The Other Me Is A Fashion Designer

When you are trying to take over the internet, it’s not narcissistic to use Google Alerts.

It’s not.

Ok, it is a little…but it’s a great tool to find out where you land in the search engines, if anyone is interested in the product you’re putting out, and helps to capture who your audience is outside of the WordPress community.

I use Google Alerts to track this nonsense, as well as (and more importantly) my sister project: Long Awkward Pause.

If you are not familiar with Google Alerts, it emails you when certain words that you ask it to track are typed into the Google search engine. The other day, this pops into my email:

There are a couple of things that make this even more funny and coincidental then it already is…probably only to me…but I’m going to share anyway:

– There are a lot of people with the last name of DeVos, with the one ‘S’, not a lot with the two ‘SS’ ‘s, (that’s a lot of processor apostrophes) like mine. So the fact that there is another name exactly like mine is incredible. It would be like if there where two people named Hippo Bandersnatch in the world.

– If you go to Long Awkward Pause and look at the writers list, you will notice my brother, Jack, is also on the staff. If you really pay attention, you will notice he is billed as Jack DeVoss, while I’m billed as Christopher De Voss. (With a space between the De and the Voss) There is no space in Jack’s last name. That’s because he spells it correctly, and I do not. Why have I chosen to add a space? When I was younger, and trying to be a famous actor, I thought it looked cool. That’s all, just the coolness factor. (which there is none…(and I’m not famous, but kind of stuck with it now. (this is just to add another parenthese)))

– Target is my favorite store.

Now going back to the article that the Google Alert, altered me to; this I think, is supposed to be a picture of the Target fashion designers: Peter Pilotto and Christopher De Voss:

The article didn’t credit who is who…

One looks like a shorter version of the lead singer of Coldplay and the other looks like any lead German-born bad guy in an action movie such as Die Hard. (Die Hard 12, Die Hard With A Fashion!)

Here are some examples of their die hard fashion designs:

It all looks like something Sally from Nightmare Before Christmas would wear.

In case you are not familiar with the reference:

Sally

I think if any of my friends would say that if I designed fashion for women, it would look something like this:

Not true!

I would actually design something more in the lines of this:

Although, I would probably sneak something like this into my fashion line:

I will use this same name thing to try to score free clothes from Target:

“You don’t know who I am?! I designed this plaid button down shirt! I’m fashion designer, Christopher De Voss! Now put these clothes I have in my basket here on Target’s tab! I’m headed to the food court!”

Happy Halloween 2013

For those unfamiliar, this is a pumpkin with Walter White’s face carved into it. Walter White is from the TV show Breaking Bad, the greatest TV show ever mind you.

No matter what I did to that graphic above it either came out blurry, or came out too small to read. Thanks for nothing WordPress.

What it says is:

Me:

I can’t even cut a good triangle eye socket.

Amy:

I like to use the patterns so ppl think I’m artistic. Tricks on them ! (Emoticon with tongue sticking out)

Me:

I tried to use patterns, but they get all bunched up on the pumpkin…then my pattern of a werewolf looks like a messed up triangle eye socket.

Happy Halloween

or

Happy The Pattern Looks Easier In The Book Then It Is To Perform On The Pumpkin

or

Happy I Hope I Don’t Run Out Of Candy Before Those Damn Teenagers Who Decided At 10 O’clock At Night To Go Trick Or Treating With Their Pillow Case And Besides Aren’t They Too Old To Go Trick Or Treating Anyway?

or

Happy Turn Off All Your Lights And Make No Noise Because Your Too Cheap Or Lazy To Buy/Give Out Candy

or

Happy Go Downtown And Stare At All The Ladies’ Butts That Are Hanging Out Of The Bottom Of Their Bumble Bee Costumes

or

Happy Go Through Your Kids’ Candy And Stick The Bit O’ Honey Back Into The Candy Bowl To Give To Other Trick Or Treaters

Jack Is Better At This Vine Thing Than Me

No secret, I’m a big fan of Social Media. I usually try the latest and greatest, but mostly stick to the big three…at least for me…Twitter, Facebook, and WordPress.

Here is my quick take on some of them:

Twitter – The best one out there, by far, hands down. If you don’t have a Twitter, get one. If you don’t understand it, learn. One of the greatest things about it, is it’s list feature. You can create a news list, comedy list, sports list, etc.  Then you have little pockets of news and entertainment. However, sometimes the 140 character limit gets annoying because I can be wordy.

Facebook – Good for those posts that you just can’t get down to 140 characters no matter how hard you try.  Also apparently good for baby pictures, car pictures, and cryptic sad posts.

WordPress – A community. Enough said. Love.

Instagram – If you like pictures of other people’s food, then this is the place for you.

LinkedIn – Seems to be a network for people in business. The only thing I use it for is to promote this blog and the Long Awkward Pause magazine. I imagine people sitting around in business suits, opening their LinkedIn feed and seeing my posts about boobs, twinkies, and toilet paper and throwing their phones at the window. I drove by the Chase Bank building in downtown Orlando the other day after publishing and saw a big pile of cell phones lying outside of it and I smiled. I knew I did my job well that day.

FourSquare – Tells people when your not home. Good for members of the Wet Bandit Gang.

GetGlue – Tells people what shows you are watching. People really don’t care what shows I’m watching, I get that. However, you earn virtual stickers for checking into certain shows. The really cool thing is that GetGlue will send you real stickers of your virtual stickers for free! Everyone likes stickers.

Tumblr – If you like animated Gifs and seeing the same funny picture 50 times from 50 different people, then this different take on the blog format is for you. Also, boobs.

Google + – This service was suppose to be the Facebook killer. Well, after killing nothing, it’s now overrun by Google employees and people in various web related industries. If you’re a techie, web designer, or computer programmer, then you will want to hang out here.

Pinterest – It started with the women of the world posting their craft and holiday ideas. Slowly, some of us has been invading it with our dumb pictures and themes. I actually have a big following on here and have declared myself the King of Pinterest.

YouTube – We all know what this is…the cool thing about YouTube is that over the last couple of years they have funded original programming, and a lot of those shows are incredibly good. Three that I like to watch are: TableTop, Why Would You Eat That? and Bored Shorts TV. I also use YouTube to catch up the Jimmy Fallon Show.

There are other sites out there, but who cares?

About…I don’t know…6 or so months ago, along comes Vine for Android. IPhone users had Vine for awhile. If your not familiar, it’s an app where you record 6 second videos that play in a continuous loop.

Side Note: When Vine hit the Android platform the IPhone people were upset. This makes no sense to me, because if you are in to creating something, why wouldn’t want more people to see it? You just doubled your number of followers dumb ass! This was the start of putting a sour taste in my mouth about Vine.

Side Note Two: Vine has a created a new type of porn. The 6 second porn. Make your own obvious jokes here.

Side Note Three: I suck at Vine. I suck at all those other platforms too, but I really, really, really  suck at Vine.

For example, this was one of my first Vines:

And it has all the classics of what most Vines are: something random, some kid, and not very interesting.

Here is another attempt:

A lot of Viners…I don’t know if that is what they call themselves, but I’m calling them that…like to practice the art of misdirection, by filming one thing, then cutting to something random. Here is my attempt:

(If there is no sound, hover over the video with your mouse cursor and click the speaker icon that comes up. Your not missing anything if you can’t get it to work.)

I’m not a good Viner. Most of my vines miss the key action of the scene, like this from Medieval Times:

In this vine, it starts with me missing the start of the competition, thus the guy just sitting on the horse, then cut to me missing the battle, which is why you see the knight getting off the ground, and finally a missed shot of a knight being tossed from his horse.

This one is of a zombies at Universal’s Halloween Horror Nights walking through the bar line. I started the video too early and missed the actual walk through. No second chance with this stuff, which is why I just posted it anyway. It was cool…the part not in the Vine that is…

Here is another zombie where I cut off the Vine just before the attack on some unsuspecting tourist in line:

If you pay close attention, at the end you can see him about to lunge. I missed the lunge. The lunge was the best part.

As of this writing, I only have about 30 Vines. It’s not really something I plan on doing regularly.  Vine already has it’s standout “stars” as it is, one of them being Nicholas Megalis:

Go follow Nick, and in the meantime, I’ll just leave you with my best vine:

Facebook Friday Pt 8 Candy Crush Edition

If you have not played Candy Crush, it’s a game much like Bejeweled where you match the pieces and clear the board. If you have not played Bejeweled, then skip this post all together.

Candy Crush is a little more addictive because there are different levels and boards to conquer unlike the endless dropping gems of Bejeweled. I wasn’t going to get suckered into playing, until I got suckered into playing.

And all was good…until Level 65 came along.

Level 65 is a dick. I must have played it like 50 times before unleashing my disdain on the Facebook community.

Hate to complain…but it makes me feel better. FYI: The dinos refers to Jurassic Park which is a game I play in between playing my favorite game at the moment, Simpson’s Tap Out.

Then my friend Kenny came along. Kenny recently broke his foot, so I’m sure he had lots of time to master this evil, evil, foul smelling game.

A lot of time apparently.

I call this taunt Kenny Crush.

If you have played this game, you will understand how much this hurts.

If you clear a lot of pieces the game says, “Sweet!” It would have been better if the Keanu Reeves of Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure said it. I thought it was funny.

Candy Crush depression or Candy Cression.

Kenny actually texted me with some tips and strategies. Like; did you know if they stripes on the candies are horizontal, they will blow apart the horizontal row away and same with vertical.

With Kenny’s advice, and a few exercises where he made me grab a fly from his hand with chop sticks, I was getting closer.

Until…I did it! Which means nothing in this world, but I’m so happy yay!

 

Until I got stuck on Level 78….

 

Facebook Friday Pt 7

It’s always cool when a celebrity respondes to your tweet. I got two celebrities to respond to me this week.

I tweeted this out:

And got this lengthy explaination:

I knew it!

And even more impressive, when I tweeted this:

I got this:

—–

Got some backlash on this one. It was only a joke. I bought her Mother’s Day present at Family Dollar a week ago.

For those that don’t wish to squint it says: My favorite kid’s playground toy: “Let’s pretend to drive a fence.”

The Anatomy Of My 6000th Tweet

I just happen to glance at my twitter count…

…which was strange, because I never do…

I don’t care about my Twitter count, it was just a random glance, I swear.

Anyway, it was at 5,999.

Cool!

For some reason, I thought I should craft my 6,000th tweet as something really special, really powerful, really funny. A tweet to blow away all other tweets…and that’s hard to do. There are a lot of talented people on Twitter.

(Now, to be honest on the Twitter count, they are not all handcrafted gems of comedy. Some of them are links from other social sites like GetGlue, Instagram, and Soundtracking. Those are throw away tweets. So if I was to eliminate all the throw away tweets, my number would be more around the 67 mark.)

Normally I just tweet whatever random thought enters my head, but for my 6,000th, I was going to contemplate something genius for awhile.

For those who don’t Twitter, and those that do, the 6,000th tweet doesn’t mean anything. There are no awards or celebrations, nobody knocking on my door with balloons and a big check…it’s just something to celebrate personally…like flipping the odometer on your car from 999,999 to 1,000,000…which of course promptly puts the car in the shop.

Cut to 7 hours later when I forgot that I was going to hand craft the bestest, funniest, tweet in the world to celebrate 6,000, and instead tweet this:

What the hell is that?!

OK. I see the look on your face…Let me break down the thought process here for a second. I actually don’t think this will help. It will probably make it worse.

Here in Orlando we have a theme park called Universal Studios. The new big thing coming this summer is Transformers 3D – The Ride.

This is a promotion for the new ride. It’s a transformer that “walked” through a building in downtown Orlando. If you look closely, there are crushed cars in front of the building. Super cool, right?

So now I’m thinking about Transformers and the fact that one of the Transformers was a cassette tape…a now obsolete item. It would suck being an obsolete item as a Transformer. If I was a Transformer, I would definitely request to be an item that stayed current for a long time. That would eliminate a lot of the Transformers that turned into cars, trucks, and motorcycles as well.

“I can transform into a 1986 AMC Concord!”

“I don’t even think that car company is around anymore!”

“Oh, crap!”

(That was a little thought process play from inside my head.)

There is one mechanical device that stands the test of time. It has design changes, but the basic model is still used and popular, even today.

The Vibrator. I could be a transforming vibrator! (Need to be real careful about when I would transform…Ouch, ladies!)

I don’t want to be a transforming pink vibrator…maybe baby blue…

Sorry, getting off track, back to the Tweet. Now I have the begining of the Tweet:

Transformers – Vibrator…More than meets (?)

In case you are unfamiliar, the catch phrase of Transformers is; ‘More Than Meets The Eye’.

What could replace ‘eye’ that relates to a vibrator and would be funny?

Thigh? (No, you don’t vibrate your thigh…hello!)

Stye (Huh? Eye problems and vibrators? Nope.)

Bye?

High?

Die?

Bill Nye?

In my head I’m chanting: Eye, Eye, Eye, Vibrators, Eye, Eye, Brown Eye, Eye…Brown Eye!…Snicker, Snicker….

Wait a minute…

With a tiny change…

And there it was…my tweet…my 6000th tweet…

Oh crap!

I just made my 6000th, oh-so-special-tweet about transforming butt plugs.

*Hangs head*

So I followed that tweet up with this tweet:

Oh well….

(I’m serious though…what’s with all the cat pictures out there all of the sudden?)

Spongebob To Golf And Back

Sick. Sick. Sick.

I’ve been sick.

It was much more worse two weeks ago.

On Sunday I sat in a chair and just let the kids do whatever they want. My plan was to either:

A) Sleep and not move until I felt better

or

B) Die.

The 6 year old’s plan was to watch endless hours of Spongebob Squarepants on the DVR.

She did.

I did too.

Eventually she moved on to her karaoke machine to sing One Direction’s What Makes You Beautiful. (Her own special version.)

I watched the rest of Spongebob with the One Direction song blaring in the other room. The episode ended and clicked off of the DVR, leaving me with Golf…and the TV remote across the room on the couch.

In my sick state, it might as well have been in Iceland.

Or Greenland.

Or Mordor.

Or Mordorland.

Even though I live in Florida, I’m not a golfer. I tried a couple of times. I had a lot of fun too, until the greenskeeper yelled at me to stop racing the other golfers in the golf carts, and that I needed to actually play the game of golf. I got kicked out when they found out I didn’t even have a set of golf clubs with me.

I have never watched golf on TV before…

I found it boring to play, so I doubt I would find it much more stimulating to watch.

I was wrong! It was quite actually entertaining to watch. Now it could have just been the fever boiling my brain that made it so fun to watch, but regardless I was hooked for the afternoon.

First question that popped into my head…who decided it was a good idea to take the smallest ball possible and try to shoot it into a hole four miles away? This is where mini golf is better, because the hole is only 4 feet away and you get to travel through a windmill.

I think orginally the Scottish invented golf as a joke on everyone else.

“Ah, laddies! Here is a new sport…(hee hee). Try to take this itty bitty ball and put it in the hole way yonder there! You can’t see the hole, but trust me…it’s there. Swing this metal stick against the ball. Oh, and you can only do it in three tries or less. If not, you have to throw that tree stump around!”

Second question: How close are the golf announcers to the actual golf players in order that they have to talk like yoga instructors? I watched the golfers move from hole to hole…without golf carts mind you, no racing for these guys…but when they cut back to the anouncers, they didn’t seem to move at all…yet still talked like they were trying to put me in a trance.

For some reason after watching this telecast, on certain key words I will take off all my clothes and cluck like a chicken…but I don’t want to talk about it.

Shhhhhh!

(Asparagus)

The most impressive thing about watching golf on TV….the cameramen! They can follow that teeny tiny golf ball from swing to water hole. I wonder if you have to go to special golf cameraman school for that?

Golf cameramen get to race golf carts.

At the very end Tiger Woods won, which I guess doesn’t happen very often anymore…. ?

I don’t know.

People seemed excited about it. The strange thing was, was that Tiger Woods’ caddie slapped him on the butt like a football player! That’s dangerous man! Give Tiger the right opening and he will have sex with you.

It’s in the game.

Facebook Friday Pt 5 (On A Wednesday)

Some of my favorite Facebook posts as of late:

“Things Go Wrong for Me” By Rodney Lacroix — A Review…Don’t Be Scared, It’s Funny

Don’t worry Rodney, not giving your book out for free…this is my writing partner…

So whenever someone asks me about Twitter, which is my favorite social media site, I explain how it works, and I suggest a list of people to follow to get the ball rolling. One of those people always on the list is @moooooog35…if I think you can handle the humor (or if you’re British, humour).

And by handle the humor, I mean:

A) You like to laugh.  A lot.

and

B) You don’t get easily offended.

One problem with giving out my ultimate Twitter follow list is that it’s full of names like moooooo35, douche mcbag, chicken dick, and glittertits.

Trust me, it’s worth the embarrassment of searching for a name like “glittertits.”

Well, if you have a sense of humor, that is.

But enough about glittertits…I don’t even know if glittertits has written a book, so we need to concentrate on moooooog35…who did write a book.

And a damn funny one.

Now for the sake of my sanity when having to count six o’s when writing moooooog35, let’s call him by his real name, Rodney Lacroix…which is the same name listed on the book…so it works out really, really, really well.

In the midst of receiving an advanced copy of the book, (yeah that’s right people, I said “advanced.” I’m feeling really cool and hip right now. I read the book first…well, I’m sure after his publisher…and Rodney’s kids…his ex-wife, current girlfriend, the neighbors, his parents, a few cousins, his dentist, the mailman, the really nice grocery store clerk who should have retired in 1973 yet is still working…why is he still working? Just retire already, dude! The grocery store will run without you! The bananas will still get stocked!)

Sorry.

Anyway, in the midst of receiving an ADVANCED copy of the book, I had my own blog’s schedule to complete that week…which I was behind on, an article due for TMRZoo.com, a book I was involved in coming out, plus trying to invent a humorous card game with David Harding, and the Toddler asking me to make her chocolate milk and popcorn every five seconds while I was trying to write…

I know. I’m a busy guy.

And now…

I had this book to read…

That I couldn’t put down!

The book made me late on all those other projects, and it was well worth it, like being late to your kid’s kindergarten graduation because you had to look at one more 3 minute clip of midget lesbian porn. By the way, I love how cute they look in those little shiny leather/plastic/pleather dominatrix outfits they wear.

Now I’m friends with Rodney on Facebook, and he seems a rather fit, dapper, strapping man, (Did I just gay out there for a second? Noooooo! They call it bromancing now-a-days.) yet chapter one starts with a rather fat child who accidentally craps his pants after eating too much ex-lax before his first bicycle date. Rodney adds his own artwork and pictures throughout the book, which helps illustrate the skateboarding mishaps, the toboggan mishaps, and the Frankenstein mask story, but luckily he spares us the graphics on the bicycle poop story.

I know 3% of you sickos would not consider that lucky.

If you are a parent and need an excuse to buy this book, then the chapters on parenting are worth the price. I don’t know the price of the book, because remember yours truly got an ADVANCED copy, but even if it’s a hundred thousand dollars, go get a loan. Rodney hits it right on the head when it comes to child rearing, which is: it sucks unless you can mess with the little one’s heads a bit. My oldest daughter once complained that the AM station which was home to Radio Disney never came in very well and that I should fix it. I told her that we had to pay for AM stations, and since I didn’t have a CD player on the dashboard, I had nowhere to put the money in to pay.

To this day she has never let me forget it. I also told her once that raisins give you super powers….

I can never look at raisins the same again. In that last pack of Sun Maid raisins, I hope I didn’t actually eat my grandma, she was very fond of baths. After you read the book, this will be funnier.

More incentive to read it, in case laughing like a loon wasn’t enough, there are sections on dating, vasectomies, match.com, draw something game, Axe body spray, the local adult store, sex dice and manscaping.  Each section has one liner bits of wisdom and funny pictures sprinkled throughout, creating a really fun experience.

Here is the bottom line: This is one of those books that you could read all in one sitting, or pick up and put down at your whim. You can read it from chapter to chapter, or skip around. You can reread your favorite parts over and over. The book is hilarious and honest.

The only way you wouldn’t enjoy this book is if you don’t like to laugh…or can’t read…or if you accidentally dropped the book in molten lava because you told your kids to stay away from the molten lava and they didn’t listen, and you dropped your book while grabbing the shirt collar of the 10-year-old about to step off the cliff into a big pit of molten lava, because they couldn’t be bothered to pay attention to where they were going or your verbal warnings….

Then, yeah, you may not enjoy the book. But then again, if I were you…I wouldn’t live anywhere near molten lava, so I guess you live and learn, right?

Ways to get more Rodney:

Twitter: @moooooog35

Blog: http://www.midgetmanofsteel.com/

*jazz hands*

You can order the book in Hardcover and Kindle formats from:

 

 Amazon
Kindle

 Barnes & Noble

Dream A Little Dream

“I was dreaming when I wrote this, forgive me if it goes astray.” – Prince And The Revolution

Last night, I had a dream. It went like this:

I was walking through the dessert. It was a stereotypical dessert, with stereotypical dunes behind me, with a stereotypical line of camels in the far off distance.

Que a quick shot to the stereotypical desert sun, shimming in the heat, where it does that thing that looks like it’s rotating, but it’s not and it looks like sun rays are shooting down to the ground with those little sun bubble things floating around it.

So I am walking, and walking. My sneakers are falling apart and my shirt is soaked with sweat. I’m walking like a zombie, which is ironic to say the least. The tracks I’m leaving in the sand are zig zaggy. One clear shoe print is left on the right side of my path, and the left side looks like a snail trail..

Suddenly…from out of nowhere, which makes sense since I am stuck right dab in the middle of nowhere, fifty Arabs on forty-seven galloping horses go…well…galloping by. As they go…well…galloping by two of the Arabs grab me by either arm and lift me into the air. I am now suspended in mid-air, going the speed of gallop, and screaming,

“Help! Don’t drop me! Who are you guys?”

In the distance I see a rather large tent, with several smaller tents circling it. They weren’t actually circling the large tent like a wagon posse, they were more or less placed around the large tent.

It doesn’t take long for the distance to become the close up and the Arabs face plant me on a red carpet in front of the large tent. I wonder if it’s time for me to except my Oscar award.

Picking red carpet fibers from my teeth and rubbing the side of my swollen face, I turn to the Arabs that have just thrown me down.

“What the hell?!” I yell.

The Arabs just point to the tent and raise their moon shaped swords. They look very mean and cartoonish at the same time. One of the Arabs is holding a monkey and is giving it an Uncrustable to eat. (Remember this is a dream.)

I walk into the tent.

Immediately a very large Arab grabs me by the neck and forces me to my knees. (Not that kind of dream.) In front of me is several steps. The steps lead to a throne. The throne holds a rather fat, sour looking Arab with a crown on his head.

The large Arab with the death clutch on my neck says to me,

“This is King Ubedube. He has not laughed in over 40 years. We will kill you…unless you can make the King laugh. But I must warn you…no one has ever made the King laugh.”

“At least you gave me an easy task,” I reply and the large Arab sneers at me.

“Does the King like Twitter?” I ask.

“The King likes Twitter. You can follow him @KingUbedubeLovesBitches,” Neck Grab responds.

“In my pocket is my phone. On my phone is Twitter. Let me get my phone and read him some tweets.”

The large Arab smashes me down to the carpet (Sorry, still not that kind of dream.) and pulls out my phone.

“I will read your tweets to the King myself. If you so much as move, I will kill you.”

“OK!” I yell. “I get it!”

The Arab opens my Twitter and reads to the KIng:

“A horse walks into a bar, the bartender asks him why the long face…The horse unable to understand English shits on the floor and leaves.”

The King doesn’t move. He just stares at me.

“What does that even mean?” asks the large Arab holding my phone.

“Well, it’s kind of a twist to the old horse joke, ‘Horse – Why the long face?'” I respond.

The room is suddenly filled with Arabs who are just looking at me stoned-faced and angry.

“I didn’t write it,” I stammer. “I just copied it from somewhere…”

“What is so funny about a horse shitting on the floor?” sneers the King.

“Oh, hey you talk,” I smile.

The King just looks at me, one eyebrow raised, the other eyebrow holding a sword ready to throw at my face.

“Like I said,” I said. “It’s about the bar, and the horse walking into it… never mind! You’re right. It’s not funny. Try reading some different tweets. Maybe read some from people I follow. You’ll have to find at least one funny.”

So the large Arab reads all 3000 and something tweets of mine, plus some from others. The King does not crack one smile, not even the slightest lip curl.

“What now, stupid-funny-man?” asks death grip Arab. “You’re pretty much a dead man!”

I think for a moment.

“I know,” I knowingly say. “Read him my WordPress. Maybe something in there will make him laugh.”

“What is WordPress?” asks the King.

“It’s a blogging website…”

“No blogs!” screams the King.

“Wait, wait! I’m not the traditional blogger! I’m not really gifted with the written word. I just kind of throw stupid stuff out there and hope it’s spelled right. Please give it a try. There has to be something in there you might possibly like…”

The King sits back and crosses his arms.

“If there is one recipe in there…” the King says and makes a motion with his finger across his neck.

“I’m not going to lie,” I reply. “There are recipes, but they are fake funny recipes.”

“I will allow this,” says the King. “Read me the White Devil’s blog.”

The large Arab reads the King every single one of my blogs.

Every one.

The King does not laugh, smile, or even expel some gas. The King just sits at his throne and looks angry.

“I take it the King hated it.”

“I wouldn’t say hated it,” large Arab says. “He liked the zombie stories very much. He says you should write more zombie stories, less Arab dream stories.”

“He liked the zombie stories?” I sputter in disbelief. “Really?”

“Oh, yes. He would like to hear more zombie stories,” large Arab says with a smile.

“Wow! That’s great! So he is not going to have me killed?”

“No,” says large Arab as he runs a sword through my stomach. “You were suppose to make the King laugh, remember? Not scare the living crap out of him.”

And then I woke up and my wife had all the blankets.