Meanwhile Somewhere On The Internet Pt 21

The Last Friday of 2011, and according to the Mayans, we are going to be short Friday’s in 2012…and there will be none in 2013…oh well!

Sounded like fun at first, then I thought it might hurt certain parts of my male anatomy a lot.

 

My neighbor is the same way.

 

Dude, the other door is so far away, dude.

 

Poor T-Rex. No clapping, no masturbating, no rock and roll flute playing.

 

My Simplistic Review Of One Page Of A Children’s Home Child Birth Book

I will admit that I could not think of anything to write about today. Which is bad because in an effort to stop my brain from turning into mush, I challenged myself to try to write something at least four times a week.

Today I spent the better half of an hour staring at a blank WordPress page. Then I got the brilliant idea of downloading comic strips in order to replace the word bubbles with word bubbles of my own. That led nowhere, so I thought maybe old Dick Tracy cartoons would be fun to update.

I couldn’t find any of those, and the ones I found were serialized. They sort of ended nowhere. How was this comic strip even popular anyway? Where people that starved for entertainment back then?

So then I thought old Superman or Batman comics would be more suitable. For some reason while googling images for these, this picture came up:

And me, being a red-blooded American male, with a rather fondness for the female upper half, couldn’t help but think…that is hilarious!

This picture is from a children’s book about home birthing.

Let’s break this picture down a bit shall we:

For one thing you shouldn’t use the word boobies. The word boobies is reserved for jokes about boobies and 8th grade boys sneaking Playboys from their fathers and pointing out boobies in the magazine to each other.

You should have used the word breasts. Much more dignified.

Another thing Mom is walking around completely topless. As much as I am a fan of exposed breasts, Mom could be covered somewhat and still get the point across. I’m thinking Dad is a little controlling and demands Mom be topless at home or she is going to get beat.

The giant “Gulp, Gulp, Gulps” have to go as well. This isn’t beer we are drinking.

I’m sure this is a great book for children to learn all about Mommy popping a kid out of her hey-nanny-nanny in the bath tub at home, but I don’t think I could get through it without laughing and getting dirty looks from my wife.

“You’re so immature! This is a children’s book to learn about not using the facilities available to women to make birthing easier, but instead bringing Mom and child together in a more natural state…like when woman had to give birth in a wheat field while driving the plow pulled by oxen and dodging their poo!”

(That’s me impersonating my wife, who would actually not say any of that except: You’re so immature!)

I tried hard to give this book a far chance by trying to find other pages in the book on the internet, but this seems to be the only one available without actually buying the book. Which if you feel like doing, you can do so here.

On a side note, these disturbing candle holders came up in my searches for other pages. I may not be able to sleep with the lights off tonight.

Cup Of Worms

Wouldn’t it be weird if the people who made Cup Of Noodles also made Cup Of Worms?

And what would happen if both products were sitting side by side on the grocery shelf and you were in a hurry and grabbed Cup Of Worms when you meant to grab Cup Of Noodles?

And what would happen if you put the Cup Of Worms in the microwave thinking you were going to eat some soup, but now you had a Cup Of Microwaved Worms?

And wouldn’t you be mad as you looked into your cup and all there was was hot, crunchy, microwaved worms and you really wanted some soft, tasty noodles in chicken broth.

Wouldn’t it be even weirder if the people who made Cup Of Noodles and Cup Of Worms also made Cup Of Fingers?

Wouldn’t you wonder why anyone would need a product called Cup Of Fingers?

Would you open it?

Wouldn’t you be mad if you went to the grocery store and you were in a hurry, and instead of grabbing Cup Of Worms, you accidently grabbed Cup Of Fingers?

Who would you point the finger at?

Sorry for that last question, it was a really bad joke.

Aren’t you now glad that the Cup Of Noodles people only make Cup Of Noodles?

I am.

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Cake and Eat It Too

I was recently pondering the meaning of the phrase, ‘You can’t have your cake and eat it too.’ Which made no sense to my dumb little brain, because I was thinking of it in these terms: If you hand me a piece of cake, well then I’m going to eat it.

I have the cake,and I ate it. So yes, I can have my cake and eat it too.

After looking it up on the end all, of all misinformation, Wikipedia, I soon discovered how wrong I was in my understanding of this stupid phrase. It actually means you can’t have a whole cake, and eat it, and still have a whole cake.

Which is stupid. Why would I want to keep a cake forever and never eat it? You make the cake, you eat the cake. End of story.

No one makes a cake and then says, “Wow, what a great cake. Let’s keep this cake forever!”

“Yes, Julie! This cake is much too delicious and moist to eat! Let’s preserve this cake so future generations can gaze upon it’s rich, light fluffiness, and remark on how this cake is grander than any other cake in the world!”

(By the way, I don’t know who Julie is.)

The Wikipedia article is pretty boring, except the section on similar expressions from other countries:

French:  To want the butter and the money for the butter (Probably for those tasty croissants!)

Italy: To have the barrel full and the wife drunk (Looks like Italy is trying to score!)

Spanish: Wishing to be both at Mass and in the procession or Swimming and keeping an eye on the removed clothes (Sounds like the Spanish want to be good on one hand by going to church, and naughty on the other hand by skinny dipping.)

Serbia: You can’t have both goatling and money (Here in America we would never have a goatling, so if cake wasn’t already the item used, we would probably say: You can’t have both XBOX 360 and money.)

Chinese: To want a horse that both runs fast and consumes no feed (And wins me money at the races.)

Greek: You want the pie whole and the dog full (I guess they feed their dogs pie in Greece instead of Puppy Chow.)

Swiss: You can’t have the five cent coin and a -certain type of swiss- bread roll (Makes me wonder what this certain type of swiss-bread roll is….is it better than the standard swiss-bread roll? Who makes it? Pepperidge Farm?)

Bulgaria: The wolf is full, and the lamb – whole (And that’s why Bulgaria is the funniest country ever.)

Meanwhile Somewhere On The Internet – Christmas Edition

Happy Holidays!

Because you have been extra good this year:

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The Very Best Fruit Cake Recipe…Ever!

Christmas, among other things, is a time for sharing great family traditions and recipes.

This recipe has been handed down in my family for generations. Great, Great, Great, Grandma tweaked this recipe a little around the 1800s.

Enjoy.

• 1/8 cup chopped dried cherries  2 1/2 cups crushed vanilla wafers
• 1/8 cup chopped dried mango 1 cup confectioners’ sugar
• 1/4 cup dried cranberries 2 tablespoons cocoa powder
• 1/4 cup dried currants (You have to be kidding me! If it wasn’t for fruit cake, currant companies would be out of business!)
• 2 tablespoons chopped candied citron (1 part Absoult Citron, 1 Dash Sugar, 2 Slices of Pineapple…drink)
• 1/2 cup butter 1 cup chopped walnuts
• 1/4 cup packed brown sugar 3 tablespoons dark corn syrup
• 1 egg 1/4 cup rum
• 1/2 cup all-purpose flour Another 1/4 cup rum
• 1/8 teaspoon baking soda One more 1/4 cup rum
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• 1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon (Make cinnamon toast instead.)
• 1/4 cup unsulfured molasses  (Molasses is a old person’s ingredient.)
• 2 tablespoons milk
• 1/4 cup chopped pecans

Directions

1. Mix cherries, mango, cranberries, currants, and citron. Cover tightly, and store at room temperature.
2. Preheat oven to 325 degrees F (165 degrees C). Butter a 6×3 inch round pan, and line with parchment paper.
3. In a large bowl, cream together butter and brown sugar until fluffy. Beat in egg. Whisk together flour, baking soda, salt, and cinnamon; mix into butter and sugar in three batches, alternating with molasses and milk. Stir in soaked fruit and chopped nuts. Scrape batter into prepared pan.
4. Bake in preheated oven for 40 to 45 minutes. Cool in the pan for 10 minutes, then sprinkle with 2 tablespoons rum.
5. Cut out one piece parchment paper and one piece cheesecloth, each large enough to wrap around the cake. Arrange cheesecloth on top of parchment paper, and unmold cake onto it. Wrap the cheesecloth closely to the surface of the cake, then wrap with paper. Place in an airtight tin, and age for at least 10 weeks.
6. Give to people you don’t like.

Directions

1. In a medium sized bowl, mix together the vanilla wafers, cocoa and sugar. Stir in the chopped walnuts, corn syrup and rum. Mix until well blended.
2. Form dough into 2 inch balls and roll in confectioners’ sugar. Store in covered tin.
3. Give to people you like.

Grumpy Uncle Harold ‘s The Twelve Days Of Christmas Dos

Dear True,

I just wanted to take the time to say, “Thank You,” for sending all those mostly useless gifts. I don’t know how much you know about me, but I am not really a bird person. Right now I have 6 Geese A Laying in my back yard, and the neighbors are starting to complain. It seems the over-sexed Geese “doing it” all the time is against the Home Owners Association.  Maybe next time you can send me 6 Geese A Sleeping…or here is a novel thought…no god damn Geese at all!

The seven swans a swimming was also a bad idea, or at least you could of held off on the seven inflatable pools they came in as well. By the way, Swans hate pears.

The 8 maids a milking has also caused quite a stir in the neighborhood. There is now cow crap everywhere and none of the maids speak English. Some of the maids have propositioned the neighbors in hopes of getting a green card. Old Man Krantz is seriously thinking about it.

The 9 ladies dancing have been trying to hook up with the 10 lords a leaping, but I seriously think those ladies are barking up the wrong tree. The lords seems more interested in each other if you know what I mean.

The 11 pipers pipping and the 12 drummers drumming would be a perfect gift for anyone who does not like good music or is tone deaf. All they do is play their instruments and loudly. I have had the cops called on me four times in the last four days due to noise levels. Also they only know one song, James Brown’s Papa’s Got a Brand New Bag, which used to be a decent song…until it was played over and over again by a band consisting of nothing but flutes and drums.

Next year consider sending me a XBox 360.

Sincerely,

Harold De Voss

P.S. You will be hearing from my attorneys.

Grumpy Uncle Harold ‘s The Twelve Days Of Christmas Uno

The Twelve Days Of Christmas if they were delivered to my Grumpy Uncle Harold.

Uncle Harold has a low tolerance for everything that deals with life, so here is how I would imagine he would react if UPS delivered the 12 Days of Christmas to his doorstep:

First Day: 

UPS: Package for Harold De Voss.

Harold: What is it?

UPS: Sir, it’s a partridge and he is sitting in a pear tree.

Harold: What am I suppose to do with that?

UPS: I don’t know. Can you sign for it please?

Harold: I ain’t signing for anything. Who sent it?

UPS: It says from your True Love.

Harold: Budweiser sent me a gift? How thoughtful. Just a question, how am I suppose to eat the pears? That damn partridge crapped all over them Why wouldn’t Budweiser send a Bud Light in a King Of Beers tree? That would make more sense.

UPS: I don’t think it’s from Budweiser, sir. Could you just please sign for the package.

Harold: Is that a Stone Partridge or an Arabian Partridge?

UPS: Sir, I don’t know. I’m pretty sure UPS in real life doesn’t deliver live animals, so I’m definitely not going to be the one to know anything about this particular bird.

Harold: Are those Snow Pears or Afghan Pears?

UPS: Sir, if you don’t sign for this, I’m putting it back in the truck and driving off.

Harold: Oh, I don’t care. Take that crappy bird sitting in that crappy tree, with crap covered pears and shove the whole thing up your crapper.

UPS: Merry Christmas, asshole. (Grabs tree and leaves. Bird flies away.)

Harold:Great! Now  I have bird crap all over my front porch. (Gives finger)

Second Day:

Harold: I see your back with more damn birds!

UPS: Yes, can you please sign for these two turtle doves sent from a Mrs. True Love.

Harold: Two turtle doves, huh? They look like stinky Pigeons to me. Why don’t you lay a bread crumb trail into the street and see if they are smart enough not to get run over.

UPS: I take it your not going to sign for this?

Harold: I don’t know who True Love is, or why they think I’m an aviary for retarded birds, but sir those are yours. (slams door)

Third Day:

Harold: More birds huh? At least they are useful this time. Three Cornish hens, at least I can eat that! Are they from my true love?

UPS: They are French hens, not Cornish hens. And yes they are from your True Love who must be the world’s most tolerant person. Are you signing today?

Harold: French? Don’t think so. Probably pretentious.

UPS: Uh….I meant they are French Cornish hens….those taste the best. You know French make the best foods.

Harold: Hell ya they do! (signs)

Fourth Day:

UPS: (Doesn’t even bother coming to the door. Calls the local pet store and makes a donation of 4 Calling Birds.)

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Fifth Day:

Harold: Now we are talking. Five golden rings. True Love finally got her head out of her ass and sent me something useful. Value City Pawn And Seafood Market, here we come! (Kisses UPS guy on the cheek.)

UPS: Don’t ever do that again!

To be continued…