The Formula’s Of Life

Math equations and formulas run our daily lives, whether we realize it or not. Subconsciously your brain is constantly at work producing algebraic ways of dealing with life’s little and grand problems. You don’t know you’re doing it, your brain just does it.

If you’re a man, you’re in constant indecision and need these formulas to balance every day tasks.

Here are some situations where these formulas come into play:

(And you thought Algebra was a waste of time!)

    When Asking For A Tool You Can’t Remember The Name Of:
The Formula:

Size + Airplane Part + Bolt/Screw Name + Tool Type

Example:

1 & ¼ Wing Screw Ratchet or 9mm Propeller Nut Wrench

 

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     When Having A Secret Ingredient In A Recipe:

The Formula:

Any Country Or People + Adjective + Color + Vegetable or Fruit.
Example:

Japanese Sweet Purple Asparagus or Australian Sour Blue Pineapples

 

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   When Naming Your Own Microbrew:
The Formula:

Any City Or Place + Animal Body Part  + Type Of Beer.
Example:

West Side Bear Claw Pale Ale or New York Platypus Foot Amber

 

—–

 

  When Nick-Naming A Famous Sports Play:
The Formula:

Determiner + Adjective + A Last Name + “ski” + Sports Action
Example:

The Great Buddowski Slap or The Big Smithski Pass

 

—–

 

 When Naming An Elderly Dog:
The Formula:

Adjective + Old – “D” + Color (except rule: can be a southern stereotype)
Example:

Big Ol’ Blue or Great Ol’ Yella

 

—–

 

 For Picking Out A Porn To Watch:
The Formula:

(Boobs * X) / (Penis * Y) = Time Before Turning Off

 

—–

 

 For Buying A Car:

The Formula:

Cool Factor/(Mpg) > Price – Free Floor Mats

 

—–

 

 Determining When To Quit Playing A Video Game:
The Formula:

x/number of kills * <10 year old or > 45 year old = When To Throw The Controller Through The TV

 

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 Should You Take A Chick Home From The Bar:
The Formula:

Number of Drinks + Last Call/How Many Times She Laughs At Your Jokes – The Number Of Times She Touches Your Leg Or Arm = Is There Anyone Else Left In The Bar/ Her Weight

 

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 When To Ask For Directions From A Stranger:
The Formula:

Are You Lost * Wife (Girlfriend) In The Car = Over My Dead Body You’ll Ask For Directions – Act Like A Man Damnit!

Dinner With The Angry Family

YOU BURNT THE ROAST AGAIN! THIS IS THE SIMPLEST DISH IN THE WORLD TO MAKE…THROW IT IN THE CROCK POT, PRESS A BUTTON, AND YOUR DONE! HOW DO YOU MANAGE TO BURN IT EVERY TIME?!

IF YOUR SUCH A MASTER CHEF, MR. BALD-GORDON-RAMSEY, THEN YOU COOK DINNER!

I WOULD STILL HAVE MY HAIR IF I WASN’T MARRIED TO YOU!

CAN’T WE, FOR ONCE, HAVE A PLEASANT MEAL WITHOUT ALL THE FIGHTING?!

I JUST WANT TO EAT MY PEAS IN PEACE!

CAN SOMEONE FEED THE BABY, PLEASE?!

WHY ARE YOU PEOPLE SO SELFISH?! MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DUMPED ME AND YOU PEOPLE CARE ABOUT IS SOME CHEAP BURNT MEAT?!

DID YOU SAY YOUR GIRLFRIEND DUMPED YOU?! ARE YOU SAYING YOU’RE A LESBIAN?!

DON’T YOU DARE SAY THAT MEAT IS CHEAP! 

ARE YOU LISTENING?! OUR DAUGHTER IS A LESBIAN!

WHY DON’T YOU REALIZE HOW HOT THAT IS DAD?!

WHY CAN’T YOU PEOPLE EXCEPT ME FOR WHO I AM?!

CAN SOMEONE FEED THE BABY, PLEASE?!

WOOF!

MEOW!

If one of you don’t mind…can somebody change my litter please? It’s been like four months…

I’M GOING TO EAT THE HAMSTER IF SOMEONE DOESN’T FEED ME SOON!

*gulp*

And scene.

PSA – What Dogs Can Not Digest

The Back Story:

The Teenager comes home from school and says that his science teacher told the class today that if you put a raisin in water, after a day or so, it will turn back into a grape.

Makes sense, no big shocker…a raisin is a dried up grape, so put it in water to reconstitute… OK, must have been a slow school day.

But I wanted to know how well it would reconstitute. So when we went to dinner that night we stole a couple of raisins off the salad bar (and for some reason the Teenager also took one rice puff) and stuck them in a glass of water. Sure ’nuff after a day or so, we had a rather pathetic looking, ugly, grapish-looking reconstituted raisin. (And a soggy rice puff.) It looked like the world’s biggest booger. (The raisin, not the rice puff.) I dumped them down the disposal.

It looked so gross, I thought it would be funny to post this little experiment on Facebook/Twitter but tell everyone I fed the results to the dog…because in my mind giving random things to the dog to eat is funny. We don’t give random things to the dog to eat, but if we did, the dog would eat it…being a dog and all.

I thought it was funny. You know who didn’t think it was funny? People who like dogs. Apparently raisins and grapes are bad for dogs. I didn’t know. I only feed the dog dog food because I don’t want it begging for food every time I eat, so I never worried about what it could eat or not eat.

My responses:

Unfortunately, my friends are too smart to take the chocolate feeding to the dog as real, and I didn’t proof read that comment: It should be fed not feed.

My super dog loving friend Mary shares my post to her friends as a word of caution.

Different audience, so the chocolate joke was reusable…and maybe Mary’s friends can look up that I live in Florida and that would explain the bad grammar.

So here is my Public Service Announcement to help the dog community.

A List Of Things A Dog Cannot Digest:

Alcoholic Beverages

Avocado

Chicken/Fish Bones

The Show: Jersey Shore

Cat Food

Anything With Caffeine

Any Music By Kesha or Nickelback

Citrus Oil

Fat Trimmings

Those Costumes They Make For Dogs At Halloween

Fish

Grapes/Raisins

Macadamia Nuts

Marijuana

Religious Debators

The Wiggles

Dairy

Mushrooms

Lindsey Lohan

Onions

String

Most Things British People Eat

Salt

Tobacco

Your welcome Dog Community.

Babysitting A Dog

Not a dog person.

Not a cat person, hamster person, ferret, rabbit, unicorn, or snake person….

If it has the potential to poop in the house it’s not for me.

We do have a dog. It took a lot of begging from the wife and kids to change my mind on getting a dog, and the fact that they picked out a dog at the pet store, surrounded me with every shop patron and worker in the place, and asked me with those big doughy Disney-puppy-dog-tearing-up-get-us-this-dog-or-we-will-die-and-haunt-you-for-the-rest-of-your-life eyes, causing me to give in…or be run out of town like Frankenstein from the villagers with torch in hand. Worst part of it all, I had to shell out $600 on the spot for the little carpet pooper.

All in all not a good day, but the dog and I have come to terms with each other. I don’t pet, feed, water, or play with it, and it does not poop or pee on my carpet.

Deal.

So my wife, in all of her dog-loving glory, offers to babysit her friends dog while she goes out of town for three days.

Great.

The dog is dropped off. And the fun begins.

The two dogs run up the stairs…thump, bump, bumpity, bumpity, thump.

The two dogs run down the stairs…thump, bump, bumpity, bumpity, thump.

The two dogs run up the stairs…thump, bump, bumpity, bumpity, thump.

The two dogs run down the stairs…thump, bump, bumpity, bumpity, thump.

Then the dog walks into the living and pees on the carpet.

The dog broke rule number one. No peeing or pooping on the carpet from neither man nor beast. I told my wife the next time we are at a stranger’s house, I’m pulling out my tally whacker and taking a piss right on their carpet.

“Oh, what a lovely home you have. Is that new carpet?” (Insert dramatic unzipping noise, cue camera shot from behind and arched pee stream.)

My wife sighs and cleans it up.

I held my temper. I understand the dog is in a new environment with strangers, 4 of them being children…

Next the dog looks at me and starts whining. To make a long story short on the whining, it doesn’t stop for three days.

On day 2, the dog throws up in her crate and has diarrhea on the carpet, 16 more hours of whining are also awaiting me.

Our dog doesn’t bark a lot, which is great. This dog is one of those that barks at every little noise. Every time someone knocks on the door I get a little mini heart attack treat because this dog feels the need to run and bark at the door. Guess what dog? The door is not for you!

To matters worse, the dog keeps eating the toddler’s stuff animals. There is bits of stuffing and fake fur everywhere.

“If it’s on the floor, the dog will think it’s fair game,” my wife tells me as my youngest daughter is holding a stuffed dog head in one hand and a stuffing-less deflated dog body in the other.

The toddler quickly recovers from any toy mutilations from the dog, because she herself, like her mother, and everyone in the world, but me, is also a dog lover.

“How cute, the dog just threw up. How cute, the dog ate a 70 dollar pair of shoes. How cute that rottweiler ate that kids face off.”

Not for me.

I will say babysitting this dog did give me a good appreciation for my dog.

Bad dog. Identity concealed for it's own protection.

Good dog with toddler. I drew clothes on the toddler as she was nakey.