Meanwhile Somewhere On The Internet – Christmas Edition

Happy Holidays!

Because you have been extra good this year:

Meanwhile Somewhere On The Internet Pt 20

At least you stopped by...thanks.

One more roll and we have a threesome!

Explains why I can't ever find a place to sit in this town.

Ahh, the age of innocence....

Things I Experienced As A Child, My Children Will Not Pt 2

Things I experienced as a child, my children will not Pt 2

You can read part one here.

Beepers – Before everyone had cell phones, if you wanted to get a hold of someone you had to Beep them, and that doesn’t mean taking your fingers and honking their nose. Beeping consisted of calling their Beeper number (which they had in addition to their regular home phone number) with a regular telephone. Then a little square box that they would wear on their belt would make several loud beeping noises and display your number in a small window. The person being beeped would then look at the number thoughtfully and have to find a telephone to use. If you wanted to look pretentious or uber important, you would have a friend randomly beep you in social situations, so you could excuse yourself to make a fake phone call.

LaserDisks – These played movies and looked like DVDs, but were the size of your head. Despite their size the movie was encoded on both sides of the disk. This meant in the middle of the movie you had to flip it over. I had a rich friend who had close to a hundred movies on LaserDisk, but because the disks and case were so large, he stored them on the floor in large stacks. His entertainment room looked like a garage sale of giant flat disco balls.

Typewriter – Microsoft Word replaced this with the ability to easily erase sentences, save your work, store your thoughts, and not get typewriter ribbon ink all over yourself. I was clumsy as well and tended to miss the keys and pinch my fingers in the large spaces between them. One nice thing the typewriter did was make a large dinging noise every time you got to the edge of the paper. You then had the option to type on the roller of the machine, or push the roller back over to start the next line. If you don’t know what I am talking about, go rent any movie from the 1940’s. I guarantee there is at least two scenes of a room full of newspaper reporters typing away frantically.

Polaroid Camera – Before the Polaroid camera, you would take a picture, the camera would store the picture on a film cartridge, and then you would take it to the store to get developed. After about a week, you would go back to the store, pick up your pictures, and be disappointed about how bad they were. With the Polaroid camera you could instantly be disappointed, because the picture spit out of the bottom of the camera after you took it. Once the picture was ejected you would either have to shake the picture to see it (earlier models), or just sit and wait. The best part of the Polaroid picture? They were easily ruined by heat, water, air, looking at them wrong, or storing them. If you wanted a keepsake photo, Polaroid was not the way to go.

Fold Out Maps – Before the GPS, if you didn’t know where you were going, you had a paper map. The paper map was stored in a nice origami sized square, with which once you opened it, only Grandpa could get it back to the original fold. The map was filled with different colored lines that represented different streets, highways, biways, and toll roads. It unfolded to the size of a wall poster, so if you were lost at the moment you needed the map, your options were to:

A) Stop your car. Get out of your car. Unfold the map on the hood of your car. Not be able to make heads or tails of the map. Go ask a stranger.

or

B) Unfold the map while driving. Block your view of the road and/or not pay attention to the road as you try to figure out the map. Not be able to make heads or tails of the map. Go ask a stranger.

Yellow Pages/Dictionaries/Encyclopedias – All of these were gigantic reference books, some times with multiple volumes, that sat on a shelf somewhere, collecting dust, until the rare occasion some one needed them. With the Encyclopedia you had one volume (sometimes two) for every letter of the alphabet. All of these were replaced by web pages on the internet. Book shelf sales have gone down since.

Meanwhile Somewhere On The Internet Pt 19

If I hear that Last Christmas I gave you my heart song again, I’m going to punch a non-union elf! Happy Friday!

Here, I thought only unicorns pissed rainbows!

In this day and age, and some parts of the country are still racists towards elephants.

What they don't tell you is that Bubbles is a 400 pound guy with a clapping fetish.

5 year olds everywhere just pee'd there pants in joy.

Meanwhile Somewhere On The Internet Pt 18

Guess what I saw today?

Everything I looked at.

 

This is me in 40 years...wait this is me now too!

 

I bet you could...with a little Ranch dressing...

 

See being on TV doesn’t always pay the bills, especially when your on PBS.

I always knew you should read those things!

Randoms Pt 7

Toddler: Rafael went to the centipedes
Wife: The where?
Toddler: The centipedes.
Wife: Where?
Toddler: The centipedes, it where his grandma lives!
Wife: Oh, the Philippines.
Toddler:That’s what I said!

I can be such an ass sometimes!

Relationship Analogy:

Funny is to Girlfriend as Unfunny is to Wife

or

Funny is to Unfunny as Girlfriend is to Wife

I can’t decide which one I like better.

———————————————————————————

I think the Batman villains need an update. The Riddler, The Penguin, and Mr Freeze were good for the 50’s, but today I think they should be more relevant.Here are a few of my suggestions:

The Multi-Tasker – Able to successfully organize multiple crimes and maintain a household at the same time. 

The Facebook Status Hijacker – Will take over your Facebook and posts things like: “I’m gay!” or for gay people: “I’m straight!”

Identity-Theft Man – Mostly buys those “As Seen On TV” products with your credit cards. Sells them on EBay. Batman once found his credit card statement to be filled with camouflaged snuggies and miracle potato peelers. 

The X (The Ex) – Scorned by lovers everywhere, she’ll date you, even marry you. Then she will dump you and make your life a living hell. 

Best Of The Black Friday Ads 2011

Black Friday has come and gone once again. After 4 hours of standing line, and after the arguing and rioting got boring to watch, I kept myself amused by perusing the Black Friday ads.

 

This scary dinosaur attacks, dances, speaks, and does Quality Assurance all while holding a dead fish.

This is the type of present the guys of the TV show Jackass get their kids. With each inflatable Bongo Ball sold you get a free gift card to the emergency room of your choice.

Look at how happy those three kids are as they race to that one seat toy car. Let the Christmas fighting begin.

 

This store has babies for sale between 4am and 1pm....at 60% off. That is a way better deal then the underground illegal baby market.

 

Women posing in underwear love to touch their hair.

Donut Maker, Waffle Maker, Ice Cream Maker, Muffin Maker...all sound fun in the ad, but once you get it home, you only use it twice...then re-gift it.

 

I think there is suppose to be camouflaged recliners in this ad, but I can't see them.

This ad was in many flyers. As you can see the kids are bored with coloring the thing, leaving Mom to finish the roof.

 

This seems to be a gun that you balance your $400 iphone in and then play some sort of shooting app. Sounds safe. Does Apple offer insurance on their phones yet?

My prediction...hottest gift of the year.

Meanwhile Somewhere On The Internet Pt 17

Happy Black Friday…or is it…Happy African American Friday…

Surprise! Heart Attack!

I'm aware of the fact that I don't like you right now!

He never knew if he was coming or going.

I like how the Harry Potter villains choose pirate language for their Facebooking preference.

Meanwhile Somewhere On The Internet Pt 16

Unintentional Car Theme This Week

Still doesn't know where they are going.

 

If your driving and it starts to get dark, do you have to pull over and click on the flashlights?

 

Living in Canada must be so fun! You know, snow, moose, and Mounties...

 

That's great, but what about those ketchup/mayonnaise people?

Meanwhile Somewhere On The Internet Pt 15

Lowercase letters: just like uppercase letters, but without the drama. Happy Friday.

Not a football fan, but I would watch this!

 

Really cool, until you try to put it in your pocket.

 

Hopefully you have a good HMO!

 

Even Hulk Hogan's mustache is a fan of Hulk Hogan.