Tag Archives: teens

Randoms Pt 15

27 Aug

I’m doing the laundry, a chore I hate immensely. While my head was in the dryer I hear the Toddler call from the other room:

“Daddy!”

Me: “What?”

Toddler: “Grandma gave me a surprise yesterday…”

Me: “Oh really. What?”

Toddler: “Jesus!”

Me: “Oh. Okay. Wait, what did you say?”

Toddler: “I said Mommy gave me a surprise yesterday. Chuck-E-Cheese’s!”

Me: “Oh, okay. I’ve got to get my hearing checked.”

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Words of Wisdom From The Teenage Boy:

I’m going to get a tattoo of a shirt, so it looks like I’m wearing a shirt even when I’m not. You can’t go wrong with a shirt tattoo.

Me:

Except when you want to wear a different shirt…

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The Teenage girl is obsessed with a boy band called One Direction. She has been obsessed with them for a long time.

A really long time.

A really, really, really, long time.

So she was looking at her Twitter the other day and says this out loud,

“(One of the boys in the band) He has perfect collarbones and he is ruining them with tattoos. And he has perfect arms and he is ruining those with tattoos of random objects that are important.”

Wife: Like refrigerators and toasters?

Then she shows us a picture of his perfect collar bones.

And his arms.

Me: What the hell are perfect collarbones?

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I like to send random texts to my friends because I think it’s funny.

They…not so much.

Here are some recent messages:

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Things Found Around The House

7 Mar

Here are a few things found around the house that caught my eye today:

I think this proves the Toddler is not a racist...or that she might be color blind.

This is my favorite brand of cheap poptarts because in the title it tells you how to cook them, then it tells you what to expect when they are done. No surprises here.

I'm afraid to try this coffee. I have never eaten caribou before, and I am not a big venison person anyway.

Hair product or porno advert?

The toddler's bedroom. Notice all the pink girly stuff...and the scary Halloween pumpkin! (Might explain why she sometimes gets scarred in the middle of night...that's what they teach you in good parenting 101.)

The Teenage Girl sometimes hides for days in her room...never to be seen. Now I know how she survives...secret stash of Nutella.

The boy's bathroom. Very scary. Never go here! However I do notice 4 or 5 deodorants, shaving cream, 2 combs, a manicure kit...yet they are never bathed, shaved, or have combed hair...and always smell bad. Hmmm...

The fire alarms and I like to fight...usually around 3 am in the morning. This one lost.

See picture below

This is my collection of real food based on fake foods. These are from the Simpson's and True Blood TV shows.

Randoms Pt 4

5 Oct

Teenager2: Toddler, sing the alphabet.
Toddler: (sings the alphabet)
Teenager2: Toddler, that was really good!
Tween: I wasn’t feeling you. It was a little pitchy dawg.
Toddler: Oh, man!

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I think I’m getting old. I don’t recognize half the bands that appear on Saturday Night Live anymore.

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Why do they make buildings with two doors side by side, but they always lock one of them?

And why do I always try to open the locked one.

If we have to lock one of the doors, I think by law it should be the same side that is always locked whether it be the right side or the left side…don’t care just make it the same side dammit! (That way I know which door handle to pull!)

When I get rich I’m going to build a building that has like a hundred doors surrounding the bottom floor and they are all going to be locked except for one…and everyday it’s going to be a different one. The building will only be for architects that design buildings with double doors.

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When I reread that blurb above, I couldn’t help reading it in Andy Rooney’s voice. Try it.

Speaking of Andy Rooney, I heard he is retiring. I never watched him on TV, but I know who he is through other people’s impersonations of him. That my friend, is the true measure of fame.

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Friend: If you could only bring 5 CDs on a deserted island, which 5 would they be?

Me: I wouldn’t bring any albums, I would bring a raft.

Friend: You can’t bring a raft. That’s not an option. You can only bring CDs.

Me: So your saying that I know I’m going to be stranded on a deserted island and my only thought would be to grab 5 of my most favorite CDs?

Friend: Yes, yes! It’s a hypothetical thing…you know, if you only had 5 CDs to listen to for the rest of your life, what would your choices be?

Me: Why didn’t you come right out and ask me directly, which five CDs would you listen to for the rest of your life?

Friend: I don’t know…it’s more fun this way.

Me: Who says I would be stranded on the island the rest of my life? I could escape!

Friend: Yes, sure, fine. You know what, I don’t care anymore.

Me: No, no…let me see…I would bring…Hey, how am I going to play the CDs anyway? Is there going to be electricity on the island, and a sweet sound system?

Friend: I said I don’t care. You ruined it.

Me: If there is electricity for me to play my CDs, then I would probably bring my Google phone which has all my music on it…but I won’t listen to any of it, I would call someone to get me off the island.

Friend: You suck.

Me: Wait…Ok. I would bring Pink Floyd’s The Wall…um….

Friend: See, was that so hard?

Me: And my phone.

Friend: You still suck.

Me: But I’m off the island!

Randoms Pt 1

24 Aug

Me to Toddler: Did you make any friends at school today?

Toddler to Me: How do I make friends?

Me to Toddler: By saying to someone, Hi my name is Jocelyn. Would you like to be my friend?

Toddler to Me: Nooooo. That’s not how you do it. First you need some bones and then you put skin on it.

Me to Toddler: I guess that is another way you could do it….

Wife to Me: What are we raising a mad scientist??

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If your lonely in this world, with nobody to hold or love, just remember Siegfried found Roy.

If Vegans are so against killing things, why do they kill vegetables? They should only eat rocks. Then they would be Rockans.

Hump day should not be taken literally.

I loathe the day nose hair becomes sexy.

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My Tween daughter will become TeenagerGirl on Thursday. Happy Birthday Maddy! For those keeping stats that changes the team from: Toddler, TweenGirl, TweenBoy, Teenager; to: Toddler, Tween, TeenagerGirl, TeenagerBoy.

Sigh. They grow up too fast.

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Which is a greater punishment:

To be trapped in a room with no doors and no windows with a mime?

OR

To be trapped in a room with no doors and no windows with a ukulele player?

(TeenageBoy walks into room, looks over my shoulder, even as I am typing this and says:)

“How about trapped in a room with no doors and no windows with a perpetual farter?”

Which once again,  proves the fact when discussing, and discussing only, being trapped in a room with no windows and no doors, that farting is funnier than ukuleles and mimes. Reality is a whole different story!

Things My Teenager Is Saying Pt One

17 Jul

Here are things the oldest boy is saying which is lost on me, but the new slang for his generation. It happens to everyone eventually…the point where your language is not cool anymore

He likes to call the youngest boy, A scrub, or you scrub!

According to the Urban Dictionary this means:

1. A dude who act like a playa or like he sumthin but really got nothin. A broke guy with no job, no car, no girl..etc

A loser with nothing to offer a woman.

( I dont want no nasty scrub )
( Has nothin to offer me )
or
2. A scrub is a now generalized term used as a synonym for a “noob” or “newb,” which is someone who is bad at a video game or activity in general.

The original definition is related to a person who makes a mistake in a video game, which is such a bad mistake that it is clearly wrong, yet they persist in making it. The term derives from Street Fighter II, to describe some players that were so bad that they would mash their hands across the control pad, an act known as “scrubbing,” because it relates to scrubbing a car or other object with a sponge. Thus they were deemed “scrubbers,” or “scrubs” for short. Over time this term expanded throughout the gaming world, and then the real world, and lost its original meaning.

If you’re a scrub, then you owe me a cookie.
And things he likes are called Beast. Dad, that was really beast!
According to the Urban Dictionary this means:
1) anything that is good, or someone that is good, past tense to own someone that is beast

you are such a beasti beasted you

 or
2) A person or thing that looks tough, ripped, cut, or has an intimidating presence.

Adjective Form: Nate is beast.Noun Form: Nate is a huge beast.