Zombie Santa

22 Dec

This is so not cool.

First the hike through gum drop mountain, then getting lost in Candy Cane Lane, and then to top it off I just opened up the mission briefing as instructed:

Kill Santa Claus.

Kill all his elves.

Kill Mrs. Claus.

Kill all the reindeer.

Kill Frosty the Snowman.

Kill the elf that thinks he is a dentist.

Kill all that look, act, sound, and/or smell like a zombie.

I can’t kill Santa Claus! Even if he has contracted the zombie virus. He is the most beloved person in the world. I did not sign up with the army to kill Santa Claus…even if he is Zombie Santa.

No way.

It’s not like Zombie Santa is a real threat to anyone anyway. The North Pole is super hard to get to, the cold makes zombies move really, really slow, or not at all. And it’s not like Zombie Santa is going to get in his sleigh, with his eight tiny zombie reindeer, and fly to all the good girls and boys homes and eat them.



The only problem is, if I don’t snipe Zombie Santa, they will just send someone else to do it. Probably someone who doesn’t care as much about Santa…like a Jewish person…or a Jehovah Witness.

No Jehovah Witness should kill Santa…it should be a God fearing Christian like myself!

So, I should just set up my sniper post somewhere outside his workshop and start taking down all that moves out there in the snow storm…every toy making elf…every magical reindeer…every little boy and girl’s memories, wishes, hopes, and dreams….


I can’t do this!

The world needs Santa…even if it’s Zombie Santa!




Crap, I see the old man now. I raise the sniper scope to my eye to get a better look. His famous red suit is all tattered and bloodied. One side of his face is all bone, but the eye is still intact. His iconic beard is only full on the side of his face that is still covered in flesh. Zombie Santa is holding that famous sack he uses to hold all his toys…except it looks like it’s holding various elf body parts…

Elf arms….

Elf legs…

Elf heads exposed at the brain…

And I kill Santa with one shot to the head. The old man goes down slowly.

I figure I’m going to Hell for this one.

For some reason that John Lennon ‘So this is Christmas’ song  starts playing in my head.

“So this is Christmas
And what have you done…”

What have I done?


3 Responses to “Zombie Santa”

  1. sagedoyle December 19, 2012 at 7:05 PM #

    Just remember, according to “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” this is the same guy that sings “if you sit on my lap today, a kiss a toy is the price you’ll pay” to all the children. :/

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