicorn Glitter Tits @uniglittertits Sample Tweet: When I see a woman in a dress and sneakers, I look at her like she owes me an explanation.
mrs mcdick @SugarTits84 Sample Tweet: “has anyone seen my hair gel and awesome abs?! Oh there they are!”-every guy on the jersey shore
Lisa @Loobio Sample Tweet: @Fl3ggy tits are fine. The rest of me feels a bit tired and squashy.
Mike @Hey_Yo_Mikey Sample Tweet: No one in The Black Eyed Peas has a black eye or is a pea, discuss.
GetbentLA @GetbentLA Sample Tweet:’The Biggest Loser’ isn’t even a show anymore. It’s my Facebook feed.
April Wheeler @LABeachmom Sample Tweet: Hey Toyota, how can something be “new AND improved”? If it’s improved, it can’t be new. If it’s new, why does it need to be improved?
steve williams @stevewilliams52 Sample Tweet: Imagine if you could squeeze a boob and pudding came out. That would easily make boobs 4x’s as good as they already are.
Lulu @lulunail Sample Tweet: How do I politely tell the temp to turn his music down because mine was playing first and is so much fucking better?
George Cocksman @Georgecocksman Sample Tweet: Apple cider reminds me of kindergarten except with more crying.
Xander Talbot @NickleBagOtruth Sample Tweet: I think I just followed myself to the fridge. Time for bed.
suzanne @globetrottgirl Sample Tweet: Guaranteed I’m not the only one to mistake a stripper’s camel toe as a bottle opener!?
Christopher De Voss @chrisdevoss Sample Tweet: Yeah, I put myself in my own list. I have no shame.
eRod @e_Rodriguez_ Sample Tweet: This how I use 100% of my brain when talking to a women 50% Don’t stare at her tits 25% Smile & Nod 24% Stop stare at her tits 1% Listening
Blatant Al @RawWhore Sample Tweet: If reincarnation is a sliding scale based on how many ants you’ve killed, a lot of people, me included, are coming back as slugs.
D @mrscrotchpains Sample Tweet: Thank god tennis mom in her tennis whites got business man in his suit to stop&help with her flat tire so her tennis togs don’t get dirty.
Bone GetOffended.com @getoffendedBone Sample Tweet: What if lazy eyes are the first step in our evolution towards chameleon people.
Colleen @getoffendedcom Sample Tweet: If it’s on my property, and it vibrates, I’ve had my way with it.
Ms. Sarcastic Bitch @Titty_Katz Sample Tweet: Lady Gaga should have donated her meat dress to Courtney Love. Then at least Courtney could attract something. Even if it’s only flies.
COCKFART @COCKFART Sample Tweet: Buttless chaps are my way of giving back to the community. Besides, they said I could dress casual at work today.
Corn Squeezins @DoucheMcBaggus Sample Tweet: I asked the hot, blond waitress about her beef curtains. She went to the kitchen to check.
Cosmo @thedailydogfood Sample Tweet: I once broke out of a Concentration Camp and raped a Nazi just so I could tweet whatever I wanted later.
Brent @BelatedBastard Sample Tweet: It doesn’t matter what car you’re driving when you have to take a massive dump, it WILL turn into a fucking Dodge Viper & get you home.
Rooster_ @Chicken_Hawk38 Sample Tweet: Hey Spike TV…. Deadliest Warriors idea. Mother-in-laws vs. Sasquatch
moooooog35 @moooooog35 Sample Tweet: Someday I’m going to change the triangle inside a Magic 8-ball so every side says “Try Again” and give it to someone with OCD.
Amy Scarborough @AmySScarborough Sample Tweet: Dear Chester Cheetah, Your Hot Fries are indeed rather hot & are also a delicious accompaniment to my hot dog from a gas station. Love, Amy
Ingrid Bester @ingybelle Sample Tweet: Breaking News: China’s Leading Agency Lowers U.S. Credit Rating from AAA to BWAHAHAHAHA
Bridge @girl_eats_world Sample Tweet: My boob sweat is what wet dreams are made of.
passive aggressive @behindyourback Sample Tweet: If you’ve ever been told there’s no such thing as a stupid question, it’s because you just asked a really stupid question.
Will O’Fend @willoffendyou Sample Tweet: Enlighten me why you put like 5 people in your profile picture. You know I am going to assume you are the fat one with the hump
Predictive text makes me laugh. I chuckle a little each time I text someone with what the phone seems to think I want to write. So I thought it would be fun to rewrite a story using the predictive text that the phone would like me to use.
Predictive Text Version:
Two rabbits were walking through the first, evern though rabbis don’t really walk…they story of hop walk…but I wanted to paint the picture that these rabbis we’re more out for a geyeiit sterol, a opposed yo heading windermere purposeful, like a business merging out a carryout bay opening.
Rube first rabbit turned to the serving fanboy and said, “This is boring. I really don’t feel like walking for leisure…evern though the sun is shinning, nothing our faces, warming our backsides….evern though the breeze is mighty and cool, and the broom is musical and refreshing…and evern though the trees are proving us shade and french clean oxygen. We have just done this so many rines before. I wish we has a businesses meeting our carryout bar opening yo go too.”
The second rabbit reunited to the first rabbit and said, “I didn’t know you spoke English…”
No, no that is not weighty. Leys try that again.The second rabbit turned to the fittest fanboy and said, “Leys go to the syrup club…”
No…leys try that again.
The second rabbit turned to the first tannoy and said, “Why don’t you go get vent you dumb ads. We are rabbits. This is what we do. We are part of nature. Screw the bishops and bustle of the big court life. Screw teases and death and inflation and debt ceilings and smart nutmeg children. Screw divorce and genocide and am radio. This is the life man. Do you know how hadn’t cripple world paddled south us right note?”
The second rabbit pipped a little, did that cure little mouth chewing thing rabbis do, gabe the first fanboy the finder, and went off to find somber rabbit bane who wanted to get lightly.
The End.
Original Version :
Two rabbits were walking through the forest, even though rabbits don’t really walk…they sort of hop walk…but I wanted to paint the picture that these rabbits were more out for a leisurely stroll, as opposed to heading somewhere purposeful, like a business meeting or a carrot bar opening.
The first rabbit turned to the second rabbit and said, “This is boring. I really don’t feel like walking for leisure…even though the sun is shining, hitting our faces, warming our backsides…even though the breeze is light and cool, and the brook is musical and refreshing…and even though the trees are providing us shade and fresh clean oxygen. We have just done this so many times before. I wish we had a business meeting or carrot bar opening to go too.”
The second rabbit turned to the first rabbit and said, “I didn’t know you spoke English…”
No, no that is not right. Let’s try that again.
The second rabbit turned to the first rabbit and said, “Let’s go to the strip club…”
No…let’s try that again.
The second rabbit turned to the first rabbit and said, “Why don’t you go get bent you dumb ass. We are rabbits. This is what we do. We are part of nature. Screw the hustle and bustle of the big city life. Screw taxes and death and inflation and debt ceilings and smart mouthed children. Screw divorce and genocide and AM radio. This is the life man. Do you know how many people would trade places with us right now?”
The second rabbit pooped a little, did that cute little mouth chewing thing that rabbits do, gave the first rabbit the finger, and went off to find some rabbit babe who wanted to get lucky.
The End.
I promised myself that I would try to post a blog everyday, but today my head is pounding. I can’t think, it hurts so bad. The only thing I can think to write is:
Zombie Haiku
Aaaarg Aaaarg Aaaa Aaaarg Aaaaarg Brains Aaaaarg Chomp Chomp Chomp AaaargI’m not good at figuring out which medicine works the best for which aliment. (and my wife is not here to ask) So I took an Advil, a Tums, a Flintstone vitamin, some purple and red cough syrup mixed together, and an old dusty M&M I found behind the toaster.
This is a bad combination, because my head still hurts and I have a sudden urge to go clubbing in my underwear.
I would lie down but the tap dancing gnomes in my head get even angrier at me. I think it’s because I put their dance floor at a 90 degree angle, thus making it harder to dance.
Since we are out of ice, I’m going to make a cold compress out of an empty beer bottle and a Swanson Frozen Lasagna.
This is not effective, by the way, as I currently have a frost bitten lasagna noodle attached to my left eyebrow.
I fear if I pull it off, I could lose the eyebrow.
I think this sign was meant for me
And this sign was meant for Tenagers
Does whatever a Spider-Can Can...
These two took all day to get their photo.
Things I have learned this weekend.
Once upon a Sunday night, while I pondered channel surfing, Over football, reruns, and 60 Minutes, Oh bore In my seat, I nodded, nearly pondered a Tosh repeat What was the answer, but a teacher dying of cancer ‘Tis can’t be entertaining,’ I muttered, ‘I will watch this one episode and nothing more.’ Ah, distinctly I […]
Welcome to the World Championship Uno competition brought to you by CardTV. I’m your host Philip McCray. In this, the final round, our players will be Jonathon Applebottom in the west position, Nancy Ficklestein in the East position, George “The Butcher” Butcher in the North position, and Gary, an Orange about to turn bad in the […]
Hi There! This is Tom from The Picnic Lovers Association Tennessee Edition or P.L.A.T.E. for short. We would just like you folks to know that P.L.A.T.E. is making picnicking cool again! Over the years the number of picnicking families has drastically dropped. This maybe due to the popularity of video games, bad iPhone navigation applications, the economy, the rise in bear attacks…who […]
WOOF! And scene.
Thank you to: loveandlunchmeat. Go check her out by clicking the picture.
Christopher De Voss 
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