Grumpy Uncle Harold ‘s The Twelve Days Of Christmas Uno

The Twelve Days Of Christmas if they were delivered to my Grumpy Uncle Harold.

Uncle Harold has a low tolerance for everything that deals with life, so here is how I would imagine he would react if UPS delivered the 12 Days of Christmas to his doorstep:

First Day: 

UPS: Package for Harold De Voss.

Harold: What is it?

UPS: Sir, it’s a partridge and he is sitting in a pear tree.

Harold: What am I suppose to do with that?

UPS: I don’t know. Can you sign for it please?

Harold: I ain’t signing for anything. Who sent it?

UPS: It says from your True Love.

Harold: Budweiser sent me a gift? How thoughtful. Just a question, how am I suppose to eat the pears? That damn partridge crapped all over them Why wouldn’t Budweiser send a Bud Light in a King Of Beers tree? That would make more sense.

UPS: I don’t think it’s from Budweiser, sir. Could you just please sign for the package.

Harold: Is that a Stone Partridge or an Arabian Partridge?

UPS: Sir, I don’t know. I’m pretty sure UPS in real life doesn’t deliver live animals, so I’m definitely not going to be the one to know anything about this particular bird.

Harold: Are those Snow Pears or Afghan Pears?

UPS: Sir, if you don’t sign for this, I’m putting it back in the truck and driving off.

Harold: Oh, I don’t care. Take that crappy bird sitting in that crappy tree, with crap covered pears and shove the whole thing up your crapper.

UPS: Merry Christmas, asshole. (Grabs tree and leaves. Bird flies away.)

Harold:Great! Now  I have bird crap all over my front porch. (Gives finger)

Second Day:

Harold: I see your back with more damn birds!

UPS: Yes, can you please sign for these two turtle doves sent from a Mrs. True Love.

Harold: Two turtle doves, huh? They look like stinky Pigeons to me. Why don’t you lay a bread crumb trail into the street and see if they are smart enough not to get run over.

UPS: I take it your not going to sign for this?

Harold: I don’t know who True Love is, or why they think I’m an aviary for retarded birds, but sir those are yours. (slams door)

Third Day:

Harold: More birds huh? At least they are useful this time. Three Cornish hens, at least I can eat that! Are they from my true love?

UPS: They are French hens, not Cornish hens. And yes they are from your True Love who must be the world’s most tolerant person. Are you signing today?

Harold: French? Don’t think so. Probably pretentious.

UPS: Uh….I meant they are French Cornish hens….those taste the best. You know French make the best foods.

Harold: Hell ya they do! (signs)

Fourth Day:

UPS: (Doesn’t even bother coming to the door. Calls the local pet store and makes a donation of 4 Calling Birds.)

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Fifth Day:

Harold: Now we are talking. Five golden rings. True Love finally got her head out of her ass and sent me something useful. Value City Pawn And Seafood Market, here we come! (Kisses UPS guy on the cheek.)

UPS: Don’t ever do that again!

To be continued…