Questions For Guadeloupe

I work with this lovely young woman named Guadeloupe. Whenever I run into her, I like to ask her a random questions. When I do this, she always stops, looks at me funny, and says,

“You ask the weirdest questions!”

Then she thinks a moment, and answers my question!

It’s hilarious.

(Sometimes the questions spark debate amoungst other coworkers. That’s even more hilarious!)

Here are some of the questions I have asked of her:

If you were reincarnated, would you rather come back as a bowl or a plate?

Would you like to star in your own novel about horses?

Which is larger…sliced bread or toast? Remember this could be a trick question!

Do you think candlelight is more romantic at 8 o’clock or 8:15?

If you were stuck watching one TV show for the rest of your life, you would rather watch a show about camels or dwarfs? You must pick one. And why?

Which spice would be the toughest in a fight, cayenne or curry?

If it’s true that the Freaks come out at night, what do you think they do in the day? Besides sleep?

Do you think that Hakuna Matata did indeed become a passing craze?

Would you bail the Easter Bunny out of a jail if he asked you too? How about his cousin?

Which finger would be cooler to have a cell phone implanted into too…the pointer or the pinkie?

If you were stuck in the middle of the ocean, with no food or water, on a raft made of Cheez-it crackers, would you be tempted to eat it?

If you lived in an animated world,  would  you feel handicapped by the fact you now have only four fingers instead of five? What if you had yellow skin?

If ponies ruled the world, do think oats and barley would be as popular as Italian food?

If penguins and ostriches went to High School together, do you think they would make fun of each other?

Thank you, Guadeloupe for always being a good sport.

A Poll(e)

Curious…

If Taylor Swift Wrote About Real Life

McDonald’s Story

Standing in line waiting to order a burger

Your register girl is slow like a tumor

She doesn’t even know what a number 2 combo is

A number 2 is

The next thing I know

A wet floor cone is on the floor

I see no spill

So I walk around it

Walk around it

Chorus 1:

I ordered a 10 piece

You gave me 9 pieces

Where’s my Bar-B-Que?

It doesn’t look like the picture

Is this even real cheese?

This is my McDonald’s story

 

I look at the fry carton, it’s only half full

Just ’cause I’m skinny

Doesn’t mean I don’t like french fries

I like french fries

The drive through is backed up

People are screaming

Problem is the manager is only 14

He is only 14

Chorus 2:

I ordered a 10 piece

You gave me 9 pieces

I ordered a milkshake

You gave me a smoothie

Ronald kind of scares me

This is my McDonald’s story

 

 

 

Long Awkward Pause – A New Adventure In Blogging

In lieu of reblog Thursday, I have some exciting news.

I’m announcing the birth of a new, exciting, epic, original, ingenious, bold, spicy, operatic, collaborative masterpiece:

Long Awkward Pause!

What is Long Awkward Pause you may ask…and even if you didn’t ask, you may ask after you recover from your excitement over this announcement.

(I will wait until you pick yourself up off the floor, dust your pants off, and compose yourself thus-ly.)

Long Awkward Pause is a humor magazine collaboration between myself, Blurt, B.L.O.G., Monk Monkey, and Ramblings Of An Apathetic Adult Baby. We will take reader submitted topics  and write about them either once or twice a month depending on schedule, earth rotation, Chick-fil-a openings, births, deaths, oil changes, and other such hazards of the blog world.

I’m really excited to work with these guys, and I hope you’ll be just as excited to read our stuff. And if your not excited, at least tell your friends how not excited you are about this site, and how they should check it out for themselves.

You can view  the site, here. Don’t forget to follow, pretty please. Currently the site is just featuring reblogs of us, the actual first post will be on or around Aug. 2nd. It’s a topic submitted by Jo Ellen of Two On A Rant and it’s a tasty one. Feel free to fill out the form on the about page and suggest your own musings.

For everyone who follows, you will receive one free email notification!

Emptying The Drafts Folder

I know it’s hard to believe that some ideas on this blog stay in the drafts folder.

It may look like I hit publish on everything I write regardless of:

content

quality

comedic value

or grammatical errors…

…but truth be told, I do reject some ideas that don’t seem to be going anywhere.

Not all ideas that don’t seem to be going anywhere, mind you…just some.

So, for your viewing pleasure, here are some of the posts that never made it to the light of the internet:

Obviously written around Christmas time. The Batman part came easy due to the parody song…but then…no other Super Heroes have Christmas parody songs! What’s up with that? Who decided that only Batman was going to get a Christmas parody song and no one else?! What about Spider-man? Doesn’t he deserve a Christmas parody song? I think he does…mostly becaise I could have finished more of this post if he did:

In Line At A Target With Super Heroes And Villains, After Christmas

Hello! This is Bob Mathewson from Channel 28 News. Today we are at the local Target where the Super Heroes and Super Villains of the world are in line to return some their Christmas presents.

So let’s work our way through the line and see if we can get any of them to show us what they are returning and why.

First I see Batman and it’s quite obvious what he is returning. Batman has a whole shopping cart filled with deodorants, in all shapes, sizes, and brands. Batman do you care to comment on why you’re returning all of these deodorants?

Batman: Frankly, yes! Yes I would! It’s just a parody song, people! Just a stupid take on Jingle Bells! I don’t smell! You don’t think with all of the super cool gadgets that Morgan Freeman invented for me, that he didn’t think of a built in roll on deodorant for the bat suit? Come on, people! Use your heads! Every freaking year! It’s not funny anymore!

Mathewson: I see where that would get old, yes. I see your young ward, Robin is behind you pushing a shopping cart filled with throat lozenges…

Batman: Also not funny. I need to disguise my voice people! You don’t need to know who I am! And if you are going to send me throat lozenges…ha ha…not! I don’t like cherry!

Mathewson: Fair enough. Moving on. Oh look, it’s Spider-Man. Spider-Man, what are you returning today?

Spider-Man:

—–

This one had potential to keep going, but I think the joke would have gotten old way before the post wrapped up. Plus with the last business listed, it was going places it probably should not be going:

Bad Business Combinations

Strip Club/Karaoke Bar

Tax Preperation Service/Funeral Home

Fish Market/Gynecologist

—–

This is a prime example of the premise being way funnier then any execution. I think this would have been one long post of puns that very quickly would have become predictable:

Trying To Get Directions On The Worst Named Streets Ever

“Um, excuse me…do you know how to get to Boner Lane?”

“It’s pronounced Booner Lane.”

—–

This one was funnier in my head. You know the Christmas song, ‘Hark! The Herald Angels Sing’? I pictured a bunch of Angels running around singing the word, Hark! Only the word, Hark! Picture it. It’s funny, but it does not translate to paper:

Hark!

…the herald angels sing …

Hark!

Hark!

—–

This is truth written right here. I didn’t finish this post because I didn’t want to sound like a gigantic bah-humbug. I just think we can do better in this celebration song:

The Most Uncomfortable Song In The World

I now submit to you, the most uncomfortable song in the world, unless you are under the age of eight:

Happy Birthday

I think as a nation, we need a new Birthday song. No one truly likes this song. The next time you sing this song to a stranger or loved one, look at their face.

Are they enjoying it?

No, their face is all scrunched up, in a fake, tight-lipped, forced smile, pretending to enjoy this pre-blow-out-the-candles-and-finally-eat-some-damn-cake tradition.

And the song itself so repetitive. Who wrote this thing?

“OK, OK, so far all I got is: Happy Birthday to you…what should be the next line? Wait I got it, I’ll just keep repeating that, and then say the person’s name to help break it up…and then…crap, just say Happy Birthday again in case they forgot what we were singing about.”

“What if you don’t know there name?”

“Ummm, I don’t know. Just uncomfortably mumble something I guess.”

—–

Another combination post. I didn’t finish it because in order to get the jokes, you have to know who the Super Heroes are, and I got too lazy to explain and google images:

Bad Super Hero Team Ups

Superman and Good Luck Bear

Edward Scissorhands and Bubble Boy

Magneto and Iron Man

—–

This…I admit…is just a big, unfunny, mess. Enjoy!

The Emoticons Put On A Play

Scene I Act I

🙂      :o)      :c)

Scene I Act II

😀      😀     😦

Scene I Act III

:@      >:O     :-O

Scene II Act I

>;)

Scene II Act II

}:)     o/\o

Scene II Act III

|;-)     😥     :-###..

Scene III Act I

:’-(      😥     :’-)     :’)

Scene III Act II

<:-|

The End

My Simplistic Review Of Zombieland The TV Series

Amazon.com has released their first orginal program (sort of since it’s based on the movie): Zombieland The TV Series.

Along with Netflixs, Crackle, YouTube, and maybe Hulu (to lazy to fact check) this represents the direction you maybe watching TV in the future.

Watch out overpriced cable companies.

I sat down and figured out that I pay $1440 a year for cable. That’s 1106.84 in Euro my overseas amigos.

To be fair, that  price does include cable with HBO and Encore, Internet, House Phone, and a DVR.

I don’t need the house phone, but I do need HBO and AMC. HBO for True Blood, Game of Thrones, Boardwalk Empire, and Girls. AMC for Walking Dead and Breaking Bad. (Breaking Bad ends this year. If you have never watched, you should. You have to start with season one, epsiode one…yes it’s that kind of show.)

I’m trying to figure out if I can cut the Cable handcuffs. It’s $8 a month for Netflicks and Hulu Plus each. It’s $79 a year for Amazon Prime, which includes unlimited streaming of all their shows. Otherwise you are paying a price per show. And you get free shipping on crap you buy from the site.

That ends up totaling to $271 a year. I don’t know what my internet would cost unbundled. One of my friends told me they pay $79 a month. I think I can get a lower price, but I will use that for now. That gives me a grand total of $1,219 (935.75 euro or 38124.73 rubles ) a year.

It’s not that much of a savings, plus you have to add a one time expense of an Apps TV. I know what some of you techies are thinking: you can use a gaming console, google/apple TV box, or a streaming BluRay player if you want…

True…but the Apps TV is much smoother, quicker, and you only have to turn on one device instead of two.

Yup, lazy. I know.

I think I might be able to get internet for $50 a month which would bring the total down to $871 a year.

(A savings of $569 a year…and if you act now, we will throw in a second one for free!)

(A second what?)

(Shhhh! I don’t know, just go with it!)

(Whatever….)

Still debating…but regardless of the debate I do want an Apps TV….

Ooops, my review of Zombieland The TV Series…

It was hard to get used to the guy that was playing Woody Harrelson’s part…not that he was bad, just he wasn’t Woody Harrelson. Other than that the production values were much higher than I expected.

The only negatives I had was electricity and OnStar is still available in their version of the apocalypse. OnStar maybe, but electricity? Come on!

First episode is free on Amazon.com.

Facebook Friday Pt 5 (On A Wednesday)

Some of my favorite Facebook posts as of late:

Things I Experienced As A Child, My Children Will Not Pt 2

Things I experienced as a child, my children will not Pt 2

You can read part one here.

Beepers – Before everyone had cell phones, if you wanted to get a hold of someone you had to Beep them, and that doesn’t mean taking your fingers and honking their nose. Beeping consisted of calling their Beeper number (which they had in addition to their regular home phone number) with a regular telephone. Then a little square box that they would wear on their belt would make several loud beeping noises and display your number in a small window. The person being beeped would then look at the number thoughtfully and have to find a telephone to use. If you wanted to look pretentious or uber important, you would have a friend randomly beep you in social situations, so you could excuse yourself to make a fake phone call.

LaserDisks – These played movies and looked like DVDs, but were the size of your head. Despite their size the movie was encoded on both sides of the disk. This meant in the middle of the movie you had to flip it over. I had a rich friend who had close to a hundred movies on LaserDisk, but because the disks and case were so large, he stored them on the floor in large stacks. His entertainment room looked like a garage sale of giant flat disco balls.

Typewriter – Microsoft Word replaced this with the ability to easily erase sentences, save your work, store your thoughts, and not get typewriter ribbon ink all over yourself. I was clumsy as well and tended to miss the keys and pinch my fingers in the large spaces between them. One nice thing the typewriter did was make a large dinging noise every time you got to the edge of the paper. You then had the option to type on the roller of the machine, or push the roller back over to start the next line. If you don’t know what I am talking about, go rent any movie from the 1940’s. I guarantee there is at least two scenes of a room full of newspaper reporters typing away frantically.

Polaroid Camera – Before the Polaroid camera, you would take a picture, the camera would store the picture on a film cartridge, and then you would take it to the store to get developed. After about a week, you would go back to the store, pick up your pictures, and be disappointed about how bad they were. With the Polaroid camera you could instantly be disappointed, because the picture spit out of the bottom of the camera after you took it. Once the picture was ejected you would either have to shake the picture to see it (earlier models), or just sit and wait. The best part of the Polaroid picture? They were easily ruined by heat, water, air, looking at them wrong, or storing them. If you wanted a keepsake photo, Polaroid was not the way to go.

Fold Out Maps – Before the GPS, if you didn’t know where you were going, you had a paper map. The paper map was stored in a nice origami sized square, with which once you opened it, only Grandpa could get it back to the original fold. The map was filled with different colored lines that represented different streets, highways, biways, and toll roads. It unfolded to the size of a wall poster, so if you were lost at the moment you needed the map, your options were to:

A) Stop your car. Get out of your car. Unfold the map on the hood of your car. Not be able to make heads or tails of the map. Go ask a stranger.

or

B) Unfold the map while driving. Block your view of the road and/or not pay attention to the road as you try to figure out the map. Not be able to make heads or tails of the map. Go ask a stranger.

Yellow Pages/Dictionaries/Encyclopedias – All of these were gigantic reference books, some times with multiple volumes, that sat on a shelf somewhere, collecting dust, until the rare occasion some one needed them. With the Encyclopedia you had one volume (sometimes two) for every letter of the alphabet. All of these were replaced by web pages on the internet. Book shelf sales have gone down since.

Those Stupid Lists

Recently I got hit with two of those: “Find out a little about me” lists. I usually don’t respond, but I was bored. (A hard thing to be in my house.

Here is the first one:

One. What is your middle name? Carlisle

Two. What are you passionate about? Boobs

Three. Zebra or leopard print? I prefer my boys to be huged by zebra print.

Four. Do you have any fears? Stupid lists

Five. Silver or gold? Platinum

Six. Top three places to visit. Your bedroom, Your Mom’s bedroom, Chicago

Seven. How many siblings do you have? 1 that lived

Eight. Where are you from? My Mom

Nine. First career you wanted as a child. Nipple Tweaker

Ten. What’s your sign? I prefer Yield because you don’t have to come to a complete stop.

Eleven. Future names of your children. ReallyAnotherOne DeVoss and TheVasectomyDidn’tWork De Voss 

Twelve. Do you have any pets? I have 4 children, yes.

Thirteen. What are you listening to right now? The keys of the computer as I touch them.

Fourteen. Do you believe in fate/destiny? Fate new how to work a stripper pole, but Destiny was topless too so what did it matter?

Fifteen. What are your career goals? Survive!

Sixteen. What is your favorite color? Green and Money Green

Seventeen. What is your favorite flower? $1.99 Rose

Eighteen. What was the first concert/show you attended? In kindergarten they made us watch a puppet show put on by the third grade. Awful! Storyline sucked!

Nineteen. Something you are working on right now. This dumb list. Hello? Haven’t you been paying attention?

Twenty. Have you ever had a near-death experience? Yes, I have been married twice.

Twenty-one. Are you a procrastinator or do you get things done early? That’s kind of personal. I can touch myself if I want…What? Ohhh…procrastinator…I don’t know…let me get back to you on this…

Twenty-two. Left or right handed? I use both hands for sex.

Twenty-three. TV Shows you watch regularly. Disney Channel. I have kids that monopolize the TV.

Twenty-four. Where do you work? For the man! Down with the 1%!

Twenty-five. Halloween costume idea for this year? Winnie The Pooh. Red shirt. No pants.

Twenty-six. What is your relationship status? Happily married. (Until she reads this!)

Twenty-seven. Last movie you just watched. 3/4 of Silence of the Lambs and 2/3 of Limitless

Twenty-eight. Your best friend’s name. Laura

Twenty-nine. A song that’s been stuck in your head. The Alphabet song. Since kindergarten and DUI stops.

Thirty. A book you want to read/have recently read. Facebook

——————————————————————————-

Then my friend Mr. O’Keefe sent me one:

If you’ve been tagged or you are reading this, you have the honor of copying all these goofyquestions, writing your own response, and tagging 25 other victims. Youhave to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because Iwant to know more about you – but not in a creepy stalker kind of way.

Todo this, go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste theseinstructions in the body of the note, type your title as “Getting toknow each other!”, tag 25 people (tagging is done in the right handcorner of the app) then click publish.

1. What time did you get up this morning?

I’m up, that’s all that matters.

2. How do you like your steak?

Not in the heart, I’m part vampire.

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?

THE ANAL GIRLS OF TOBACCO ROAD 2 : VAGINA SLIMES

4. What is your favorite TV show?

The Walking Dead

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?

Hawaii

6. What did you have for breakfast?

Pop Tart until some girl grabbed it and pretended it was a camera. (See my albums on Facebook if you don’t understand)

7. What is your favorite cuisine?

Lean cuisine

8. What foods do you dislike?

Raw Tomatoes

9. Favorite Place to Eat?

Sweet Tomatoes (I know doesn’t make sense with number 8)

10. Favorite dressing?

Stove Top or overalls on a woman with no bra like in the Dexy’s Midnight Runners’ Come On Eileen Video

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive?

Time Machine

12. What are your favorite clothes?

None and not as in naked, but as in I don’t care

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance?

O’Keefe’s house and I would stay for an uncomfortably long time and I wouldn’t wear pants

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full?

Just 1/2. I would never say, “Oh look that cup is 1/2 empty,” or “Oh look that cup is 1/2 full.” Come to think of it, I would probably say, “Who left their drink here?”

15. Where would you want to retire?

In my bed.

16. Favorite time of day?

They are all good as long as I’m breathing.

17. Where were you born?

Columbus, OH.

18. What is your favorite sport to watch?

None, unless oil wrestling is considered a sport

19. Who do you think will not tag you back?

Anyone not playing tag.

20. Person you expect to tag you back first?

The bastard I just tagged. I call no tag backs.

21. Who are you most curious about their responses to thiis?

Mine. I never know what I’m going to write.

22. Bird watcher?

I don’t like to watch old ladies, unless they are eating, then it’s kind of funny.

23. Are you a morning person or a night person?

I don’t like funerals, so I would say night person.

24. Do you have any pets?

Yes, four children, a dog, and salt water fish

25. Any new and exciting news you’d like to share?

Yes, I forged a lottery ticket and they excepted it and gave me a million dollars. Stupid lotto people….

26. What did you want to be when you were little?

Big

27. What is your best childhood memory?

The time I got a Red Ryder BB gun and I shot my eye out. I actually didn’t have a childhood, I had to live through the TV.

28. Are you a cat or dog person?

Neither. I would be a dragon person if they exsisted.

29. Are you married?

Yes, five or six times. I lost track.

30. Always wear your seat belt?

Yes. State law.

31. Been in a car accident?

No, but I have accidently bought a car.

32. Any pet peeves?

No, but I had a pet finch once.

33. Favorite Pizza Toppings?

Banana Peppers

34. Favorite Flower?

The squirting clown flower.

35. Favorite ice cream?

All of them, except spumoni.

36. Favorite fast food restaurant?

Chick-fil-a

37. How many times did you fail your driver’s test?

None. A bribe works wonders.

38. From whom did you get your last email?

The fine folks from the grow your penis bigger corporation.

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?

Target. Sigh.

40. Do anything spontaneous lately?

I combusted.

41. Like your job?

No!

42. Broccoli?

Squash?

43. What was your favorite vacation?

Disney Cruise (Your welcome for the plug Disney.)

44. Last person you went out with?

My wife and her friend and I couldn’t get them drunk enough for a threesome. I did make them laugh uncontrollably at the suggest. 

45. What are you listening to right now?

Spongebob Squarepants and a dumb arguement between the 13 year old and the 11 year old.

46. What is your favorite color?

Green.

47. How many tattoos do you have?

2

48. How manly are you for this quiz?

I’m too sexy for this quiz

 

The Death Of High-Five Man

Article taken from The Orlando Weekly Daily:

Today one of Orlando’s lesser known mighty super heros has fallen, High-Five Man. High-Five Man was a mere 25 years old.

While in a heroic attempt to stop a local jewelry store from being robbed, High-Five Man and his trusty sidekick, Answers Questions With A Question Man was killed by an unknown super villain. The super villain was described as having sharp pointy steel poles protruding from everywhere on his body. As you may recall, High-Five Man’s finishing move involves jumping high in the air and slamming his foes with a gigantic, thunderous high five to somewhere on their body.

Needless to say High-Five Man didn’t stand a chance.

Eye witness Jason Bourke describes what happened;

“Well first High-Five Man was confused, because this guy had spikes coming from everywhere, and I mean everywhere on his body. High-Five Man couldn’t even get close to the guy. Answers Questions With A Question Man was just weeping in the corner being no help what-so-ever. Suddenly, High-Five Man leaps in the air, draws his arm back in the ultimate high five, and impales himself on the bad dude’s spikes. Then the bad dude shish-ka-bobs Answers Questions With A Question Man next. It was gross. What kind of super power is high five-ing people anyway?”

In a side note, Answers Questions With A Question Man, was voted 2011’s most annoying super hero.

Currently, we at The Orlando Weekly Daily, are dubbing this new super villain: The Steel Porcupine.

Funeral services are to be announced sometime next week.

High Five Man is survived by his wife Low Five Woman, and their three kids: UpHigh, DownLow, and TooSlow.