My Simplistic Review Of The Smart Watch

Samsung, Sony, and Apple are all in the process of releasing a smart watch, because our sun tanned wrists are just begging for that albino skin patch to reappear when not wearing one.

The watch market has been declining rapidly over the last couple of years with everyone using their cell phones to keep time, as well as display the weather, play games, look at porn, and update Facebook…basically everything a watch can’t do.

The Contenders:

Samsung Galaxy Gear

Sony SmartWatch 2 (I think it’s a bad design for a watch if you have to hold it in your palm…wait…what? Oh, nevermind…that was just for this picture.)

The Apple iWatch  released just minutes before the Apple iWatch 2 and 3 is unveiled.

Let’s take a minute and go down memory lane…remember the calculator watch?

How scientific!

Or the game watch?

If I remember right, it was as big as your head.

Or how about the WTF watch?

The watch for douche bags. You don’t know how to read it, but it gets people to notice you and then ask you how to read it. Which just makes you look at someone else’s watch for the correct time.

From the initial reports the smart watch has to work in conjunction with your phone, so I don’t really see the point. It let’s you know when you missed a phone call from the phone that most likely is in your pocket…ringing…or vibrating…or vibrating and ringing…or has a dead battery…

Changing the face of the watch using a Galaxy Note 3. (My next phone! Want!)

Moving on.

You can do what you might expect it to do, play music, update Facebook/Twitter, check email, view the weather instead of looking out the window…and take pictures. Some of the smart watches allow you to use it as a phone with a blue tooth headset on, and we all know how special the people who use those day in and day out look.

The camera on the Samsung version is in the wrist band so that you can take pictures while looking like a posed Power Ranger without the Power Ranger outfit. Actually I don’t know if you have the outfit on or not. I apologize for assuming the latter.

The watches will range in the $300 range which is a little pricey for a watch unless your a rapper.

I got your SmartWatch bitch! (Why do you suppose this picture is taken in the bathroom?!)

One advantage the traditional watch has over the Smart Watch, the traditional watch battery can last years, whereas the Smart Watch battery is hoping to get 26 hours.

One advantage the Smart Watch has over the traditional watch, technology is cool!

The Anatomy Of My 6000th Tweet

I just happen to glance at my twitter count…

…which was strange, because I never do…

I don’t care about my Twitter count, it was just a random glance, I swear.

Anyway, it was at 5,999.

Cool!

For some reason, I thought I should craft my 6,000th tweet as something really special, really powerful, really funny. A tweet to blow away all other tweets…and that’s hard to do. There are a lot of talented people on Twitter.

(Now, to be honest on the Twitter count, they are not all handcrafted gems of comedy. Some of them are links from other social sites like GetGlue, Instagram, and Soundtracking. Those are throw away tweets. So if I was to eliminate all the throw away tweets, my number would be more around the 67 mark.)

Normally I just tweet whatever random thought enters my head, but for my 6,000th, I was going to contemplate something genius for awhile.

For those who don’t Twitter, and those that do, the 6,000th tweet doesn’t mean anything. There are no awards or celebrations, nobody knocking on my door with balloons and a big check…it’s just something to celebrate personally…like flipping the odometer on your car from 999,999 to 1,000,000…which of course promptly puts the car in the shop.

Cut to 7 hours later when I forgot that I was going to hand craft the bestest, funniest, tweet in the world to celebrate 6,000, and instead tweet this:

What the hell is that?!

OK. I see the look on your face…Let me break down the thought process here for a second. I actually don’t think this will help. It will probably make it worse.

Here in Orlando we have a theme park called Universal Studios. The new big thing coming this summer is Transformers 3D – The Ride.

This is a promotion for the new ride. It’s a transformer that “walked” through a building in downtown Orlando. If you look closely, there are crushed cars in front of the building. Super cool, right?

So now I’m thinking about Transformers and the fact that one of the Transformers was a cassette tape…a now obsolete item. It would suck being an obsolete item as a Transformer. If I was a Transformer, I would definitely request to be an item that stayed current for a long time. That would eliminate a lot of the Transformers that turned into cars, trucks, and motorcycles as well.

“I can transform into a 1986 AMC Concord!”

“I don’t even think that car company is around anymore!”

“Oh, crap!”

(That was a little thought process play from inside my head.)

There is one mechanical device that stands the test of time. It has design changes, but the basic model is still used and popular, even today.

The Vibrator. I could be a transforming vibrator! (Need to be real careful about when I would transform…Ouch, ladies!)

I don’t want to be a transforming pink vibrator…maybe baby blue…

Sorry, getting off track, back to the Tweet. Now I have the begining of the Tweet:

Transformers – Vibrator…More than meets (?)

In case you are unfamiliar, the catch phrase of Transformers is; ‘More Than Meets The Eye’.

What could replace ‘eye’ that relates to a vibrator and would be funny?

Thigh? (No, you don’t vibrate your thigh…hello!)

Stye (Huh? Eye problems and vibrators? Nope.)

Bye?

High?

Die?

Bill Nye?

In my head I’m chanting: Eye, Eye, Eye, Vibrators, Eye, Eye, Brown Eye, Eye…Brown Eye!…Snicker, Snicker….

Wait a minute…

With a tiny change…

And there it was…my tweet…my 6000th tweet…

Oh crap!

I just made my 6000th, oh-so-special-tweet about transforming butt plugs.

*Hangs head*

So I followed that tweet up with this tweet:

Oh well….

(I’m serious though…what’s with all the cat pictures out there all of the sudden?)

Reblog Thursday Pt 30

It’s reblog Thursday and it feels fresh and clean.

I don’t know what that means either.

Sweet Mother is on my list of comedians to see, but she likes to tour near Florida, but never in Florida…

I think she is secretly afraid of states that begin with F.

Despite this post being about not writing for a week, generally she writes quite a bit. So, you know, if your into reading funny things, you might want to check this blog out. It’s not like my blog, it’s actually good.

Sweet Mother

The below is what happens in my brain after I haven’t posted in a few days.  Every day the intention is to post.  With a new full-time gig, a pending house purchase, and a god awful commute, finding the time has been a struggle.  Hopefully, you will enjoy the neurosis that is my brain brought to the page.

 

Day 1:  Okay, I’ll post this morning.  I have a lot of ideas.  Can’t wait to write.  But, I only have 45 minutes before work.  Should I write some stuff for twitter instead? Dear god, when will I find the time to twitter?  My twitter can not go cold!  Cold twitter is like cold sake!  Wait, that’s not so bad.

 

Day 2:  Okay, didn’t post yesterday.  Today is the day.  I’ll do it during lunch.

 

Lunchtime on Day 2:  Boss just handed me a crushing workload.  It seems just…

View original post 670 more words

“Things Go Wrong for Me” By Rodney Lacroix — A Review…Don’t Be Scared, It’s Funny

Don’t worry Rodney, not giving your book out for free…this is my writing partner…

So whenever someone asks me about Twitter, which is my favorite social media site, I explain how it works, and I suggest a list of people to follow to get the ball rolling. One of those people always on the list is @moooooog35…if I think you can handle the humor (or if you’re British, humour).

And by handle the humor, I mean:

A) You like to laugh.  A lot.

and

B) You don’t get easily offended.

One problem with giving out my ultimate Twitter follow list is that it’s full of names like moooooo35, douche mcbag, chicken dick, and glittertits.

Trust me, it’s worth the embarrassment of searching for a name like “glittertits.”

Well, if you have a sense of humor, that is.

But enough about glittertits…I don’t even know if glittertits has written a book, so we need to concentrate on moooooog35…who did write a book.

And a damn funny one.

Now for the sake of my sanity when having to count six o’s when writing moooooog35, let’s call him by his real name, Rodney Lacroix…which is the same name listed on the book…so it works out really, really, really well.

In the midst of receiving an advanced copy of the book, (yeah that’s right people, I said “advanced.” I’m feeling really cool and hip right now. I read the book first…well, I’m sure after his publisher…and Rodney’s kids…his ex-wife, current girlfriend, the neighbors, his parents, a few cousins, his dentist, the mailman, the really nice grocery store clerk who should have retired in 1973 yet is still working…why is he still working? Just retire already, dude! The grocery store will run without you! The bananas will still get stocked!)

Sorry.

Anyway, in the midst of receiving an ADVANCED copy of the book, I had my own blog’s schedule to complete that week…which I was behind on, an article due for TMRZoo.com, a book I was involved in coming out, plus trying to invent a humorous card game with David Harding, and the Toddler asking me to make her chocolate milk and popcorn every five seconds while I was trying to write…

I know. I’m a busy guy.

And now…

I had this book to read…

That I couldn’t put down!

The book made me late on all those other projects, and it was well worth it, like being late to your kid’s kindergarten graduation because you had to look at one more 3 minute clip of midget lesbian porn. By the way, I love how cute they look in those little shiny leather/plastic/pleather dominatrix outfits they wear.

Now I’m friends with Rodney on Facebook, and he seems a rather fit, dapper, strapping man, (Did I just gay out there for a second? Noooooo! They call it bromancing now-a-days.) yet chapter one starts with a rather fat child who accidentally craps his pants after eating too much ex-lax before his first bicycle date. Rodney adds his own artwork and pictures throughout the book, which helps illustrate the skateboarding mishaps, the toboggan mishaps, and the Frankenstein mask story, but luckily he spares us the graphics on the bicycle poop story.

I know 3% of you sickos would not consider that lucky.

If you are a parent and need an excuse to buy this book, then the chapters on parenting are worth the price. I don’t know the price of the book, because remember yours truly got an ADVANCED copy, but even if it’s a hundred thousand dollars, go get a loan. Rodney hits it right on the head when it comes to child rearing, which is: it sucks unless you can mess with the little one’s heads a bit. My oldest daughter once complained that the AM station which was home to Radio Disney never came in very well and that I should fix it. I told her that we had to pay for AM stations, and since I didn’t have a CD player on the dashboard, I had nowhere to put the money in to pay.

To this day she has never let me forget it. I also told her once that raisins give you super powers….

I can never look at raisins the same again. In that last pack of Sun Maid raisins, I hope I didn’t actually eat my grandma, she was very fond of baths. After you read the book, this will be funnier.

More incentive to read it, in case laughing like a loon wasn’t enough, there are sections on dating, vasectomies, match.com, draw something game, Axe body spray, the local adult store, sex dice and manscaping.  Each section has one liner bits of wisdom and funny pictures sprinkled throughout, creating a really fun experience.

Here is the bottom line: This is one of those books that you could read all in one sitting, or pick up and put down at your whim. You can read it from chapter to chapter, or skip around. You can reread your favorite parts over and over. The book is hilarious and honest.

The only way you wouldn’t enjoy this book is if you don’t like to laugh…or can’t read…or if you accidentally dropped the book in molten lava because you told your kids to stay away from the molten lava and they didn’t listen, and you dropped your book while grabbing the shirt collar of the 10-year-old about to step off the cliff into a big pit of molten lava, because they couldn’t be bothered to pay attention to where they were going or your verbal warnings….

Then, yeah, you may not enjoy the book. But then again, if I were you…I wouldn’t live anywhere near molten lava, so I guess you live and learn, right?

Ways to get more Rodney:

Twitter: @moooooog35

Blog: http://www.midgetmanofsteel.com/

*jazz hands*

You can order the book in Hardcover and Kindle formats from:

 

 Amazon
Kindle

 Barnes & Noble

Dream A Little Dream

“I was dreaming when I wrote this, forgive me if it goes astray.” – Prince And The Revolution

Last night, I had a dream. It went like this:

I was walking through the dessert. It was a stereotypical dessert, with stereotypical dunes behind me, with a stereotypical line of camels in the far off distance.

Que a quick shot to the stereotypical desert sun, shimming in the heat, where it does that thing that looks like it’s rotating, but it’s not and it looks like sun rays are shooting down to the ground with those little sun bubble things floating around it.

So I am walking, and walking. My sneakers are falling apart and my shirt is soaked with sweat. I’m walking like a zombie, which is ironic to say the least. The tracks I’m leaving in the sand are zig zaggy. One clear shoe print is left on the right side of my path, and the left side looks like a snail trail..

Suddenly…from out of nowhere, which makes sense since I am stuck right dab in the middle of nowhere, fifty Arabs on forty-seven galloping horses go…well…galloping by. As they go…well…galloping by two of the Arabs grab me by either arm and lift me into the air. I am now suspended in mid-air, going the speed of gallop, and screaming,

“Help! Don’t drop me! Who are you guys?”

In the distance I see a rather large tent, with several smaller tents circling it. They weren’t actually circling the large tent like a wagon posse, they were more or less placed around the large tent.

It doesn’t take long for the distance to become the close up and the Arabs face plant me on a red carpet in front of the large tent. I wonder if it’s time for me to except my Oscar award.

Picking red carpet fibers from my teeth and rubbing the side of my swollen face, I turn to the Arabs that have just thrown me down.

“What the hell?!” I yell.

The Arabs just point to the tent and raise their moon shaped swords. They look very mean and cartoonish at the same time. One of the Arabs is holding a monkey and is giving it an Uncrustable to eat. (Remember this is a dream.)

I walk into the tent.

Immediately a very large Arab grabs me by the neck and forces me to my knees. (Not that kind of dream.) In front of me is several steps. The steps lead to a throne. The throne holds a rather fat, sour looking Arab with a crown on his head.

The large Arab with the death clutch on my neck says to me,

“This is King Ubedube. He has not laughed in over 40 years. We will kill you…unless you can make the King laugh. But I must warn you…no one has ever made the King laugh.”

“At least you gave me an easy task,” I reply and the large Arab sneers at me.

“Does the King like Twitter?” I ask.

“The King likes Twitter. You can follow him @KingUbedubeLovesBitches,” Neck Grab responds.

“In my pocket is my phone. On my phone is Twitter. Let me get my phone and read him some tweets.”

The large Arab smashes me down to the carpet (Sorry, still not that kind of dream.) and pulls out my phone.

“I will read your tweets to the King myself. If you so much as move, I will kill you.”

“OK!” I yell. “I get it!”

The Arab opens my Twitter and reads to the KIng:

“A horse walks into a bar, the bartender asks him why the long face…The horse unable to understand English shits on the floor and leaves.”

The King doesn’t move. He just stares at me.

“What does that even mean?” asks the large Arab holding my phone.

“Well, it’s kind of a twist to the old horse joke, ‘Horse – Why the long face?'” I respond.

The room is suddenly filled with Arabs who are just looking at me stoned-faced and angry.

“I didn’t write it,” I stammer. “I just copied it from somewhere…”

“What is so funny about a horse shitting on the floor?” sneers the King.

“Oh, hey you talk,” I smile.

The King just looks at me, one eyebrow raised, the other eyebrow holding a sword ready to throw at my face.

“Like I said,” I said. “It’s about the bar, and the horse walking into it… never mind! You’re right. It’s not funny. Try reading some different tweets. Maybe read some from people I follow. You’ll have to find at least one funny.”

So the large Arab reads all 3000 and something tweets of mine, plus some from others. The King does not crack one smile, not even the slightest lip curl.

“What now, stupid-funny-man?” asks death grip Arab. “You’re pretty much a dead man!”

I think for a moment.

“I know,” I knowingly say. “Read him my WordPress. Maybe something in there will make him laugh.”

“What is WordPress?” asks the King.

“It’s a blogging website…”

“No blogs!” screams the King.

“Wait, wait! I’m not the traditional blogger! I’m not really gifted with the written word. I just kind of throw stupid stuff out there and hope it’s spelled right. Please give it a try. There has to be something in there you might possibly like…”

The King sits back and crosses his arms.

“If there is one recipe in there…” the King says and makes a motion with his finger across his neck.

“I’m not going to lie,” I reply. “There are recipes, but they are fake funny recipes.”

“I will allow this,” says the King. “Read me the White Devil’s blog.”

The large Arab reads the King every single one of my blogs.

Every one.

The King does not laugh, smile, or even expel some gas. The King just sits at his throne and looks angry.

“I take it the King hated it.”

“I wouldn’t say hated it,” large Arab says. “He liked the zombie stories very much. He says you should write more zombie stories, less Arab dream stories.”

“He liked the zombie stories?” I sputter in disbelief. “Really?”

“Oh, yes. He would like to hear more zombie stories,” large Arab says with a smile.

“Wow! That’s great! So he is not going to have me killed?”

“No,” says large Arab as he runs a sword through my stomach. “You were suppose to make the King laugh, remember? Not scare the living crap out of him.”

And then I woke up and my wife had all the blankets.

A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To Posting This Morning

Ok, nothing really funny happened on the way to posting this morning. All I really did was check my email, and looked at message sent to me from AnyBeat.

If your unfamiliar with AnyBeat, it’s another Social Networking site that tries to be different by breaking things down into topics. Then you comment on the topic, and other people comment on the topic, and then it becomes pretty boring after AboutForty-five seconds. I think I made some comments on some music, the TV show True Blood, AndThat was AboutIt.

I checked it out AboutFive months ago, maybe logged on two or three times AndThen just kind of forgot AboutIt.

AboutOnce AMonth I’ll get the standard, “Hey, where are you? Come check us out, your AnyBeat friends miss you!” email. Until they sent me this:

This is not your father's Social Networking site.

I spit out all of my Coke Zero when I read this, I mean “Star Lotus”? Why would you name yourself that!

I certainly don’t want to be “difficult”. Thank god AnyBeat recommended I read this…I didn’t realize I was fixated on size. If AnyOne would like to talk openly AboutMy penis, I’m OK with that. Just don’t point AndLaugh is the only thing I ask…AtLeast while I’m in the room.

I don’t think I’ll probably will not be going back to AnyBeat AnyTime soon.

Switching gears:

I posted this joke…which I stole…on Twitter awhile back:

I couldn't find the tweet, but actually Facebook timeline made it quite easy to find, believe it or not...maybe it's not so bad after all. Pretend this is the Twitter version.

I know your still going to hate Timeline. It's OK. Facebook will come out with something else for you to hate soon I'm sure.

A Twitter robot sent me this:

I understand the dangers, but it was just a joke. Jeeezzz! I feel like I just got scolded by my mother for saying something insensitive about Uncle Harold's one, and only one dangling tooth.

Speaking of Timeline and Facebook, if you haven’t already, and your a fan of the show, check out Saturday Night Live’s page. They really used Timeline to it’s fullest potential by going back and plugging in the show’s events into the actual years they were happening…all the way back to the shows beginnings. It is really cool to explore. I randomly pulled up a date for you to see an example. (Despite my penis size I can be nice sometimes.)

Some SNL, somewhere around 1999

And finally, this was sent to me from a friend. This is from Amazon.com believe it or not:

Ladies, now you don't have to shop for a vibrator and a bed for your pet to watch you in, while you tickle the oyster. You can get them both in one convenient package...and it looks like it comes in matching colors. AND did you see it was on sale?

Plus you get this too!

I don't know what it is and it doesn't look as fun as the vibrator, but hey...it's included and pink as well.

Jonathon “Jasper” Johns Vs. Zombie On The Ferris Wheel

If you are unfamiliar with Jonathon “Jasper” Johns, he is a neighbor of mine, a zombie fanatic, and hates my blog. He lets me know that he hates my blog quite frequently.

You can catch some of his comments here:

Jonathon “Jasper” Johns Simplistic Review Of Zombie Swag

Johnathon “Jasper” Johns Guest Writes

Interview With Jonathon “Jasper” Johns

Well Jonathon hasn’t made an appearance in a while…until this Saturday. He knocked on my door and is accompanied by his lovely wife, and former 1959-1963 Playboy Bunny at the Playboy Club in Chicago, Baylee-Ann.

Me: Jasper, Baylee-Ann, what can I do for you?

Jasper: Chris, this is my wife, Baylee-Ann.

(Note: Jasper introduces me to his wife every time I have ever come in contact with both of them together.)

Me: Yes, Jasper. I know Baylee-Ann. We have met numerous times.

Baylee-Ann: Hi, Chris.

Jasper: Right, right.

(Silence)

Me: So, Jasper, which story did you not like this time?

Jasper: How did you know?

Me: Call it intuition. Let me guess…all of them.

Jasper: How did you know?

Baylee-Ann: Hi, Chris.

Me: Hi, Baylee-Ann.

Jasper: There is one in particular though, that really…really…I just can’t seem to wrap my noggin’ around it.

(Silence)

Me: Which one is it Jasper?

Jasper: Well…the one about the zombie and the Ferris Wheel…what’s it called? Zombie Goes Round And Round The Ferris Wheel?

Me: Something like that. (He is referring to this story: Zombie On The Ferris Wheel.) What’s wrong?

Jasper: Well, I got some questions.

Me: Go ahead.

Jasper: Ok….how did the zombie and the guy get on the Ferris Wheel?

Me: I don’t know.

Jasper: What do you mean you don’t know?

Me: I don’t know. That’s kind of the point. It gives it some mystery to the story. Your not suppose to know.

Baylee-Ann: Hi, Chris.

Jasper: But why would anyone put someone on a Ferris Wheel with a Zombie and chain them together? It doesn’t make any sense!

Me: I don’t know. Maybe the guy owed money to someone. Maybe he borrowed money from the mob, and this is the new way the mob deals with people who don’t pay them back…instead of a horse’s head in the bed, they put you on a Ferris Wheel with a Zombie!

Jasper: Horse’s head in the bed?

Me: Never mind that. Any other questions?

Jasper: Yes! Why doesn’t the man on the Ferris Wheel have a name?

Me: I don’t know. Doesn’t seem like he really needs a name. It’s just a short story.

Jasper: He needs a name. I’ve been thinking of names. I want you to name him: Ricky Dale.

Me: OK. His name is Ricky Dale.

Jasper: And I want you to go back and rewrite the story with the name, Ricky Dale in it. And I want you to give me a co-author title.

Baylee-Ann: Hi, Chris.

Me: Hi Baylee! How many times are you going to say Hi to me?

(Baylee-Ann shrugs.)

Me: Jasper, I’m not rewriting the story. And I’m not giving you a co-author credit.

Jasper: What? Didn’t we just agree the man’s name was Ricky Dale?

Me: Yes, I guess. More so just to please you, so I can get back to my life.

Jasper: So, the guy didn’t even have a name! Now he has a name! The story wasn’t complete until I just helped you name the guy! It’s so much better now. The story sucked until I named the guy.

Me: Did you really just say that to me?

Jasper: Chris, you can’t write Zombie stories. I’ve told you this…I have Facebooked you this….I have tweeted you this…I even wrote it on the back of your car in soap. Next time you write a Zombie story, call me first..please…so it doesn’t suck so bad.

Me: Are you done?

Jasper: Am I getting my byline?

Me: No, and your wife is too old to be out in public without a bra.

Baylee-Ann: Oh, thank you, Chris.

Me: Your welcome, Baylee-Ann. Bye Jasper.

Jasper: (Angry) Come on Baylee-Ann. Let’s go home and delete our WordPress bookmark!

Social Media Friday Pt 1

First up, a pinch of a typically non-funny social media web site: Google Plus. Hard to find the funny here, lots of tech talk going on…all the time.

If you don't get it, look at the graph and read the comment again.

A Dash of Tweets:

And a generous helping of Facebook:

Twitter Friday Pt 4

Twitter At It’s Finest. Enjoy:

Excuse me, I’m off to pretend to make the kids dinner now…

Twitter Friday Pt 3

The Best Of Twitter This Week. (Actually last week)

And As A Bonus This Week:

I changed this Ad from Facebook:

To this Ad: