A Simple And Classy Love Poem

 

You can fart on me in bed

I don’t mind one bit

Just be mindful

That you don’t accidently

Take a shit

Babysitting A Dog

Not a dog person.

Not a cat person, hamster person, ferret, rabbit, unicorn, or snake person….

If it has the potential to poop in the house it’s not for me.

We do have a dog. It took a lot of begging from the wife and kids to change my mind on getting a dog, and the fact that they picked out a dog at the pet store, surrounded me with every shop patron and worker in the place, and asked me with those big doughy Disney-puppy-dog-tearing-up-get-us-this-dog-or-we-will-die-and-haunt-you-for-the-rest-of-your-life eyes, causing me to give in…or be run out of town like Frankenstein from the villagers with torch in hand. Worst part of it all, I had to shell out $600 on the spot for the little carpet pooper.

All in all not a good day, but the dog and I have come to terms with each other. I don’t pet, feed, water, or play with it, and it does not poop or pee on my carpet.

Deal.

So my wife, in all of her dog-loving glory, offers to babysit her friends dog while she goes out of town for three days.

Great.

The dog is dropped off. And the fun begins.

The two dogs run up the stairs…thump, bump, bumpity, bumpity, thump.

The two dogs run down the stairs…thump, bump, bumpity, bumpity, thump.

The two dogs run up the stairs…thump, bump, bumpity, bumpity, thump.

The two dogs run down the stairs…thump, bump, bumpity, bumpity, thump.

Then the dog walks into the living and pees on the carpet.

The dog broke rule number one. No peeing or pooping on the carpet from neither man nor beast. I told my wife the next time we are at a stranger’s house, I’m pulling out my tally whacker and taking a piss right on their carpet.

“Oh, what a lovely home you have. Is that new carpet?” (Insert dramatic unzipping noise, cue camera shot from behind and arched pee stream.)

My wife sighs and cleans it up.

I held my temper. I understand the dog is in a new environment with strangers, 4 of them being children…

Next the dog looks at me and starts whining. To make a long story short on the whining, it doesn’t stop for three days.

On day 2, the dog throws up in her crate and has diarrhea on the carpet, 16 more hours of whining are also awaiting me.

Our dog doesn’t bark a lot, which is great. This dog is one of those that barks at every little noise. Every time someone knocks on the door I get a little mini heart attack treat because this dog feels the need to run and bark at the door. Guess what dog? The door is not for you!

To matters worse, the dog keeps eating the toddler’s stuff animals. There is bits of stuffing and fake fur everywhere.

“If it’s on the floor, the dog will think it’s fair game,” my wife tells me as my youngest daughter is holding a stuffed dog head in one hand and a stuffing-less deflated dog body in the other.

The toddler quickly recovers from any toy mutilations from the dog, because she herself, like her mother, and everyone in the world, but me, is also a dog lover.

“How cute, the dog just threw up. How cute, the dog ate a 70 dollar pair of shoes. How cute that rottweiler ate that kids face off.”

Not for me.

I will say babysitting this dog did give me a good appreciation for my dog.

Bad dog. Identity concealed for it's own protection.

Good dog with toddler. I drew clothes on the toddler as she was nakey.

Predictive Text Story

Predictive text makes me laugh. I chuckle a little each time I text someone with what the phone seems to think I want to write. So I thought it would be fun to rewrite a story using the predictive text that the phone would like me to use.

Predictive Text Version:

Two rabbits were walking through the first, evern though rabbis don’t really walk…they story of hop walk…but I wanted to paint the picture that these rabbis we’re more out for a geyeiit sterol, a opposed yo heading windermere purposeful, like a business merging out a carryout bay opening.

Rube first rabbit turned to the serving fanboy and said, “This is boring. I really don’t feel like walking for leisure…evern though the sun is shinning, nothing our faces, warming our backsides….evern though the breeze is mighty and cool, and the broom is musical and refreshing…and evern though the trees are proving us shade and french clean oxygen. We have just done this so many rines before. I wish we has a businesses meeting our carryout bar opening yo go too.”

The second rabbit reunited to the first rabbit and said, “I didn’t know you spoke English…”

No, no that is not weighty. Leys try that again.The second rabbit turned to the fittest fanboy and said, “Leys go to the syrup club…”

No…leys try that again.

The second rabbit turned to the first tannoy and said, “Why don’t you go get vent you dumb ads. We are rabbits. This is what we do. We are part of nature. Screw the bishops and bustle of the big court life. Screw teases and death and inflation and debt ceilings and smart nutmeg children. Screw divorce and genocide and am radio. This is the life man. Do you know how hadn’t cripple world paddled south us right note?”

The second rabbit pipped a little, did that cure little mouth chewing thing rabbis do, gabe the first fanboy the finder, and went off to find somber rabbit bane who wanted to get lightly.

The End.

 

Original Version :

Two rabbits were walking through the forest, even though rabbits don’t really walk…they sort of hop walk…but I wanted to paint the picture that these rabbits were more out for a leisurely  stroll, as opposed to heading somewhere purposeful, like a business meeting or a carrot bar opening.

The first rabbit turned to the second rabbit and said, “This is boring. I really don’t feel like walking for leisure…even though the sun is shining, hitting our faces, warming our backsides…even though the breeze is light and cool, and the brook is musical and refreshing…and even though the trees are providing us shade and fresh clean oxygen. We have just done this so many times before. I wish we had a business meeting or carrot bar opening to go too.”

The second rabbit turned to the first rabbit and said, “I didn’t know you spoke English…”

No, no that is not right. Let’s try that again.

The second rabbit turned to the first rabbit and said, “Let’s go to the strip club…”

No…let’s try that again.

The second rabbit turned to the first rabbit and said, “Why don’t you go get bent you dumb ass. We are rabbits. This is what we do. We are part of nature. Screw the hustle and bustle of the big city life. Screw taxes and death and inflation and debt ceilings and smart mouthed children. Screw divorce and genocide and AM radio. This is the life man. Do you know how many people would trade places with us right now?”

The second rabbit pooped a little, did that cute little mouth chewing thing that rabbits do, gave the first rabbit the finger, and went off to find some rabbit babe who wanted to get lucky.

The End.