Meanwhile Somewhere On The Internet Pt. 7

So that's what my wife is complaining about...we need a new stereo!

New meaning to the term "Holy Rollers"

Ha Ha! Spiders don't swim!

Ok Preggo Mom, Child-Molesting looking Dad...what are we missing? I know go get the tire from mustang!

Babysitting A Dog

Not a dog person.

Not a cat person, hamster person, ferret, rabbit, unicorn, or snake person….

If it has the potential to poop in the house it’s not for me.

We do have a dog. It took a lot of begging from the wife and kids to change my mind on getting a dog, and the fact that they picked out a dog at the pet store, surrounded me with every shop patron and worker in the place, and asked me with those big doughy Disney-puppy-dog-tearing-up-get-us-this-dog-or-we-will-die-and-haunt-you-for-the-rest-of-your-life eyes, causing me to give in…or be run out of town like Frankenstein from the villagers with torch in hand. Worst part of it all, I had to shell out $600 on the spot for the little carpet pooper.

All in all not a good day, but the dog and I have come to terms with each other. I don’t pet, feed, water, or play with it, and it does not poop or pee on my carpet.

Deal.

So my wife, in all of her dog-loving glory, offers to babysit her friends dog while she goes out of town for three days.

Great.

The dog is dropped off. And the fun begins.

The two dogs run up the stairs…thump, bump, bumpity, bumpity, thump.

The two dogs run down the stairs…thump, bump, bumpity, bumpity, thump.

The two dogs run up the stairs…thump, bump, bumpity, bumpity, thump.

The two dogs run down the stairs…thump, bump, bumpity, bumpity, thump.

Then the dog walks into the living and pees on the carpet.

The dog broke rule number one. No peeing or pooping on the carpet from neither man nor beast. I told my wife the next time we are at a stranger’s house, I’m pulling out my tally whacker and taking a piss right on their carpet.

“Oh, what a lovely home you have. Is that new carpet?” (Insert dramatic unzipping noise, cue camera shot from behind and arched pee stream.)

My wife sighs and cleans it up.

I held my temper. I understand the dog is in a new environment with strangers, 4 of them being children…

Next the dog looks at me and starts whining. To make a long story short on the whining, it doesn’t stop for three days.

On day 2, the dog throws up in her crate and has diarrhea on the carpet, 16 more hours of whining are also awaiting me.

Our dog doesn’t bark a lot, which is great. This dog is one of those that barks at every little noise. Every time someone knocks on the door I get a little mini heart attack treat because this dog feels the need to run and bark at the door. Guess what dog? The door is not for you!

To matters worse, the dog keeps eating the toddler’s stuff animals. There is bits of stuffing and fake fur everywhere.

“If it’s on the floor, the dog will think it’s fair game,” my wife tells me as my youngest daughter is holding a stuffed dog head in one hand and a stuffing-less deflated dog body in the other.

The toddler quickly recovers from any toy mutilations from the dog, because she herself, like her mother, and everyone in the world, but me, is also a dog lover.

“How cute, the dog just threw up. How cute, the dog ate a 70 dollar pair of shoes. How cute that rottweiler ate that kids face off.”

Not for me.

I will say babysitting this dog did give me a good appreciation for my dog.

Bad dog. Identity concealed for it's own protection.

Good dog with toddler. I drew clothes on the toddler as she was nakey.

Meanwhile Somewhere On The Internet – Typography Art

Meanwhile Somewhere On The Internet Pt 6

It looks like a book store.....soooooo.....a sign like this is definitely needed???

 

My favorite actor and drink all rolled into one. Easy Reader take that!

 

If I was rich I would so have this!

 

First guy lost the coin toss....

Good Price vs. Good Service

It seems you have two options anymore when dealing with retail:

Really Good Price

or

Really Good Service

And the two shall not meet.

For example, I have been shopping for a starfish to add to my aquarium. They are anywhere between $10 to $50 depending on size and breed. Not a major expense, but still something you should shop around for and I needed some advice on feeding and caring. I have two choices: the nationwide pet chain PetCo or the independent World Wide Corals.

Guess which is cheaper?

Of course, PetCo.

So first stop: PetCo.

Been to PetCo many times, it’s your standard dog toy, cat toy, 40 smelly hamsters in an aquarium, 3 rows of fish-tank-tiki-god-head-decoration shelf storage, big old biting bird on display, average pet store. The fish section is in the middle of the store with fresh water fish on one side and salt water fish on the other side, and of course, not a fish worker in site.

While hoping for some help, I grabbed some replacement cartridges for my tank’s filtration system.

I looked around the fish area to see if anyone had shown up. Nope.

I then looked at some fan thingys that help the tank’s water circulate like the ocean. They are really expensive, so just looking today. Mine broke, but it’s either feed the kids or circulate 40 gallons of water. (Stupid kids and their need to eat. What about my needs? I need to circulate water!)

Then I looked around the fish area to see if anyone had shown up. Still nope.

They had two tanks of different kinds of starfish, so I went over to look at them. One said it was reef safe and one said it was not. We are hoping to grow corals, so the none reef safe starfish are out. They were some ugly things anyway. Chocolate Chip starfish is what they were called, they looked more like Herpes Simplex 2 starfish. The reef safe ones were dinky little tiny red starfish. They were $12. Not bad. There was about 5 of them at the bottom of the tank with their legs in the air, like they had little starfish boners. They kind of looked dead.

I looked around once more in the fish area to see if anyone had shown up. Survey says: no.

Suddenly, a guy shows up carrying that classic little green fish net. He went to retrieve a dead clown fish from the tank above me. The poor fish had gotten stuck in the filter, probably by accident. He was probably trying to show of his acting skills in recreating a one fish version of Finding Nemo. (Own it today before it goes back into the Disney vault!)

My wife says to the guy, “How much for the dead one?”

He coolly replies, “Huh, what? Ugh….”

Seeing that the guy has completely missed the joke, my wife then says, “We are thinking about getting a starfish, but were curious as to what they eat?”

Then ever so helpful fish expert says, “Um, starfish food. It’s over there.”

He leaves. Well, he not so much leaves as disappears in a puff of smoke.

One important note: When he says, “Um, starfish food. It’s over there”; he never points in any direction. We are in the middle of the store, so there could be 12 different possible compass points of “over there.”

So, we wonder to a shelf that has many types of fish food, some flaky, some tablet like, some shrimp enhanced, some liquidity, some in big bottles, some in small containers, none that say starfish food…or could be feed to starfish in addition to other fish…or have a picture of a starfish on the package.

“What do you want to do?” my wife asks.

“Do you have any flares?” I ask.

“Let’s go to World Wide Corals and ask them,” she suggests. “Even if they don’t sell starfish, they might know what they eat.”

5 short miles later we are at  World Of Coral.

As soon as we open the door, a guy greets us, “Hello, welcome. Have you ever been here before?”

“Why yes we have,” I say but in my head I’m thinking; “Someone has acknowledged my existence and it’s only been like 2 seconds.”

The guy hands us a sale flyer and asks us if we have any questions or are we looking for something in particular….

I just can’t believe someone cares enough to try to sell me something.

“Do you sell starfish,” my wife asks.

The guy says they do, but we should talk to Dave, (I don’t remember the name he actually said, but I think a Dave might work in a fish store.) he was their fish expert.

“These guys have a fish expert,” I say to my wife.

The guy then does something strange, he shows us who Dave is, which made it much easier than randomly asking the dozen or so people in the place if they were Dave.

Dave answered all of our questions, even the stupid ones, helped us research prices on a hood light, told us how to prime the water for corals, and showed us where everything was that we needed in the store.

My starfish cost $23, which is more than I wanted to spend, but he is much bigger than anything PetCo offered. Also we found out the starfish just eat whatever, they are scavengers like my teenagers.

Sadly, this is what the retail world has come to…price or service.

Every week I debate:

Do I want to shop at Walmart – long lines, crowded aisles,  palettes of food that need stocked everywhere, cheap prices, 50 registers/3 cashiers…

Or

Do I want to shop at Publix Grocery Store – wide aisles, stocked shelves, fast cashiers, a grocery bagger, fresh sushi, expensive prices, samples…

I’m a family of six. Some weeks money is tight. Walmart usually wins, but it’s not because I enjoy it, it’s because I can afford it. I will tell you one thing though, they may get my grocery dollar, but I am in and out of the store fast. If they improved their service just a tiny bit, I maybe more likely to browse and buy more, instead of just the bare essentials.

Whatever.

Here’s my starfish:

Meanwhile Somewhere On The Internet Pt 5

Meanwhile Somewhere On The Internet Pt 5

What are you guys trying to say? Tried of me stealing your WiFi?

 

I get it...because it's on a post.

 

Can't afford an Apple Computer? Make your own.

 

Oh crap! I have a mouth and a throat!

Meanwhile Somewhere On The Internet Pt 4

My favorite book of all time. I've read it 4 times.

This pizza is dry. Oh crap, I didn't read the instructions. No wonder!

Who doesn't like free things?

Honey, why are we always out of post-it notes?

St Augustine Coupons

Two quick facts:

1) I love St Augustine. It’s a great coastal town that does not look like every other coastal town in Florida. The people are extremely nice. The prices of the attractions are reasonable and there is a lot to do.

2) I live in a tourist town myself, Orlando Florida.

OK, that being said, whenever I  go on a vacation, either mini or maxi, I always grab a coupon book, and poke some fun at it. It’s a great time killer during lull periods and making fun of things is kind of my hobby.

This first ad is for a $1.00 off the Ximenez-Fatio House. You can tour an elegant 1830’s boarding house.

I can’t imagine this a very exciting tour:
“OK folks on your right of the hallway we have a boarding room, and if you look to the left you will see another boarding room. Further down we have some boarding rooms…Don’t forget for a couple of bucks more you will be able to see the second floor boarding rooms… “

Beerhammer’s the Beer Gear Store will give you a free beer book with a $20 purchase. The perfect gift for your alcoholic friends.

“I know you like beer, so I got you this book on beer. You can’t drink it, but if you run out of beer, you can lick the pages and pretend you have beer. ”

Here is a great picture of a super scared kid blowing a party favor for Adventure Landing.

“Blow that party favor kid, or we kill your dog!”

We went to Adventure Landing, which is a sort of local Chuck-E-Cheese’s with the video games that spit out tickets so you can trade them in for prizes. I wanted to win this giant Spider-Man sitting on a ball.

But I was told that’s two separate prizes. I think it cost somewhere in the ball park of 50 million tickets. Needless to say I was a little disappointed.

Next up: Ride the big smiley face of death at Smile High Parasail.

Company motto: Die with a smile on your face!

These are the best companies – charge people for what they can do for free.

So I can either walk to all these bars for free, or I can pay you to walk with me,and tell me a little weird story about them…hmmm…decisions, decisions. No offense, but I can probably make-up a better story for myself.

Free pocket knife with coupon at the Knife Factory.

(Read in a redneck voice.) “Son, I am so proud this day has come. Your first free pocket knife…” (tears…small choking sound) “I am so proud of my 4-year-old right now!” (wipes face with union jack hanky)

I thought this was a wax museum dedicated to Harry Potter, but I don’t remember Michael Jordan or Elvis in any of the Harry Potter movies, so I think this might be a scam. (It’s not a scam, I am wrong…with apologies to the Potter Wax Museum. Apparently this is the same wax museum that the figures come to life when no one is looking and kills people. What? I am wrong again?)

Finally a little something for Mommy:

I was wondering why she sent us to see the Castillo de San Marcos fort by ourselves. Something about Mommy time?

Seriously, I do recommend St Augustine, Florida for a nice get away. And grab a coupon book, not only will it provide minutes of entertainment…you might save a buck or two.

Meanwhile Somewhere On The Internet – Darth Vader Edition

Vader falls on hard times.

Vader As A Boy Being Told, "No more Chicken Nuggets for you!" Also Mom should have sprung for a PSP instead of the used Game Boy Color.

College Boy Vader getting into trouble again. I always thought he would be a boxer-brief kind of guy.

With today's gas prices, very smart Mr Vader. That thing gets like 70 miles to the gallon, 80 without all the armor.

Meanwhile Somewhere On The Internet Pt 3

I think this sign was meant for me

And this sign was meant for Tenagers

Does whatever a Spider-Can Can...

These two took all day to get their photo.