A Big Barrel Of Crackers

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Where do you suppose Cracker Barrel got it’s name? Did crackers come in barrels way back in waggoner times?

Thank god the box was invented, because I do not want to lug a big barrel of crackers home from the Target store. Can you imagine the size of the shopping cart needed?

What if I needed a barrel of crackers, a barrel of pickles, a barrel of fish (to shoot), and a barrel of fun (to roll out) and of course, a barrel of monkeys all in one shopping trip?

Inconvenient!

Anyway, the wife and I decided to have lunch here before work today. Even though we have dined here many times, mostly because it’s right down the street, and quite honestly because it’s cheap, I just find lots of things funny about the restaurant.

The first thing I thought was odd was the fact that I got a coaster for my drink and my wife did not.

When I said to her, “Hey, that’s odd. I got a coaster for my drink, and you, my wife,  did not…”

She said, “Yes, they bring coasters with all the diet drinks. Keri* always gets a coaster too. She drinks diet as well.”

That makes sense, except my wife was drinking a sweet tea. (Or in the south pronounced as a sweeeeeeet teeeea.) I pointed this out, but my wife only shrugged. You see one is a light brown drink, and one is a black drink…and they look completely different.

So, Cracker Barrel…why the need?

“I don’t want to be labeled as a diet drinker. I think that’s what they are doing, ” I told her. “What if they are trying to segregate us in case some Regular Cola Commandos bust into the restaurant and are commanded to shoot all the people with coasters. What then, huh? I’m a dead man!”

I crumbled up my coaster and stuck it in my wife’s purse. I leaned over to the table next to us to warn them to do the same.

They just gave me a blank stare.

“Don’t you dare,” she hissed. “Besides, what if they were instructed to shoot all the people without coasters?”

Oh. I hadn’t thought of that.

The next thing that caught my attention was when my wife ordered some sort of summer special entree salad, and the waitress remarked (very excitedly),

“It’s really good. It has an Italian dressing, and this is the first time Cracker Barrel has ever put cucumbers on a salad.“

No way…first time ever? Cucumbers on a salad? Somebody call Gordon Ramsey and tell him about this.

Look at the bountiful array of cucumbers! (Three I think.)

Cracker Barrel has a pretty distinctive look, unless of course you’re in an Applebees, Chilis, Longhorn, TGI Fridays, Fudruckers, or any of a thousand restaurants that have random objects covering the walls.

Cracker Barrel in particular, specializes in random objects from the 1920s. Things like old signs, old tools, old newspaper advertisements, and this random old black guy:

I’m thinking about starting a company that supplies random objects to restaurants to hang on their walls.

Where would I get my supplies? From Applebees, Chilis, Longhorn, TGI Fridays, and Fudruckers.

—–

I got the beef brisket. It didn’t come with a sauce though. Shouldn’t brisket come with a sauce? It’s too dry otherwise.

I asked for a side of BBQ for dipping. I like to dip. Dippable** foods are way more fun than undippable foods.

It was good, but presentation needed a little work.

This could be:

• Beef Brisket
• Beef Jerky
• Flatworms

Let’s not forget the Cracker Barrel Country Store:

Perfect for that secret 5 o’clock martini.

A little pink pistol for all the little…pink cowboys and pink…gangsters?

The grumpy George Washington trivia game?

A jar of glass dildos? For the kiddies?

This I was told was for scrubbing pots and pans. Let’s go with that because I already did a dildo joke.

So this where Grandma got those scary knick knacks that you swore were always looking at you…and you were pretty sure came to life on nights of the full moon.

And since this is Central Florida, by state law, you have to sell flamingos and Santa Claus climbing a palm tree. (in a jar…in July…at 25% off)

*Her friend is  named…Keri.

**Apparently dippable is not a word. Spell check is suggesting: disposable, which makes this sentence have a whole different meaning entirely. Disposable foods are way more fun than un-disposable foods. Un-disposable is not a word by the way.

Kia Got No Soul

Just saw a Kia Soul smashed up on the side of the road. This is why you should not let hamsters drive.

Meanwhile Somewhere On The Internet Pt 1

Pictures from the net…

The Only Keyboard My Wife Needs

I Prefer Michael Jackson 1972

So Very Unhealthy For You!

Is That Yoda In There?

It Took Me All Day To Put Together.

Things My Teenager Is Saying Pt One

Here are things the oldest boy is saying which is lost on me, but the new slang for his generation. It happens to everyone eventually…the point where your language is not cool anymore

He likes to call the youngest boy, A scrub, or you scrub!

According to the Urban Dictionary this means:

1. A dude who act like a playa or like he sumthin but really got nothin. A broke guy with no job, no car, no girl..etc

A loser with nothing to offer a woman.

( I dont want no nasty scrub )
( Has nothin to offer me )

or

2. A scrub is a now generalized term used as a synonym for a “noob” or “newb,” which is someone who is bad at a video game or activity in general.

The original definition is related to a person who makes a mistake in a video game, which is such a bad mistake that it is clearly wrong, yet they persist in making it. The term derives from Street Fighter II, to describe some players that were so bad that they would mash their hands across the control pad, an act known as “scrubbing,” because it relates to scrubbing a car or other object with a sponge. Thus they were deemed “scrubbers,” or “scrubs” for short. Over time this term expanded throughout the gaming world, and then the real world, and lost its original meaning.

If you’re a scrub, then you owe me a cookie.

And things he likes are called Beast. Dad, that was really beast!

According to the Urban Dictionary this means:

1) anything that is good, or someone that is good, past tense to own someone that is beast

you are such a beasti beasted you

 or

2) A person or thing that looks tough, ripped, cut, or has an intimidating presence.

Adjective Form: Nate is beast.Noun Form: Nate is a huge beast.

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Tow Truck Dreams

Saw a tow truck broken down on the side of the road. Not that it couldn’t happen, but not something you see everyday. So I chuckled a little bit because you know, tow truck companies are crooks…and then I turned around.

I pulled up to the driver and said, “Did you call a tow truck?”

“Yeah,” he said rather suspicious. I think he was waiting for me to make a joke. “Someone from the garage is comin’.”

“Here I am, ” I said and smiled.

“Your kidding….Who are you?”

“The new guy,” I said. Saying your the new guy always works on TV.

“What are you going to pull the truck with?” he asks. I was driving a Mazda 5.

I pulled in front of the tow truck, got out, and started rummaging through the truck. The tow truck driver just stared at me. I found those bungee things with the two plastic hooks on the end that everyone buys, but rarely you have a use for them. You see them on the shelf, and they are cheap, so you say to yourself, ‘I should buy those. I don’t have any immediate use for them, nor do I even know what to do with them, but I must buy them.’ The bungee cord companies put Harry Potter like spells on the packaging to help their sales.

I like the fact that they come in 4 or 5 different sizes, like the manufacture has thought of all these different uses you need them for, and better yet, determined the sizes you need for various said uses, and even better yet, put them all together in one convenient package.

I started hooking the bungees on my lower back bumper, and then stretched them out to the tow truck and hooked them on it’s grill. The tow truck driver just stared at me.

“Do you need a ride?” I asked. “But just so you know the windows don’t roll down, there is no AC, and the radio doesn’t work.”

The tow truck driver just stared at me. “Suit yourself, ” I said.

Here is where I was about to have my fun:

“By the way, I can tow this for 10 miles at 50 dollars a mile, for every mile after that it’s 75 dollars. You will have to pick it up at the impound lot which will cost you 200 dollars, and about 7 hours of your time as I will pretend to lose your keys, and then pretend to look for them. Once you have your vehicle back, expect your glove box to be gone through, any loose change missing, as well as your radio, your floor mats soiled with some unknown substance that you might mistake for dog poo, your back seat ripped, and your inside front windshield to look like it’s been licked by a hundred rabid cats. All of this I will claim as ‘That’s the way I got’ condition. I will also shrug my shoulders and show you my butt crack.”

The tow truck driver just looked at me even harder.

I saw another tow truck approaching so I got in my car and drove off hearing the bungee cords snap off the vehicles, fly in the air, and land like road kill snakes in the middle of the road.

Movies Backwards

These are not original, but they are funny…enjoy.

Watch Independence day backwards and it’s a feel good story of aliens coming to earth to help rebuild the White House.

If you watch Cloverfield backwards, some freaky monster helps people into helicopters and builds bridges in New York, so everyone has a party.

If you watch the Lord of the Ring trilogy backwards, it’s a saga about a little guy who gets a cool ring from a volcano and spends the rest of the films walking home.

If you watch Scarface backwards, it’s about a man who gives up cocaine and crime to follow his dream of becoming a dishwasher to earn enough money so he can visit Cuba.

If you watch 127 Hours backwards it’s an uplifting story about a disabled man finding an arm in the desert.

If you watch “The Social Network” backwards, it’s the story of MySpace.

If you watch porn backwards, most of it is about guys vacuuming semen off ladies’ faces with their penises

If you watch Alien backwards: After being chased around a spaceship, bizarre creature burrows into the stomach of a crew member and disappears

“If you watch The Karate Kid backwards, it’s about this karate champ who slowly becomes a pussy and ends up moving back to Jersey”

“If you watch Rambo backwards, it’s about a man who brings people back to life with his magical vacuum gun.”

If you watch the Wizard of Oz backwards, it’s about a young girl who, with her dog’s aide, creates a wicked witch out of water, forces a tin man, a lion and a scarecrow into oppressive circumstances and then flies home in her house.

If you watch Raiders of the Lost Ark backwards, it’s about a man who takes the Ark of the Covenant from the US Government, uses it to restore some Nazis to life before helping them to hide it beneath ancient Egyptian ruins and then scattering the clues to its location throughout the world. Then to cap it all off he chases a boulder into an ancient temple.

If you watch the movie `Jaws’ backwards, it’s a movie about a shark that keeps throwing up people until they have to open a beach.

If you play Poker backwards, you play until you get a small amount of chips, then offer them to the casino.

Watch any James Bond movie backwards, and it’s about a man who helpfully puts things back together, removes bullets from people, and renounces women for a life of celibacy.

If you watch Superman: The Movie backwards it’s about a complete jackass alien who buries his friend’s car in some rubble, smashes up a dam and then flies around putting cats up trees and flying bank robbers away from the police before returning to his home planet.

If you watch The Dark Knight backwards it’s about a guy dressed like a bat that frees a clown from hanging upside down, and the clown goes on to make a large deposit in a bank.

If you watch Ocean’s 11 backwards, thieves join together to smuggle a boatload of cash into a casino vault, then go their separate ways.

If you watch Die Hard 3 backwards, it’s about a man who get on a boat, blows it up then fixes it then decides to travel around with a black guy in a cab, which ultimately leads to him becoming a racist.

Life’s Rich Pageant

Just got an email that R.E.M’s Life’s Rich Pageant is being reissued for some anniversary of some sort. One that makes me feel old, and two that makes me remember I haven’t listen to R.E.M in a really long time. Which is sad, because R.E.M was a band that was really important in my musical listening history.

At first R.E.M was a cool secret among just a few of us as Def Leppard, Whitesnake, and Van Halen logos dominated most grocery bag school book covers. Their first 4 or 5 albums we didn’t know anything about the band except they had this unique sound, and that they numbered their albums. For some reason I really liked the fact that they numbered the spines. As I lined up my cassettes it made it easy to display in discography order. (OCD beginnings?)

For those who do not know what cassettes are, they look like a shrunken pop tart, and had two spools inside of them that held reel to reel tape, but smaller. They were easy to fit into your pocket without the case, and easy to break, un-spool, and lose.  They had a side A and a side B, and you could write things you regretted later on the label like, “Laura’s Mix Tape ’88 I love you Don’t leave me!”

They later gave way to CDs, which gave way to MP3s, which will one day give way to being able to hear music with your eyes. (In a near and far future.)

Before I go to work, I’m going to go into the garage and find my CD collection, grab this album, and revisit this band on the tedious drive. And yes, I do forgive R.E.M for the song, Shiny Happy People, everyone has a WTF am I doing moment in their life…I am just going to chalk it up as the members of R.E.M wanted to have sex with the B-52s…

Upset Stomach

Last night we went to eat out after work. I got some pork ribs, which I had gotten once before and had gotten sick from later.

So, you ask, why would you get them again?

Because, I answer, I thought it was a fluke thing the first time…and I have eaten many things from this restaurant with no problems in the past, and they are a local chain, one of the few that is always packed anymore, and it was the special. (Meaning it was a really good price!)

I don’t think it’s the restaurant’s fault though, I think pork and I are no longer friends. Which is sad because unless your religious beliefs dictate it so, bacon is so good. Bacon is modern day nectar from the gods.

I was even contemplating opening a bacon themed restaurant. Bacon sandwiches, bacon fries, bacon smoothies…

I guess I could still open the restaurant and never eat there myself…yeah, right.

Hopefully they make pork intolerant pills like they make lactose intolerant pills and I should be ok.

Zombie GaGa

Zombie’s favorite song is Lady GaGa’s Bad Romance, but only the opening part.